- Dec 20, 2019
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Estimated reading time: 11 minutes
As an engaged couple, I’m sure you’re thinking a lot about sex and what your wedding night will be like. Maybe you’re ecstatic to finally be intimate with the one you love. Maybe you worry about what your partner will think of you. Or maybe you’re nervous because of some previous trauma. Whatever the case, you and your new spouse are sure to see sex a little differently, and that’s totally OK. When you run into sexual issues and conflicts as a newlywed Christian couple—because you will run into them—keep this sex advice in mind.
You must determine now what kind of lover you will be. Ask these questions to assess yourself:
The conflicts and disappointments you’ll encounter in marriage will have little to do with whether you married the wrong person. More likely, they’ll reveal whether you’re willing for God to make you a great lover.
The best Christian sex advice I can give you is to be determined to be a team in sexual intimacy, no matter what. This also applies to Christian marriage as a whole, too, not just newlywed sex.
God has given you sex not just for pleasure and procreation but also to glue you together in profound ways. Sexual oneness is more than naked bodies touching. It eventually demands that your love is tested and shared with vulnerability and ultimate intimacy.
Here are some practical suggestions for nurturing sexual intimacy in your marriage:
Talking about sexual intimacy can be a challenge. To start with, what words do you use to describe sexual acts, desires, and the sexual parts of the body? The words you like might be offensive to your future husband or wife. Or maybe you feel awkward talking about the whole topic.
Sexual conversations can quickly escalate into raw conflict. Why?
Because sexuality is core to who you are as a person. It’s humiliating to admit to a porn struggle. It’s embarrassing to ask your spouse for more sex and devastating to hear that you aren’t meeting his or her sexual needs.
Sexual conflict usually taps into issues of shame, control, body image, trust, masculinity, and femininity. A lot of couples choose not to venture into this emotional landmine, so they avoid the topic.
It doesn’t take a psychologist to figure out that you can’t solve problems together if you don’t communicate. You can’t learn to sexually please each other if the very topic of sex is off-limits.
So, how do you learn to talk about sex together as Christians, especially if you’re a newlywed couple? I have a couple of tried-and-true tips for you:
If talking about sex with your future spouse is difficult, admitting a sexually related problem to a doctor, therapist, or pastor may feel even harder. Yet that’s exactly what might be required to get through challenges like sexual addiction, physical problems, infertility, or healing from sexual abuse.
A great sexual relationship will require you to fight through barriers. At times, this will mean admitting that you need help. I’ve heard of couples who stopped having sex altogether not long after the wedding night because the husband or wife was too embarrassed to get help.
Getting married, establishing a sexual relationship with your spouse, and even having children can trigger wounds and memories of sexual trauma for both men and women. It will be very difficult to move forward in intimacy in marriage without addressing past trauma.
As a psychologist, I’ve had the privilege of working with many marriages through difficulties related to intimacy. I have the greatest respect for a young man or woman who is willing to ask for help and engage in the healing process.
If you have experienced sexual trauma in your past or think you have a sexual addiction, please don’t try to convince yourself that your wounds will go away. The great news is that God is the Healer, even of sexual pain. Consider:
It might sound cliché, but the best place to start in regards to sexual restoration is to ask the Lord for wisdom and healing. Very few Christian couples ever pray together about their sexual relationship. But God is in the business of restoration, so reach out to Him without fear.
Does God care about your sexual intimacy?
He does. God created sex and He blesses it within marriage. He is also able to provide the wisdom and direction you need through His Word, His Spirit, and the advice of wise counselors and experts.
If you want solid, Christian sex advice as a newlywed couple, make sure to go see a Christian sex therapist counselor before the wedding night. Be aware that some “sex experts” offer immoral and destructive advice that is contrary to the Bible.
When I was in my doctoral program, I took classes on human sexuality that encouraged married couples to do everything from visiting strip clubs together to divorcing if they were “sexually incompatible.” Be sure that any books you read — even Christian books — or advice you take comes from someone who recognizes God as the creator of sex and the ultimate source for how it should work.
