Mark Twain once wrote, “A cat that sits on a hot stove won’t ever sit on a hot stove again; neither will it sit on a cold stove.” Well, Gary once sat on a hot stove. His second wife, Shirley, complained that he wouldn’t let her take any parental initiative with his children. Upon reflection, Gary was aware that he struggled to release control of his kids, but he didn’t know why. After exploring his relational history with a counselor, he realized that his first wife’s abandonment left him afraid to “get back up on the stove.” He was going to have to learn how not to let past relationships affect his marriage.
Gary knew he had been holding on to his children to protect them from further pain, but he didn’t realize he was also protecting himself. Holding on to them meant he didn’t have to give as much of himself to Shirley. He feared making himself vulnerable to hurt and worried that she might not be fully committed to the marriage. He discovered that he had been intentionally making his wife jealous of his children so he could be assured of her desire for him. Ironically, this inadvertently built resentment in Shirley’s heart toward both him and his children over time.
Confidence in marriage is important. It nurtures a positive attitude toward your spouse and a high motivation to find positive ways of relating. Fear and concern, however, erode how we receive our mate’s words and actions. In my book The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family, I refer to these fears as the “ghosts of marriage past.” These ghosts can lead you to live as if negative things are happening when they’re not and to interpret benign behaviors, attitudes, or words as if they are malignant. Couples who are intent on developing a long-lasting relationship must manage their inner concerns and fears. You must become a ghostbuster!
Learning to manage your fears and how they affect you is an important task in protecting your marriage from erosion. Consider these ghost-busting strategies as you learn how to not let previous relationships affect your marriage:
Confronting your ghosts is never easy. Strive to love as Jesus would have you—without fear. Then, and only then, will your confidence and sense of security in this marriage grow. Remember, “perfect love casts out all fear” (1 John 4:18).
Luisa’s husband pursued her sexually with great passion during their first year of marriage, but that changed. Ramon began getting up at night and sleeping on the couch. He explained that his back was giving him problems and that sleeping on the couch was more comfortable. Past sexual experiences caused Luisa to fear that his sexual interest in her was diminishing. “It’s like he’s leaving me on purpose,” she shared. “He’s been initiating sex less often, and I think it’s because he is not happy with our sex life.”
Both Luisa’s first and second husband left her for other women; her fear ghost believed Ramon would as well. Even though Ramon explained that his behavior was related to back pain, Luisa’s fears caused her to judge his motives in a negative way; she believed that his sleeping on the couch was a sign that his desire for her was waning.
When asked about their partner’s previous sexual relationships, 90 percent of healthy couples in a large national study of blended family couples agreed that there was nothing to be worried about. However, in 42 percent of less healthy couples, at least one partner showed concern about their partner’s previous sexual experiences. Deal, R.L. & Olson, D.H., National Survey of Couples Creating Stepfamilies. Visit Smart Stepfamilies for details.
In addition, unhappy couples were twice as likely as moderately satisfied couples and four times as likely as strong couples to report feeling concerned about the previous sexual experiences of their partner. Luisa’s fears are one example of what seems to cause couples difficulty; how previous sexual experiences compare to the current sexual relationship is another.
It’s very important you move beyond these concerns and learn how to not let past relationships affect your marriage so that they don’t hide below the surface of your relationship. Discuss any concerns you might have with your mate; be careful not to compare the current sexual relationship with the past, but express your desire for how you would like to see your relationship improve.
As you learn how to not let past relationships affect your marriage, keep these seven tips in mind:
“Why can’t you touch me the way John did?” isn’t going to breed confidence in your partner. Keep your comparisons to yourself! Nor should you linger on comparisons in your own mind. Doing so keeps you looking back instead of connecting to the moment at hand.
Your new spouse’s sexual preferences may vary from their previous spouse. Don’t think that what “worked” previously will work again. Listen to verbal and nonverbal messages telling you your spouse’s preferences.
If you were sexually rejected or traumatized in the past, be careful not to let your insecurities or anxiety run ahead of you.
Learning how to read one another, when to respond with a specific touch, or what your couple sexual style is will take time. Learn as you go, and share what you learn.
