help me please

[Tpriebe]

Its really complicated
before each child was born (have 2) ive asked my wife to step down from her positions in the church to focus on the family more. she ison board of trustees, leadership, pastoral search (when we were looking), and helps with media and sings/plays guitar/piano sometimes. until the 2nd child it was mostly just media and board of trustees. she took on leadership and pastoral after 2nd child was born....ive never told her outright i dont support her, fully, i do by watching the kids so she can go to meetings, and she does do a good job at these jobs.
backing up a little bit, we had struggles in marriage because of my lustful eyes and bad habits, which are extremely better now. so in the earlier years im sure she saw me as not the spiritual leader of the family, and thus i didnt really have a say in what she did, as i did nothing, and had hurt her. in any case i wasnt asking her to step down from these positions for myself personally, but for the growing family as a whole, and as we werent quite whole yet either.
also, her mom was also highly involved in the church growing up, so my wife saw that her whole life. and talking to her mom about it, she regrets doing so much, as that is now what my wife sees as most important. sometimes it feels like its Church, God, Family for her priorities.
the biggest piece in this for me, is since actually reading the bible more and understanding it and living it better....there are some issues i have with her past that make it even harder for me to support her.

pre-conversion yes anyone can be forgiven and can serve in ministry (maybe no pastoral or high leadership).
but both my wife and i, before we met each other, lived immorally, and were immoral together before marriage. i recently did a good part of my testimony to the church, realizing i dont even think i was a christian up until recently. the way i was living, thinking, acting.
the BIG problem i have is that my wife has been active in the church almost her whole life. especially from 22- till when we met. the issue i have with her being in the higher leadership positions shes in, is that she lived a drastically hypocritical lifestyle in the above time frame. living sinfully, practicing sin, but then doing some ministries and helping the church, and even singing on sunday mornings, friends with pastor, mother and father highly active in church as well.
i feel her life now is a lie to the people she grew up with. the bible talks a lot about consequences, and sowing and reaping. i actually believe i am a consequence of her sin, she sowed immorality, and refused to repent and ask for help, etc, so she received immorality from me, the same kind she did to God. theres also the qualifications paul lists, above reproach, etc.

theres not too much out there for post-conversion sinning and positions in the church... there is talk about still living a sinful life means you dont actually know Jesus, and consequences, and reaping and sowing, judgement.

very soon im going to have a conversation with her about her stepping down, and how i dont support her fully. i dont know how to bring it up, how to talk about it, and if i should even do it, or just let it go as it was before i was with her.
i love my wife, and would do anything for her and my family. i dont know what to do, and only her sister knows of her past, so I cant even ask anyone else about help or what to do without giving out her information in the church or family. I want our family to be God-honouring, God fearing, living out and being a light to others, sharing our experiences and helping others.

 

[Blain DeCastro]

Its really complicated
before each child was born (have 2) ive asked my wife to step down from her positions in the church to focus on the family more. she ison board of trustees, leadership, pastoral search (when we were looking), and helps with media and sings/plays guitar/piano sometimes. until the 2nd child it was mostly just media and board of trustees. she took on leadership and pastoral after 2nd child was born....ive never told her outright i dont support her, fully, i do by watching the kids so she can go to meetings, and she does do a good job at these jobs.
backing up a little bit, we had struggles in marriage because of my lustful eyes and bad habits, which are extremely better now. so in the earlier years im sure she saw me as not the spiritual leader of the family, and thus i didnt really have a say in what she did, as i did nothing, and had hurt her. in any case i wasnt asking her to step down from these positions for myself personally, but for the growing family as a whole, and as we werent quite whole yet either.
also, her mom was also highly involved in the church growing up, so my wife saw that her whole life. and talking to her mom about it, she regrets doing so much, as that is now what my wife sees as most important. sometimes it feels like its Church, God, Family for her priorities.
the biggest piece in this for me, is since actually reading the bible more and understanding it and living it better....there are some issues i have with her past that make it even harder for me to support her.

pre-conversion yes anyone can be forgiven and can serve in ministry (maybe no pastoral or high leadership).
but both my wife and i, before we met each other, lived immorally, and were immoral together before marriage. i recently did a good part of my testimony to the church, realizing i dont even think i was a christian up until recently. the way i was living, thinking, acting.
the BIG problem i have is that my wife has been active in the church almost her whole life. especially from 22- till when we met. the issue i have with her being in the higher leadership positions shes in, is that she lived a drastically hypocritical lifestyle in the above time frame. living sinfully, practicing sin, but then doing some ministries and helping the church, and even singing on sunday mornings, friends with pastor, mother and father highly active in church as well.
i feel her life now is a lie to the people she grew up with. the bible talks a lot about consequences, and sowing and reaping. i actually believe i am a consequence of her sin, she sowed immorality, and refused to repent and ask for help, etc, so she received immorality from me, the same kind she did to God. theres also the qualifications paul lists, above reproach, etc.

