How open should spouse's be about their struggle with lust?

[Seekingthelord1]

Me and my wife are barely three months married and we already have encountered a pretty rough difference. I just would like some godly wisdom, and if i'm going about this the right way.

The back story is one evening my wife was pretty anxious, she tends to be an anxious person so I just asked her what was wrong, why wasn't she eating dinner. She refused to tell me, kept persisting saying she just wants to not tell me, and keep it between God. Ok, I dropped it, but she did say that she would eventually tell me. I thought it was odd as she's never had this response to something bugging her.
So I asked her the following night hey what was making you so anxious last night, and she once again got kind of defensive saying why are you so persistent. Some things you should just leave, and I said I don't believe if you are struggling with something so much that it's making you not want to eat dinner and lose your appetite you should keep it from your husband. I just want to pray for you, and i care for you. then I said I'll drop it.

She came back after 5 mintues and said okay i'll tell you. When I was in the store a couple weeks ago, i was wearing tight yoga pants, and she wears a long shirt that covers her butt because she thinks that modest, as do I. But she said she was aware that her shirt was riding up on her, and she intentionally decided to let it ride up for the conscious thought of attracting other men's attention. She said she finally came to senses and thought how wrong that was being a married women, and prayed and really sought god's forgiveness on it. I kind of feel betrayed hearing that, but what makes it worst is the thought process of keeping this hidden. In reality, it's not the end of the world and i would have just appreciated her being honest and open about this so i can pray with her. We are all sinful and have fleshy desires I get it. If she was wide open, I would feel so much better about it vs her opinion that she regrets telling me this now. She thinks struggles with lustful thoughts, or actions shouldn't be shared with me.

I've tried sharing scripture with her, and many points of view from wise counsel, but she has her mother speaking in her ear saying not everything should be shared with your spouse and with struggles like this. She even went to the point of saying that some of these things it's okay to lie to your spouse about, and brought up examples such as the lies told by the Hebrew midwives and Rahab.
midwives lied to Pharaoh to protect Hebrew babies, which likely saved their lives and led to the birth of Moses

Her mother is basically saying she's destroying our marriage if she is open on this subject of struggles with lustful thoughts and actions with your spouse. I don't think is godly wisdom at all, and i think it's creating a wedge between us. She is so hard set on her mother's advice, and alot of times i feel like she puts her mother over me with the amount she runs to her to talk too.

Anyways, any advice would be appreciated on how i go forward with this in a godly way, while still showing grace and love to her even though I heavily disagree with her viewpoint it not being necessary to share with your spouse and keeping this stuff just between you and god. It makes me feel like I can't trust her and that she's not being open to me about her struggles if she ever has them or if things like this happen again. she said she wishes she never shown she was anxious that evening, that way i never asked or knew.

 

[hawkman]

Do you and your wife attend church together ?

Is your wife a Christian ?

When I was in the store a couple weeks ago, i was wearing tight yoga pants, and she wears a long shirt that covers her butt because she thinks that modest, as do I. But she said she was aware that her shirt was riding up on her, and she intentionally decided to let it ride up for the conscious thought of attracting other men's attention.

Did you ask her what she would do with "other men's attention " ?

Anyways, any advice would be appreciated on how i go forward with this in a godly way, while still showing grace and love to her even though I heavily disagree with her viewpoint it not being necessary to share with your spouse and keeping this stuff just between you and god.

You should always show love toward your wife ! ! Do you have any doubts about this ?

Did you and your wife make a commitment to love each each other when you got married ?

Welcome to the forum .

 

[Seekingthelord1]

Do you and your wife attend church together ?

Is your wife a Christian ?


Did you ask her what she would do with "other men's attention " ?

You should always show love toward your wife ! ! Do you have any doubts about this ?

Did you and your wife make a commitment to love each each other when you got married ?

Welcome to the forum .

Yes me and my wife are both Christian’s and active in the church weekly. She said she wouldn’t do anything with her, that it was a lapse of judgment and just wanted attention from men. No one in particular she claimed.

Yes we did make a commitment, I still love her. Sometimes in back and forth we can get heated and I can show love better of course.

But once again how do we go forward with this big difference of ours? I don’t feel like we are open or can trust her if she’s telling me she’s going to withhold struggles from me.

 

[hawkman]

Yes we did make a commitment,

Go back and look at what your commitments were to each other when you married , both of you together do this .

