Gendou,
I have been praying for you for sometime now, because I have notice some changes in you since you first came here. I pray that you find the Truth. Being human is hard. I think the Psalms are a good place to see that it is hard, but that God is our hope...our purpose.
I don't want to tell you what to think, or believe, or that even if you find the Truth of God that all of your sufferings, and problems, will go away...they won't. But, I know, from my own life that He is able to help us endure, and keep us from feeling empty, and purpose-less. This will go away.
Gendou, have you ever heard this little Sunday School truth?
J = Jesus First
O= Others second
Y = Yourself last
I know very simple, and not scholarly at all, but it is so profoundly true. Even if you do not completely have all the answers to your questions, keep your faith if you have even a little...and cling. If not, ask for it, and you will receive it. Maybe your soul, and mind, are cluttered with questions, and theories, but lacking the joy, and peace, of being focused on Him, and serving Him.
I pray that God will help you in this, and draw you to Him, and allow you the joy, and peace, of knowing that you are His, and serve His purpose...which is ultimate fulfillment. The Lord bless you.