Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
When I was a teenager, my friends and I were beyond excited to get our driver’s licenses. Not only would those small pieces of plastic give us the legal right to drive, but they would also give us a license to freedom. Even more so, it was our ID for adulthood, proof that we’d (mostly) graduated from early adolescence.
Today’s teenagers often put off getting driver’s licenses. They do this because they’re too busy with school and extracurricular activities, or because they know getting a license means they’ll eventually become chauffeurs for younger siblings. Some parents seem relieved by this. (It’s one less thing to worry about.) As an adolescent psychologist, however, it worries me. It’s a sign that an increasing number of adolescents aren’t pushing for autonomy. This also can be seen through another rite of passage, high school graduation. Thousands of graduated seniors walk off the podium and directly into their parents’ basements, where they remain for the next year, or three, or 10. Are they adults? They may have become adults in the eyes of society, but they lack the inner motivation to leave home, get a job, and well, . . . grow up.
Without a cultural road map to mark a path to adulthood, adolescents are more like vagabonds than rebels. Their souls may have moved out of their parents’ camp, but they don’t seem too interested in setting up camp for themselves.
What’s needed is a radical approach to parenting adolescents, one that provides a meaningful answer to the question “When will my parents say I’m fully an adult?” I call this approach Planned Emancipation.
Planned Emancipation clarifies the endpoint of parenting and outlines an orderly transition from parents’ authority to teens assuming authority for themselves. This transition is not a technique. It’s a reality of life that happens whether parents or their children recognize it. The only thing parents can control is how the transition is made.
Take a minute to answer this question: When will you consider your adolescent to be an adult? That is, when will you say he or she deserves all the rights and privileges of an adult just like you?
Your adolescent needs an answer to this question. When I ask this in parenting seminars, I invariably receive three general responses:
• The know-it-when-I-see-it response: “When he starts acting like an adult, I’ll treat him like an adult.”
• The under-my-roof response: “As long as she lives under my roof, she’s not an adult.”
• The age response: “When my teenager is 18 [or 21], I’ll know he’s an adult.”
For most parents, the answer to when your kids should be considered completely adults is at the end of high school. Even if they turn 18 before they graduate, our culture usually signals a significant change after the completion of high school. Your teenagers need to be ready for this change.
Parents must demonstrate a commitment to an orderly transfer of authority. This is the only way to allow adolescents the necessary time to clarify priorities and prepare to deal with any weaknesses they see within themselves.
This kind of parenting means sometimes giving bad news, such as having to say, “Sorry, you still have to do this my way now, but soon it will be your decision. Have you thought about how you’ll handle this then?” However, parenting an adolescent should also include providing clear good news: “That’s up to you now. You know what I think, but now you should do what you think is right.”
Did you get that? I am not talking about letting your teenagers do whatever they want. Parents who focus too much on controlling their kids often set up this sort of false dichotomy.
Effectively parenting adolescents means setting a middle course between holding on until your teenager wrestles control from your hands, and handing over your car, house and credit cards to let him go wild.
Teenagers’ increasing freedoms should not be allowed to be a burden on their parents or the rest of the family. For example, letting them choose what music they listen to doesn’t mean you have to listen to that same music in the car. After all, it’s your car. Freedom to get themselves ready in the morning must come with a contingency plan for getting to school after Mom’s taxi has already left. An adolescent old enough to decide her own style of dress must be left to suffer the consequences of defying her school’s rules about clothing.
Interestingly, most teenagers accept limits when safeguarding other family members from being inconvenienced much better than they accept limits established for their own good. Teenagers who don’t understand this distinction might angrily demand that their parents cover for their misjudgments. They may be perfectly happy inconveniencing the rest of the family. In such cases, teens are displaying serious entitlement problems. These adolescents need to be rescued even less, not more.
Releasing your authority requires a perspective shift. You move from seeing your teenager as being accountable to you to seeing him be accountable to other forces in his life. Letting go means allowing whatever natural consequences may come if he handles things poorly.
When parents doggedly stand in the gap, shielding their adolescents from any real consequences long after childhood is over, their teenagers develop a sort of unrealistic distance from experiencing their own lives. I’ve seen adolescents who are at risk of failing in school sit in my office next to crying, upset parents. The parents desperately ask me, “What are we going to do?” while their teenager sits, gazing around the room in mild boredom. The odd thing is that the only person in the room who’s at risk seems to think, School? Oh yeah, I have people who take care of that for me.