Sexual temptation is nothing new. Just read Proverbs, which was written thousands of years ago, and you’ll see that even then, young men were strongly warned to avoid the deception of an alluring harlot.
Then and now, there have always been avenues to seek out illicit sex. Today, it is actively pursuing us—whether we’re male or female, married or single.
Almost every young man and many young women will enter marriage with some history of exposure to pornography or erotica (often the female version of porn).
Because of its widespread use, visual and written porn are often accepted as facts of modern-day life. But just because something is widespread doesn’t mean it isn’t also dangerous.
One of Satan’s most successful strategies is to turn husbands and wives against each other.
He constantly attempts to destroy, demolish, and distort married sex. Not only will he use sexual temptation to water down your sexual intimacy, but he will also try to use the battle to divide you.
Battling sexual temptation is difficult enough, but it becomes impossible when you are fighting each other instead of clearly identifying the true enemy.
If either of you struggles with sexual temptation, you must begin to identify your problem as a couple.
I don’t mean that you should take responsibility for your fiancé(e)’s purity. However, when sexual sin and temptation hits one of you, it impacts both of you. Satan will use pornography, inappropriate emotional attachments, and other forms of temptation to further divide you if he can define your spouse-to-be as “the problem” or “the enemy.”
As a newlywed Christian couple, you’ll find that sex is about standing together, united as one from your wedding night onward. As long as you are fighting each other, you cannot stand together. Standing together starts with humility and empathy.
As Jesus taught, we cannot lovingly confront another person’s sin until we’ve brought our own failings before God and sought His grace.
You might not know what it’s like to struggle with sexual temptation, but you do know what it’s like to have a “besetting sin.” Maybe yours is gossip, dishonesty, bitterness, pride, or coveting.
Once you’re married, if you encounter sexual sin in your marriage, confront your spouse with humility and awareness of your own weaknesses rather than feeding shame with a self-righteous spirit of judgment.
Empathy doesn’t mean that you ignore the problem but that you strive together in God’s strength to honor Him.
The thing I love about this is it turns Satan’s strategies against him.
Instead of letting Satan divide you, you and your future spouse will become more united than ever as you fight together for your marriage. Indeed, God can “[work all things] together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).
If you’re a sports fan, you know the importance of a great offense and defense. No team can win the Super Bowl, the World Series, an NBA championship, or the World Cup without both. The same will be true in your marriage.
For your love life to flourish and go the distance, you’ll have to work together to build offensive and defensive strategies.
A lot of the information you get from Christian sources emphasizes defense.
Many sermons and books teach about the importance of purity in marriage, setting up hedges against affairs, and battling temptation.
Building boundaries and safeguards to keep your marriage bed pure is extremely important. You’ll need to talk about things like whether to keep old flames as Facebook friends and what boundaries to have with opposite-sex co-workers.
What is currently an innocent connection may become a source of temptation when things in your marriage get difficult. As hard as it may be to imagine today, you will face sexual temptation at some point in your marriage.
Start preparing for it now.
Just as important as playing defense in your marriage, you’ll need to work together to learn how to “score” (yes, the pun is intended)! As they say in sports, “The best defense is a great offense.”
This definitely applies to marital sexuality. A couple who has a mutually satisfying, exciting sex life is far less open to temptation than a couple who doesn’t.
How do you plan for an exciting sex life in marriage?
First, realize that you have permission to do so. A lot of Christians have a hard time erasing all of the “thou shalt not” messages. Even though you might intellectually know it’s OK to have sex once you’re married, you may still feel restrained or guilty for being too sexual.
Are Christians really supposed to get carried away with sexual pleasure in the marriage bed?
The answer is yes! If you don’t believe me, take a look at the Song of Solomon. Both Solomon and his bride were very free with their bodies and their words and were absolutely taken with sexual pleasure. And God said this was good!
