- Dec 20, 2019
- 3,772
- 115
Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
I stood in line to board the airplane, wondering if I should say something to the woman behind me whose conversation I could hear. As a social researcher, I often overhear strangers wondering about a question I’ve studied: Why do men do that? Most of the time, I resist the urge to chime in and remind them to be kind.
But this day was different. The woman was desperate, telling her colleague she was considering divorce because anything had to be better than what she had now. She detailed her husband’s poor financial decisions, how he “refused to get along” with her mother, and the fact that he rarely did chores. When her colleague mentioned that he probably couldn’t do many chores because he traveled for work, the unhappy wife said, “Exactly. I feel like a single mom.”
The conversation led me to quietly pray, Lord, do I say something?
God worked it out. The woman, who I will call Andrea, was seated next to me on the plane. As we conversed, it was easy to share the results of my recent research with her. I told her what I had found: If you want a great marriage, be kind.
It sounds simple, but kindness is transformative. It can revolutionize a marriage.
Kindness doesn’t just mean being “nice” to your husband. It means being positive, affirming, and generous to and about him. Especially when you feel like none of the above or when you don’t ‘get’ him.
In my research study for my latest book, The Kindness Challenge, I found that a great way to apply kindness to your marriage includes doing three things for 30 days:
When you do all three of these things on a daily basis, you may find that as your words and actions change, your feelings will, as well. You’ll want to be more kind.
I stared at Jeff as he stalked away from the television, tense and upset. We had been married seven days. And the University of Colorado had, after playing a lackluster game, suddenly beaten Jeff’s beloved Michigan Wolverines.
For Jeff (although I didn’t realize it at the time), this was a tragic end to his dream that his alma mater might win the national championship. For me, it was just a football game. Why couldn’t he snap out of it? Surely, if he loved me…
Jesus said, ” ‘The two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one” (Mark 10:8). The process reminds me of the two-part reactive adhesives used by homebuilders. Mixed together, two very different elements undergo a chemical reaction that permanently bonds their molecules to form an entirely new product.
Yet permanently bonded doesn’t mean “indestructible.” God’s exhortations on how to treat one’s spouse are designed to prevent imperfect men and women from destroying the union that God created.
When a couple’s differences threaten marital harmony, it is easy to wonder: How on earth can that man and I really become one? Rather than losing heart, discover a new perspective through the following life-changing truths:
When you’re upset with your husband, it is easy to assume his way is wrong. That’s sure what I was thinking on that alarming honeymoon evening! Although your husband must learn to manage his responses well, you will enjoy him more when you learn to respect his feelings. It’s essential that wives trust God’s design for their men and believe the best rather than think the worst.
By building up your other half, you are becoming a selfless spouse. You may also find that your affirmations and kindness help him become the man you need him to be. Honest affirmation can make your marriage great.
The problem for most of us is that we think we’re already doing pretty well by our spouse. We truly don’t realize just how unkind we can be.
As I cataloged the types of negativity that hurt relationships, I found that the list included all sorts of “little” actions. Behaviors such as:
It’s likely that nothing is more vital for your husband than to feel that you respect, trust, and admire him. While saying “I love you” may come naturally for wives, demonstrating that love may not. Consider the following ways to show your love through respect:
As Andrea thought about what we discussed, she realized just how often she spoke negatively about her husband to her friends or colleagues. She then understood that far from getting negative feelings off her chest, her words had actually reinforced those feelings. Andrea considered how big a difference it would make in her marriage if she refused to complain about her husband and instead focused on what she appreciated. And then she admitted to having a tendency to believe the worst about her husband’s intentions, acknowledging that he probably would love to get along with her mom, but it was hard when they had so little time together.
Andrea pondered, “How could my marriage not be in trouble when I have been so focused on the negative? I never thought of that as being unkind.”
In my studies, a massive 89 percent of those who worked on the three aspects of kindness for 30 days reported that their marriages improved. None of them did it perfectly—but they did it.
I was proud of Andrea—this total stranger—for being willing to honestly evaluate her actions. If we all had that kind of willingness, we might see the difference a little kindness can make in marriage.
The post How To Be Kind to Your Husband (Even When You Don’t ‘Get’ Him) appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
I stood in line to board the airplane, wondering if I should say something to the woman behind me whose conversation I could hear. As a social researcher, I often overhear strangers wondering about a question I’ve studied: Why do men do that? Most of the time, I resist the urge to chime in and remind them to be kind.
But this day was different. The woman was desperate, telling her colleague she was considering divorce because anything had to be better than what she had now. She detailed her husband’s poor financial decisions, how he “refused to get along” with her mother, and the fact that he rarely did chores. When her colleague mentioned that he probably couldn’t do many chores because he traveled for work, the unhappy wife said, “Exactly. I feel like a single mom.”
