- Dec 20, 2019
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Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
Once you’re a parent, you’re a parent for life. No matter how old they are, your kids are still your kids. As a parent, you rejoice with every high and your try to comfort and encourage in every low. So when your children experience the death of a loved one, you grieve with them — especially when that person is their other parent.
In our case, the mother of my children was no longer my spouse. I didn’t want divorce, and yet it happened. And now the wife of my youth and the mother of my three children had passed. She was far too young — and now our children were experiencing the grief that many people experience much later in life.
I desperately needed God’s help — and the help of others — to be there for my kids in this delicate and yet vitally important time.
Someone once said that grief is the price we pay for having loved. Everyone grieves – and it’s important to understand that grief is different for everyone. As we help our children walk through their loss, one of the most valuable truths we can convey is to not let someone else tell them that they’re not grieving the proper way.
Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, author of The Mourner’s Bill of Rights, explains that “you have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in the exact same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.”[1]
In his book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, David Kessler agrees, writing: “Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint.”[2]
Some well — meaning friends or relatives can actually make the grieving process more difficult by trying to convince us that we are either “grieving wrong” or “taking too long to grieve.” We can help our children by letting them know that their grief process is their own personal experience. There is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a parent.
We can also let our kids know that though we may also be grieving, we are there for them — at any hour, day or night.
“…what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed,” Kessler adds. “That doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.”[3]
The temptation is to help “fix” the problem. Grief can’t be “fixed,” it can only be experienced. So it’s best to just be there for your grieving children, letting them know that they are loved and that you are present.
Abraham Lincoln had known the grief of losing a parent, having lost his mother unexpectedly when he was only nine-years-old. Later he lost his only sister, Sarah, in childbirth. He lost his son, Eddie at 3-years-old, and his son, Willie at 11. When he heard of the death of a friend from Illinois, William McCullough, he reached out with a letter to comfort and encourage his daughter, Fanny.
“It is with deep grief that I learn of the death of your kind and brave Father,” Lincoln wrote, “and, especially, that it is affecting your young heart beyond what is common in such cases. In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all; and, to the young, it comes with bitterest agony, because it takes them unawares. The older have learned to ever expect it.”
“I am anxious to afford some alleviation of your present distress. Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better. Is not this so? And yet it is a mistake. You are sure to be happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will make you some less miserable now. I have had experience enough to know what I say; and you need only to believe it, to feel better at once. The memory of your dear Father, instead of an agony, will yet be a sad sweet feeling in your heart, of a purer and holier sort than you have known before.”[4]
As Lincoln explained to his young friend, the feelings of grief become less intense over time — though they never leave you completely. We can help our children to be prepared that the feelings of grief will ebb and flow as life goes on, but the memory of our loved ones remains sweet.
Another important thing you can do to help your children is to encourage them to work through any unfinished business with their deceased parent. They can do this by meeting with a counselor, a pastor, or a trusted friend. They may want to write a letter to their parent to help work through feelings of loss or forgiveness.
You can also encourage your kids to find ways to remember their parent in special ways. If they are open to your involvement, work with them to create new family traditions, special rituals, or some sort of bereavement ceremony.
Here are some other practical steps to recommend to your kids in the grieving process:
Did you ever wonder why we call God’s grace, ‘Amazing?’ Throughout their lives, I’ve shared with my kids stories where it seemed like we were between a rock and a hard place with no way out. Somehow in those difficult times, something happened to help us make it through. Sometimes it even seemed miraculous. It was always ‘amazing,’ I explained.
I’d remind my kids again and again that it was God’s grace that saw us through those difficult seasons.
Since the passing of their mother, we’ve reminded each other of the blessing of God’s amazing grace. We’ve encouraged one another to rely on God’s strength, peace, and presence. And we’ve reminded each other that we will always be there for each other – because as a family, that is what we do.
[1] Wolfelt, Alan D., The Mourner’s Bill of Rights. www.centerforloss.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/MBR.pdf
[2] Kessler, David, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. www.goodreads.com/quotes/10094565-each-person-s-grief-is-as-unique-as-their-fingerprint-but
[3] Ibid.
[4][4] Lincoln, Abraham, quoted in Stevenson, J. “The Sorrow of Abraham Lincoln,” Journeys Through Grief, www.journeysthroughgrief.com/the-sorrow-of-abraham-lincoln/.
The post How to Comfort Grown Children Grieving a Parent appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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Once you’re a parent, you’re a parent for life. No matter how old they are, your kids are still your kids. As a parent, you rejoice with every high and your try to comfort and encourage in every low. So when your children experience the death of a loved one, you grieve with them — especially when that person is their other parent.
