Helping Kids Through The Anxiety-Filled Middle School Years

[Focus on the Family]

What Is Anxiety?

Anxiety is an intense emotional reaction, usually of dread, to a perceived, anticipated or future danger. Clinical anxiety can involve symptoms such as trembling and shaking, restlessness, sleep problems, fatigue, anger and depression.


This fall, my oldest daughter starts middle school. In many ways, she’s a confident, talented, and accomplished young lady. In others, she’s still a little girl. Despite her advanced drawing skills and the numerous comics she’s created, her room is littered with stuffed animals and sparkles. The blankie I made for her when she was a toddler is still on her bed in its customary spot.

She’s a sensitive and quiet girl who struggles to make friends. Her interests are art and Japanese anime, and she dreams of becoming an illustrator and schoolteacher. But a chasm stands between her and those dreams—a deep, dark chasm called middle school and high school.

I’m excited to see my daughter learn and grow, but I’m also wary of the challenges that growing up brings. I vividly remember my own middle school years: longing to fit in, yet desperate to be different; desiring independence, yet lacking the wisdom of experience.

All children face these struggles to one degree or another. Peer pressure, bullies, homework, tests, loneliness, insecurity and fluctuating hormones make it tough to be a kid. How can we shepherd our children through these anxiety-filled years? Here are a few ways you can encourage them to trust Jesus when they’re feeling anxious.

Remind them that Jesus is their best Friend​

Jesus is “a friend for sinners!” as an old hymn tells us. When friends fail us and foes assail us, He is faithful, loving and good. Unfortunately, sinful people will disappoint, reject and even betray us.

Many of us learned this the hard way in middle school and high school—and so will our children. But if we teach them to anchor their hearts in Jesus—building a foundation of confidence, happiness and sense of belonging in Him—then catty girls and cruel boys will have no real power to harm them. That doesn’t mean their feelings won’t get hurt, but it puts everything in perspective. Hurtful words can’t do permanent damage when we instead listen to Jesus and who He says we are.

We also need to remind our children that they don’t need to worry about what other people think about them. Jesus’ opinion is the only one that really matters. And He believes they were worth dying for.

Remind them to talk to God​

My kids struggle with praying at school because they worry that their friends might think they’re weird, or teachers might disapprove. It takes a lot of courage to be light in a dark world, so I encourage my kids to pray anyway. I also offer practical reminders and advice, such as, “You can talk to God in your head, whether you’re playing, waiting in line, drawing a picture or taking a test. You can talk to Him at any time, no matter where you are or how you’re feeling.”

Besides building their faith and relationship with God, prayer reminds them that they are never alone. No matter how their day is going or how stressful life may feel, God is with them and is always listening. As we consistently and gently encourage our kids to talk to God throughout the day, the Holy Spirit will build their courage so they can pray in public without worrying about what others think.

Be emotionally present​

As busy parents who work all day, we can find it hard to be emotionally present for our kids in the evenings. It’s all too easy to rush through dinner, speed-clean the kitchen and hustle our kids through their homework and chores. Then we may zone out in front of the TV or mindlessly scroll through social media before herding everyone to bed.

If our kids feel we’re not emotionally available, they may hesitate to interrupt us if they had a hard day or have something on their minds that they need to talk about. They might conclude that giving us space and doing their homework and chores are more important to us than their feelings. So let’s find ways to avoid that scenario.

One thing I try to do is ask my kids questions. On the drive home from school or during dinner as a family, I’ll say, “How was your day? What did you do? Who did you play with at recess? What did you eat for lunch?” Most days, their answers are the same, but my goal is to be emotionally present and show them I’m genuinely interested in their lives. If my kids are bullied, I want them to know their mom wants to hear about it. When they get a questionable text, see an inappropriate photo or are snubbed by a friend, I want to be the first person they tell.

Offer an escape route​

Kids can become anxious and depressed for any number of reasons. They may feel trapped in circumstances at home, school or church, or in relationships and social situations. When this happens, they may not know what to do or how to get help. This can lead to behavioral problems or even despair.

As parents, we can offer our kids an escape route by helping them explore options. Just knowing they have options may help calm anxiety and restore hope.

I frequently remind my daughter, “If you don’t like middle school, we can homeschool.” Or, “If you have trouble finishing your homework, I’ll sit with you while you do it.” This lets her know she isn’t trapped, since she always has options.

We need to assure our children that no situation is hopeless and nothing is impossible with God. When we turn to Him for answers, He will help us find a solution.

Set the joy of eternity before them​

One of my favorite games to play with my kids is asking them questions about what it will be like to spend eternity with Jesus. This fallen world, where friends gossip, bullies upset us, tests are stressful and teachers get grumpy, isn’t forever. We have a destination that’s free of fears and worries!

This life is just for a season, and one day, Jesus will wrap us in His loving embrace. Nurturing a heavenly perspective can keep our kids from drowning in the day-to-day monotony of life. Fixing their eyes on Jesus and the joy set before them is a powerful remedy for anxiety.


The post Helping Kids Through The Anxiety-Filled Middle School Years appeared first on Focus on the Family.

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