Thriving couples cannot exist in a vacuum. They understand that isolation is a threat to any marriage—and they embrace the idea that in good times and bad, they need other people just as other people need them. They need couple friends!
Of course, one-on-one time is vitally important. That’s what Date Nights are all about! But it’s also imperative that couples are intentional about connecting regularly with other like-minded couples. They should make a point of staying engaged with nurturing communities of all kinds—service organizations, social clubs, and common interest groups. In particular, they must endeavor to maintain an active involvement in their local church, where they have many opportunities to give and receive spiritual support.
Church fellowship is especially important because it involves both give and take. Even the healthiest of couples rely on the support of their brothers and sisters in Christ from time to time. And they also recognize that they have a responsibility to help other couples thrive. This might involve serving as mentors to a newly married couple or coming alongside a husband and wife who are facing a particular struggle in their relationship. The author of Hebrews sums it up this way: “Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Hebrews 10:24-25). This interconnectedness, this give-and-take, is what community is all about.
From the beginning (Genesis 2:24), the Bible tells us that when they marry, two people “become one flesh.” That’s true. But when we read that verse, we can lose sight of another equally important truth: Marriage is a team sport. We can’t successfully do it alone.
When you read the Bible carefully, you see that God emphasizes community. He designed people to depend on one another and lift one another up when they need it. Marriage is a great example of that: two people helping each other, in good times and bad. But God’s design goes beyond just that community of two. Along with a couple’s relationship with God, it takes a supportive community of friends and family to keep a marriage strong.
They’re right, but the benefits don’t stop there. In fact, I can think of four other benefits.
When it comes to couples doing life together, those ecclesiastical “third cords” are woven at first through fun. You enjoy shared interests together, you laugh, and you jokingly argue over who’s going to pay the dinner bill. Soon, you’re having more meaningful conversations with each other. And eventually, you’re supporting each other during difficult times that every couple experiences at some point. As it says in Proverbs 17:17, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”
Hebrews 3:13 says, “exhort one another every day.” Exhort means to give advice. You’ll have many opportunities to give and receive advice about several types of marital issues — everything from dealing with children to dividing the chores. You’d be amazed at how many issues can be sources of conflict. But as you talk with other couples about these common issues, you’ll gain new perspectives and different points of view. You’ll find that you’re not the only couple dealing with these issues. Geoffrey Greif, researcher and co-author of Two Plus Two: Couples and Their Couple Friendships, says this in USA Today: “Being close with another couple and watching how they manage their ups and downs is a role model for how you can manage your ups and downs.”
Over time, many couples get stuck in habits and routines, and that can breed boredom. Double dating with another married couple can create new and exciting experiences that are important for keeping a marriage relationship fresh. Join another couple at a restaurant or a coffee house you’ve never tried. Play a game. Go for a hike or picnic. Sign up for a cooking class or dance lessons. Whatever it is, share these exciting experiences with another couple.
According to research from Colorado University, when you hit it off with another couple, you feel greater love for your own spouse. Kathy Deal, researcher and co-author of Two Plus Two: Couples and Their Couple Friendships, found the same response in her research with Greif. She’s quoted in USA Today: “Some couples said, ‘When I see my husband or wife with other people, it really makes me appreciate them in a different way. I see how charming or thoughtful they are or what a sparkling conversationalist they are.’ ”
Even the healthiest relationships go through difficult times. And in these dark, painful seasons, Satan does everything he can to isolate you and keep you suffering alone. Why? Because he knows we’re weaker when we’re isolated. We were never meant to tackle the challenges of life and marriage alone. As we read in Ecclesiastes 4:12, “a threefold cord is not easily broken.”
How do we add cords to our most critical relationship? We connect and surround ourselves with other like-minded couples. They help strengthen our marriages. We help strengthen theirs. Those relational cords can keep our marriages strong and even help hold them together.