The conversation led me to quietly pray, Lord, do I say something?
God worked it out. The woman, who I will call Andrea, was seated next to me on the plane. As we conversed, it was easy to share the results of my recent research with her. I told her what I had found: If you want a great marriage, be kind.
It sounds simple, but kindness is transformative. It can revolutionize a marriage.
What does it mean to be kind?
Kindness doesn’t just mean being “nice” to your husband. It means being positive, affirming, and generous to and about him. Especially when you feel like none of the above or when you don’t ‘get’ him.
In my research study for my latest book, The Kindness Challenge, I found that a great way to apply kindness to your marriage includes doing three things for 30 days:
- Say nothing negative about your spouse—either to him or about him.
- Find at least one attribute or behavior you can appreciate about your husband, and tell him and someone else.
- Do a small act of kindness or generosity.
When you do all three of these things on a daily basis, you may find that as your words and actions change, your feelings will, as well. You’ll want to be more kind.
How to be kind when you don’t ‘get’ your husband
I stared at Jeff as he stalked away from the television, tense and upset. We had been married seven days. And the University of Colorado had, after playing a lackluster game, suddenly beaten Jeff’s beloved Michigan Wolverines.
For Jeff (although I didn’t realize it at the time), this was a tragic end to his dream that his alma mater might win the national championship. For me, it was just a football game. Why couldn’t he snap out of it? Surely, if he loved me…
Can two really become one?
Jesus said, ” ‘The two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one” (Mark 10:8). The process reminds me of the two-part reactive adhesives used by homebuilders. Mixed together, two very different elements undergo a chemical reaction that permanently bonds their molecules to form an entirely new product.
Yet permanently bonded doesn’t mean “indestructible.” God’s exhortations on how to treat one’s spouse are designed to prevent imperfect men and women from destroying the union that God created.
When a couple’s differences threaten marital harmony, it is easy to wonder: How on earth can that man and I really become one? Rather than losing heart, discover a new perspective through the following life-changing truths:
1. The way he is wired is legitimate.
When you’re upset with your husband, it is easy to assume his way is wrong. That’s sure what I was thinking on that alarming honeymoon evening! Although your husband must learn to manage his responses well, you will enjoy him more when you learn to respect his feelings. It’s essential that wives trust God’s design for their men and believe the best rather than think the worst.
2. Meeting his needs is good for both of you.
By building up your other half, you are becoming a selfless spouse. You may also find that your affirmations and kindness help him become the man you need him to be. Honest affirmation can make your marriage great.
But I’m already kind
The problem for most of us is that we think we’re already doing pretty well by our spouse. We truly don’t realize just how unkind we can be.
As I cataloged the types of negativity that hurt relationships, I found that the list included all sorts of “little” actions. Behaviors such as:
- expressing exasperation
- venting about him to someone else
- assuming hurtful intent
- speaking in a tone of voice that you would never use with a friend
- giving the cold shoulder in bed when you know he wants to be intimate
Being kind and showing love through respect
It’s likely that nothing is more vital for your husband than to feel that you respect, trust, and admire him. While saying “I love you” may come naturally for wives, demonstrating that love may not. Consider the following ways to show your love through respect:
- Trust him. A critical “What was he thinking?” implies, “He wasn’t thinking.” Just because his judgment is different than yours doesn’t mean it is wrong.
- Accept him. He may not always do the chores or help with the kids in the same way that you would, but accepting him and responding to his mistakes with grace will free him to want to help you again.
- Affirm him. Focusing on what is worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8) will brighten your day—and light him up!
The difference that being kind makes
As Andrea thought about what we discussed, she realized just how often she spoke negatively about her husband to her friends or colleagues. She then understood that far from getting negative feelings off her chest, her words had actually reinforced those feelings. Andrea considered how big a difference it would make in her marriage if she refused to complain about her husband and instead focused on what she appreciated. And then she admitted to having a tendency to believe the worst about her husband’s intentions, acknowledging that he probably would love to get along with her mom, but it was hard when they had so little time together.
Andrea pondered, “How could my marriage not be in trouble when I have been so focused on the negative? I never thought of that as being unkind.”
In my studies, a massive 89 percent of those who worked on the three aspects of kindness for 30 days reported that their marriages improved. None of them did it perfectly—but they did it.
I was proud of Andrea—this total stranger—for being willing to honestly evaluate her actions. If we all had that kind of willingness, we might see the difference a little kindness can make in marriage.
The post How To Be Kind to Your Husband (Even When You Don’t ‘Get’ Him) appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
