B
bixa525
Guest
My main focus is "preparedness" and otherwise being right with God. I have questions, thoughts, issues, that have plagued me for a long time. I know some of what I am thinking isn't quite right, which is why I am asking for guidance from those of you who know more than I.
To give a little background - I was saved when I was 28, wandered, came back... I have read the Bible through, I used to put a lot of study into Revelation but I stopped long ago because it scared me too much. I know it's not supposed to, but it does.
I do not feel I am right with God. I've come a long way in my walk with God, and continue to learn but the sense of peace many Christians speak of has eluded me. I struggle with my relationship with God, which is wrapped into an intense fear of the End Times. I've felt it would happen in my lifetime for the last 20 years, and the worsening global economy and other things aren't doing much to calm my nerves. I have these awful contradictory thoughts that I just don't know how to deal with. The main ones are below.
*I am the first person to defend God's existance when that situation arises. I am wonderful at showing others how God has worked in their lives, and love testifying to what He has done in mine. Yet almost daily little thoughts creep into my mind wondering if my beliefs are right, if God really exists - which sends me into a turmoil of "Oh God I'm going to go to hell for that". Other times I think "that's just the evil one fighting me" but somehow I feel these doubts will "doom me". I might sound like a goofball to some of you but this terrifies me.
But still, things like "we are saved by the Grace of God" still confuse me. I read these threads about all the things a Christian should be and do, and I feel I fall short. There are several issues in my life where I know I am sinning and yet I find I repeat my behavior - even knowingly - and this is where I fall apart. Am I saved? But I keep sinning. Am I not? But what about grace... I seem to function as if I am trying to make my life more and more perfect - and yet, I know that is ridiculous and by no means am I trying to "earn" my way into heaven but then what about what an awful sinner I am? And then I beat myself up because darnit I should "get" this!
*My fear of the end times greatly affects my life. I stock food and necessities, yet I don't know why because engrained in my memory (one of the few things) is a verse about "don't even go back to get anything, just run". I've got 3 daughters to care for and I am petrified they will suffer. Friends have told me the evil one is using that against me because he knows that's my weakness. Further, I have images of just how awful things are going to get, and "what if" someday somebody's holding a knife - not to my throat, but to one of my daughter's and telling me to denounce God. I don't know what I'd do! I know the consequences to that, but I don't know if I could look at my daughter looking at me like "save me mom". A friend told me I have to believe God would take her the instant before, but under no circumstances could I denounce God. I know this and if and when this time comes I will not denounce God but yet the fear of this moment seems to haunt me.
I've heard people say "there's nothing you can do to prepare", and yet I recently heard a sermon which quoted some scriptures about "being educated" in order to understand the signs. So is it our obligation to be educated and therefore prepare? What if I mess up the understanding? Just reading the threads here, few are in agreement over what the various scriptures mean about the second coming. What if I do something wrong unknowingly, and God says "you should have known, it was right there in scripture".
This has all been bothering me for a very long time and I cannot find peace with these things. I have one friend in particular that has the most beautiful relationship with God, he walks with joy every day and is totally at peace - and I admit, I'm envious of that. I want to feel that, I want that peace and it escapes me. I feel like a total failure of a Christian.
This isn't going to come out right but I don't know how to say it well - the fact I feel this way is at least ironic, if not almost torturous, to me. I know I have been a part of bringing people closer to God, I know I have made a difference in people's lives. How come I can do that and still feel these things?!?!
Please help me to find peace and understanding,
In Jesus's precious name , Amen
To give a little background - I was saved when I was 28, wandered, came back... I have read the Bible through, I used to put a lot of study into Revelation but I stopped long ago because it scared me too much. I know it's not supposed to, but it does.
I do not feel I am right with God. I've come a long way in my walk with God, and continue to learn but the sense of peace many Christians speak of has eluded me. I struggle with my relationship with God, which is wrapped into an intense fear of the End Times. I've felt it would happen in my lifetime for the last 20 years, and the worsening global economy and other things aren't doing much to calm my nerves. I have these awful contradictory thoughts that I just don't know how to deal with. The main ones are below.
*I am the first person to defend God's existance when that situation arises. I am wonderful at showing others how God has worked in their lives, and love testifying to what He has done in mine. Yet almost daily little thoughts creep into my mind wondering if my beliefs are right, if God really exists - which sends me into a turmoil of "Oh God I'm going to go to hell for that". Other times I think "that's just the evil one fighting me" but somehow I feel these doubts will "doom me". I might sound like a goofball to some of you but this terrifies me.
But still, things like "we are saved by the Grace of God" still confuse me. I read these threads about all the things a Christian should be and do, and I feel I fall short. There are several issues in my life where I know I am sinning and yet I find I repeat my behavior - even knowingly - and this is where I fall apart. Am I saved? But I keep sinning. Am I not? But what about grace... I seem to function as if I am trying to make my life more and more perfect - and yet, I know that is ridiculous and by no means am I trying to "earn" my way into heaven but then what about what an awful sinner I am? And then I beat myself up because darnit I should "get" this!
*My fear of the end times greatly affects my life. I stock food and necessities, yet I don't know why because engrained in my memory (one of the few things) is a verse about "don't even go back to get anything, just run". I've got 3 daughters to care for and I am petrified they will suffer. Friends have told me the evil one is using that against me because he knows that's my weakness. Further, I have images of just how awful things are going to get, and "what if" someday somebody's holding a knife - not to my throat, but to one of my daughter's and telling me to denounce God. I don't know what I'd do! I know the consequences to that, but I don't know if I could look at my daughter looking at me like "save me mom". A friend told me I have to believe God would take her the instant before, but under no circumstances could I denounce God. I know this and if and when this time comes I will not denounce God but yet the fear of this moment seems to haunt me.
I've heard people say "there's nothing you can do to prepare", and yet I recently heard a sermon which quoted some scriptures about "being educated" in order to understand the signs. So is it our obligation to be educated and therefore prepare? What if I mess up the understanding? Just reading the threads here, few are in agreement over what the various scriptures mean about the second coming. What if I do something wrong unknowingly, and God says "you should have known, it was right there in scripture".
This has all been bothering me for a very long time and I cannot find peace with these things. I have one friend in particular that has the most beautiful relationship with God, he walks with joy every day and is totally at peace - and I admit, I'm envious of that. I want to feel that, I want that peace and it escapes me. I feel like a total failure of a Christian.
This isn't going to come out right but I don't know how to say it well - the fact I feel this way is at least ironic, if not almost torturous, to me. I know I have been a part of bringing people closer to God, I know I have made a difference in people's lives. How come I can do that and still feel these things?!?!
Please help me to find peace and understanding,
In Jesus's precious name , Amen