Don’t be quick to make negative assumptions about your spouse’s motivations or behavior. When fearful, try to take small risks to increase your willingness to trust.
It’s normal for couples to have a sexual complaint of some kind. Don’t panic if you encounter difficulty, especially if you are aware that your spouse had a good sex life formerly. Remember, it’s only a comparison if you make it one. Talk it through, and, if necessary, find a Christian marriage therapist experienced in dealing with sexual issues.
In my experience, people who get stuck are struggling with not being their mate’s “first and only” sexual partner. Accepting that your spouse has had other sexual experiences does not mean your sex life can’t be wonderful. If you are “exclusive in their heart” now, then strive to rest in that assurance.
With intentional effort and by learning how to not let previous relationships affect their marriage, Luisa and Ramon were able to overcome their sexual frustrations. First, they worked together to create opportunities for positive sexual experiences. Given Ramon’s back problems, the couple had to be more intentional and rely less on night-time spontaneity to present them with opportunities to engage in sex. They began periodically meeting at home for lunch while the kids were at school, and they planned other opportune times to connect sexually.
Second, Luisa began to work on how her fear ghost was influencing her to misjudge her husband’s heart. She made a list of triggers (behaviors, words, and feelings) that activated her fear and what actions she took when upset. She and Ramon then worked together over time to help her reduce the ghost’s influence on their marriage. Eventually, her fears decreased significantly. As their relational and sexual communication increased over time, a strong sexual intimacy developed.
The post How Not To Let Past Relationships Affect Your Marriage appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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Gary knew he had been holding on to his children to protect them from further pain, but he didn’t realize he was also protecting himself. Holding on to them meant he didn’t have to give as much of himself to Shirley. He feared making himself vulnerable to hurt and worried that she might not be fully committed to the marriage. He discovered that he had been intentionally making his wife jealous of his children so he could be assured of her desire for him. Ironically, this inadvertently built resentment in Shirley’s heart toward both him and his children over time.
Ghosts of Relationships Past
Confidence in marriage is important. It nurtures a positive attitude toward your spouse and a high motivation to find positive ways of relating. Fear and concern, however, erode how we receive our mate’s words and actions. In my book The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family, I refer to these fears as the “ghosts of marriage past.” These ghosts can lead you to live as if negative things are happening when they’re not and to interpret benign behaviors, attitudes, or words as if they are malignant. Couples who are intent on developing a long-lasting relationship must manage their inner concerns and fears. You must become a ghostbuster!
Who You Gonna Call?
Learning to manage your fears and how they affect you is an important task in protecting your marriage from erosion. Consider these ghost-busting strategies as you learn how to not let previous relationships affect your marriage:
- Identify your ghosts. What are you trying to prevent from happening? What pain are you especially sensitive to? (Find a list of common ghosts for those divorced and widowed at SmartStepfamilies.com.)
- Identify your fear triggers. It could be a behavior, gesture, tone of voice, or verbal message from your spouse that sets you off, or it might be a feeling you experience that reminds you of a painful past. Be sure you know what sets you off so you can interrupt the trigger’s impact.
- Interpret the present in light of the present – not the past. “I know what you mean by that tone of voice” might be a mistaken interpretation based on the past. Don’t be too quick to judge the motives or meaning of your spouse’s actions and words.
- Wrestle with forgiveness. Some ghosts persist because you haven’t fully grieved the past or forgiven your ex-spouse.
- Ask your current spouse for prayer. Share what you are learning about yourself – your fears and triggers—so they can support your effort to bust your ghosts.
- Ask yourself questions. In trying to change your emotional reactions, ask yourself, “If I had never sat on that hot stove before, how would I respond in this situation?” The answer represents your love potential and should become your goal each day.
How Not To Let Past Sexual Experiences Affect Your Marriage
Confronting your ghosts is never easy. Strive to love as Jesus would have you—without fear. Then, and only then, will your confidence and sense of security in this marriage grow. Remember, “perfect love casts out all fear” (1 John 4:18).
