- Dec 20, 2019
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Cohabitation … at a marriage conference? That’s not what I was expecting! Erin and I lead marriage conferences around the country. We share ways couples can reconnect with each other and strengthen relationships. Most couples are looking for practical ideas and insights, not advice on cohabitation. So, I was surprised when, during a conference break, a man in his early twenties asked to talk about his live-in relationship.
“I love what you’re teaching,” he said. “My girlfriend and I do everything you’re teaching about building great marriages … but we aren’t married. Why do we need a ‘piece of paper’ when we’re already doing everything you and Erin encourage people to do? Convince me that marriage is really necessary.”
Chances are, you’ve heard a similar challenge from a family member or friend. They’ve found someone special but want to proceed with caution. After all, marriage is for life. Cohabitation offers an easy on-ramp and off-ramp for relationships. If it doesn’t work, we can always break it off without all the legal hassles.
Is it that simple? Does cohabitation really help couples get to know each other so that they can build a strong marriage later? If you search the Web or read forums like Quora or Reddit, you’ll find stories from people who’ve “successfully” cohabitated. They recommend it to help couples “weed out the bad ones.”
That’s one side of the argument. What’s the other? It’s taking an honest look at what the Author of marriage – God – says and then looking at the track record of marriage vs. cohabitation.
OK, that’s the balanced way of looking at the issue—the adult way. But when I heard his challenge, I felt like a Mission Impossible agent getting an assignment: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to convince this young man that marriage is better than cohabitation. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.
I was disappointed when there was no small explosion or puff of smoke nearby, but still accepted the challenge. “Let’s do this,” I said. “I’ll ask you a question and give you time to think about it, then we’ll discuss your answer during the conference breaks.”
A quick fist bump sealed the deal.
Erin and I are marriage counselors. We’ve talked to many couples trying to determine why things aren’t working in their relationships. Many times, relationship struggles are the result of making assumptions about life, expectations, or the other person. Cohabitation feeds those assumptions by making false promises—lies—about what it can do for a relationship.
We call these “lies” for two reasons: First, we’re Christian marriage counselors who believe God gave us a master plan for marriage. It works. Yes, we’re all human and often break things, but God’s design works. We’ve seen the difference it makes when we choose to follow it. Just think about all the stories you’ve seen about couples married for 70 or even 80 years. Deep down, we all want our relationships to be like that. It happens by following God’s design.
The other reason we say that cohabitation lies is because we’ve seen the results. Respected researchers and institutions (we’ll share their findings) – religious and non-religious – have spent years talking to couples and studying the results. They all agree that cohabitation doesn’t do what it promises. Most cohabiting couples either “slide” into an unhealthy relationship that leaves them unsatisfied, or if they eventually marry, the relationship doesn’t last.
“But I’ll beat the odds,” couples say. “Our love is different. We’re different.” OK, but if you’re betting against the odds, remember “the House always wins.” Many couples claim they have an advantage, but ultimately, they learn the truth: we all fall short.
Erin and I stand for marriage and against cohabitation. We want to save couples the heartache that comes from doing things wrong. God’s design for marriage works. It’s that straightforward. Yes, culture is complicated. Starting a family or a home is very expensive. But there are no shortcuts to success. Marriage takes work. It’s worth it, but you must enter wholeheartedly to make it work.
If you can handle that truth and are bold enough to give it your all, let’s give this topic—cohabitation—an honest look.
Is marriage necessary? People like the man at our conference genuinely want to know if marriage matters. They see broken marriages, financial struggles, and difficulties everywhere they look. Do I really have to do this if my partner and I just like each other and want to know we’re making a good decision?
Read the Full Report from Pew Research Center.
Erin and I feel like people are asking the wrong questions about relationships because they’ve fallen for three lies about cohabitation:
The man at the conference believed these lies. Remember his question: “My girlfriend and I do everything you share about building great marriages. Why do we need a ‘piece of paper’ when we’re already doing everything you and Erin encourage people to do?”
“Erin and I are counselors,” I told the young man at the conference, “and we ask people many questions. Here’s a question for you. Think about this during the next session: What do you truly want for your girlfriend?”
At the next break, he approached me with an answer: “I want my girlfriend to feel deeply loved.”
“That’s great. That’s a fantastic goal,” I said. “But what does ‘love’ mean? What does it look like in action?”
He thought about it and said, “It’s like that verse in the Bible … Genesis, I think … that the two ‘become one’.”
“Oneness is powerful,” I replied. “It’s when two individuals share an unbreakable bond – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. ‘Oneness’ is the result of deep intimacy. Sounds like that’s what you want for you and your girlfriend – Intimacy.”
“Exactly … and we don’t need a marriage license to experience love and intimacy.” He paused and then gave a sly smile. “And I know you’ll ask me how to define intimacy. It’s more than sex.”
