Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
When I was a toddler, I flushed a number of my mom’s Tupperware lids down the toilet. (…I’m told. I have no memory of this, so can it really be true?) Because we lived on a farm, this required my dad digging up the entire septic system. (Roll tape.)
Oops. At least we can laugh about it now, right, Dad?
Around the same time period—also an incident of which I have zero recollection!—my mom tells the story of me sitting in a corner in time out. I began singing.
“I’m going to pee my pants and my mom’s going to be so mad!”
I am told that shortly, I made good on this commitment.
Musical film debut aside—what would disciplining kids look like for each of these as a parent?
Decades later, looking at my behavior, one of those behaviors emerged from childishness: “Wow, look at those lids spiral down that hole with that interesting noise! Wonder where they go?”
The other was, well, downright rebellious. One requires guidance (about the kinds of things that belong in a toilet). The other requires appropriate consequences.
As a parent now myself, my children have generously provided many behaviors in both categories.
There was that time when my middle son used a Crayola marker to color his big toe green and make toe-prints on Grandma’s carpet. Or when I received that call from the elementary school about my youngest son jumping off the urinals in order to touch the air freshener “because it looked fun!” As all urinals must. And I vividly recall that same child poking his grandmother’s arm-dangle in wide-eyed fascination.
But my husband and I have also witnessed blatant back talk, lies, or one sibling verbally roasting the other. (Surely by now you’ve decided we’re wonderful parents.)
Yet the purpose of disciplining kids is to shape our children into followers of Jesus—to lead them to become disciples! Not just to ensure the consequence matches the crime.
We see this varied, thoughtful approach in Paul’s words to the Thessalonians: “We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone” (1 Thessalonians 5:14).
My interpretation: Every person you meet, every disciple you’re making, is in a different stage of life, a varied journey, a personal response to God. Loving well means responding thoughtfully and uniquely to each.
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That means we don’t apply McPunishments to our kids, stamping out matching discipline and declaring it justice.
For that teenager spiraling into depression and anxiety, nagging them about their sagging pants could be another way to alienate them—and lose the compassionate, desperately-needed relational bridge between parent and child. (Consider Jesus refraining from condemning the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11]). But for another child, side-eyeing you for what they could get away with, this might be just the battle God would have you pick.
And so often, our kids have no idea the can of worms they’ve opened—or no capacity to pay what their mistakes cost (see also: my teenager backing one of our cars into the other).
Just as two-year-old me had no idea the sweat, time, and cash required in digging up a septic system, Adam and Eve had no concept of how a single bite of fruit would alter the course of the planet (though Eve’s decision was straight-up disobedient, not just curious). They could never comprehend that split-second decision would require the bloody execution of God’s own Son. But even in that moment, God killed the first animals to cover their nakedness.
Even when God rightfully consigned his kids, the Israelites, to the desert for forty years, He lathered them in mercy: Their clothes and shoes didn’t wear out (Deuteronomy 29:5). He provided daily food in the form of manna (Deuteronomy 8:16).
Throughout the Bible, God’s discipline arrives holding mercy’s hand.
If your exhausted, hungry four-year-old lies down in the middle of the Target housewares aisle for a three-alarm tantrum (like anyone’s kid would do that), discipline is needed. You might gently, firmly lift him from the seat of the cart, whisper in his ear this is not okay, and take him out to the car for both of you to cool down.
But he’s acting like a four-year-old, no? And we discipline differently for childish or vulnerable behavior than for outright rebellion.
A person of understanding (to swipe a term from Proverbs) understands it may be highly appropriate for you to take away screen time for the 10-year-old failing to clean his room. But for the 10-year-old with Down’s Syndrome who licks the top of the parmesan cheese shaker at Pizza Hut? Explaining that’s not good manners and removing the cheese jar demonstrate thoughtful, effective parenting.
Because as parents, we aren’t to exasperate our children (Colossians 3:21)—including by failing to remember what it’s like to be kids, exploring the world. Learning to deal with very human bodies and respond to their needs. Investigating what’s okay and what isn’t.
God leads His own kids to repentance through kindness (Romans 2:4); He pulls them to Himself with never-ending love (Jeremiah 31:3). He physically and emotionally came into their world, showing He knew what their burden was like (John 1:14).
That’s His brand of parenting.
When Moses asks God to see his glory, God describes himself like this. Watch how He names Himself first:
The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished… (Exodus 34:6-7)
I’ve gotta ask myself. When my kids inevitably screw up—does this describe me as a parent?
I once read parenting advice to keep a list of actions and their consequences on the inside of a cupboard door.
What I like: This approach to disciplining kids distances us from parenting reactively, emotionally. It prevents tossing out explosive consequences like grenades—and poorly modeling self-control. It ideally creates unity and consistency between you and your spouse: This is what we do when our child swipes something from a sibling or has a mouth like a sailor.
What I’m wary of: This approach can view kids’ actions as static, setting aside the fact that we kept them out shopping too long, or they were harassed by the popular kid at school today, or they slept horribly the night before.
Obviously, the smorgasbord of ways our kids mess up will be frequently boast a healthy mix of rebellion and naivete. There can always be some excuse of why a child disobeyed (aside from, y’know, sinful nature).
But if we take into consideration an entire situation and choose to tweak the consequence, we usually aren’t excusing actions or failing to discipline. We’re parenting with understanding and wisdom of the whole picture of a child’s journey.
And when we do that, we look a bit more like our Dad.
Pass the Tupperware, would you?