John Piper encourages married couples to offensively battle Satan by pleasing each other in bed:
There is nothing spiritual about settling for a mediocre sex life.
Yes, there will be seasons of marriage in which sex might be difficult or may not be a high priority. But God’s desire for you is that you work toward experiencing the greatest sexual delight in one another.
My advice to Christian newlywed couples is to treat sex as one of the foundational pieces of your marriage. As you look forward to the wedding night and your marriage, take some time to talk together about what steps you think God would have you take to lay the foundation for intimacy that will last a lifetime.
Building a great sex life over the years will take intentionality, time, and effort. But trust me, it’s well worth the effort, and it’s a whole lot more fun than just playing defense!
I’m so glad that the greatest sex isn’t on your honeymoon (or before you’re married), as some might have led you to believe. If you stay committed to “making love” after the honeymoon, your sexual journey will get sweeter and sweeter with time.
Once you’re married, don’t neglect this important part of your marriage. With a little effort and patience, the depth of intimacy you can achieve will be indescribable.
The post Christian Sex Advice for the Wedding Night and Beyond appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
As an engaged couple, I’m sure you’re thinking a lot about sex and what your wedding night will be like. Maybe you’re ecstatic to finally be intimate with the one you love. Maybe you worry about what your partner will think of you. Or maybe you’re nervous because of some previous trauma. Whatever the case, you and your new spouse are sure to see sex a little differently, and that’s totally OK. When you run into sexual issues and conflicts as a newlywed Christian couple—because you will run into them—keep this sex advice in mind.
The level of intimacy required for loving sex
You must determine now what kind of lover you will be. Ask these questions to assess yourself:
- How will you respond to the inevitable disappointments and discouragements of sexual love?
- Will the challenges prove that you are quick to hold a grudge or eager to forgive?
- Defensive or humble?
- Selfish or sacrificial?
- Demanding or sensitive?
The conflicts and disappointments you’ll encounter in marriage will have little to do with whether you married the wrong person. More likely, they’ll reveal whether you’re willing for God to make you a great lover.
The best Christian sex advice I can give you is to be determined to be a team in sexual intimacy, no matter what. This also applies to Christian marriage as a whole, too, not just newlywed sex.
God has given you sex not just for pleasure and procreation but also to glue you together in profound ways. Sexual oneness is more than naked bodies touching. It eventually demands that your love is tested and shared with vulnerability and ultimate intimacy.
Here are some practical suggestions for nurturing sexual intimacy in your marriage:
Communicate with each other
Talking about sexual intimacy can be a challenge. To start with, what words do you use to describe sexual acts, desires, and the sexual parts of the body? The words you like might be offensive to your future husband or wife. Or maybe you feel awkward talking about the whole topic.
Sexual conversations can quickly escalate into raw conflict. Why?
Because sexuality is core to who you are as a person. It’s humiliating to admit to a porn struggle. It’s embarrassing to ask your spouse for more sex and devastating to hear that you aren’t meeting his or her sexual needs.
Sexual conflict usually taps into issues of shame, control, body image, trust, masculinity, and femininity. A lot of couples choose not to venture into this emotional landmine, so they avoid the topic.
It doesn’t take a psychologist to figure out that you can’t solve problems together if you don’t communicate. You can’t learn to sexually please each other if the very topic of sex is off-limits.
Talk about sex together!
So, how do you learn to talk about sex together as Christians, especially if you’re a newlywed couple? I have a couple of tried-and-true tips for you:
- Let someone else start the conversation. When my husband, Mike, and I encountered this roadblock, we used resources like books, marriage seminars, and radio broadcasts to bring up the topics that we didn’t know how to address. When authors such as Cliff and Joyce Penner explained a common problem, I could just say, “I feel like they just described me.” These outside resources gave us the permission and the words to start the conversation.
