Living with relatives.

[wish4purpose]

Hello, God bless. My name is Wendy. I am 22yrs old and have been married 2yrs. For the most part we have been happy, although i became close to God through Christ around the same time we got married and he did not. Its hard sometimes but so far we have managed. One of our major issues is having always lived with relatives our whole marriage. First I moved into his home, where he was living taking care of his mother and sister. Then we moved into my parents home because his sister was "moving out" of their home and we didnt see the sense in staying in a 4bed room paying to much money, for only 3 people. His mother ended up moving in with her brother pretty far away, and his sister moved in with her boyfriend for a while. Eventually she moved in with us at my parents home. Long story short, we moved out of my parents home, and have been living in OUR first home for the last 4months. His sister has been living with us from the start and his mother always seems to find her way back to living with us as she has no job or aspirations... She was with us the first 3mnths but i finally put my foot down and she moved away again, i dont know how long that will last. Now i'm dealing with living with his sister. Although she does contribute to the bills, it is very little and really at this point im ready to live with my husband alone.

Not only are we unable to save money, we both work all the time, and i feel as though we are taking care of a child (his sister). She is 21 and perfectly capable of taking care of herself, but i know she wont as long as we are enabling her. I have brought this up to my husband SEVERAL times and he feels i'm being harsh because she has no were else to go. Its causing unwanted stress on ME, and i dont see it ending anytime soon. I dont want this to come in between my husband and i more then it already has. And i dont want to be harsh with a relative but I feel i'm being taken advantage of.. I dont feel i should need anymore reason then simply wanting to live alone with my husband for the first time in two years. But he isnt helping.. and i've never gotten close with his sister, not for lack of trying, so i cant comfortably speak with her directly...

I dont know what to do, i feel i'll end up the "bad guy" no matter what i do. I've prayed no stop and have faith, but i need to hear the right way of explaining to her that i need her to grow up so my husband and i can grow in our marriage.

 

[handy]

The conversation you need to have isn't with your s-i-l... it's with your husband. He has failed to do the number one, first thing God commands every husband to do... leave his parents (in this case his mother and I'm sure that his mom plays a guilt trip on him if little sis has to move out of your home) and cleave to his wife.

Obviously, his failure to leave has interfered greatly with his ability to cleave to you.

You aren't going to be able to control whom he says to let into your home. You can control where you live. Since no kids are in the picture yet (and make sure, darn darn darn darn sure you DON'T get pregnant until this gets resolved) you might want to try for a temporary separation with him. Tell him that you love him very much and that you want to be a true wife for him, but until he respects your needs about whom will live in your home... and places your needs above those of his mom's and his sister's... it will be very hard to work things out.

You are being totally disrespected, but you already knew that. If your husband cannot respect you and your need to be the wife in your home, then your marriage will continue to have troubles. Perhaps, if it is brought home to him that it really does come down to his making a choice between you living with him or them living with him, he might realize that he needs to step up and start putting your needs first.

I say this with the understanding that there is no reason why the mother and the sister cannot support themselves or move in with each other. If there is a valid reason why either truly cannot support themselves... mental issues, handicaps etc.... then naturally the situation is far more complicated. But, just going by what you've shared, your needs trump theirs.

Easy enough for us to agree about... the real problem though will be getting him to see it. Hopefully, he'll realize what a position he's put you in if you stop making it easy for him to cave to his mom and sister.

If he doesn't, the you will probably need to go to a solid Christian marriage counselor to see if your marriage can be salvaged.

I hope you have good birth control or the self control to remain abstinent until this gets worked out, because bringing children into the mix at this time will be a huge problem.

btw... I say all of this even though my husband and I will be more than willing to allow our children to stay with us for as long as they ever need to... and my own parents allowed my married siblings to move in with them when necessary. Sometimes life does indeed throw curveballs... however, this doesn't sound like curveballs as much as a mom and sister who have found it very easy to live off of son's/brother's inability to say no and the whole lot of them being more than willing to show you no respect whatsoever.

 

[abide]

Hello, God bless. My name is Wendy. I am 22yrs old and have been married 2yrs. For the most part we have been happy, although i became close to God through Christ around the same time we got married and he did not. Its hard sometimes but so far we have managed. One of our major issues is having always lived with relatives our whole marriage. First I moved into his home, where he was living taking care of his mother and sister. Then we moved into my parents home because his sister was "moving out" of their home and we didnt see the sense in staying in a 4bed room paying to much money, for only 3 people. His mother ended up moving in with her brother pretty far away, and his sister moved in with her boyfriend for a while. Eventually she moved in with us at my parents home. Long story short, we moved out of my parents home, and have been living in OUR first home for the last 4months. His sister has been living with us from the start and his mother always seems to find her way back to living with us as she has no job or aspirations... She was with us the first 3mnths but i finally put my foot down and she moved away again, i dont know how long that will last. Now i'm dealing with living with his sister. Although she does contribute to the bills, it is very little and really at this point im ready to live with my husband alone.

