Fifth-grade science taught me that appearances can be deceiving. I learned that when looking at an iceberg, we only see the small portion that sticks out of the water. The largest part of an iceberg—typically 80-90%—remains unseen, hidden below the water’s surface. Financial conflict, especially about budgeting, is like the tip of an iceberg.
Many couples cite money problems as the reason for marital strife when the true source of their conflict is a larger issue lurking below the surface. In my years of working with couples in crisis, I’ve found that financial issues are usually surface problems driven by deeper issues.
It’s easy to mistake finances for the real issue if you argue about finances and budgets on a regular basis. However, the fact that the same financial arguments happen over and over without being resolved indicates that the real problem is something deeper. That “something deeper” is what we call a core issue. If core issues are not dealt with, surface issues—like finances — will keep popping up. It’s kind of like trying to keep a balloon below the surface in a pool of water. You keep pushing it down, but it keeps right on coming up.
If you’ve tried to resolve arguments related to finances, but they keep popping up, it may be time for you to look below the surface. Here are a few questions to ask:
If you fail to communicate your thoughts, desires, preferences, and so on, your spouse is left to guess what they are. Guessing often leads to misunderstanding, which can lead to hurt feelings and even resentment. If the only time you try to communicate about finances is when you’re already upset or angry, your emotions will get in the way, and the conversation will most likely lead to harsh exchanges of words and end up going nowhere.
It’s important to talk about sensitive issues in a way that is comfortable for both of you. Try writing down your concerns or desires versus trying to explain them when you’re feeling emotional. Be clear about what you need from the other person regarding spending, budgeting, help with balancing the checkbook, and how to get out of financial holes. Don’t begin your conversations in a negative tone, and expect something positive to come out of it.
Sometimes, it’s easier to argue about money than to admit when we have hurt feelings. If your spouse has hurt you and you’re still harboring that hurt—or maybe even resentment—you’re going to see everything through that filter of hurt. When your spouse tries to discuss financial issues, you’ll be more likely to overreact. Instead of letting hurt and resentment hinder your relationship, gather the courage to deal with the hurt. Bring it out in the open in a healthy way. Do it before tackling financial issues. That way, you’ll be able to discuss your financial issues without the extra burden of emotional baggage.
Are you afraid to talk about money for fear that your spouse will discover you made an unwise decision, spent money you shouldn’t have, didn’t pay the bill when you were supposed to, or have kept other financial secrets? Dishonesty always reaps a negative outcome. If you make a significant financial decision without talking to your spouse, your actions will almost never be well received. If you’ve been hiding something you did or did not do, the real issue is not about finances. It’s about being honest. Dishonesty destroys trust. When trust is destroyed, your spouse will not trust you to make future decisions, which can leave you open to feelings of resentment, and the cycle repeats itself. Trust has to be rebuilt in marriage before sensitive and important issues like finances can be addressed properly.
By communicating in a clear and loving manner, getting rid of emotional baggage and embracing honesty, you and your spouse can lay a smooth foundation on which to build your financial future.
The number one reason for couples to develop a spending plan — a budget — is to reduce conflict in their marriage.
“What’s that?” you say. “Budgeting can reduce marital conflict?” I can just see all you “My-spouse-and-I-can-talk-about-anything-but-money” people scratching your heads—but hear me out. Budgeting reduces conflict for the simple reason that it provides built-in accountability and an objective standard for all of your spending decisions.
The number of financial transactions you make might surprise you. If you add up all the checks you write, all the credit card purchases you make, and everything you pay cash for, you could easily make 1,500 or 2,000 transactions a year. With or without a budget, you are going to spend money, whether it’s to buy groceries, pay the rent, or take a family vacation. If you don’t have a budget—a spending plan that allocates your income to reflect your priorities—any of these expenditures could touch off an argument. In fact, if you disagree on only about one out of every 100 purchases, you will wind up at odds with your spouse at least once a month. Statistically speaking, money fights or frustrations are a virtual certainty!
Judy and I use a computer software program to track our purchases. According to the computer, we make anywhere from 2,000 to 3,000 transactions each year. But since most of our spending decisions are made ahead of time in our family budget, there is very little disagreement about where our money should go. As a result, we have the freedom and flexibility to enjoy our purchases without fear, guilt, or conflict. Our budget works to eliminate potential problems before they arise.
Here are a few reasons why it’s important for you to get on the same financial page as your spouse.