The post Disciplining Your Kids? Think Bigger appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
When I was a toddler, I flushed a number of my mom’s Tupperware lids down the toilet. (…I’m told. I have no memory of this, so can it really be true?) Because we lived on a farm, this required my dad digging up the entire septic system. (Roll tape.)
Oops. At least we can laugh about it now, right, Dad?
Around the same time period—also an incident of which I have zero recollection!—my mom tells the story of me sitting in a corner in time out. I began singing.
“I’m going to pee my pants and my mom’s going to be so mad!”
I am told that shortly, I made good on this commitment.
Musical film debut aside—what would disciplining kids look like for each of these as a parent?
Crime and Punishment
Decades later, looking at my behavior, one of those behaviors emerged from childishness: “Wow, look at those lids spiral down that hole with that interesting noise! Wonder where they go?”
The other was, well, downright rebellious. One requires guidance (about the kinds of things that belong in a toilet). The other requires appropriate consequences.
As a parent now myself, my children have generously provided many behaviors in both categories.
There was that time when my middle son used a Crayola marker to color his big toe green and make toe-prints on Grandma’s carpet. Or when I received that call from the elementary school about my youngest son jumping off the urinals in order to touch the air freshener “because it looked fun!” As all urinals must. And I vividly recall that same child poking his grandmother’s arm-dangle in wide-eyed fascination.
But my husband and I have also witnessed blatant back talk, lies, or one sibling verbally roasting the other. (Surely by now you’ve decided we’re wonderful parents.)
Yet the purpose of disciplining kids is to shape our children into followers of Jesus—to lead them to become disciples! Not just to ensure the consequence matches the crime.
We see this varied, thoughtful approach in Paul’s words to the Thessalonians: “We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone” (1 Thessalonians 5:14).
My interpretation: Every person you meet, every disciple you’re making, is in a different stage of life, a varied journey, a personal response to God. Loving well means responding thoughtfully and uniquely to each.
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Even in Discipline, Mercy
That means we don’t apply McPunishments to our kids, stamping out matching discipline and declaring it justice.
For that teenager spiraling into depression and anxiety, nagging them about their sagging pants could be another way to alienate them—and lose the compassionate, desperately-needed relational bridge between parent and child. (Consider Jesus refraining from condemning the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11]). But for another child, side-eyeing you for what they could get away with, this might be just the battle God would have you pick.
And so often, our kids have no idea the can of worms they’ve opened—or no capacity to pay what their mistakes cost (see also: my teenager backing one of our cars into the other).
Just as two-year-old me had no idea the sweat, time, and cash required in digging up a septic system, Adam and Eve had no concept of how a single bite of fruit would alter the course of the planet (though Eve’s decision was straight-up disobedient, not just curious). They could never comprehend that split-second decision would require the bloody execution of God’s own Son. But even in that moment, God killed the first animals to cover their nakedness.
Even when God rightfully consigned his kids, the Israelites, to the desert for forty years, He lathered them in mercy: Their clothes and shoes didn’t wear out (Deuteronomy 29:5). He provided daily food in the form of manna (Deuteronomy 8:16).
Throughout the Bible, God’s discipline arrives holding mercy’s hand.
Disciplining Kids: Is This Rebellion?
If your exhausted, hungry four-year-old lies down in the middle of the Target housewares aisle for a three-alarm tantrum (like anyone’s kid would do that), discipline is needed. You might gently, firmly lift him from the seat of the cart, whisper in his ear this is not okay, and take him out to the car for both of you to cool down.
But he’s acting like a four-year-old, no? And we discipline differently for childish or vulnerable behavior than for outright rebellion.
A person of understanding (to swipe a term from Proverbs) understands it may be highly appropriate for you to take away screen time for the 10-year-old failing to clean his room. But for the 10-year-old with Down’s Syndrome who licks the top of the parmesan cheese shaker at Pizza Hut? Explaining that’s not good manners and removing the cheese jar demonstrate thoughtful, effective parenting.
Because as parents, we aren’t to exasperate our children (Colossians 3:21)—including by failing to remember what it’s like to be kids, exploring the world. Learning to deal with very human bodies and respond to their needs. Investigating what’s okay and what isn’t.
God leads His own kids to repentance through kindness (Romans 2:4); He pulls them to Himself with never-ending love (Jeremiah 31:3). He physically and emotionally came into their world, showing He knew what their burden was like (John 1:14).
That’s His brand of parenting.
When Moses asks God to see his glory, God describes himself like this. Watch how He names Himself first:
The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished… (Exodus 34:6-7)
I’ve gotta ask myself. When my kids inevitably screw up—does this describe me as a parent?
When it Comes to Disciplining Kids, Think Bigger
I once read parenting advice to keep a list of actions and their consequences on the inside of a cupboard door.
What I like: This approach to disciplining kids distances us from parenting reactively, emotionally. It prevents tossing out explosive consequences like grenades—and poorly modeling self-control. It ideally creates unity and consistency between you and your spouse: This is what we do when our child swipes something from a sibling or has a mouth like a sailor.
What I’m wary of: This approach can view kids’ actions as static, setting aside the fact that we kept them out shopping too long, or they were harassed by the popular kid at school today, or they slept horribly the night before.
Obviously, the smorgasbord of ways our kids mess up will be frequently boast a healthy mix of rebellion and naivete. There can always be some excuse of why a child disobeyed (aside from, y’know, sinful nature).
But if we take into consideration an entire situation and choose to tweak the consequence, we usually aren’t excusing actions or failing to discipline. We’re parenting with understanding and wisdom of the whole picture of a child’s journey.
And when we do that, we look a bit more like our Dad.
Pass the Tupperware, would you?
The post Disciplining Your Kids? Think Bigger appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...