We both laughed. “You win that round,” I said. “You’re on the right track. I agree that it’s more. In fact, intimacy is a God-given desire to be fully known. The word itself – intimacy – comes from a Latin term that means, “to make known your innermost.”
“Cool, but … so what?” he asked.
“Let’s play a word game,” I said. “Say ‘intimacy’ slowly – syllable by syllable.”
His response sounded like “in-to-me-see.”
“Did you hear what you just said?” I asked. “You just asked me to look inside and see your ‘innermost’ being. Now, think about you and your girlfriend. You both long to be completely seen and known … to be intimate with each other. But there’s a catch. Intimacy requires vulnerability.”
He nodded his head. I could tell he was thinking.
“The most important truth I’ve learned about relationships is that to reach those levels of intimacy and connection, you must give the other person full access to the most vulnerable part of you – your heart. And that’s risky because you don’t know what they’ll do with it. If you open your heart to them, will you be loved unconditionally? And if the other person sees your ‘innermost’ – the real you – all your flaws and mistakes, will they stay? Especially if you’ve both made it easy to walk away. We all want to be loved and accepted, but we fear being rejected and abandoned.”
“Sure,” he said, “that makes sense.”
I checked the clock on the wall. Break time was almost over. “Here’s your next assignment: Love is risky, and no one wants to get hurt. How can you create genuine connection and intimacy with your girlfriend so that she is fully seen and known?”
Erin and I had just wrapped up the evening session, and she was chatting with a couple who came up to say hello. I looked around for the young man. Sure enough, there he was, a few steps away from the stage. I smiled and walked over to him.
“What’s your answer? How do you create a deep connection and intimacy with your girlfriend?”
“I guess it comes down to things like complimenting her, going on romantic dates, showing affection, and having fun.” He seemed uncertain about his answer, and added, “Y’know, the ‘love language’ stuff.”
I knew exactly what he was talking about. “Yeah, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It’s a classic. And he talks about some significant behaviors … but by themselves, those ‘behaviors’ won’t create the intimacy your girlfriend wants. She longs to be fully seen and known. That will only happen if she feels safe enough to open her heart to you. And sure, you’re living together, and you get along … but she doesn’t feel safe and secure right now.”
I waited for him to protest, but he was silent.
“You’ve been sold a lie, friend. Culture and media insist that cohabitation gives you all the rewards of marriage without the commitment. But that “piece of paper’ is the foundation for a lifelong relationship. Marriage creates safety – the promise that you’re both truly all in. Living together can’t offer that same assurance. As long as you’re cohabitating, there’s always an open door. Either one of you can walk away at any time. That’s not real safety or security, and it’s not the love story either of you deserves.”
“I’d never walk away from her,” he said. He sounded indignant, as if I had accused him of a crime unworthy of a season-long podcast.
“It doesn’t matter what you say or feel.” I ignored his glare and kept talking. “There’s nothing safe or secure about cohabitation. Sure, you’ve got some financial benefits. You’ve got a companion. It’s convenient. But you don’t have a commitment. Why would she give you access to her “innermost,” the “in-to-me-see” real “her” if you’re not fully committed?”
“Marriage offers that commitment because you both make a ‘sacred promise,’ a covenant, before God and witnesses. That changes everything. Now your relationship has a solid foundation, and because of that, you can build trust, safety, and intimacy.
“So, no, marriage isn’t some magic shield against brokenness, but it does make it safe to give your all because your spouse is doing the same.”
“Hmm.” That’s all he had to say.
“OK, here’s assignment number two: After tonight’s event, read your girlfriend the love story of Boaz and Ruth. It’s in the Old Testament book of Ruth, chapters two through four. It’s one of the most beautiful stories about the importance of a woman feeling safe and secure in the relationship.”
“Sure,” he said, “I’ll read it to her tonight. I want her to feel safe and secure … but I also want to make sure we’re compatible so that if we get married, we won’t divorce.”
I felt someone tap my shoulder. It was Erin. “I’m ready to go,” she whispered. “This was a good session, but I’m tired.” I was too.
The young man heard Erin’s comment and smiled. “It is getting late,” he said, looking at me.
“Tomorrow?” he asked.
“Absolutely,” I said with a smile.
The next morning, I was reviewing my notes and PowerPoint slides when I saw the young man and his girlfriend walk into the auditorium. I waved and invited him to come up to the stage.
Most people who come to our events are in an OK marriage. It’s not perfect, but it’s not falling apart. They come for a “refresher” or marriage boost. They’re looking for ways to reconnect. Erin and I enjoy helping couples rediscover each other.
Others come to our events because their marriages are hurting. They’re in a difficult season and don’t know where to turn, but they saw an advertisement for a marriage conference and are desperate for advice. We point them to local Christian counselors or Focus on the Family’s Hope Restored program, where they can find help.