The second reason why a spending plan makes sense is that it allows you to create and maintain a vision for the future. A budget gives you the guidelines you need to successfully spend less than you earn — which, as any financial analyst can tell you, is the key to long-term financial security. Whether you want to buy a home, start your own business, fund your children’s college education, or set yourself up for a comfortable retirement, a spending plan can keep you focused on your goals.
Third, a spending plan means that nobody has to be the bad guy. Most marriages have a spending spouse and a saving spouse. Any time the spender buys something, he or she becomes a potential target: Why did you buy that? It costs too much! And we don’t really need it. Couldn’t you have found something less expensive? Likewise, when the saver refuses to spend money, he or she may invite criticism: Why can’t we buy that? It’s not that expensive — and besides, it’s on sale. You worry about money too much. Don’t be such a killjoy.
A budget can help eliminate such tension. Objective and impartial, the spending plan draws a line between the affordable and the out-of-reach, the wise purchase and the foolish. Because a budget is drafted with input from both spouses, the spending/saving decisions are not “mine” or “yours,” but “ours.” You’re on the same side of the fence.
A fourth reason for a spending plan is that it forces couples to communicate. You can’t establish budget categories and allocate income without talking about priorities, needs, dreams, and goals. Fears and insecurities can also be part of the process. By providing a forum for discussion, the budgeting process enables you to define and address philosophical differences — everything from how much to spend on food and clothing to how, where, or when you want to give money to your children, your church, or your charity.
Finally, by establishing and using a budget, you set a great example for your kids. As Judy and I often remind ourselves, “More is caught than taught.” When your children see you exercising financial discipline and making progress toward your goals, they will learn a valuable lesson about how to handle their own money.
Reducing conflict, creating vision, eliminating the bad guy, fostering communication, and demonstrating wise money management are all good reasons to develop a spending plan. But I’m not pretending that the process will be easy. At times it might even be a struggle. It’s like going for a swim in the ocean: You have to get through a few rough spots before you get past the breakers. But I can promise you that once you get beyond the turbulence and out to where the water is gentle and clear, you will never want to go back.
The post Cash Clash: How To Talk About Budgeting appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
Many couples cite money problems as the reason for marital strife when the true source of their conflict is a larger issue lurking below the surface. In my years of working with couples in crisis, I’ve found that financial issues are usually surface problems driven by deeper issues.
It’s easy to mistake finances for the real issue if you argue about finances and budgets on a regular basis. However, the fact that the same financial arguments happen over and over without being resolved indicates that the real problem is something deeper. That “something deeper” is what we call a core issue. If core issues are not dealt with, surface issues—like finances — will keep popping up. It’s kind of like trying to keep a balloon below the surface in a pool of water. You keep pushing it down, but it keeps right on coming up.
Questions to Ask About Your Finances and Budgeting
If you’ve tried to resolve arguments related to finances, but they keep popping up, it may be time for you to look below the surface. Here are a few questions to ask:
1. Do We Have a Breakdown in Communication?
If you fail to communicate your thoughts, desires, preferences, and so on, your spouse is left to guess what they are. Guessing often leads to misunderstanding, which can lead to hurt feelings and even resentment. If the only time you try to communicate about finances is when you’re already upset or angry, your emotions will get in the way, and the conversation will most likely lead to harsh exchanges of words and end up going nowhere.
It’s important to talk about sensitive issues in a way that is comfortable for both of you. Try writing down your concerns or desires versus trying to explain them when you’re feeling emotional. Be clear about what you need from the other person regarding spending, budgeting, help with balancing the checkbook, and how to get out of financial holes. Don’t begin your conversations in a negative tone, and expect something positive to come out of it.
2. Am I Harboring Unresolved Hurt or Resentment?
Sometimes, it’s easier to argue about money than to admit when we have hurt feelings. If your spouse has hurt you and you’re still harboring that hurt—or maybe even resentment—you’re going to see everything through that filter of hurt. When your spouse tries to discuss financial issues, you’ll be more likely to overreact. Instead of letting hurt and resentment hinder your relationship, gather the courage to deal with the hurt. Bring it out in the open in a healthy way. Do it before tackling financial issues. That way, you’ll be able to discuss your financial issues without the extra burden of emotional baggage.