In our case, the mother of my children was no longer my spouse. I didn’t want divorce, and yet it happened. And now the wife of my youth and the mother of my three children had passed. She was far too young — and now our children were experiencing the grief that many people experience much later in life.
I desperately needed God’s help — and the help of others — to be there for my kids in this delicate and yet vitally important time.
Working Through Grief
Someone once said that grief is the price we pay for having loved. Everyone grieves – and it’s important to understand that grief is different for everyone. As we help our children walk through their loss, one of the most valuable truths we can convey is to not let someone else tell them that they’re not grieving the proper way.
Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, author of The Mourner’s Bill of Rights, explains that “you have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in the exact same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.”[1]
In his book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, David Kessler agrees, writing: “Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint.”[2]
Some well — meaning friends or relatives can actually make the grieving process more difficult by trying to convince us that we are either “grieving wrong” or “taking too long to grieve.” We can help our children by letting them know that their grief process is their own personal experience. There is no right or wrong way to grieve the loss of a parent.
We can also let our kids know that though we may also be grieving, we are there for them — at any hour, day or night.
“…what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed,” Kessler adds. “That doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.”[3]
The temptation is to help “fix” the problem. Grief can’t be “fixed,” it can only be experienced. So it’s best to just be there for your grieving children, letting them know that they are loved and that you are present.
Lincoln on Grief
Abraham Lincoln had known the grief of losing a parent, having lost his mother unexpectedly when he was only nine-years-old. Later he lost his only sister, Sarah, in childbirth. He lost his son, Eddie at 3-years-old, and his son, Willie at 11. When he heard of the death of a friend from Illinois, William McCullough, he reached out with a letter to comfort and encourage his daughter, Fanny.
“It is with deep grief that I learn of the death of your kind and brave Father,” Lincoln wrote, “and, especially, that it is affecting your young heart beyond what is common in such cases. In this sad world of ours, sorrow comes to all; and, to the young, it comes with bitterest agony, because it takes them unawares. The older have learned to ever expect it.”
“I am anxious to afford some alleviation of your present distress. Perfect relief is not possible, except with time. You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better. Is not this so? And yet it is a mistake. You are sure to be happy again. To know this, which is certainly true, will make you some less miserable now. I have had experience enough to know what I say; and you need only to believe it, to feel better at once. The memory of your dear Father, instead of an agony, will yet be a sad sweet feeling in your heart, of a purer and holier sort than you have known before.”[4]
As Lincoln explained to his young friend, the feelings of grief become less intense over time — though they never leave you completely. We can help our children to be prepared that the feelings of grief will ebb and flow as life goes on, but the memory of our loved ones remains sweet.
Practical Advice for Grieving
Another important thing you can do to help your children is to encourage them to work through any unfinished business with their deceased parent. They can do this by meeting with a counselor, a pastor, or a trusted friend. They may want to write a letter to their parent to help work through feelings of loss or forgiveness.
You can also encourage your kids to find ways to remember their parent in special ways. If they are open to your involvement, work with them to create new family traditions, special rituals, or some sort of bereavement ceremony.
Here are some other practical steps to recommend to your kids in the grieving process:
- See a counselor who specializes in grief therapy.
- Keep a journal to work through emotions and other aspects of grief.
- Consider joining a grief support group.
- Be aware of your physical and emotional limits during the grieving process.
- Plan ahead to pace yourself through special days like birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays.
- Brainstorm ways that you as a family — or as individuals — can do something special to remember the lost parent.
- Work together as a family to search for meaning in the midst of loss.
Receiving God’s Amazing Grace
Did you ever wonder why we call God’s grace, ‘Amazing?’ Throughout their lives, I’ve shared with my kids stories where it seemed like we were between a rock and a hard place with no way out. Somehow in those difficult times, something happened to help us make it through. Sometimes it even seemed miraculous. It was always ‘amazing,’ I explained.
I’d remind my kids again and again that it was God’s grace that saw us through those difficult seasons.
Since the passing of their mother, we’ve reminded each other of the blessing of God’s amazing grace. We’ve encouraged one another to rely on God’s strength, peace, and presence. And we’ve reminded each other that we will always be there for each other – because as a family, that is what we do.
[1] Wolfelt, Alan D., The Mourner’s Bill of Rights. www.centerforloss.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/MBR.pdf
[2] Kessler, David, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. www.goodreads.com/quotes/10094565-each-person-s-grief-is-as-unique-as-their-fingerprint-but
[3] Ibid.
[4][4] Lincoln, Abraham, quoted in Stevenson, J. “The Sorrow of Abraham Lincoln,” Journeys Through Grief, www.journeysthroughgrief.com/the-sorrow-of-abraham-lincoln/.
The post How to Comfort Grown Children Grieving a Parent appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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