And then there was the young man and his girlfriend. They wanted a good relationship but weren’t convinced marriage was for them. So, they moved in together to “test drive” the relationship and ensure it would work.
“I want to make sure we’re compatible,” the young guy said as he stood next to me. “My parents divorced when I was 10. That was the worst moment of my life.
My heart went out to him. “That must have been awful,” I said. “It makes sense that you want to know you’re choosing the right person. So, I want to be honest with you. The whole ‘test drive’ thing is a lie.”
He looked at me like I’d grown a third arm. “C’mon… a lie? How else do you get to know your future spouse?”
“Erin has a counseling practice,” I said. “She meets with couples who’ve tried the same thing you’re doing. And we keep up with the research. Moving in together to ‘test drive’ the relationship creates conflict, and – if you eventually get married – you’re more likely to divorce. Cohabitation is about the worst thing you can do to your relationship.”
“That sounds like a bad public service announcement on regular TV,” he said. “We’ve upgraded to Netflix. You should try it.”
I rolled my eyes. “I get it,” I said. “And I know you hope that living together exposes all the red flags that might lead to divorce. But with cohabitation, it’s just the opposite. You get so close to the other person that your “vision” gets blurry, and you lose your objectivity.”
“Not following you,” he mumbled.
“Look, when you moved in together, you intensified the relationship. You got closer emotionally, and your lives got closer – now you’re sharing a house, money, routines, maybe even a pet. And you told family and friends, so now they’re cheering you on. That’s extra pressure on you and your girlfriend to stay together. When you’re so dependent on each other, without that “sacred promise” of marriage, you either don’t notice the red flags or you ignore them, or worse, rationalize them away. One day, you realize you’re in an unhealthy relationship – and you could walk away – but breaking up is complicated because that means someone either loses a place to live, or you can’t pay the bills. And who gets the dog? How do you untangle all that? So, you try to “make things work,” but you never stopped to ask if things should work at all.”
He scowled and looked away. “So, what? We’re back to ‘marriage is a magic shield against divorce?'” There was more than a touch of sarcasm and pain in his voice. “I know better.”
“You’re right,” I said. “But marriage – that piece of paper – says, ‘I’m all in. I love you unconditionally. You’re safe. And always will be.”
People often claim that cohabitation “replicates” a marriage relationship. After all, if you live with someone, have sex with them, and spend all your time with them, you’ll learn what works and what doesn’t. But cohabitation offers an easy opt-out if things aren’t working or you’re incompatible.
Is that true? Here’s what we’ve learned:
Social scientists have found that, instead of compatibility, cohabitation creates inertia. Couples tend to stay in a relationship longer than they should (even if there are significant red flags) because their lives get entangled. He’s not a great guy, but living alone is too expensive. She never helps with groceries or paying bills, but every now and then we have sex. Couples end up “sliding” into a relationship that exists but never satisfies.
In contrast to culture’s idea of compability, the Bible speaks of intentionality. 1 Peter 3:7 tells husbands to “Treat your wife with understanding as you live together” (NLT). In the original Greek text, “understanding” means “knowledge.” So, in context, this verse tells husbands to “live with your wife according to knowledge.”
You gain knowledge about your wife by staying curious about her as a person. Study her life. Talk to her often. Learn who she is today and who she wants to be tomorrow.
Erin knows me well. She’d bought a Celsius drink at the hotel and slipped it into her bag because she knew I’d need it after our first morning session. I didn’t even have to ask for one! She just handed it to me. I opened it and took a sip. “You’re amazing,” I said after I’d taken a sip and put it on the podium.
“Are you talking to me or the Celsius?” Erin asked. The tone of her voice and the twinkle in her eye told me she was feeling good and having fun at today’s event.
“The Celsius, obviously,” I teased.
She shook her head and looked away. I smiled. We were both enjoying the weekend.
“Hey, there’s your new friend,” she pointed at the young man. He was walking toward the stage. “What are you guys talking about?” She asked. “It seems intense. Is everything OK?”
“It is. I’ll catch you up later. For now, will you pray about the conversation?”
“Sure,” she said, heading out to the lobby to find a snack. I watched her walk away and felt grateful to have a spouse who prays for me and cheers me on.
The young man wanted to talk more. He seemed troubled.
“Looks like you’ve been thinking,” I said.
“Yeah, and I’m still not convinced that marriage is for us. Cohabitation still feels like the right answer. My parents divorced, and I don’t want to make the same mistake. So, by moving in together, we can find all the issues and then build a strong foundation for the future.”
“I hear you,” I said, “You want the best for you and your girlfriend. She’s worth it. But cohabitation doesn’t create a strong foundation. It makes cracks in your foundation that get bigger over time.”
“I don’t understand.”
