Estimated reading time: 9 minutes
Having a good marriage takes a lot of intentionality and effort. However, with these 3 tips for a great marriage, you can elevate your relationship with your spouse to the next level.
It was 7:00 p.m. on a Friday, and after a string of exhausting weeks, Kathryn couldn’t wait for a long-planned and much-needed romantic date with her husband, Josh. The kids were finally at Grandma’s house (hallelujah!), the favorite meal was cooked, the table was set beautifully, and there were candles in the bedroom for later. But as the minutes ticked by . . . no Josh. And no call. Finally, at 7:40, she received a quick text: Boss grabbed me for a last-minute client call. So sorry. By 8:30, Kathryn was trying to hold back the tears. She found herself thinking she just wasn’t a priority for Josh, so she put away the beautifully cooked food—and the candles.
Have you ever been in Kathryn’s place in some way, thinking that your husband just doesn’t care? Or maybe you’re a husband who tackled an all-day honey-do painting project to surprise your wife, only to hear, “Um . . . I thought we were going to do a texture in this room.” Maybe you’ve had the angry feeling: I just can’t do anything right for her.
It is easy to have those thoughts when we are hurt, but it is poisonous to the relationship. Why? Because we’re assuming that our spouse is hurting us on purpose. And we’re almost always wrong. In my research study, I found that nearly all spouses — even in struggling marriages — deeply cared about their mate. But if we want to have a great marriage, we’ll have to force ourselves to believe that truth. We have to believe that our spouse has good intentions toward us, even when we are legitimately hurt.
In Josh and Kathryn’s case, here’s what it looked like in practice. Kathryn later told me that after she had the initial “I’m just not a priority” reaction, she purposefully switched that train of thought. No, she told herself. I know he was looking forward to this date as much as I was. There must be another explanation. And it entirely changed how she approached him.
When Josh finally came home at 9 p.m., he was stressed, anxious, and a bit defensive. Kathryn was honest but calm instead of furious. “I’m really disappointed,” she said. “What happened?”
Surprised at her measured tone of voice, Josh’s defenses dropped. “I’m so, so sorry,” he said. “I heard today that the company is probably being acquired, and our team may be downsized. When Monty asked me to jump on that last-minute call with a big client, I didn’t feel like I could say no.”’
Kathryn disagreed with how Josh handled the situation, wondering why he couldn’t have pulled away for 60 seconds before getting on the call just to let her know. But she saw the heart behind what seemed to be a heartless action: Josh loved his wife and family and didn’t want to risk his ability to provide for them. By assuming the best about Josh’s motives—rather than the worst—Kathryn preserved the happiness in their marriage instead of hurting it.
We can all do the same in our marriages. When we are hurt, as all of us will be at some time, we can remind ourselves that our spouse almost certainly wants our best. Then, we can look for the best explanation rather than the worst. And when we do, we’ll see the signals of love and care that were likely there all along.
I was standing with my family in a packed line for an amusement park ride when the couple in front of me began looking at their watches and arguing. “Oh, great.” The wife’s voice could be clearly heard above the noisy environment. “It’s almost 2 p.m. already. At this rate, we’re going to miss the show with the kids.”
Her husband shook his head. “Well, that sort of thing happens.“
“Well, it wouldn’t have happened at all if you’d gotten the show tickets when we first got to the park. But no, you had to spend all that extra time looking at the map, even though the kids asked you to hurry. If we miss the show, they’re going to be really upset with you.”
Just as I couldn’t help overhearing, I couldn’t help wincing—not just at the woman’s words, but at her piercing and sarcastic tone of voice and the contempt in her marriage. I found myself thinking, Would you ever use that tone of voice with a close friend? If not, then why on earth would you ever speak that way to your husband?
Years later, when I finished a major research study—The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages—to identify what makes the happiest couples so happy, I learned that my initial concern at the amusement park wasn’t just a rhetorical question. It turns out that how we speak to each other day to day is one of the most important factors in marriage.