“It’s not unusual for couples to start withdrawing inward and becoming a society of two,” according to dating coach Harris O’Malley as quoted by Anna Goldfarb in Forge. Goldfarb adds, “Over time, you may find yourself relying on your partner to fulfill more of your social needs and vice versa. Socializing with other couples gives you both a break from that pressure.”
Regardless of the benefits, a lot of husbands and wives might have a hard time finding new couple friendships. It’s not as easy as it might seem on TV, but I have a few ideas.
This is exactly what my wife, Erin, did recently. Erin expressed her desire to find new friends. We made a list of couples and then we took the initiative. You can do the same thing.
Notice couples who are already in your sphere, be it at work, at school or in your neighborhood. Look for new relationships, too. C.S. Lewis wrote, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’” What are couples doing in your area? Every community has ongoing group activities where you can meet couples with similar interests. Places like health clubs, volunteer organizations or even dog parks can be a gold mine for potential couple friends.
The best way to build and maintain a strong support system is to look for three different types of relationships—an older couple who can offer you godly advice, a couple in the same season of life as you and your spouse, and a younger couple you can encourage.
A popular saying goes, “Every love story is beautiful, but ours is my favorite.” Sharing your story—the good, the bad and even the ugly—helps you deeply connect with another couple, especially when you share about God’s role in your marriage story. And it helps you remember the bigger purpose of your marriage—that it’s part of God’s storyline. So when you’re out with another couple, ask to hear their love story and tell yours.
It doesn’t matter if your story isn’t ready for Hollywood romcom treatment. What matters is how you tell it—hitting the high points, the low points and the turning points. Your story can help other couples with their own stories and vice versa.
And, of course, happy couples give credit to God as the author and sustainer of their love story. I like Eugene Peterson’s impression of Romans 12:1 in The Message: “Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.”
Ultimately, developing friendships with other couples means sharing your stories. You speak into another man and woman’s story. They speak into yours. Our stories weave the threefold cords, strand by strand. And once they’re twined together, they’re not easily broken.
Make it a double! Or a triple! This date’s focus on community affords you the perfect opportunity to phone up another couple—or couples—and enjoy a group date. Once you’ve got a group together, however, the regular Date Night principles apply:
Remember, always act like you’re trying to get a second date! Sometimes, in marriage, we forget that we need to pursue and “woo” our spouse. So dress up a bit. Be polite and open doors. Compliment one another. Be affectionate – hold hands, cuddle and steal kisses. Remember to protect your date night from conflict by cutting off any arguments and agreeing to talk about the issue at a later time. (In the context of a group date, this also means avoiding the temptation to talk about your childrearing or career woes with other couples. There’s certainly a time and place for that, but the focus of Date Night should always be fun.)
Instead of visiting the same familiar locations and eating the same old food, pick somewhere new or try a different type of cuisine.
Talk with the other couple(s) to determine a fun group activity for Date Night. Here are some possibilities:
After you bid a fond farewell to the other couple(s), find a quiet place for dessert or coffee to relax and emotionally connect through good conversation. Answer the following questions. Be sure to keep your responses positive, uplifting, and encouraging.
Spend time planning your next date with your couple friends. Think about additional ways you can share your lives with others—and let them share their lives with you. Then, it’s up to you what happens next. Have a great final adventure!
The post Couple Friends: Double Dating to Strengthen Your Marriage appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
Of course, one-on-one time is vitally important. That’s what Date Nights are all about! But it’s also imperative that couples are intentional about connecting regularly with other like-minded couples. They should make a point of staying engaged with nurturing communities of all kinds—service organizations, social clubs, and common interest groups. In particular, they must endeavor to maintain an active involvement in their local church, where they have many opportunities to give and receive spiritual support.
Church fellowship is especially important because it involves both give and take. Even the healthiest of couples rely on the support of their brothers and sisters in Christ from time to time. And they also recognize that they have a responsibility to help other couples thrive. This might involve serving as mentors to a newly married couple or coming alongside a husband and wife who are facing a particular struggle in their relationship. The author of Hebrews sums it up this way: “Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near” (Hebrews 10:24-25). This interconnectedness, this give-and-take, is what community is all about.