I took a deep breath and whispered a prayer about what I’d say next. It wouldn’t be easy for the young man to hear. “When you live together before marriage, you make compromises.”
“Like what?” He sounded defensive.
“You told me last night that you’re a Christian and that following God’s Word is important to you.”
“Absolutely.”
“Then, honestly, do you think God wants you having sex with your girlfriend?”
He blushed – just a tiny bit. “Probably not … no.”
“You’re right. God’s desire for us is to abstain from premarital sex. He’s made that very clear in His Word. God intended for us to enjoy an amazing sex life within the marriage boundary.
Anything outside that is “counterfeit” intimacy. And it’s another compromise … another crack in the foundation. Once you compromise in one area, it’s easy to compromise in others – honesty, inappropriate friendships with the opposite-sex, and mishandling finances. The cracks in the foundation start to add up, and soon you’ll find yourself doing the very thing you’re trying to prevent. Your relationship will eventually break.”
“I get it,” he admitted, “I do feel guilty about us having sex.”
“And God forgives when you humble yourself before Him and turn from the sin. He wants you to follow His plan instead of “sliding” into something less than His best for you and your girlfriend.”
God created marriage and called it “good.” His plan for marriage involves one man and one woman united by a sacred promise for a lifetime. Our world may think marriage is old-fashioned, but God’s design is timeless.
We can choose to follow God’s plan or go our own way. No marriage is perfect—we’re human after all—but God’s design for marriage gives couples the best opportunity to build safe and secure relationships where true intimacy can flourish.
Cohabitation can’t offer the same connection. Social scientists and researchers have spent years comparing cohabitation with marriage. When you look at their results, cohabitation loses every time:
Erin and I started packing up after our fourth and final conference session. She talked to our hosts and other couples for a few minutes while I gathered my notes and equipment. I’m careful when picking up all the cables and connectors. Those things are expensive to replace!
When I was sure I had collected everything, I looked up and saw the young man and his girlfriend standing near the stage. She was dabbing tears from her eyes with one hand while firmly clasping his with the other. They were both smiling.
Erin and I walked over to talk to them.
“We’ve been praying and talking,” the young man said, “and we’ve decided it’s time to go ring shopping.”
His girlfriend’s eyes sparkled through the tears. “I never thought anybody could convince him that marriage is more than a piece of paper. Thank you,” she said, then hugged Erin and me before walking away.
“What was that all about?” Erin wanted to know.
I grinned and winked. “While you were chitchatting during breaks, I was busy launching a marriage. I’m so amazing.”
“Oh, please,” Erin sighed as we walked out the door. “I hope your head still fits through the doors.”
I laughed. “OK,” I said, “Maybe I deserved that.”
Maybe you know a couple thinking about moving in together. Is God asking you to speak to them in truth and love? If so, here are tools you can use as you prayerfully consider what to say.
We’ve gathered Scriptures, statistics, and links to articles and resources to help share God’s design for marriage with couples in your community.
FIND A CHRISTIAN COUNSELOR
BECOME A MARRIAGE CHAMPION!
The post COHABITATION: DOES IT HELP OR HURT? appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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“I love what you’re teaching,” he said. “My girlfriend and I do everything you’re teaching about building great marriages … but we aren’t married. Why do we need a ‘piece of paper’ when we’re already doing everything you and Erin encourage people to do? Convince me that marriage is really necessary.”
COHABITATION: TODAY’S “NEW NORMAL”
Chances are, you’ve heard a similar challenge from a family member or friend. They’ve found someone special but want to proceed with caution. After all, marriage is for life. Cohabitation offers an easy on-ramp and off-ramp for relationships. If it doesn’t work, we can always break it off without all the legal hassles.
Is it that simple? Does cohabitation really help couples get to know each other so that they can build a strong marriage later? If you search the Web or read forums like Quora or Reddit, you’ll find stories from people who’ve “successfully” cohabitated. They recommend it to help couples “weed out the bad ones.”
That’s one side of the argument. What’s the other? It’s taking an honest look at what the Author of marriage – God – says and then looking at the track record of marriage vs. cohabitation.
OK, that’s the balanced way of looking at the issue—the adult way. But when I heard his challenge, I felt like a Mission Impossible agent getting an assignment: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to convince this young man that marriage is better than cohabitation. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.
I was disappointed when there was no small explosion or puff of smoke nearby, but still accepted the challenge. “Let’s do this,” I said. “I’ll ask you a question and give you time to think about it, then we’ll discuss your answer during the conference breaks.”
A quick fist bump sealed the deal.
WHY WE BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE INSTEAD OF COHABITATION
Erin and I are marriage counselors. We’ve talked to many couples trying to determine why things aren’t working in their relationships. Many times, relationship struggles are the result of making assumptions about life, expectations, or the other person. Cohabitation feeds those assumptions by making false promises—lies—about what it can do for a relationship.
