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Most extramarital affairs do not start out with the candid revelations: “My husband is out of town” or “My wife won’t suspect a thing.” Most times, something has gone awry in a marriage before a dissatisfied spouse utters these lines. Here are some ways how to avoid an affair, warning signs, and the factors that can lead to them. it is important to recognize where your marriage is vulnerable to an affair in order to prevent one.
Men turn to extramarital affairs to build up their self-image or sexual self-esteem. Women turn to extramarital affairs to satisfy their longing for love, appreciation, and tenderness. Beware of leaning on others outside of your marriage as primary sources for love, value and respect.
If you only talk to your spouse about the bills and household chores, you may head into trouble. Holding in your thoughts and feelings does not enhance transparency in your relationship. Practice the art of small talk that can open the door to deeper sharing.
Every couple runs into communication rough spots. It’s important not to build walls between you and your spouse. Some people mask their hurt, while others spew their emotions. Neither method is constructive. Both ways create relational roadblocks. Unresolved conflict leads to isolation and leaves you vulnerable to fleeing your marriage.
Think of the last time you and your spouse enjoyed a date or a weekend getaway together. As the adage says, “Couples that play together stay together.” If career, family, and home responsibilities are crowding out laughter and friendship with your spouse, you need to make time for recreational retreats with each other.
The demands of work, travel, children, or differing interests and hobbies are common issues that can keep couples apart. The more time you spend away from your spouse, the greater temptation to drift in your relationship.
Packed schedules and child rearing are two common reasons husbands and wives feel ho-hum in their relational intimacy. Romance, in an instant, can remind you of the reasons you love each other. All marriages require times of refreshing and an in-depth look at intimacy saboteurs.
Familiarity and boredom can creep into any marriage. If you or your spouse are suddenly disinterested in sex with each other, be sure to explore the true reasons.
A little mystery can go a long way in adding spice to your marriage. Many couples succumb to affairs out of fading interest in their spouses. One way to continue your wedded bliss is to surprise your mate with love notes or an occasional unexpected outing or gift.
Pretending that problems do not exist in your marriage will only widen the gap between you and your spouse. Many extramarital affairs start when a frustrated spouse searches for a reality check in marriage by turning to an office mate or friend of the opposite sex for support. Dare to face the truth of your marital struggles.
Over time, couples are prone to forget why they fell in love. In our easy-come-easy-go culture, it takes courage and determination to honor commitment instead of convenience.
In our over-sexed world, even the most innocent husband or wife can fall prey to sexual temptations. Before you or your mate find yourself in compromising situations, talk about safeguards for your marriage. You may need to avoid after-work soirees, certain hotels on business trips, and sexually compromising magazines, movies, or television shows. Thinking, “Just this once,” can lead to a lifetime of regret.
If your marriage partner exhibits several of the following behaviors, your marriage may be in danger of an extramarital affair:
Many factors can drive a marriage to the rocks. Help ensure an enriching relationship for a lifetime by taking steps today to guard your marriage.
What can spouses do to safeguard their marriage? In his book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, Dr. Willard Harley says that the marriages most susceptible to infidelity are those where one or both spouses fail to meet their spouse’s primary needs. For wives, those needs are affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial commitment, and family commitment. Husbands’ primary needs are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support, and admiration.
If you’ve only reached the point of temptation but haven’t acted on it yet, make changes in your life so that it doesn’t go any further. Here are some ideas on how to avoid an affair:
While it won’t be easy, your marriage may be able to survive an affair if you work at it.
The good news is that infidelity doesn’t have to be a marriage killer. When couples are determined to work through the pain of adultery, to end the affair, to forgive, and to seek counseling, their unions can often be restored. It is possible to recover from an affair.
After discovering that your spouse has been unfaithful, you’ll likely experience a torrent of conflicting emotions. Here are some important things to keep in mind as you sort through your feelings.
The post How to Avoid or End an Affair appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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Most extramarital affairs do not start out with the candid revelations: “My husband is out of town” or “My wife won’t suspect a thing.” Most times, something has gone awry in a marriage before a dissatisfied spouse utters these lines. Here are some ways how to avoid an affair, warning signs, and the factors that can lead to them. it is important to recognize where your marriage is vulnerable to an affair in order to prevent one.
How to Avoid an Affair: Learn the Contributing Factors
1. Looking for Ego Boosts Outside Your Marriage.
Men turn to extramarital affairs to build up their self-image or sexual self-esteem. Women turn to extramarital affairs to satisfy their longing for love, appreciation, and tenderness. Beware of leaning on others outside of your marriage as primary sources for love, value and respect.
2. Neglecting To Talk Openly With Each Other.
If you only talk to your spouse about the bills and household chores, you may head into trouble. Holding in your thoughts and feelings does not enhance transparency in your relationship. Practice the art of small talk that can open the door to deeper sharing.
3. Resisting Conflict Resolution.
Every couple runs into communication rough spots. It’s important not to build walls between you and your spouse. Some people mask their hurt, while others spew their emotions. Neither method is constructive. Both ways create relational roadblocks. Unresolved conflict leads to isolation and leaves you vulnerable to fleeing your marriage.
4. Discounting Fun and Relaxation Together.
Think of the last time you and your spouse enjoyed a date or a weekend getaway together. As the adage says, “Couples that play together stay together.” If career, family, and home responsibilities are crowding out laughter and friendship with your spouse, you need to make time for recreational retreats with each other.
5. Increasing the Time You Spend Apart.
The demands of work, travel, children, or differing interests and hobbies are common issues that can keep couples apart. The more time you spend away from your spouse, the greater temptation to drift in your relationship.