Marriage is a Team Sport
From the beginning (Genesis 2:24), the Bible tells us that when they marry, two people “become one flesh.” That’s true. But when we read that verse, we can lose sight of another equally important truth: Marriage is a team sport. We can’t successfully do it alone.
When you read the Bible carefully, you see that God emphasizes community. He designed people to depend on one another and lift one another up when they need it. Marriage is a great example of that: two people helping each other, in good times and bad. But God’s design goes beyond just that community of two. Along with a couple’s relationship with God, it takes a supportive community of friends and family to keep a marriage strong.
Benefits of Double Dating With Couple Friends
They’re right, but the benefits don’t stop there. In fact, I can think of four other benefits.
1. Stronger Attachments
When it comes to couples doing life together, those ecclesiastical “third cords” are woven at first through fun. You enjoy shared interests together, you laugh, and you jokingly argue over who’s going to pay the dinner bill. Soon, you’re having more meaningful conversations with each other. And eventually, you’re supporting each other during difficult times that every couple experiences at some point. As it says in Proverbs 17:17, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”
2. Giving and Receiving Support
Hebrews 3:13 says, “exhort one another every day.” Exhort means to give advice. You’ll have many opportunities to give and receive advice about several types of marital issues — everything from dealing with children to dividing the chores. You’d be amazed at how many issues can be sources of conflict. But as you talk with other couples about these common issues, you’ll gain new perspectives and different points of view. You’ll find that you’re not the only couple dealing with these issues. Geoffrey Greif, researcher and co-author of Two Plus Two: Couples and Their Couple Friendships, says this in USA Today: “Being close with another couple and watching how they manage their ups and downs is a role model for how you can manage your ups and downs.”
3. Fighting Boredom
Over time, many couples get stuck in habits and routines, and that can breed boredom. Double dating with another married couple can create new and exciting experiences that are important for keeping a marriage relationship fresh. Join another couple at a restaurant or a coffee house you’ve never tried. Play a game. Go for a hike or picnic. Sign up for a cooking class or dance lessons. Whatever it is, share these exciting experiences with another couple.
4. Increasing Positive Feelings for Your Spouse
According to research from Colorado University, when you hit it off with another couple, you feel greater love for your own spouse. Kathy Deal, researcher and co-author of Two Plus Two: Couples and Their Couple Friendships, found the same response in her research with Greif. She’s quoted in USA Today: “Some couples said, ‘When I see my husband or wife with other people, it really makes me appreciate them in a different way. I see how charming or thoughtful they are or what a sparkling conversationalist they are.’ ”
5. Reminding You That You’re Not Alone
Even the healthiest relationships go through difficult times. And in these dark, painful seasons, Satan does everything he can to isolate you and keep you suffering alone. Why? Because he knows we’re weaker when we’re isolated. We were never meant to tackle the challenges of life and marriage alone. As we read in Ecclesiastes 4:12, “a threefold cord is not easily broken.”
How do we add cords to our most critical relationship? We connect and surround ourselves with other like-minded couples. They help strengthen our marriages. We help strengthen theirs. Those relational cords can keep our marriages strong and even help hold them together.
“It’s not unusual for couples to start withdrawing inward and becoming a society of two,” according to dating coach Harris O’Malley as quoted by Anna Goldfarb in Forge. Goldfarb adds, “Over time, you may find yourself relying on your partner to fulfill more of your social needs and vice versa. Socializing with other couples gives you both a break from that pressure.”
How to Find Couple Friends
Regardless of the benefits, a lot of husbands and wives might have a hard time finding new couple friendships. It’s not as easy as it might seem on TV, but I have a few ideas.
Talk With Your Spouse
This is exactly what my wife, Erin, did recently. Erin expressed her desire to find new friends. We made a list of couples and then we took the initiative. You can do the same thing.