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Now that your teen’s childhood is over, it’s your job to relinquish the constant responsibility of protecting and teaching your adolescent. You can find creative ways to do this, but it’s time to allow your teenager to feel the consequences of his or her actions. For younger adolescents, give them independence in areas of life where the natural consequences are not huge. Keep in mind you have only about five years to give over complete autonomy.
Eventually, you will be giving over autonomy in areas that have serious, natural consequences for your older adolescents. The reality is that this is happening anyway. Some parents console themselves by giving long-winded speeches on the dangers of speeding and other typical teenage temptations. But in the end, an adolescent who drives away from home is already shouldering the responsibility that comes with how he or she chooses to drive.
When choosing areas to relinquish, ask yourself, Can I give this over to my teenager without the likelihood of devastating consequences? If the answer is yes, give it to her. The goal is to let go, not to fearfully hold on to all the control you have.
For example, unless you’re willing to hire a private detective, you can’t tell your teenager, “I don’t want you talking to that boy at school.” That’s not something you have control over. If you can’t control something, respond in a way that acknowledges that reality: “Of course, at your age, it’s up to you whether you talk to him at school.” They know you can’t stop them, but they like knowing that you know you can’t stop them.
I need to clarify one important point: Giving freedom in an area of your teenager’s life does not mean you will no longer influence that area. The effect is just the opposite. Giving over freedom allows for greater communication between parents and adolescents.
When parents define their influence over their children strictly in terms of their ability to control them, handing over freedom may seem like giving up any chance of influencing their teens. What these parents miss is the significant influence they can have through open communication and advice-giving.
As adolescents get older, they spend more time on their own. Parents’ control naturally diminishes. As we’ve seen, often a freedom that is granted through Planned Emancipation is a freedom the teenager already has. Being proactive in acknowledging freedom is the only way to maintain any kind of influence.
The post Guiding Teens Through Freedoms and Consequences appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
When I was a teenager, my friends and I were beyond excited to get our driver’s licenses. Not only would those small pieces of plastic give us the legal right to drive, but they would also give us a license to freedom. Even more so, it was our ID for adulthood, proof that we’d (mostly) graduated from early adolescence.
Today’s teenagers often put off getting driver’s licenses. They do this because they’re too busy with school and extracurricular activities, or because they know getting a license means they’ll eventually become chauffeurs for younger siblings. Some parents seem relieved by this. (It’s one less thing to worry about.) As an adolescent psychologist, however, it worries me. It’s a sign that an increasing number of adolescents aren’t pushing for autonomy. This also can be seen through another rite of passage, high school graduation. Thousands of graduated seniors walk off the podium and directly into their parents’ basements, where they remain for the next year, or three, or 10. Are they adults? They may have become adults in the eyes of society, but they lack the inner motivation to leave home, get a job, and well, . . . grow up.
Without a cultural road map to mark a path to adulthood, adolescents are more like vagabonds than rebels. Their souls may have moved out of their parents’ camp, but they don’t seem too interested in setting up camp for themselves.
What’s needed is a radical approach to parenting adolescents, one that provides a meaningful answer to the question “When will my parents say I’m fully an adult?” I call this approach Planned Emancipation.
Becoming adults
Planned Emancipation clarifies the endpoint of parenting and outlines an orderly transition from parents’ authority to teens assuming authority for themselves. This transition is not a technique. It’s a reality of life that happens whether parents or their children recognize it. The only thing parents can control is how the transition is made.
Take a minute to answer this question: When will you consider your adolescent to be an adult? That is, when will you say he or she deserves all the rights and privileges of an adult just like you?
Your adolescent needs an answer to this question. When I ask this in parenting seminars, I invariably receive three general responses:
• The know-it-when-I-see-it response: “When he starts acting like an adult, I’ll treat him like an adult.”
• The under-my-roof response: “As long as she lives under my roof, she’s not an adult.”
• The age response: “When my teenager is 18 [or 21], I’ll know he’s an adult.”
For most parents, the answer to when your kids should be considered completely adults is at the end of high school. Even if they turn 18 before they graduate, our culture usually signals a significant change after the completion of high school. Your teenagers need to be ready for this change.
Parents must demonstrate a commitment to an orderly transfer of authority. This is the only way to allow adolescents the necessary time to clarify priorities and prepare to deal with any weaknesses they see within themselves.