We call these “lies” for two reasons: First, we’re Christian marriage counselors who believe God gave us a master plan for marriage. It works. Yes, we’re all human and often break things, but God’s design works. We’ve seen the difference it makes when we choose to follow it. Just think about all the stories you’ve seen about couples married for 70 or even 80 years. Deep down, we all want our relationships to be like that. It happens by following God’s design.
The other reason we say that cohabitation lies is because we’ve seen the results. Respected researchers and institutions (we’ll share their findings) – religious and non-religious – have spent years talking to couples and studying the results. They all agree that cohabitation doesn’t do what it promises. Most cohabiting couples either “slide” into an unhealthy relationship that leaves them unsatisfied, or if they eventually marry, the relationship doesn’t last.
The Odds Are Against Cohabitation
“But I’ll beat the odds,” couples say. “Our love is different. We’re different.” OK, but if you’re betting against the odds, remember “the House always wins.” Many couples claim they have an advantage, but ultimately, they learn the truth: we all fall short.
Erin and I stand for marriage and against cohabitation. We want to save couples the heartache that comes from doing things wrong. God’s design for marriage works. It’s that straightforward. Yes, culture is complicated. Starting a family or a home is very expensive. But there are no shortcuts to success. Marriage takes work. It’s worth it, but you must enter wholeheartedly to make it work.
If you can handle that truth and are bold enough to give it your all, let’s give this topic—cohabitation—an honest look.
THE THREE LIES OF COHABITATION
Is marriage necessary? People like the man at our conference genuinely want to know if marriage matters. They see broken marriages, financial struggles, and difficulties everywhere they look. Do I really have to do this if my partner and I just like each other and want to know we’re making a good decision?
Read the Full Report from Pew Research Center.
Erin and I feel like people are asking the wrong questions about relationships because they’ve fallen for three lies about cohabitation:
- Cohabitation offers all the benefits of marriage without a “piece of paper.”
- Cohabitation allows us to “test drive” the relationship to determine compatibility.
- Cohabitation helps us build a strong foundation for a future marriage.
The man at the conference believed these lies. Remember his question: “My girlfriend and I do everything you share about building great marriages. Why do we need a ‘piece of paper’ when we’re already doing everything you and Erin encourage people to do?”
COHABITATION LIE #1: IT’S JUST A PIECE OF PAPER
“Erin and I are counselors,” I told the young man at the conference, “and we ask people many questions. Here’s a question for you. Think about this during the next session: What do you truly want for your girlfriend?”
At the next break, he approached me with an answer: “I want my girlfriend to feel deeply loved.”
“That’s great. That’s a fantastic goal,” I said. “But what does ‘love’ mean? What does it look like in action?”
He thought about it and said, “It’s like that verse in the Bible … Genesis, I think … that the two ‘become one’.”
“Oneness is powerful,” I replied. “It’s when two individuals share an unbreakable bond – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. ‘Oneness’ is the result of deep intimacy. Sounds like that’s what you want for you and your girlfriend – Intimacy.”
“Exactly … and we don’t need a marriage license to experience love and intimacy.” He paused and then gave a sly smile. “And I know you’ll ask me how to define intimacy. It’s more than sex.”
We both laughed. “You win that round,” I said. “You’re on the right track. I agree that it’s more. In fact, intimacy is a God-given desire to be fully known. The word itself – intimacy – comes from a Latin term that means, “to make known your innermost.”
“Cool, but … so what?” he asked.
Intimacy = Into Me See
“Let’s play a word game,” I said. “Say ‘intimacy’ slowly – syllable by syllable.”
His response sounded like “in-to-me-see.”
“Did you hear what you just said?” I asked. “You just asked me to look inside and see your ‘innermost’ being. Now, think about you and your girlfriend. You both long to be completely seen and known … to be intimate with each other. But there’s a catch. Intimacy requires vulnerability.”
He nodded his head. I could tell he was thinking.
“The most important truth I’ve learned about relationships is that to reach those levels of intimacy and connection, you must give the other person full access to the most vulnerable part of you – your heart. And that’s risky because you don’t know what they’ll do with it. If you open your heart to them, will you be loved unconditionally? And if the other person sees your ‘innermost’ – the real you – all your flaws and mistakes, will they stay? Especially if you’ve both made it easy to walk away. We all want to be loved and accepted, but we fear being rejected and abandoned.”
“Sure,” he said, “that makes sense.”
I checked the clock on the wall. Break time was almost over. “Here’s your next assignment: Love is risky, and no one wants to get hurt. How can you create genuine connection and intimacy with your girlfriend so that she is fully seen and known?”
TRUTH #1: INTIMACY REQUIRES SAFETY
Erin and I had just wrapped up the evening session, and she was chatting with a couple who came up to say hello. I looked around for the young man. Sure enough, there he was, a few steps away from the stage. I smiled and walked over to him.