Luisa’s husband pursued her sexually with great passion during their first year of marriage, but that changed. Ramon began getting up at night and sleeping on the couch. He explained that his back was giving him problems and that sleeping on the couch was more comfortable. Past sexual experiences caused Luisa to fear that his sexual interest in her was diminishing. “It’s like he’s leaving me on purpose,” she shared. “He’s been initiating sex less often, and I think it’s because he is not happy with our sex life.”
Both Luisa’s first and second husband left her for other women; her fear ghost believed Ramon would as well. Even though Ramon explained that his behavior was related to back pain, Luisa’s fears caused her to judge his motives in a negative way; she believed that his sleeping on the couch was a sign that his desire for her was waning.
Caught in the Past
When asked about their partner’s previous sexual relationships, 90 percent of healthy couples in a large national study of blended family couples agreed that there was nothing to be worried about. However, in 42 percent of less healthy couples, at least one partner showed concern about their partner’s previous sexual experiences. Deal, R.L. & Olson, D.H., National Survey of Couples Creating Stepfamilies. Visit Smart Stepfamilies for details.
In addition, unhappy couples were twice as likely as moderately satisfied couples and four times as likely as strong couples to report feeling concerned about the previous sexual experiences of their partner. Luisa’s fears are one example of what seems to cause couples difficulty; how previous sexual experiences compare to the current sexual relationship is another.
It’s very important you move beyond these concerns and learn how to not let past relationships affect your marriage so that they don’t hide below the surface of your relationship. Discuss any concerns you might have with your mate; be careful not to compare the current sexual relationship with the past, but express your desire for how you would like to see your relationship improve.
7 Tips for Creating a Positive New Sexual Experience
As you learn how to not let past relationships affect your marriage, keep these seven tips in mind:
1. Don’t Make Comparisons in Your Mind—or Out Loud!
“Why can’t you touch me the way John did?” isn’t going to breed confidence in your partner. Keep your comparisons to yourself! Nor should you linger on comparisons in your own mind. Doing so keeps you looking back instead of connecting to the moment at hand.
2. Stay Open to New Preferences.
Your new spouse’s sexual preferences may vary from their previous spouse. Don’t think that what “worked” previously will work again. Listen to verbal and nonverbal messages telling you your spouse’s preferences.
3. Calm Your Insecurities.
If you were sexually rejected or traumatized in the past, be careful not to let your insecurities or anxiety run ahead of you.
4. Give Yourself Time To Develop a Couple Groove.
Learning how to read one another, when to respond with a specific touch, or what your couple sexual style is will take time. Learn as you go, and share what you learn.
5. Confront Your Sexual Ghosts.
Don’t be quick to make negative assumptions about your spouse’s motivations or behavior. When fearful, try to take small risks to increase your willingness to trust.
6. Don’t Ignore Sexual Problems or Overreact.
It’s normal for couples to have a sexual complaint of some kind. Don’t panic if you encounter difficulty, especially if you are aware that your spouse had a good sex life formerly. Remember, it’s only a comparison if you make it one. Talk it through, and, if necessary, find a Christian marriage therapist experienced in dealing with sexual issues.
7. If You Are Stuck Worrying About Your Spouse’s Former Sexual Experiences, Strive To Accept Being “Second.”
In my experience, people who get stuck are struggling with not being their mate’s “first and only” sexual partner. Accepting that your spouse has had other sexual experiences does not mean your sex life can’t be wonderful. If you are “exclusive in their heart” now, then strive to rest in that assurance.
Overcoming the Past
With intentional effort and by learning how to not let previous relationships affect their marriage, Luisa and Ramon were able to overcome their sexual frustrations. First, they worked together to create opportunities for positive sexual experiences. Given Ramon’s back problems, the couple had to be more intentional and rely less on night-time spontaneity to present them with opportunities to engage in sex. They began periodically meeting at home for lunch while the kids were at school, and they planned other opportune times to connect sexually.
Second, Luisa began to work on how her fear ghost was influencing her to misjudge her husband’s heart. She made a list of triggers (behaviors, words, and feelings) that activated her fear and what actions she took when upset. She and Ramon then worked together over time to help her reduce the ghost’s influence on their marriage. Eventually, her fears decreased significantly. As their relational and sexual communication increased over time, a strong sexual intimacy developed.
The post How Not To Let Past Relationships Affect Your Marriage appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...