The problem is that how we speak is also one of those things we simply don’t think about—or feel we shouldn’t have to think about. We figure that after years of marriage, we should be able to drop our guard and not have to watch every word. That’s a great point in many ways, but all too often, we take it too far. Perhaps without realizing it, we take intimacy for license.
So what does that look like? Well, for example, “telling it like it is” is highly valued in our culture today. As is “brutal honesty.” As one man earnestly told me, “In marriage, you have to be able to be brutally honest with each other.”
I hear that sort of thing a lot. But I have never heard those words from the happiest couples. Instead, for them, speaking kindly has become a way of life. As one husband put it, “Yes, you need to be honest. You need to share the real deal. But those times are also when you need to be the most careful. You’ve got to be sure that you’re speaking in a way that doesn’t hurt the feelings of the person you love most.”
The old adage is true: So often, what matters most is not what you say but how you say it. In fact, I’ve discovered that one of the key factors that can change a marriage from tough to terrific is a purposeful effort to speak with kindness in all the day-to-day bustle of marriage.
So whether you are sitting down to discuss a life-changing issue or simply trying to hurry your slow-moving spouse out the door, ask yourself: How can I speak with kindness right now?
As I looked at the sea of raised hands in the massive auditorium, I couldn’t help but chuckle. It was a Sunday morning service, and as part of his sermon series on relationships, the pastor of this large church had asked me to do a pastoral interview on my research findings about happy couples. He had just turned to the women in the congregation and asked whether a particular little action would be meaningful to them. A thousand hands went up, and we could clearly hear the accompanying sounds of shock from a thousand men.
Then it was the men’s turn, and the women were the ones taken aback when they learned what was important to the men—including, in most cases, the ones sitting right next to them.
So what were the little actions that were so important to these men and women but were so hidden to the opposite sex? Understanding the answer could be one of the most important and simplest tips to having a great marriage. It turns out that these actions almost always tell the opposite sex: “I care about you.” And once your spouse truly believes that you care, you’ve created a protective cocoon around your marriage that makes it difficult for other issues to hurt the two of you.
Here are a few of the “little things” that matter in marriage:
Be sure to notice the little day-to-day things your husband does, and say “thank you.” As the results of my survey began rolling in, I was shocked to see that, for a man, hearing “thank you” has the same emotional impact on him as hearing “I love you” does for a woman. Consider saying, “Thank you for changing out those light bulbs, honey,” “Thank you for trimming all the bushes even though it was hot outside,” or “Thank you for taking the kids to the park this morning; you’re such a good dad.”
Sincerely say “thank you” several times a day, and you’ll be shocked at the difference it makes in your marriage. Even better, say some of those praiseworthy things in front of others. “You know what he did this morning? He took the kids to the park and let me sleep in!”
Hold your wife’s hand when you are walking across a parking lot, or put your arm around her when you are sitting together at church. Regardless of what her “love language” might be, those gestures speak because they convey an important message: “You’re mine, and I would choose you all over again.”
Another key action to practice with your wife: Convey that same message of reassurance when the two of you are at odds. Saying, “I’m really angry and I need some space, but I want you to know that we’re OK,” is a priceless reassurance that matters to nearly every woman.
These little actions may seem trivial, so it would be easy to discount them. Don’t. They are powerful. They can actually begin to transform a relationship even if only one person is doing them. Give them a try in your marriage, and you’ll soon find that these actions really weren’t that “little” after all.
These tips for a great marriage can help you and your spouse to grow closer, and to elevate your relationship to one with deep commitment and intimacy. Which one will you work on first?
The post 3 Tips for a Great Marriage appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
Having a good marriage takes a lot of intentionality and effort. However, with these 3 tips for a great marriage, you can elevate your relationship with your spouse to the next level.