“What’s your answer? How do you create a deep connection and intimacy with your girlfriend?”
“I guess it comes down to things like complimenting her, going on romantic dates, showing affection, and having fun.” He seemed uncertain about his answer, and added, “Y’know, the ‘love language’ stuff.”
I knew exactly what he was talking about. “Yeah, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It’s a classic. And he talks about some significant behaviors … but by themselves, those ‘behaviors’ won’t create the intimacy your girlfriend wants. She longs to be fully seen and known. That will only happen if she feels safe enough to open her heart to you. And sure, you’re living together, and you get along … but she doesn’t feel safe and secure right now.”
I waited for him to protest, but he was silent.
A Piece of Paper … Or a Lasting Commitment?
“You’ve been sold a lie, friend. Culture and media insist that cohabitation gives you all the rewards of marriage without the commitment. But that “piece of paper’ is the foundation for a lifelong relationship. Marriage creates safety – the promise that you’re both truly all in. Living together can’t offer that same assurance. As long as you’re cohabitating, there’s always an open door. Either one of you can walk away at any time. That’s not real safety or security, and it’s not the love story either of you deserves.”
“I’d never walk away from her,” he said. He sounded indignant, as if I had accused him of a crime unworthy of a season-long podcast.
Marriage Is Not a Magic Shield
“It doesn’t matter what you say or feel.” I ignored his glare and kept talking. “There’s nothing safe or secure about cohabitation. Sure, you’ve got some financial benefits. You’ve got a companion. It’s convenient. But you don’t have a commitment. Why would she give you access to her “innermost,” the “in-to-me-see” real “her” if you’re not fully committed?”
“Marriage offers that commitment because you both make a ‘sacred promise,’ a covenant, before God and witnesses. That changes everything. Now your relationship has a solid foundation, and because of that, you can build trust, safety, and intimacy.
“So, no, marriage isn’t some magic shield against brokenness, but it does make it safe to give your all because your spouse is doing the same.”
“Hmm.” That’s all he had to say.
“OK, here’s assignment number two: After tonight’s event, read your girlfriend the love story of Boaz and Ruth. It’s in the Old Testament book of Ruth, chapters two through four. It’s one of the most beautiful stories about the importance of a woman feeling safe and secure in the relationship.”
“Sure,” he said, “I’ll read it to her tonight. I want her to feel safe and secure … but I also want to make sure we’re compatible so that if we get married, we won’t divorce.”
I felt someone tap my shoulder. It was Erin. “I’m ready to go,” she whispered. “This was a good session, but I’m tired.” I was too.
The young man heard Erin’s comment and smiled. “It is getting late,” he said, looking at me.
“Tomorrow?” he asked.
“Absolutely,” I said with a smile.
COHABITATION LIE #2: IT’S A TEST DRIVE
The next morning, I was reviewing my notes and PowerPoint slides when I saw the young man and his girlfriend walk into the auditorium. I waved and invited him to come up to the stage.
Most people who come to our events are in an OK marriage. It’s not perfect, but it’s not falling apart. They come for a “refresher” or marriage boost. They’re looking for ways to reconnect. Erin and I enjoy helping couples rediscover each other.
Others come to our events because their marriages are hurting. They’re in a difficult season and don’t know where to turn, but they saw an advertisement for a marriage conference and are desperate for advice. We point them to local Christian counselors or Focus on the Family’s Hope Restored program, where they can find help.
And then there was the young man and his girlfriend. They wanted a good relationship but weren’t convinced marriage was for them. So, they moved in together to “test drive” the relationship and ensure it would work.
Compatibility or Chaos?
“I want to make sure we’re compatible,” the young guy said as he stood next to me. “My parents divorced when I was 10. That was the worst moment of my life.
My heart went out to him. “That must have been awful,” I said. “It makes sense that you want to know you’re choosing the right person. So, I want to be honest with you. The whole ‘test drive’ thing is a lie.”
He looked at me like I’d grown a third arm. “C’mon… a lie? How else do you get to know your future spouse?”
“Erin has a counseling practice,” I said. “She meets with couples who’ve tried the same thing you’re doing. And we keep up with the research. Moving in together to ‘test drive’ the relationship creates conflict, and – if you eventually get married – you’re more likely to divorce. Cohabitation is about the worst thing you can do to your relationship.”
“That sounds like a bad public service announcement on regular TV,” he said. “We’ve upgraded to Netflix. You should try it.”
I rolled my eyes. “I get it,” I said. “And I know you hope that living together exposes all the red flags that might lead to divorce. But with cohabitation, it’s just the opposite. You get so close to the other person that your “vision” gets blurry, and you lose your objectivity.”
“Not following you,” he mumbled.