6. Allowing Daily Stresses and Fatigue To Sabotage Your Intimacy.
Packed schedules and child rearing are two common reasons husbands and wives feel ho-hum in their relational intimacy. Romance, in an instant, can remind you of the reasons you love each other. All marriages require times of refreshing and an in-depth look at intimacy saboteurs.
7. Letting Your Love Life Fizzle Instead of Sizzle.
Familiarity and boredom can creep into any marriage. If you or your spouse are suddenly disinterested in sex with each other, be sure to explore the true reasons.
8. Giving In to Predictability.
A little mystery can go a long way in adding spice to your marriage. Many couples succumb to affairs out of fading interest in their spouses. One way to continue your wedded bliss is to surprise your mate with love notes or an occasional unexpected outing or gift.
9. Living in Denial.
Pretending that problems do not exist in your marriage will only widen the gap between you and your spouse. Many extramarital affairs start when a frustrated spouse searches for a reality check in marriage by turning to an office mate or friend of the opposite sex for support. Dare to face the truth of your marital struggles.
10. Forgetting Your Commitment to Each Other.
Over time, couples are prone to forget why they fell in love. In our easy-come-easy-go culture, it takes courage and determination to honor commitment instead of convenience.
11. Failing To Resist Come-Ons and Temptations.
In our over-sexed world, even the most innocent husband or wife can fall prey to sexual temptations. Before you or your mate find yourself in compromising situations, talk about safeguards for your marriage. You may need to avoid after-work soirees, certain hotels on business trips, and sexually compromising magazines, movies, or television shows. Thinking, “Just this once,” can lead to a lifetime of regret.
Warning Signs of an Extramarital Affair
If your marriage partner exhibits several of the following behaviors, your marriage may be in danger of an extramarital affair:
- Avoids eye contact with you.
- Talks continually about the unknowns of the future.
- Shows an increased disinterest in sex.
- Makes excuses for not spending time alone with you.
- Acts unusually guilty when you do something nice for him/her.
- Quits complimenting you on your physical attractiveness.
- Stops saying, “I love you,” and even acts rudely to you.
- Starts buying you gifts to ease his or her guilt.
Many factors can drive a marriage to the rocks. Help ensure an enriching relationship for a lifetime by taking steps today to guard your marriage.
How to Avoid an Affair
What can spouses do to safeguard their marriage? In his book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, Dr. Willard Harley says that the marriages most susceptible to infidelity are those where one or both spouses fail to meet their spouse’s primary needs. For wives, those needs are affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial commitment, and family commitment. Husbands’ primary needs are sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support, and admiration.
If you’ve only reached the point of temptation but haven’t acted on it yet, make changes in your life so that it doesn’t go any further. Here are some ideas on how to avoid an affair:
- Avoid spending time alone with people of the opposite sex. If you struggle with fantasizing about a sexual relationship with a particular person, stay away from the temptation by staying away from that person.
- Refuse to act on (or even reveal) feelings of attraction to someone other than your spouse. Don’t share details of your marriage relationship—particularly problems—with a member of the opposite sex.
- Avoid outside influences and environments—such as business parties and private lunches, especially where drinking is involved—that could encourage infidelity.
- Make your spouse your top priority. Talk about problems and concerns and work through them together. Get joint counseling to help if necessary. If your spouse is angry or won’t go to counseling, go by yourself. As he or she sees changes in you, your spouse might soften.
- Change your attitude about your marriage. See it as a commitment that can’t be broken. Love flourishes in a relationship where there is complete trust, respect, and acceptance. Have fun with your spouse. Date each other again. How would you treat that person differently if you were trying to win his or her affections for the first time?
If You Are in an Affair and Want Out
While it won’t be easy, your marriage may be able to survive an affair if you work at it.
- Ask for forgiveness from your spouse. Keep in mind that when you confess your affair to your spouse, it might be a big relief to you, but it will be just the beginning of the heartache, pain, and distrust for him or her. It may take years of counseling and work to regain that person’s trust. While you’ll want to move on, seeking forgiveness is more than a one-time act; for your spouse to grant you forgiveness is certainly a long process. You can’t try to rush through the emotional healing process.
- Don’t be afraid to seek help and support. Get counseling from a minister or a professional counselor who can help you work through issues of lying, betrayal, mistrust, etc.
- Change your environment if necessary. If the affair happened at work, as hard as it is to take this step, maybe you need to find a different job. If it happened with a neighbor, maybe you need to move.
The good news is that infidelity doesn’t have to be a marriage killer. When couples are determined to work through the pain of adultery, to end the affair, to forgive, and to seek counseling, their unions can often be restored. It is possible to recover from an affair.
If Your Spouse Is Having an Affair
After discovering that your spouse has been unfaithful, you’ll likely experience a torrent of conflicting emotions. Here are some important things to keep in mind as you sort through your feelings.
- Don’t give in to the extremes of “love-hate” feelings. Don’t immediately demand a divorce. Instead, affirm your desire to do whatever it takes to rebuild a healthy, vibrant marriage.
- Don’t give in to the extremes of “all my fault” or “all your fault” thinking. Don’t insist on knowing why your spouse has been having an affair. Instead, ask if he or she is willing to start over.
- At this point, you need to turn to others who can help you. Don’t ask a mutual friend or relative. Instead, ask an objective party who is in a position to help. That person might be an experienced senior pastor, certified Christian counselor, or respected marriage ministry.
- Cling to the promise that—with God’s help—even the most broken marriage can be saved.
- Remember, nobody wakes up one day and suddenly decides to have an extramarital affair. A person has been unfaithful in heart and mind long before he or she begins an affair.
- Be patient. It takes time to begin to rebuild trust, love and commitment.
The post How to Avoid or End an Affair appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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