Estimated reading time: 9 minutes
Is your teen on the track to a meaningful future? Are you finding out what a joy it can be to help make the most of how God has wired him or her?
Many of us want to help our teens dream big, fulfilling, God-honoring dreams. But how do we do that?
The first step is to understand the great experiment known as your teen. In all of human history, there’s never been another person with your teen’s exact mix of God-given personality, talents, interests and spiritual gifts. As the two of you get to know that unique wiring through self-tests like the ones in the book Wired by God, you’ll start to see which kinds of dreams might make a good fit.
Here are some questions you can use anytime to find out how God has wired your young person:
And this one from Doug Fields, a youth pastor: “If you could design a specific way to serve God and knew you wouldn’t fail, what would you do?”
Remember that your purpose is to listen and learn, to better understand and appreciate your teen’s uniqueness. This is not the time for lectures and advice. Figuratively speaking, you need to have big ears and a small mouth, tough skin and a tender heart.
Another way to learn by questioning is to talk with others in your teen’s life: teachers, youth group leaders, coaches, school counselors, Scout leaders, Sunday school teachers, parents of close friends. Ask what they’ve observed about your child’s likes and dislikes, interests and passions, abilities and aptitudes.
Often these people will confirm your own observations. Sometimes, though, they’ll describe a side of your teen that you hadn’t noticed — or offer an insight you’d overlooked.
Here’s a way to help your teen pinpoint his or her interests and natural abilities. Give your teen these instructions:
On a piece of paper, list the things you’ve done since the fourth grade. We’re talking about academics, sports, social events, the arts, student government, hobbies, interaction with family and friends, personal adventures, youth activities, socials, special events, camps, worship, leadership, volunteer work, mission trips, “helping out,” clubs, service projects, job duties, volunteer or assigned tasks, and chores.
You don’t have to compile your whole list at once. Allow two or three weeks, adding to it as new memories come to mind. If you don’t know whether to include something in the list, go ahead and put it down anyway.
Now give each activity a positive or a negative rating. How did it turn out? How did it affect you?
After several days, pull your worksheet out and think again about the events to which you gave a negative value. Look for patterns. For example, if events connected with mechanical things (fixing the car, building something, helping with props at the school play) consistently ended in disaster, you’re probably not the mechanical type.
Now move to the positive side of the worksheet. Ask yourself the questions below as you look over those events.
One of your tasks as a parent is to create a home full of green lights; to support your teen’s interests – in academics, sports, music, church or community service, the arts, technology, cars or whatever. This support takes the form of time (attending sporting events or science fairs, for example), effort (helping your teen practice the sport or build the science project), money (for lessons, supplies and equipment), and encouragement.
Peers are not nice to each other. Many teens are catty; they cut and they gossip. They don’t encourage each other to pursue meaningful goals. If a teen and her dreams are like a steam engine that needs to have coal shoveled into the boiler every day to keep running, peers are often coal thieves. They steal that source of energy with their snide, envious remarks. But we parents can supply every day the coal – true, sincere encouragement – that will fuel our teens’ fire.
During the day, raided by negative peers, negative coaching, negative teachers and a negative school environment, a kid runs out of coal. His little bank of confidence burns up. But a parent has a chance to spend the evening with a child. At the dinner table, out shooting baskets, helping with homework, before bed, the parent has lots of opportunities to praise.
Some parents assume their opinions no longer matter to their teens. It’s true that peers are of great importance to teens as they establish their individuality and prepare for independence. But all teens – including yours – still long to be loved and affirmed by Mom and Dad. No one else’s praise and support means more.
When it comes to encouragement, the more frequent and specific the better. That’s why, at our Kanakuk football camps each summer, we make it our goal to encourage each teen by name 10 times a day. We want every kid to hear his name – and something specific that he’s doing well – at least that often. Some of our kids will start in Division I, and some will never put on a helmet in a college game – but they all walk away from 26 days of Kanakuk feeling as if they can run through buildings.