3. Am I Afraid To Face the Truth?
Are you afraid to talk about money for fear that your spouse will discover you made an unwise decision, spent money you shouldn’t have, didn’t pay the bill when you were supposed to, or have kept other financial secrets? Dishonesty always reaps a negative outcome. If you make a significant financial decision without talking to your spouse, your actions will almost never be well received. If you’ve been hiding something you did or did not do, the real issue is not about finances. It’s about being honest. Dishonesty destroys trust. When trust is destroyed, your spouse will not trust you to make future decisions, which can leave you open to feelings of resentment, and the cycle repeats itself. Trust has to be rebuilt in marriage before sensitive and important issues like finances can be addressed properly.
Budgeting Can Reduce Conflict in Marriage
By communicating in a clear and loving manner, getting rid of emotional baggage and embracing honesty, you and your spouse can lay a smooth foundation on which to build your financial future.
The number one reason for couples to develop a spending plan — a budget — is to reduce conflict in their marriage.
“What’s that?” you say. “Budgeting can reduce marital conflict?” I can just see all you “My-spouse-and-I-can-talk-about-anything-but-money” people scratching your heads—but hear me out. Budgeting reduces conflict for the simple reason that it provides built-in accountability and an objective standard for all of your spending decisions.
Keep Financial Transactions on Track With a Budget
The number of financial transactions you make might surprise you. If you add up all the checks you write, all the credit card purchases you make, and everything you pay cash for, you could easily make 1,500 or 2,000 transactions a year. With or without a budget, you are going to spend money, whether it’s to buy groceries, pay the rent, or take a family vacation. If you don’t have a budget—a spending plan that allocates your income to reflect your priorities—any of these expenditures could touch off an argument. In fact, if you disagree on only about one out of every 100 purchases, you will wind up at odds with your spouse at least once a month. Statistically speaking, money fights or frustrations are a virtual certainty!
Judy and I use a computer software program to track our purchases. According to the computer, we make anywhere from 2,000 to 3,000 transactions each year. But since most of our spending decisions are made ahead of time in our family budget, there is very little disagreement about where our money should go. As a result, we have the freedom and flexibility to enjoy our purchases without fear, guilt, or conflict. Our budget works to eliminate potential problems before they arise.
Why Should We Create a Budget?
Here are a few reasons why it’s important for you to get on the same financial page as your spouse.
1. Create Focus
The second reason why a spending plan makes sense is that it allows you to create and maintain a vision for the future. A budget gives you the guidelines you need to successfully spend less than you earn — which, as any financial analyst can tell you, is the key to long-term financial security. Whether you want to buy a home, start your own business, fund your children’s college education, or set yourself up for a comfortable retirement, a spending plan can keep you focused on your goals.
2. Balance Spouses’ Input on Spending
Third, a spending plan means that nobody has to be the bad guy. Most marriages have a spending spouse and a saving spouse. Any time the spender buys something, he or she becomes a potential target: Why did you buy that? It costs too much! And we don’t really need it. Couldn’t you have found something less expensive? Likewise, when the saver refuses to spend money, he or she may invite criticism: Why can’t we buy that? It’s not that expensive — and besides, it’s on sale. You worry about money too much. Don’t be such a killjoy.
A budget can help eliminate such tension. Objective and impartial, the spending plan draws a line between the affordable and the out-of-reach, the wise purchase and the foolish. Because a budget is drafted with input from both spouses, the spending/saving decisions are not “mine” or “yours,” but “ours.” You’re on the same side of the fence.
3. Aid Communication
A fourth reason for a spending plan is that it forces couples to communicate. You can’t establish budget categories and allocate income without talking about priorities, needs, dreams, and goals. Fears and insecurities can also be part of the process. By providing a forum for discussion, the budgeting process enables you to define and address philosophical differences — everything from how much to spend on food and clothing to how, where, or when you want to give money to your children, your church, or your charity.
4. Set an Example
Finally, by establishing and using a budget, you set a great example for your kids. As Judy and I often remind ourselves, “More is caught than taught.” When your children see you exercising financial discipline and making progress toward your goals, they will learn a valuable lesson about how to handle their own money.
Reducing conflict, creating vision, eliminating the bad guy, fostering communication, and demonstrating wise money management are all good reasons to develop a spending plan. But I’m not pretending that the process will be easy. At times it might even be a struggle. It’s like going for a swim in the ocean: You have to get through a few rough spots before you get past the breakers. But I can promise you that once you get beyond the turbulence and out to where the water is gentle and clear, you will never want to go back.
The post Cash Clash: How To Talk About Budgeting appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...