3 Tips for a Great Marriage
Tip #1 for a great marriage: Believe the best—even when you’re hurt
It was 7:00 p.m. on a Friday, and after a string of exhausting weeks, Kathryn couldn’t wait for a long-planned and much-needed romantic date with her husband, Josh. The kids were finally at Grandma’s house (hallelujah!), the favorite meal was cooked, the table was set beautifully, and there were candles in the bedroom for later. But as the minutes ticked by . . . no Josh. And no call. Finally, at 7:40, she received a quick text: Boss grabbed me for a last-minute client call. So sorry. By 8:30, Kathryn was trying to hold back the tears. She found herself thinking she just wasn’t a priority for Josh, so she put away the beautifully cooked food—and the candles.
Have you ever been in Kathryn’s place in some way, thinking that your husband just doesn’t care? Or maybe you’re a husband who tackled an all-day honey-do painting project to surprise your wife, only to hear, “Um . . . I thought we were going to do a texture in this room.” Maybe you’ve had the angry feeling: I just can’t do anything right for her.
Poisonous Thoughts
It is easy to have those thoughts when we are hurt, but it is poisonous to the relationship. Why? Because we’re assuming that our spouse is hurting us on purpose. And we’re almost always wrong. In my research study, I found that nearly all spouses — even in struggling marriages — deeply cared about their mate. But if we want to have a great marriage, we’ll have to force ourselves to believe that truth. We have to believe that our spouse has good intentions toward us, even when we are legitimately hurt.
In Josh and Kathryn’s case, here’s what it looked like in practice. Kathryn later told me that after she had the initial “I’m just not a priority” reaction, she purposefully switched that train of thought. No, she told herself. I know he was looking forward to this date as much as I was. There must be another explanation. And it entirely changed how she approached him.
When Josh finally came home at 9 p.m., he was stressed, anxious, and a bit defensive. Kathryn was honest but calm instead of furious. “I’m really disappointed,” she said. “What happened?”
Surprised at her measured tone of voice, Josh’s defenses dropped. “I’m so, so sorry,” he said. “I heard today that the company is probably being acquired, and our team may be downsized. When Monty asked me to jump on that last-minute call with a big client, I didn’t feel like I could say no.”’
Assuming the Best
Kathryn disagreed with how Josh handled the situation, wondering why he couldn’t have pulled away for 60 seconds before getting on the call just to let her know. But she saw the heart behind what seemed to be a heartless action: Josh loved his wife and family and didn’t want to risk his ability to provide for them. By assuming the best about Josh’s motives—rather than the worst—Kathryn preserved the happiness in their marriage instead of hurting it.
We can all do the same in our marriages. When we are hurt, as all of us will be at some time, we can remind ourselves that our spouse almost certainly wants our best. Then, we can look for the best explanation rather than the worst. And when we do, we’ll see the signals of love and care that were likely there all along.
Tip #2 for a great marriage: Speak with kindness—even when you want to tell it like it is
I was standing with my family in a packed line for an amusement park ride when the couple in front of me began looking at their watches and arguing. “Oh, great.” The wife’s voice could be clearly heard above the noisy environment. “It’s almost 2 p.m. already. At this rate, we’re going to miss the show with the kids.”
Her husband shook his head. “Well, that sort of thing happens.“
“Well, it wouldn’t have happened at all if you’d gotten the show tickets when we first got to the park. But no, you had to spend all that extra time looking at the map, even though the kids asked you to hurry. If we miss the show, they’re going to be really upset with you.”
Just as I couldn’t help overhearing, I couldn’t help wincing—not just at the woman’s words, but at her piercing and sarcastic tone of voice and the contempt in her marriage. I found myself thinking, Would you ever use that tone of voice with a close friend? If not, then why on earth would you ever speak that way to your husband?
How we speak to each other is vital
Years later, when I finished a major research study—The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages—to identify what makes the happiest couples so happy, I learned that my initial concern at the amusement park wasn’t just a rhetorical question. It turns out that how we speak to each other day to day is one of the most important factors in marriage.