Do you have a copy of the marriage vows said ?

But once again how do we go forward with this big difference of ours?

Your answer is below .

Yes me and my wife are both Christian’s and active in the church weekly.

Go and have a talk with your pastor , that is what he is there for .

 

[tdidymas]

Me and my wife are barely three months married and we already have encountered a pretty rough difference. I just would like some godly wisdom, and if i'm going about this the right way.

The back story is one evening my wife was pretty anxious, she tends to be an anxious person so I just asked her what was wrong, why wasn't she eating dinner. She refused to tell me, kept persisting saying she just wants to not tell me, and keep it between God. Ok, I dropped it, but she did say that she would eventually tell me. I thought it was odd as she's never had this response to something bugging her.
So I asked her the following night hey what was making you so anxious last night, and she once again got kind of defensive saying why are you so persistent. Some things you should just leave, and I said I don't believe if you are struggling with something so much that it's making you not want to eat dinner and lose your appetite you should keep it from your husband. I just want to pray for you, and i care for you. then I said I'll drop it.

She came back after 5 mintues and said okay i'll tell you. When I was in the store a couple weeks ago, i was wearing tight yoga pants, and she wears a long shirt that covers her butt because she thinks that modest, as do I. But she said she was aware that her shirt was riding up on her, and she intentionally decided to let it ride up for the conscious thought of attracting other men's attention. She said she finally came to senses and thought how wrong that was being a married women, and prayed and really sought god's forgiveness on it. I kind of feel betrayed hearing that, but what makes it worst is the thought process of keeping this hidden. In reality, it's not the end of the world and i would have just appreciated her being honest and open about this so i can pray with her. We are all sinful and have fleshy desires I get it. If she was wide open, I would feel so much better about it vs her opinion that she regrets telling me this now. She thinks struggles with lustful thoughts, or actions shouldn't be shared with me.

I've tried sharing scripture with her, and many points of view from wise counsel, but she has her mother speaking in her ear saying not everything should be shared with your spouse and with struggles like this. She even went to the point of saying that some of these things it's okay to lie to your spouse about, and brought up examples such as the lies told by the Hebrew midwives and Rahab.
midwives lied to Pharaoh to protect Hebrew babies, which likely saved their lives and led to the birth of Moses

Her mother is basically saying she's destroying our marriage if she is open on this subject of struggles with lustful thoughts and actions with your spouse. I don't think is godly wisdom at all, and i think it's creating a wedge between us. She is so hard set on her mother's advice, and alot of times i feel like she puts her mother over me with the amount she runs to her to talk too.

Anyways, any advice would be appreciated on how i go forward with this in a godly way, while still showing grace and love to her even though I heavily disagree with her viewpoint it not being necessary to share with your spouse and keeping this stuff just between you and god. It makes me feel like I can't trust her and that she's not being open to me about her struggles if she ever has them or if things like this happen again. she said she wishes she never shown she was anxious that evening, that way i never asked or knew.

Have you asked this (or searched) here:

Home

Focus on the Family is a global Christian ministry dedicated to helping families thrive. We provide help and resources for couples to build healthy marriages that reflect God’s design, and for parents to raise their children according to morals and values grounded in biblical principles.

www.focusonthefamily.com

It's likely the best place to get advice like this. But it sounds to me like you already have some experience with "psychological walls" - that is, barriers to unity of relationship. It seems to me that there should be some wisdom exercised in making a distinction between foolish thoughts that come and go every day (it would be foolish to share such things), and some sinful attitude which affects behavior that should be confessed for the purpose of healing the mind. Secrets keep people in bondage. Confession frees the soul.

One case - Prov. 29:20 "Do you see someone who speaks in haste? There is more hope for a fool than for them." There are others similar to this one that indicates a person should think before they speak, and weigh the potential ramifications of not only what may be said, but how it is said.

The other case - James 5:16 "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." In this case, if a person has a chronic lust problem for example, and it has influenced both attitude and behavior, it needs to be dealt with by confession and prayer, with the idea that the Spirit will help them to overcome it.

 

[Hopeful 2]

Yes me and my wife are both Christian’s and active in the church weekly. She said she wouldn’t do anything with her, that it was a lapse of judgment and just wanted attention from men. No one in particular she claimed.

Yes we did make a commitment, I still love her. Sometimes in back and forth we can get heated and I can show love better of course.