A Messy Entanglement
“Look, when you moved in together, you intensified the relationship. You got closer emotionally, and your lives got closer – now you’re sharing a house, money, routines, maybe even a pet. And you told family and friends, so now they’re cheering you on. That’s extra pressure on you and your girlfriend to stay together. When you’re so dependent on each other, without that “sacred promise” of marriage, you either don’t notice the red flags or you ignore them, or worse, rationalize them away. One day, you realize you’re in an unhealthy relationship – and you could walk away – but breaking up is complicated because that means someone either loses a place to live, or you can’t pay the bills. And who gets the dog? How do you untangle all that? So, you try to “make things work,” but you never stopped to ask if things should work at all.”
He scowled and looked away. “So, what? We’re back to ‘marriage is a magic shield against divorce?'” There was more than a touch of sarcasm and pain in his voice. “I know better.”
“You’re right,” I said. “But marriage – that piece of paper – says, ‘I’m all in. I love you unconditionally. You’re safe. And always will be.”
TRUTH #2: COMPATIBILITY IS A CHOICE
People often claim that cohabitation “replicates” a marriage relationship. After all, if you live with someone, have sex with them, and spend all your time with them, you’ll learn what works and what doesn’t. But cohabitation offers an easy opt-out if things aren’t working or you’re incompatible.
Is that true? Here’s what we’ve learned:
- Sexual compatibility. Does cohabitation help couples discover sexual compatibility? The truth is that great sex isn’t a fixed point. Individuals are always changing and learning. And as any honest couple will admit, some seasons are better than others based on stress, health issues, or aging. Sexual “compatibility” really comes down to communication – being willing to talk about changes and desires. (As “unsexy” as it sounds, it’s true.)
- Lifestyle compatibility. Sure, living together reveals habits and surface-level issues, but it never truly offers the opportunity to build trust and interdependence. How can it, if at any given moment, one partner can walk away?
Social scientists have found that, instead of compatibility, cohabitation creates inertia. Couples tend to stay in a relationship longer than they should (even if there are significant red flags) because their lives get entangled. He’s not a great guy, but living alone is too expensive. She never helps with groceries or paying bills, but every now and then we have sex. Couples end up “sliding” into a relationship that exists but never satisfies.
A Call to Commitment
In contrast to culture’s idea of compability, the Bible speaks of intentionality. 1 Peter 3:7 tells husbands to “Treat your wife with understanding as you live together” (NLT). In the original Greek text, “understanding” means “knowledge.” So, in context, this verse tells husbands to “live with your wife according to knowledge.”
You gain knowledge about your wife by staying curious about her as a person. Study her life. Talk to her often. Learn who she is today and who she wants to be tomorrow.
COHABITATION LIE #3: WE’RE BUILDING A FOUNDATION
Erin knows me well. She’d bought a Celsius drink at the hotel and slipped it into her bag because she knew I’d need it after our first morning session. I didn’t even have to ask for one! She just handed it to me. I opened it and took a sip. “You’re amazing,” I said after I’d taken a sip and put it on the podium.
“Are you talking to me or the Celsius?” Erin asked. The tone of her voice and the twinkle in her eye told me she was feeling good and having fun at today’s event.
“The Celsius, obviously,” I teased.
She shook her head and looked away. I smiled. We were both enjoying the weekend.
“Hey, there’s your new friend,” she pointed at the young man. He was walking toward the stage. “What are you guys talking about?” She asked. “It seems intense. Is everything OK?”
“It is. I’ll catch you up later. For now, will you pray about the conversation?”
“Sure,” she said, heading out to the lobby to find a snack. I watched her walk away and felt grateful to have a spouse who prays for me and cheers me on.
Choosing the Right Foundation
The young man wanted to talk more. He seemed troubled.
“Looks like you’ve been thinking,” I said.
“Yeah, and I’m still not convinced that marriage is for us. Cohabitation still feels like the right answer. My parents divorced, and I don’t want to make the same mistake. So, by moving in together, we can find all the issues and then build a strong foundation for the future.”
“I hear you,” I said, “You want the best for you and your girlfriend. She’s worth it. But cohabitation doesn’t create a strong foundation. It makes cracks in your foundation that get bigger over time.”
“I don’t understand.”
I took a deep breath and whispered a prayer about what I’d say next. It wouldn’t be easy for the young man to hear. “When you live together before marriage, you make compromises.”
“Like what?” He sounded defensive.
“You told me last night that you’re a Christian and that following God’s Word is important to you.”
“Absolutely.”
“Then, honestly, do you think God wants you having sex with your girlfriend?”
He blushed – just a tiny bit. “Probably not … no.”
“You’re right. God’s desire for us is to abstain from premarital sex. He’s made that very clear in His Word. God intended for us to enjoy an amazing sex life within the marriage boundary.
