Preface to the First Edition
For years I taught a self-help course called Addiction to Love. At the end of the class I always passed out a list of self-help books. Inevitably, at least one student would raise her hand and say, “I have read most of these books and they don’t help. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”
Speaking to these students after class, I often discovered that they were stuck because they didn’t understand one fundamental truth—our lives don’t get better when we read a book or go to a class; our lives get better when we put forth the effort to change.
Is change important? Yes! It is a natural process from which we get a feeling of self-worth and well-being. Unfortunately, sometimes the natural process of changing gets interrupted usually because we are flung into survival mode by difficult circumstances.
This was certainly true for me. By the time I was thirty-two years old, I had not grown emotionally or socially since my adolescence. My maturation had become fixated. I was a creature of habit, not a human being. I was lonely and out of control. I hurt others and I hurt myself. Yet, despite all the pain I was in, I was afraid to change. I was terrified of the unknown.
When my therapist asked what was holding me back from getting better, I said, “I’m afraid to get well. Mental health is unfamiliar. It’s a mystery that lies beyond a closed door and I have no peephole. That mystery feels like a beast ready to devour me if I open the door. What if getting better is worse than being sick? It can happen. Besides, I think I’ve bonded to my vision of myself as a victim. I prefer self-pity to self-esteem.”
This honest appraisal was the beginning of my own personal transformation, which has culminated in this book. While it is meant to be a self-help book, it is also, in many respects, the story of my life.
Why have I written this book? I have written it because I love to teach. I only wish the woman I am today could reach back in time and teach the young woman I was. I would try to help her see what is so clear to me now. That change is important. That there is nothing to be afraid of. That dreams come true if we change: That it is never too late to change, and the sooner we get started, the easier it is to adjust to the changes we make.
Most of all, that we are not alone as we make these changes here are what Joseph Campbell calls “invisible hands,” which come to our aid when we are ready to change.
Addendum 2020
To my Christian Friends: I wrote this before I found Christ. I believe now that God wants us to reach our full potential so we can serve him better and share the gifts he gave us. By design, this will also make you feel good. Sometimes this means we have to change. Remember that the Holy Spirit will be on this journey with you.