But once again how do we go forward with this big difference of ours? I don’t feel like we are open or can trust her if she’s telling me she’s going to withhold struggles from me.

I wonder why either of you think her manner of dress was modest ?

 

[Juliarod]

Me and my wife are barely three months married and we already have encountered a pretty rough difference. I just would like some godly wisdom, and if i'm going about this the right way.

The back story is one evening my wife was pretty anxious, she tends to be an anxious person so I just asked her what was wrong, why wasn't she eating dinner. She refused to tell me, kept persisting saying she just wants to not tell me, and keep it between God. Ok, I dropped it, but she did say that she would eventually tell me. I thought it was odd as she's never had this response to something bugging her.
So I asked her the following night hey what was making you so anxious last night, and she once again got kind of defensive saying why are you so persistent. Some things you should just leave, and I said I don't believe if you are struggling with something so much that it's making you not want to eat dinner and lose your appetite you should keep it from your husband. I just want to pray for you, and i care for you. then I said I'll drop it.

She came back after 5 mintues and said okay i'll tell you. When I was in the store a couple weeks ago, i was wearing tight yoga pants, and she wears a long shirt that covers her butt because she thinks that modest, as do I. But she said she was aware that her shirt was riding up on her, and she intentionally decided to let it ride up for the conscious thought of attracting other men's attention. She said she finally came to senses and thought how wrong that was being a married women, and prayed and really sought god's forgiveness on it. I kind of feel betrayed hearing that, but what makes it worst is the thought process of keeping this hidden. In reality, it's not the end of the world and i would have just appreciated her being honest and open about this so i can pray with her. We are all sinful and have fleshy desires I get it. If she was wide open, I would feel so much better about it vs her opinion that she regrets telling me this now. She thinks struggles with lustful thoughts, or actions shouldn't be shared with me.

I've tried sharing scripture with her, and many points of view from wise counsel, but she has her mother speaking in her ear saying not everything should be shared with your spouse and with struggles like this. She even went to the point of saying that some of these things it's okay to lie to your spouse about, and brought up examples such as the lies told by the Hebrew midwives and Rahab.
midwives lied to Pharaoh to protect Hebrew babies, which likely saved their lives and led to the birth of Moses

Her mother is basically saying she's destroying our marriage if she is open on this subject of struggles with lustful thoughts and actions with your spouse. I don't think is godly wisdom at all, and i think it's creating a wedge between us. She is so hard set on her mother's advice, and alot of times i feel like she puts her mother over me with the amount she runs to her to talk too.

Anyways, any advice would be appreciated on how i go forward with this in a godly way, while still showing grace and love to her even though I heavily disagree with her viewpoint it not being necessary to share with your spouse and keeping this stuff just between you and god. It makes me feel like I can't trust her and that she's not being open to me about her struggles if she ever has them or if things like this happen again. she said she wishes she never shown she was anxious that evening, that way i never asked or knew.

Okay, first of all if we are wearing pants or skirts or high heels or lipstick or whatever does not mean we are inviting men to lust after us. The heart of the woman or the man is hard to determine by clothing in my experience. I know this big controversy among many but after working with youth for years I know that most do not put this kind of thought about their wearing. Some wear things to be seen, yes, but not to be raped or lusted after. This is extreme thinking in my opinion and reads too much subtext without context. Ok. Now, does a woman need to tell her husband about her lust struggles? YES. I did not do this and it leading to adultery on my part. So, if I had talked with my husband, my protector, my lover, my shepherd, then maybe my life would have been different. Now, what if my husband would have heard my struggles and then acted like you, and was hurt and confused and didn't know what to do. I say this: Lust is lust. It is not love. I didn't need a new husband. I had deeper things inside me that need attending. I was not needing a replacement husband. Do you know what I mean? Lust is only a symptom of something deeper. Maybe the woman needs more affirming. Maybe she is just needing more sexual pleasure. Maybe she needing more listening and care from her hubby. Or something fully different. Each is a unique person with their own needs. But a husband working with her wife to love her and mold her and carry her in her weakness is what we need, not men who are insecure. You are men! Strong and powerful and handsome. Men of God are the warriors of our generation. Help us weaker sex. Now, should a man confess his lusting to us? I don't think we can handle it. Men do it more often statistically and a woman is already so insecure. Keep that between you men. I know this seems like a double standard but I think it is more bible based, right? The man is the head.