This kind of parenting means sometimes giving bad news, such as having to say, “Sorry, you still have to do this my way now, but soon it will be your decision. Have you thought about how you’ll handle this then?” However, parenting an adolescent should also include providing clear good news: “That’s up to you now. You know what I think, but now you should do what you think is right.”
Did you get that? I am not talking about letting your teenagers do whatever they want. Parents who focus too much on controlling their kids often set up this sort of false dichotomy.
Effectively parenting adolescents means setting a middle course between holding on until your teenager wrestles control from your hands, and handing over your car, house and credit cards to let him go wild.
Releasing authority
Teenagers’ increasing freedoms should not be allowed to be a burden on their parents or the rest of the family. For example, letting them choose what music they listen to doesn’t mean you have to listen to that same music in the car. After all, it’s your car. Freedom to get themselves ready in the morning must come with a contingency plan for getting to school after Mom’s taxi has already left. An adolescent old enough to decide her own style of dress must be left to suffer the consequences of defying her school’s rules about clothing.
Interestingly, most teenagers accept limits when safeguarding other family members from being inconvenienced much better than they accept limits established for their own good. Teenagers who don’t understand this distinction might angrily demand that their parents cover for their misjudgments. They may be perfectly happy inconveniencing the rest of the family. In such cases, teens are displaying serious entitlement problems. These adolescents need to be rescued even less, not more.
Releasing your authority requires a perspective shift. You move from seeing your teenager as being accountable to you to seeing him be accountable to other forces in his life. Letting go means allowing whatever natural consequences may come if he handles things poorly.
When parents doggedly stand in the gap, shielding their adolescents from any real consequences long after childhood is over, their teenagers develop a sort of unrealistic distance from experiencing their own lives. I’ve seen adolescents who are at risk of failing in school sit in my office next to crying, upset parents. The parents desperately ask me, “What are we going to do?” while their teenager sits, gazing around the room in mild boredom. The odd thing is that the only person in the room who’s at risk seems to think, School? Oh yeah, I have people who take care of that for me.
Help Them Soar Into Their Teen Years!
You want to guide your preteen well, but knowing how can be daunting, especially in a culture that goes against God’s design. In this video series, you’ll hear from parents just like you as they share how they used Focus on the Family’s "Launch Into the Teen Years" video-based lessons with their preteens to build a strong and biblical foundation for adolescence.Learn More
Seeking autonomy
Now that your teen’s childhood is over, it’s your job to relinquish the constant responsibility of protecting and teaching your adolescent. You can find creative ways to do this, but it’s time to allow your teenager to feel the consequences of his or her actions. For younger adolescents, give them independence in areas of life where the natural consequences are not huge. Keep in mind you have only about five years to give over complete autonomy.
Eventually, you will be giving over autonomy in areas that have serious, natural consequences for your older adolescents. The reality is that this is happening anyway. Some parents console themselves by giving long-winded speeches on the dangers of speeding and other typical teenage temptations. But in the end, an adolescent who drives away from home is already shouldering the responsibility that comes with how he or she chooses to drive.
When choosing areas to relinquish, ask yourself, Can I give this over to my teenager without the likelihood of devastating consequences? If the answer is yes, give it to her. The goal is to let go, not to fearfully hold on to all the control you have.
For example, unless you’re willing to hire a private detective, you can’t tell your teenager, “I don’t want you talking to that boy at school.” That’s not something you have control over. If you can’t control something, respond in a way that acknowledges that reality: “Of course, at your age, it’s up to you whether you talk to him at school.” They know you can’t stop them, but they like knowing that you know you can’t stop them.
Using your influence
I need to clarify one important point: Giving freedom in an area of your teenager’s life does not mean you will no longer influence that area. The effect is just the opposite. Giving over freedom allows for greater communication between parents and adolescents.
When parents define their influence over their children strictly in terms of their ability to control them, handing over freedom may seem like giving up any chance of influencing their teens. What these parents miss is the significant influence they can have through open communication and advice-giving.
As adolescents get older, they spend more time on their own. Parents’ control naturally diminishes. As we’ve seen, often a freedom that is granted through Planned Emancipation is a freedom the teenager already has. Being proactive in acknowledging freedom is the only way to maintain any kind of influence.
The post Guiding Teens Through Freedoms and Consequences appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...