Notice couples who are already in your sphere, be it at work, at school or in your neighborhood. Look for new relationships, too. C.S. Lewis wrote, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’” What are couples doing in your area? Every community has ongoing group activities where you can meet couples with similar interests. Places like health clubs, volunteer organizations or even dog parks can be a gold mine for potential couple friends.
Look for Different Types of Couple Friends
The best way to build and maintain a strong support system is to look for three different types of relationships—an older couple who can offer you godly advice, a couple in the same season of life as you and your spouse, and a younger couple you can encourage.
Be Transparent
A popular saying goes, “Every love story is beautiful, but ours is my favorite.” Sharing your story—the good, the bad and even the ugly—helps you deeply connect with another couple, especially when you share about God’s role in your marriage story. And it helps you remember the bigger purpose of your marriage—that it’s part of God’s storyline. So when you’re out with another couple, ask to hear their love story and tell yours.
It doesn’t matter if your story isn’t ready for Hollywood romcom treatment. What matters is how you tell it—hitting the high points, the low points and the turning points. Your story can help other couples with their own stories and vice versa.
And, of course, happy couples give credit to God as the author and sustainer of their love story. I like Eugene Peterson’s impression of Romans 12:1 in The Message: “Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.”
Ultimately, developing friendships with other couples means sharing your stories. You speak into another man and woman’s story. They speak into yours. Our stories weave the threefold cords, strand by strand. And once they’re twined together, they’re not easily broken.
Date Night Ideas To Share With Your Couple Friends
Make it a double! Or a triple! This date’s focus on community affords you the perfect opportunity to phone up another couple—or couples—and enjoy a group date. Once you’ve got a group together, however, the regular Date Night principles apply:
Remember, always act like you’re trying to get a second date! Sometimes, in marriage, we forget that we need to pursue and “woo” our spouse. So dress up a bit. Be polite and open doors. Compliment one another. Be affectionate – hold hands, cuddle and steal kisses. Remember to protect your date night from conflict by cutting off any arguments and agreeing to talk about the issue at a later time. (In the context of a group date, this also means avoiding the temptation to talk about your childrearing or career woes with other couples. There’s certainly a time and place for that, but the focus of Date Night should always be fun.)
Step 1: Go Someplace Different For Dinner.
Instead of visiting the same familiar locations and eating the same old food, pick somewhere new or try a different type of cuisine.
Step 2: Put Your Heads Together.
Talk with the other couple(s) to determine a fun group activity for Date Night. Here are some possibilities:
- Go bowling or play miniature golf or laser tag. Consider dividing into teams, either guys against girls, couple against couple, or every man for himself!
- Enjoy an old-fashioned game night. Play Monopoly, Risk, or another fun board game. Or break out the console system and compete in Mario Kart or Guitar Hero!
- Engage in a community service project. Volunteer at a local soup kitchen or homeless shelter. Yes, this type of activity can, in fact, be fun.
- Raise money for charity. One idea could be put in motion when Christmas approaches., Inquire with local retailers about the possibility of setting up a gift-wrapping table. Ask for donations in return for your gift-wrapping skills, and give the proceeds to charity.
Step 3: Relax and Unwind. Ready For a Few Questions?
After you bid a fond farewell to the other couple(s), find a quiet place for dessert or coffee to relax and emotionally connect through good conversation. Answer the following questions. Be sure to keep your responses positive, uplifting, and encouraging.
- What was your favorite part of the evening?
- What is the one thing you learned tonight that you didn’t know about me before?
- How can we be more community-minded and invest in the lives of other couples in the days and weeks ahead?
Step 4: Home Sweet Home
Spend time planning your next date with your couple friends. Think about additional ways you can share your lives with others—and let them share their lives with you. Then, it’s up to you what happens next. Have a great final adventure!
The post Couple Friends: Double Dating to Strengthen Your Marriage appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...