If he’s running the ropes – an agility drill – a camper will hear things like “Great job with your knees, Bill! Your eyes are up perfect! Great quick feet, Bill!”
A guy running sprints will hear “Way to sprint, John!” or “Super job, John! Great backward run!”
Those things may sound tiny. But when a kid hears them 10 times or more a day, every day, with his name attached, he begins to believe in himself.
What works with adolescents at Kanakuk football camps will work with our teens at home. The more we encourage them, and the more specific our praises are, the more coal we’ll provide for their boilers.
If your teen is a budding artist, for instance, your comments might include things like “I love your way with colors, Mary.” or “That fruit in your picture looks so vivid, I’d like to grab it and take a bite, Kevin.” or “The combination of textures in your sculpture is fascinating, Sue. I could look at it over and over and see something different in it every day.”
A teen who gets that kind of encouragement will keep pursuing her dreams.
If we want our teens to be dreamers – to picture and pursue a challenging and fulfilling future – we need to be (or become) blue-sky thinkers ourselves.
No matter what we say, our children usually imitate what they see us do. If you’re a dreamer, your teen is likely to be a dreamer. If you believe God has plans for using your time and talents, if you’re serving Him regularly in your church and community, if you’re open to things like short-term missions trips or even a change in careers as He might lead – then your teen is apt to believe and do the same kinds of things.
This is an influence that no one but you (and your spouse, if you’re married) as a parent can wield.
Have you stopped dreaming? That’s easy to do when you’re raising a family and established in a career – one that perhaps pays the bills but doesn’t satisfy. It’s easy to stop picturing and planning for a brighter future other than eventual retirement. It’s easy to fall into a rut, a mindset often labeled “being realistic.” But if we do that, and stay stuck there, our children are likely to imitate us and to think and live in ruts as well.
If we want our teens to be dreamers – to picture and pursue a challenging and fulfilling future – we need to be (or become) blue-sky thinkers ourselves. We need to believe that whatever our lives have held so far, God isn’t through with us yet. He still wants to work in and through us, to challenge us, and to bring us meaning by employing our unique blend of talents, gifts and interests. If we believe that blue skies lie ahead – that life is still full of possibilities and opportunities provided by a loving heavenly Father – then our teens will believe it, too.
Steve and Donna Thurman found out how true this is. The popular founding pastor and his wife of a large and growing church in Colorado, they might have stayed comfortably and indefinitely on the beautiful Front Range. God, however, had wired them differently and had a new dream for them.
As Steve explained in his sermon announcing their intention to leave, God made some people to be pioneers and others to be settlers. He and Donna were pioneers, he said, and God had been growing in them the dream of moving halfway around the world to help develop church leaders in the spiritually needy land of New Zealand. It was time for them to take the first steps of faith leading Down Under.
Years later, Steve and Donna can see how their willingness to dream and pursue big things for God affected their own teenagers: “Today our kids – the two youngest, anyway – are ‘adventurers’ by nature and by the fact that they’ve followed us around for over 20 years and seen that ‘traveling light’ and chasing dreams and taking risks are all ‘the way to go.’ ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ they ask. Not much, except that you’ll have some great memories and some stories to tell and some new friends you’ve met along the way. To the kids, God is big – a lot bigger than the fear of taking risks and making changes.”
You don’t have to become a missionary and move 8,000 miles to be a blue-sky thinker. But you do need to remain open to the possibility – and demonstrate it to your teen – that God may want to use you and your family in new and exciting ways in the future.
The post How To Encourage and Motivate Your Teen appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
Is your teen on the track to a meaningful future? Are you finding out what a joy it can be to help make the most of how God has wired him or her?
Many of us want to help our teens dream big, fulfilling, God-honoring dreams. But how do we do that?
The first step is to understand the great experiment known as your teen. In all of human history, there’s never been another person with your teen’s exact mix of God-given personality, talents, interests and spiritual gifts. As the two of you get to know that unique wiring through self-tests like the ones in the book Wired by God, you’ll start to see which kinds of dreams might make a good fit.