Counterfeit Intimacy
Anything outside that is “counterfeit” intimacy. And it’s another compromise … another crack in the foundation. Once you compromise in one area, it’s easy to compromise in others – honesty, inappropriate friendships with the opposite-sex, and mishandling finances. The cracks in the foundation start to add up, and soon you’ll find yourself doing the very thing you’re trying to prevent. Your relationship will eventually break.”
“I get it,” he admitted, “I do feel guilty about us having sex.”
“And God forgives when you humble yourself before Him and turn from the sin. He wants you to follow His plan instead of “sliding” into something less than His best for you and your girlfriend.”
TRUTH #3: GOD’S PLAN WORKS
God created marriage and called it “good.” His plan for marriage involves one man and one woman united by a sacred promise for a lifetime. Our world may think marriage is old-fashioned, but God’s design is timeless.
We can choose to follow God’s plan or go our own way. No marriage is perfect—we’re human after all—but God’s design for marriage gives couples the best opportunity to build safe and secure relationships where true intimacy can flourish.
Cohabitation can’t offer the same connection. Social scientists and researchers have spent years comparing cohabitation with marriage. When you look at their results, cohabitation loses every time:
- Couples who cohabited before engagement are 60% more likely to divorce than those who only lived together after being engaged or married.
- Cohabiting couples report lower levels of happiness, more frequent conflict, poorer communication, and are more likely to experience infidelity and domestic violence when married compared to those who wait to live together until marriage.
- More than half – 54% – of first-time cohabiting couples break up before marriage within the first six years of moving in together.
HOW THIS STORY ENDED
Erin and I started packing up after our fourth and final conference session. She talked to our hosts and other couples for a few minutes while I gathered my notes and equipment. I’m careful when picking up all the cables and connectors. Those things are expensive to replace!
When I was sure I had collected everything, I looked up and saw the young man and his girlfriend standing near the stage. She was dabbing tears from her eyes with one hand while firmly clasping his with the other. They were both smiling.
Erin and I walked over to talk to them.
“We’ve been praying and talking,” the young man said, “and we’ve decided it’s time to go ring shopping.”
His girlfriend’s eyes sparkled through the tears. “I never thought anybody could convince him that marriage is more than a piece of paper. Thank you,” she said, then hugged Erin and me before walking away.
“What was that all about?” Erin wanted to know.
I grinned and winked. “While you were chitchatting during breaks, I was busy launching a marriage. I’m so amazing.”
“Oh, please,” Erin sighed as we walked out the door. “I hope your head still fits through the doors.”
I laughed. “OK,” I said, “Maybe I deserved that.”
PS: IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE CONSIDERING COHABITATION
Maybe you know a couple thinking about moving in together. Is God asking you to speak to them in truth and love? If so, here are tools you can use as you prayerfully consider what to say.
We’ve gathered Scriptures, statistics, and links to articles and resources to help share God’s design for marriage with couples in your community.
SCRIPTURES ABOUT MARRIAGE
- God’s Design for Marriage – Genesis 2:18-24
- How God Views Wedding Vows – Malachi 2:14
- The Permanence of Marriage – Romans 7:2-3
- Jesus Reiterates God’s Design for Marriage – Matthew 19:4-6, Mark 10:6-9
- Marriage Reflects Christ’s Love for the Church – Ephesians 5:25-32
- Marriage Requires Fidelity/Adultery Is Condemned – Exodus 20:14
- Sexual Purity is Celebrated – Proverbs 5:18-19
- Marriage Should Be Honored by All – Hebrews 13:4
SCRIPTURES TO USE WHEN TALKING ABOUT COHABITATION
- Christian Freedom and Choices – 1 Corinthians 10:23
- The Importance of Christ as Our Foundation – Matthew 7:24-26
- A Warning Against Sexual Immorality – 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8
- A Commandment to Flee Sexual Immorality – 1 Corinthians 6:18-20
- A Call to a Pure Heart – 2 Timothy 2:22
HEADLINE: OTHER HELPFUL ARTICLES
- Living Together Before Marriage: How to Have a Conversation with Someone Making the Wrong Choice.
- Why Living In Sin Is No Laughing Matter: An Honest Conversation About Living a Holy Life.
RESEARCH ABOUT COHABITATION
- What’s the Plan? Cohabitation, Engagement, and Divorce – Institute for Family Studies, 2023
- Cohabitation Doesn’t Help Your Odds of Marital Success – Institute for Family Studies, 2023
- Key Findings on Marriage and Cohabitation in the U.S. – Pew Research
FIND A CHRISTIAN COUNSELOR
- Focus on the Family offers a free phone consultation with a Christian counselor who can point you to other Christian counselors and resources in your area.
BECOME A MARRIAGE CHAMPION!
- Help couples build healthy, God-honoring marriages! We’ll show you how to help by praying for other couples and finding ways to encourage them. Visit MarriageChampions.com.
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