Advice Needed - Nothing Urgent

[witchy_womyn]

Hey everyone. I know I'm not a Christian, but I still have something I need advice on. Perhaps from a more secular approach? I have been with my boyfriend for quite some time now and we both love one another very much. We live together, we share in the household chores, we share the bills, etc. We both know that we never want children (we do have a kitty cat though : ) but the problem is this - someday down the road I would like for us to get married but he is vehemently opposed to marriage. Little background about my boyfriend:

His parents met when they were very young (pre-teens) and dated all throughout junior and senior high school. His mother was granted a full scholarship to college but declined so that she get marry his father right after she graduated. When they first got married, his father developed a severe drinking problem and became verbally and physically abusive. Once my boyfriend was born, the drinking stopped, but the domestic violence continued. He saw his father beat his mother relentlessly and verbally assault her. The father was also very abusive to my boyfriend and his younger brother. This is the only example of a marriage my boyfriend has ever truly been exposed to. He admits that he has such an aversion to marriage because of this.

I could live the rest of my life simply cohabitating with my boyfriend, but deep down inside I really would love to be his wife and he my husband. I know it's nothing personal against me, as he's already pledged to spend his life with me, but I can't help but feel a little twinge of hurt that he may never want me to be his wife, from a legal standpoint. I don't know how I can show him that marriage doesn't have to be anything like what his parents had. I just don't know what to do. :-? :

 

[Featherbop]

Just don't get married. If things go wrong, you have no attachments to deal with. It sounds like there could be problems develop easily anyway.

 

[witchy_womyn]

Yeah, it makes sense not to get married when what we have already is nothing short of a marriage. The good thing is, he's almost 30 and never displayed any abusive behavior. So at least his father didn't pass that charateristic down to him. His brother is the one who abuses women. He doesn't even have custody rights to his son because he beat his ex-wife so badly.

My boyfriend's father passed away two years ago so now it's just my boyfriend, his mother, and younger brother. I'd say my boyfriend is more like his mother. Kind of quiet and reserved.

 

[Featherbop]

Well, sounds like you have it figured out then.

 

[Quath]

I can relate. I didn't like marriage. I had a few girlfriends that seemed to want to get married just to have the status and not so much for the committment. I saw some advantages to marriage such as laws and tax breaks. But I also didn't like the idea that people were trying to coerce me into marriage with laws and such.

So I didn't get married until this year (I'm 33). One of the main reasons (beside better insurance for my girlfriend and better income taxes) was that she never pressured beyond telling me that she would like to get married. When I no longer felt the pressure, I felt better about getting married.

Today marriage doesn't mean more than "lets stay together for a really long time." Divorce is easy and common. So the strongest committment is just having someone tell you that they want to be with you for as long as they can imagine.

Hope it turns out the way you want.

Quath

 

[WiLdAtHeArT]

So what, then, is the reason you want to get married to your boyfriend? In your mind, does 'marriage' mean a greater commitment? Are you perhaps scared that he will leave if you are not married? Is it for financial reasons?

My brother, the atheist, lives with his girlfriend, too - and seems to have no interest in getting married to her. I don't know if its for religious reasons or what, but it makes me sad for him. I would think that finances would be a thorny issue ALL THE TIME - in that kind of situation. Money is one of the leading causes of divorce anyway, and I imagine its even more of an issue with co-habitating couples. The other major issues are in-laws, disciplining the kids, and sex.

It has always seemed to me that what co-habitating couples are silently saying to each other is this: "I love you, but not enough to really make a serious commitment to you. I'd like to have an out just in case I fall out of love with you." Maybe that is an over-generalization, but oh well.

I always recommend a book about marriage that I think is the best book ever written on the subject. It is by a Christian author, but since you used to be a Christian before converting to Wicca, I imagine you can take what you want out of it and skip over the parts that you disagree with. It's called The Mystery of Marriage, by Mike Mason. It is so deep and philosophical - REALLY makes you think about the reality of marriage. One of his points is that if people really knew what was marriage is all about, there would be fewer divorces - but also probably fewer marriages to begin with.

Marriage has become such a watered-down thing in our society. Few people take it seriously, like Quath and Featherbop have stated - because they see the disheartening trends of divorce and abuse and conclude that marriage is meaningless. I can see how anyone can come up with that conclusion when looking at the state of marriage - especially in the church, where divorce is even more common than outside the church.

I had the amazing blessing to be able to marry one of my best friends. I had known her for 10 years before we were married. We never really dated. We decided not to even kiss until our wedding night because we had been in relationships before where the physical aspect of the relationship dominated - leaving the emotional, spiritual, and relational aspects wanting. We knew we would have our entire lives to experience the physical part and that, of all the parts of a relationship, that is the easiest to be compatible in. (Something like: If you only have sex with one person, you don't know if anything is better and you don't want to know ) Anyway, I know my situation is rare in today's world, and isn't exactly relatable to most people, but I believe that marriage is a serious, sacred institution that deserves more respect and honor than almost anything else in our lives.

 

[LeNinjaChic]

WW...

Are you just wanting the ceremony itself? Would you be satisfied with an outdoor ceremony (for example) where you affirm your love and committment to each other, without doing all the legal stuff?

Or do you want the legality of it too?

Do you think he'd be willing to compromise in that way?


However, I do feel I need to point out that as couples, we (IMO) accept one another for who we are. Period. End of story. You knew going in that he didn't want marriage. If you start pushing for that now, the message he is getting is, "You are good, but not quite good enough." Know what I mean?

I feel for ya.....hope you can come to a resolution.

Hugs,

LC

 

[Ana'riel]

Well, I was gonna ask if maybe you guys could have a wedding without the legalness, but someone already did.

It's also possible that after awhile he won't be so opposed because he'll realize that your relationship is better than what his parents have. being married doesn't change how you act toward each other unless yuou make it happen ya know?

I noticed you didn't mention whether you guys have a house....when it comes to stuff like that it's easier to get stuff like that when you're married. Me and my husband got married and went looking for apartments, and found out then. If ya'll don't have a house, when you start looking for one maybe you could casually bring that up?