- Make sexual conversations safe. I can think of at least a handful of times when I hurt Mike with insensitive words on this topic. Sometimes it was a flippant remark. Other times, my cutting words came out of my own hurt. Be aware that your future spouse is probably very sensitive about sexual issues, just like you are. Ask questions and listen. His or her perspective will be very different from yours, so don’t assume anything. If you have a “complaint” about your sexual relationship after you marry, share it with grace, remembering that you are both learning how to love each other.
Get Christian sex advice and coaching as newlyweds
If talking about sex with your future spouse is difficult, admitting a sexually related problem to a doctor, therapist, or pastor may feel even harder. Yet that’s exactly what might be required to get through challenges like sexual addiction, physical problems, infertility, or healing from sexual abuse.
A great sexual relationship will require you to fight through barriers. At times, this will mean admitting that you need help. I’ve heard of couples who stopped having sex altogether not long after the wedding night because the husband or wife was too embarrassed to get help.
Getting married, establishing a sexual relationship with your spouse, and even having children can trigger wounds and memories of sexual trauma for both men and women. It will be very difficult to move forward in intimacy in marriage without addressing past trauma.
As a psychologist, I’ve had the privilege of working with many marriages through difficulties related to intimacy. I have the greatest respect for a young man or woman who is willing to ask for help and engage in the healing process.
Can I Heal from Sexual Trauma?
If you have experienced sexual trauma in your past or think you have a sexual addiction, please don’t try to convince yourself that your wounds will go away. The great news is that God is the Healer, even of sexual pain. Consider:
- His truth can set you free from lies.
- His peace can calm your anxiety.
- His forgiveness can cleanse the darkest sin.
- His love can be a healing balm over violation and betrayal.
It might sound cliché, but the best place to start in regards to sexual restoration is to ask the Lord for wisdom and healing. Very few Christian couples ever pray together about their sexual relationship. But God is in the business of restoration, so reach out to Him without fear.
Does God care about your sexual intimacy?
He does. God created sex and He blesses it within marriage. He is also able to provide the wisdom and direction you need through His Word, His Spirit, and the advice of wise counselors and experts.
If you want solid, Christian sex advice as a newlywed couple, make sure to go see a Christian sex therapist counselor before the wedding night. Be aware that some “sex experts” offer immoral and destructive advice that is contrary to the Bible.
When I was in my doctoral program, I took classes on human sexuality that encouraged married couples to do everything from visiting strip clubs together to divorcing if they were “sexually incompatible.” Be sure that any books you read — even Christian books — or advice you take comes from someone who recognizes God as the creator of sex and the ultimate source for how it should work.
The enemy plots to divide you and your spouse, starting on your wedding night
Sexual temptation is nothing new. Just read Proverbs, which was written thousands of years ago, and you’ll see that even then, young men were strongly warned to avoid the deception of an alluring harlot.
Then and now, there have always been avenues to seek out illicit sex. Today, it is actively pursuing us—whether we’re male or female, married or single.
Almost every young man and many young women will enter marriage with some history of exposure to pornography or erotica (often the female version of porn).
Because of its widespread use, visual and written porn are often accepted as facts of modern-day life. But just because something is widespread doesn’t mean it isn’t also dangerous.
Never confuse a teammate for the opponent
One of Satan’s most successful strategies is to turn husbands and wives against each other.
He constantly attempts to destroy, demolish, and distort married sex. Not only will he use sexual temptation to water down your sexual intimacy, but he will also try to use the battle to divide you.
Battling sexual temptation is difficult enough, but it becomes impossible when you are fighting each other instead of clearly identifying the true enemy.
If either of you struggles with sexual temptation, you must begin to identify your problem as a couple.
I don’t mean that you should take responsibility for your fiancé(e)’s purity. However, when sexual sin and temptation hits one of you, it impacts both of you. Satan will use pornography, inappropriate emotional attachments, and other forms of temptation to further divide you if he can define your spouse-to-be as “the problem” or “the enemy.”