The problem is that how we speak is also one of those things we simply don’t think about—or feel we shouldn’t have to think about. We figure that after years of marriage, we should be able to drop our guard and not have to watch every word. That’s a great point in many ways, but all too often, we take it too far. Perhaps without realizing it, we take intimacy for license.
So what does that look like? Well, for example, “telling it like it is” is highly valued in our culture today. As is “brutal honesty.” As one man earnestly told me, “In marriage, you have to be able to be brutally honest with each other.”
I hear that sort of thing a lot. But I have never heard those words from the happiest couples. Instead, for them, speaking kindly has become a way of life. As one husband put it, “Yes, you need to be honest. You need to share the real deal. But those times are also when you need to be the most careful. You’ve got to be sure that you’re speaking in a way that doesn’t hurt the feelings of the person you love most.”
It’s not what you say, but how you say it
The old adage is true: So often, what matters most is not what you say but how you say it. In fact, I’ve discovered that one of the key factors that can change a marriage from tough to terrific is a purposeful effort to speak with kindness in all the day-to-day bustle of marriage.
So whether you are sitting down to discuss a life-changing issue or simply trying to hurry your slow-moving spouse out the door, ask yourself: How can I speak with kindness right now?
Tip #3 for a great marriage: Do the little things that matter to your spouse
As I looked at the sea of raised hands in the massive auditorium, I couldn’t help but chuckle. It was a Sunday morning service, and as part of his sermon series on relationships, the pastor of this large church had asked me to do a pastoral interview on my research findings about happy couples. He had just turned to the women in the congregation and asked whether a particular little action would be meaningful to them. A thousand hands went up, and we could clearly hear the accompanying sounds of shock from a thousand men.
Then it was the men’s turn, and the women were the ones taken aback when they learned what was important to the men—including, in most cases, the ones sitting right next to them.
So what were the little actions that were so important to these men and women but were so hidden to the opposite sex? Understanding the answer could be one of the most important and simplest tips to having a great marriage. It turns out that these actions almost always tell the opposite sex: “I care about you.” And once your spouse truly believes that you care, you’ve created a protective cocoon around your marriage that makes it difficult for other issues to hurt the two of you.
Here are a few of the “little things” that matter in marriage:
Ladies:
Be sure to notice the little day-to-day things your husband does, and say “thank you.” As the results of my survey began rolling in, I was shocked to see that, for a man, hearing “thank you” has the same emotional impact on him as hearing “I love you” does for a woman. Consider saying, “Thank you for changing out those light bulbs, honey,” “Thank you for trimming all the bushes even though it was hot outside,” or “Thank you for taking the kids to the park this morning; you’re such a good dad.”
Sincerely say “thank you” several times a day, and you’ll be shocked at the difference it makes in your marriage. Even better, say some of those praiseworthy things in front of others. “You know what he did this morning? He took the kids to the park and let me sleep in!”
Gentlemen:
Hold your wife’s hand when you are walking across a parking lot, or put your arm around her when you are sitting together at church. Regardless of what her “love language” might be, those gestures speak because they convey an important message: “You’re mine, and I would choose you all over again.”
Another key action to practice with your wife: Convey that same message of reassurance when the two of you are at odds. Saying, “I’m really angry and I need some space, but I want you to know that we’re OK,” is a priceless reassurance that matters to nearly every woman.
These little actions may seem trivial, so it would be easy to discount them. Don’t. They are powerful. They can actually begin to transform a relationship even if only one person is doing them. Give them a try in your marriage, and you’ll soon find that these actions really weren’t that “little” after all.
These tips for a great marriage can help you and your spouse to grow closer, and to elevate your relationship to one with deep commitment and intimacy. Which one will you work on first?
The post 3 Tips for a Great Marriage appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...