theres not too much out there for post-conversion sinning and positions in the church... there is talk about still living a sinful life means you dont actually know Jesus, and consequences, and reaping and sowing, judgement.

very soon im going to have a conversation with her about her stepping down, and how i dont support her fully. i dont know how to bring it up, how to talk about it, and if i should even do it, or just let it go as it was before i was with her.
i love my wife, and would do anything for her and my family. i dont know what to do, and only her sister knows of her past, so I cant even ask anyone else about help or what to do without giving out her information in the church or family. I want our family to be God-honouring, God fearing, living out and being a light to others, sharing our experiences and helping others.

This is just my take but perhaps you are to focused on your wife. To be fair you may need to see marriage counceling to sort out such issues but as the spiritual leader of the house hold which I am assuming you now are the most important thing is to lead by example simply by doing this it will naturally resolve some of the issues you guys have

Of course since you plan on speaking with her about stepping down from church how do you think she will take that? odds are she will refuse and if such case then all you can do is lead by example.

It seems to me at least that the best course of action is todo that not ask your wife to quit what she is doing but you also have to do what you feel is right so if you go through with all this just keep in mind that if she won't listen the next best thing would be to show her by example

 

[Tpriebe]

This is just my take but perhaps you are to focused on your wife. To be fair you may need to see marriage counceling to sort out such issues but as the spiritual leader of the house hold which I am assuming you now are the most important thing is to lead by example simply by doing this it will naturally resolve some of the issues you guys have

Of course since you plan on speaking with her about stepping down from church how do you think she will take that? odds are she will refuse and if such case then all you can do is lead by example.

It seems to me at least that the best course of action is todo that not ask your wife to quit what she is doing but you also have to do what you feel is right so if you go through with all this just keep in mind that if she won't listen the next best thing would be to show her by example

Thank you for your input. I indeed have been trying harder to lead by example
I also feel that this could have more layers to it.
What does this type of behaviour do for sanctification process? Ie. unresolved past and hurting others, lying.
As being the head of the household by God, do I have some sort of duty to ask her to right her wrongs? Do I hold moral weight/responsibility for knowing her past and how unhealthy it is and not saying anything? Does this affect her sanctification journey?

 

[Blain DeCastro]

Thank you for your input. I indeed have been trying harder to less by example
I also feel that this could have more layers to it.
What does this type of behaviour do for sanctification process? Ie. unresolved past and hurting others, lying.
As being the head of the household by God, do I have some sort of duty to right past wrongs of her? Do I hold moral weight for knowing her past and how u healthy it is?

That is good that you have been trying to lead by example and as for being head of the household no it is not your duty to right past wrongs of hers that is usually between her and God.

The thing is she did what she did and if you two are still together then you must have at least moved past it somewhat right? a spiritual leader is one who does lead by example but they alsoforgive when needed and this may be a situation where forgiveness is needed to move on.

As she does her own things you can be growing and maturing in Christ in order to be a good spiritual leader, if I may ask how long have you been a Christian? and how long has she been one?

 

[Tpriebe]

We were both raised in Christian households, I thought I was a Christian most of my life, but didn’t live like one from let’s say 20-33, and her as well, most of her life, but from 22-28 was her time. But really rededicated my life a few years ago when I was at my worst. And it’s been upwards ever since for me.
Trying to lead yes. She has not let me, I believe she’s knows i don’t really want her involved so much with the church (at this time) for raising family and figuring us out more. As I did speak it audibly when we had each of our kids that I’d like her to step down.

It wasn’t really an issue before
But the more I read the Bible the more I see reaping and sowing and consequences and qualifications and headship. We were both actually practicing sin, living in sin, which means we didn’t know Jesus , while saying we were Christian’s, mocking God.

 

[Blain DeCastro]

We were both raised in Christian households, I thought I was a Christian most of my life, but didn’t live like one from let’s say 20-33, and her as well, most of her life, but from 22-28 was her time. But really rededicated my life a few years ago when I was at my worst. And it’s been upwards ever since for me.
Trying to lead yes. She has not let me, I believe she’s knows i don’t really want her involved so much with the church (at this time) for raising family and figuring us out more. As I did speak it audibly when we had each of our kids that I’d like her to step down.

It wasn’t really an issue before
But the more I read the Bible the more I see reaping and sowing and consequences and qualifications and headship. We were both actually practicing sin, living in sin, which means we didn’t know Jesus , while saying we were Christian’s, mocking God.

I see, well I can understand that you want her to be more focused on the family but maybe this church thing is her way of coping wiith her own problems and is how she grows in faith herself.

We are to put God first after all yes even more than family not that we should disregard family but if she is doing all this church stuff for her faith then isn't that what God would want?