The greatest sex advice for the wedding night: stand together as Christians
As a newlywed Christian couple, you’ll find that sex is about standing together, united as one from your wedding night onward. As long as you are fighting each other, you cannot stand together. Standing together starts with humility and empathy.
Have an attitude of humility
As Jesus taught, we cannot lovingly confront another person’s sin until we’ve brought our own failings before God and sought His grace.
You might not know what it’s like to struggle with sexual temptation, but you do know what it’s like to have a “besetting sin.” Maybe yours is gossip, dishonesty, bitterness, pride, or coveting.
Once you’re married, if you encounter sexual sin in your marriage, confront your spouse with humility and awareness of your own weaknesses rather than feeding shame with a self-righteous spirit of judgment.
Strive for empathy with your spouse
Empathy doesn’t mean that you ignore the problem but that you strive together in God’s strength to honor Him.
The thing I love about this is it turns Satan’s strategies against him.
Instead of letting Satan divide you, you and your future spouse will become more united than ever as you fight together for your marriage. Indeed, God can “[work all things] together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).
Christians play offense and defense in sex and intimacy
If you’re a sports fan, you know the importance of a great offense and defense. No team can win the Super Bowl, the World Series, an NBA championship, or the World Cup without both. The same will be true in your marriage.
For your love life to flourish and go the distance, you’ll have to work together to build offensive and defensive strategies.
Defensive strategies for the wedding night and beyond
A lot of the information you get from Christian sources emphasizes defense.
Many sermons and books teach about the importance of purity in marriage, setting up hedges against affairs, and battling temptation.
Building boundaries and safeguards to keep your marriage bed pure is extremely important. You’ll need to talk about things like whether to keep old flames as Facebook friends and what boundaries to have with opposite-sex co-workers.
What is currently an innocent connection may become a source of temptation when things in your marriage get difficult. As hard as it may be to imagine today, you will face sexual temptation at some point in your marriage.
Start preparing for it now.
Offensive strategies for the wedding night and beyond
Just as important as playing defense in your marriage, you’ll need to work together to learn how to “score” (yes, the pun is intended)! As they say in sports, “The best defense is a great offense.”
This definitely applies to marital sexuality. A couple who has a mutually satisfying, exciting sex life is far less open to temptation than a couple who doesn’t.
How do you plan for an exciting sex life in marriage?
First, realize that you have permission to do so. A lot of Christians have a hard time erasing all of the “thou shalt not” messages. Even though you might intellectually know it’s OK to have sex once you’re married, you may still feel restrained or guilty for being too sexual.
Truly enjoy your spouse sexually
Are Christians really supposed to get carried away with sexual pleasure in the marriage bed?
The answer is yes! If you don’t believe me, take a look at the Song of Solomon. Both Solomon and his bride were very free with their bodies and their words and were absolutely taken with sexual pleasure. And God said this was good!
John Piper encourages married couples to offensively battle Satan by pleasing each other in bed:
The spiritual side of sexuality
There is nothing spiritual about settling for a mediocre sex life.
Yes, there will be seasons of marriage in which sex might be difficult or may not be a high priority. But God’s desire for you is that you work toward experiencing the greatest sexual delight in one another.
My advice to Christian newlywed couples is to treat sex as one of the foundational pieces of your marriage. As you look forward to the wedding night and your marriage, take some time to talk together about what steps you think God would have you take to lay the foundation for intimacy that will last a lifetime.
Not just the wedding night, but a lifetime of great sex
Building a great sex life over the years will take intentionality, time, and effort. But trust me, it’s well worth the effort, and it’s a whole lot more fun than just playing defense!
I’m so glad that the greatest sex isn’t on your honeymoon (or before you’re married), as some might have led you to believe. If you stay committed to “making love” after the honeymoon, your sexual journey will get sweeter and sweeter with time.
Once you’re married, don’t neglect this important part of your marriage. With a little effort and patience, the depth of intimacy you can achieve will be indescribable.
The post Christian Sex Advice for the Wedding Night and Beyond appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