Your teen’s basic bent
Here are some questions you can use anytime to find out how God has wired your young person:
- “What really drives you?”
- “What’s the most fun you’ve ever had helping someone else?”
- “What dreams do you think God has given you?”
- “What can you do that most people can’t?”
- “What ability would you most like to develop? Why?”
- “If God hired you for a summer job, what would you hope it would be? Why?”
And this one from Doug Fields, a youth pastor: “If you could design a specific way to serve God and knew you wouldn’t fail, what would you do?”
Remember that your purpose is to listen and learn, to better understand and appreciate your teen’s uniqueness. This is not the time for lectures and advice. Figuratively speaking, you need to have big ears and a small mouth, tough skin and a tender heart.
Another way to learn by questioning is to talk with others in your teen’s life: teachers, youth group leaders, coaches, school counselors, Scout leaders, Sunday school teachers, parents of close friends. Ask what they’ve observed about your child’s likes and dislikes, interests and passions, abilities and aptitudes.
Often these people will confirm your own observations. Sometimes, though, they’ll describe a side of your teen that you hadn’t noticed — or offer an insight you’d overlooked.
Your teen’s interests and passions
Here’s a way to help your teen pinpoint his or her interests and natural abilities. Give your teen these instructions:
On a piece of paper, list the things you’ve done since the fourth grade. We’re talking about academics, sports, social events, the arts, student government, hobbies, interaction with family and friends, personal adventures, youth activities, socials, special events, camps, worship, leadership, volunteer work, mission trips, “helping out,” clubs, service projects, job duties, volunteer or assigned tasks, and chores.
You don’t have to compile your whole list at once. Allow two or three weeks, adding to it as new memories come to mind. If you don’t know whether to include something in the list, go ahead and put it down anyway.
Now give each activity a positive or a negative rating. How did it turn out? How did it affect you?
After several days, pull your worksheet out and think again about the events to which you gave a negative value. Look for patterns. For example, if events connected with mechanical things (fixing the car, building something, helping with props at the school play) consistently ended in disaster, you’re probably not the mechanical type.
See the positives
Now move to the positive side of the worksheet. Ask yourself the questions below as you look over those events.
- “Is there a pattern or anything these events have in common?”
- “Are some of the activities things I’d like to pursue more?”
- “How can I begin doing more of these kinds of activities?”
- “What kinds of qualities, talents, character traits and skills do these activities require?”
- “Do I have some of those qualities and traits?”
- “Are any circumstances or events missing from my worksheet? If so, what are they, and why might they be missing?”
- “Are there any activities I’ve never done before, but I’d like to try?”
One of your tasks as a parent is to create a home full of green lights; to support your teen’s interests – in academics, sports, music, church or community service, the arts, technology, cars or whatever. This support takes the form of time (attending sporting events or science fairs, for example), effort (helping your teen practice the sport or build the science project), money (for lessons, supplies and equipment), and encouragement.
Provide daily encouragement
Peers are not nice to each other. Many teens are catty; they cut and they gossip. They don’t encourage each other to pursue meaningful goals. If a teen and her dreams are like a steam engine that needs to have coal shoveled into the boiler every day to keep running, peers are often coal thieves. They steal that source of energy with their snide, envious remarks. But we parents can supply every day the coal – true, sincere encouragement – that will fuel our teens’ fire.
During the day, raided by negative peers, negative coaching, negative teachers and a negative school environment, a kid runs out of coal. His little bank of confidence burns up. But a parent has a chance to spend the evening with a child. At the dinner table, out shooting baskets, helping with homework, before bed, the parent has lots of opportunities to praise.
Some parents assume their opinions no longer matter to their teens. It’s true that peers are of great importance to teens as they establish their individuality and prepare for independence. But all teens – including yours – still long to be loved and affirmed by Mom and Dad. No one else’s praise and support means more.