Or perhaps since she knows you want her to step down she is doing all this in rebellion? To be honest without knowing her and letting her speak for herself it can be difficult to decide the best course of action here but from what you have said already I would say that she not only needs to take your feelings into consideration but she needs to really buckle down on the relationship with you

 

[Tpriebe]

I see, well I can understand that you want her to be more focused on the family but maybe this church thing is her way of coping wiith her own problems and is how she grows in faith herself.

We are to put God first after all yes even more than family not that we should disregard family but if she is doing all this church stuff for her faith then isn't that what God would want?

Or perhaps since she knows you want her to step down she is doing all this in rebellion? To be honest without knowing her and letting her speak for herself it can be difficult to decide the best course of action here but from what you have said already I would say that she not only needs to take your feelings into consideration but she needs to really buckle down on the relationship with you

I see, well I can understand that you want her to be more focused on the family but maybe this church thing is her way of coping wiith her own problems and is how she grows in faith herself.

We are to put God first after all yes even more than family not that we should disregard family but if she is doing all this church stuff for her faith then isn't that what God would want?

Or perhaps since she knows you want her to step down she is doing all this in rebellion? To be honest without knowing her and letting her speak for herself it can be difficult to decide the best course of action here but from what you have said already I would say that she not only needs to take your feelings into consideration but she needs to really buckle down on the relationship with you

It may be coping, but it’s also what she saw her mom do growing up, all her life, even now.

Doing stuff and being active in the church doesn’t necessarily equate to doing it for God. Matthew 7:21-23 apply? Especially since in her 20’s she was involved in church and practicing sin and living in sin, which isn’t what God wants, so she doesn’t know love, love in obedience to God and his word, commands for our life. You can’t serve 2 masters. Rags are filth if you don’t have God. As far as the bible says, all the stuff she’s done is filth before God. It’s brought about good for the church and she’s helped the church, yes. But
I do believe God has been using her despite what she’s done, in his extreme grace and mercy. Even if I think she shouldn’t be in these positions, or maybe other people as well, God has used her and she’s done good things. But who’s to say it could be done better if she never did, or at least done differently. It could be said that since God knew she was never going to own up to the years of sin, he would use her in the positions she went Into, but knowing there would be consequences later in life, IE me.
it’s not what she’s done, it’s how she’s done it.

I don’t think she’s doing it in rebellion, just in that I’m not the spiritual leader, or don’t seem to want to help with church at all, or that I don’t seem all that interested in helping the church. Or that if no one will do it, she will.

Of course I’d want it to be a conversation about it. Not me just saying all this stuff with no regard for her, id want to know her side of course.

 

[Blain DeCastro]

It may be coping, but it’s also what she saw her mom do growing up, all her life, even now.

Doing stuff and being active in the church doesn’t necessarily equate to doing it for God. Matthew 7:21-23 apply? Especially since in her 20’s she was involved in church and practicing sin and living in sin, which isn’t what God wants, so she doesn’t know love, love in obedience to God and his word, commands for our life. You can’t serve 2 masters. Rags are filth if you don’t have God. As far as the bible says, all the stuff she’s done is filth before God. It’s brought about good for the church and she’s helped the church, yes. But
I do believe God has been using her despite what she’s done, in his extreme grace and mercy. Even if I think she shouldn’t be in these positions, or maybe other people as well, God has used her and she’s done good things. But who’s to say it could be done better if she never did, or at least done differently. It could be said that since God knew she was never going to own up to the years of sin, he would use her in the positions she went Into, but knowing there would be consequences later in life, IE me.
it’s not what she’s done, it’s how she’s done it.

I don’t think she’s doing it in rebellion, just in that I’m not the spiritual leader, or don’t seem to want to help with church at all, or that I don’t seem all that interested in helping the church. Or that if no one will do it, she will.

Of course I’d want it to be a conversation about it. Not me just saying all this stuff with no regard for her, id want to know her side of course.

Well the best option may be to sit and have a talk with her about it maybe then she will see the error of her ways?

 

[Tpriebe]

Well the best option may be to sit and have a talk with her about it maybe then she will see the error of her ways?

Thank you for your time, blain, even a different perspective can shed some light or add certain things
I appreciate your willingness to help!

 

[Tpriebe]

Well the best option may be to sit and have a talk with her about it maybe then she will see the error of her ways?

I don’t know, still. I at least want to ask her to step down and have more time and effort on the whole family. Even if I don’t bring up the other stuff

 

[Blain DeCastro]

Thank you for your time, blain, even a different perspective can shed some light or add certain things
I appreciate your willingness to help!

Well I am just sorry I cannot help more, without knowing her personally it makes it difficult to know the best course of action

 

[PopaSodinski]

Are any of her church positions something that you could do instead of her?