Run through buildings
When it comes to encouragement, the more frequent and specific the better. That’s why, at our Kanakuk football camps each summer, we make it our goal to encourage each teen by name 10 times a day. We want every kid to hear his name – and something specific that he’s doing well – at least that often. Some of our kids will start in Division I, and some will never put on a helmet in a college game – but they all walk away from 26 days of Kanakuk feeling as if they can run through buildings.
If he’s running the ropes – an agility drill – a camper will hear things like “Great job with your knees, Bill! Your eyes are up perfect! Great quick feet, Bill!”
A guy running sprints will hear “Way to sprint, John!” or “Super job, John! Great backward run!”
Those things may sound tiny. But when a kid hears them 10 times or more a day, every day, with his name attached, he begins to believe in himself.
What works with adolescents at Kanakuk football camps will work with our teens at home. The more we encourage them, and the more specific our praises are, the more coal we’ll provide for their boilers.
If your teen is a budding artist, for instance, your comments might include things like “I love your way with colors, Mary.” or “That fruit in your picture looks so vivid, I’d like to grab it and take a bite, Kevin.” or “The combination of textures in your sculpture is fascinating, Sue. I could look at it over and over and see something different in it every day.”
Help your teen to dream
A teen who gets that kind of encouragement will keep pursuing her dreams.
If we want our teens to be dreamers – to picture and pursue a challenging and fulfilling future – we need to be (or become) blue-sky thinkers ourselves.
No matter what we say, our children usually imitate what they see us do. If you’re a dreamer, your teen is likely to be a dreamer. If you believe God has plans for using your time and talents, if you’re serving Him regularly in your church and community, if you’re open to things like short-term missions trips or even a change in careers as He might lead – then your teen is apt to believe and do the same kinds of things.
This is an influence that no one but you (and your spouse, if you’re married) as a parent can wield.
Have you stopped dreaming? That’s easy to do when you’re raising a family and established in a career – one that perhaps pays the bills but doesn’t satisfy. It’s easy to stop picturing and planning for a brighter future other than eventual retirement. It’s easy to fall into a rut, a mindset often labeled “being realistic.” But if we do that, and stay stuck there, our children are likely to imitate us and to think and live in ruts as well.
If we want our teens to be dreamers – to picture and pursue a challenging and fulfilling future – we need to be (or become) blue-sky thinkers ourselves. We need to believe that whatever our lives have held so far, God isn’t through with us yet. He still wants to work in and through us, to challenge us, and to bring us meaning by employing our unique blend of talents, gifts and interests. If we believe that blue skies lie ahead – that life is still full of possibilities and opportunities provided by a loving heavenly Father – then our teens will believe it, too.
Adventure forth
Steve and Donna Thurman found out how true this is. The popular founding pastor and his wife of a large and growing church in Colorado, they might have stayed comfortably and indefinitely on the beautiful Front Range. God, however, had wired them differently and had a new dream for them.
As Steve explained in his sermon announcing their intention to leave, God made some people to be pioneers and others to be settlers. He and Donna were pioneers, he said, and God had been growing in them the dream of moving halfway around the world to help develop church leaders in the spiritually needy land of New Zealand. It was time for them to take the first steps of faith leading Down Under.
Years later, Steve and Donna can see how their willingness to dream and pursue big things for God affected their own teenagers: “Today our kids – the two youngest, anyway – are ‘adventurers’ by nature and by the fact that they’ve followed us around for over 20 years and seen that ‘traveling light’ and chasing dreams and taking risks are all ‘the way to go.’ ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’ they ask. Not much, except that you’ll have some great memories and some stories to tell and some new friends you’ve met along the way. To the kids, God is big – a lot bigger than the fear of taking risks and making changes.”
You don’t have to become a missionary and move 8,000 miles to be a blue-sky thinker. But you do need to remain open to the possibility – and demonstrate it to your teen – that God may want to use you and your family in new and exciting ways in the future.
The post How To Encourage and Motivate Your Teen appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...