Not only are we unable to save money, we both work all the time, and i feel as though we are taking care of a child (his sister). She is 21 and perfectly capable of taking care of herself, but i know she wont as long as we are enabling her. I have brought this up to my husband SEVERAL times and he feels i'm being harsh because she has no were else to go. Its causing unwanted stress on ME, and i dont see it ending anytime soon. I dont want this to come in between my husband and i more then it already has. And i dont want to be harsh with a relative but I feel i'm being taken advantage of.. I dont feel i should need anymore reason then simply wanting to live alone with my husband for the first time in two years. But he isnt helping.. and i've never gotten close with his sister, not for lack of trying, so i cant comfortably speak with her directly...

I dont know what to do, i feel i'll end up the "bad guy" no matter what i do. I've prayed no stop and have faith, but i need to hear the right way of explaining to her that i need her to grow up so my husband and i can grow in our marriage.

Your sister in law is old enough to get an apartment of her own. Living with relatives is not easy, and perhaps your husband can have a chat with her.
If your sister in law continues to receive this help throughout life she will never be able to manage on her own. It is time that she realise what her true responsibilities are. Do hope your husband understand what you are dealing with and begin to let his sister see what is happening. He seems to be a nice man but at times even relatives can take advantage of goodness. Hope all works well.

 

[duari91]

The conversation you need to have isn't with your s-i-l... it's with your husband. He has failed to do the number one, first thing God commands every husband to do... leave his parents (in this case his mother and I'm sure that his mom plays a guilt trip on him if little sis has to move out of your home) and cleave to his wife.

Obviously, his failure to leave has interfered greatly with his ability to cleave to you.

You aren't going to be able to control whom he says to let into your home. You can control where you live. Since no kids are in the picture yet (and make sure, darn darn darn darn sure you DON'T get pregnant until this gets resolved) you might want to try for a temporary separation with him. Tell him that you love him very much and that you want to be a true wife for him, but until he respects your needs about whom will live in your home... and places your needs above those of his mom's and his sister's... it will be very hard to work things out.

You are being totally disrespected, but you already knew that. If your husband cannot respect you and your need to be the wife in your home, then your marriage will continue to have troubles. Perhaps, if it is brought home to him that it really does come down to his making a choice between you living with him or them living with him, he might realize that he needs to step up and start putting your needs first.

I say this with the understanding that there is no reason why the mother and the sister cannot support themselves or move in with each other. If there is a valid reason why either truly cannot support themselves... mental issues, handicaps etc.... then naturally the situation is far more complicated. But, just going by what you've shared, your needs trump theirs.

Easy enough for us to agree about... the real problem though will be getting him to see it. Hopefully, he'll realize what a position he's put you in if you stop making it easy for him to cave to his mom and sister.

If he doesn't, the you will probably need to go to a solid Christian marriage counselor to see if your marriage can be salvaged.

I hope you have good birth control or the self control to remain abstinent until this gets worked out, because bringing children into the mix at this time will be a huge problem.

btw... I say all of this even though my husband and I will be more than willing to allow our children to stay with us for as long as they ever need to... and my own parents allowed my married siblings to move in with them when necessary. Sometimes life does indeed throw curveballs... however, this doesn't sound like curveballs as much as a mom and sister who have found it very easy to live off of son's/brother's inability to say no and the whole lot of them being more than willing to show you no respect whatsoever.

I agree with some of this...Except for the separation part. A husband and wife are supposed to work together, for better or for worse. Especially the worse. Separation will only create massive resentment, and while it may get him to see the light, it will create more issues than what it will fix.

My wife separated with me over two years ago. All that did was ruin the barrier of trust, create resentment, and destroyed my respect for her. The right way would be to gently, respectfully talk to him about this. While at the same time being serious. If he loves her, he will recognize what has been said, and change it. If he doesn't change it, she may as well divorce (as bad as that may seem), because separation will lead to much of the same.

To gain respect, one must earn it. Fighting fire with fire must not be used here.

 

[handy]

My advice was based upon three things:

One, Wendy has said that she has spoken to her husband several times already.... so it seems as if he is already in the place of not listening to her.

Second, separation had a bad effect on your marriage, but it led to the salvation of my own parents marriage. They separated for awhile when I was in high school... but it led to rebuilding their marriage with some counseling. They went on to celebrate 55 years together before Dad passed away.

Perhaps when your wife separated from you, she hadn't already talked with you, tried to work with you, was unwilling to try counseling.. etc. If she hadn't, I can certainly understand why you would feel the lack of trust and resentment that you do. Hopefully, you have worked through this with her.

But Wendy has already tried talking to her husband and he is simply turning things back onto her, calling her harsh, not helping her in anyway and allowing the situation to remain in spite of her repeated insistence that his sister move out.

Husbands and wives are supposed to work together... but it goes both ways. Wendy is trying to get her husband to work with her and he isn't doing so.

Third... the fact is, the longer they live together, unhappily and not alone, the more likely a child will enter the picture. If they cannot work out this situation now, then the odds are very much that the child will eventually grow up in a broken home. While divorce is always a bad thing, it's much, much worse when it involves children. If this marriage cannot be saved, then better to face that reality now than later when kid's are going to be hurt.

 

[eduardo]

theres a very simple salution and you had mentioned it. BE THE BAD GUY! If your husband doesn't back you up then your marriage will fail hard. As christians our responsibility is huge when we see disorder/disfunction. This doen't mean start arguments but stress reasoning and probability. In other words what will happen if she doesn't get her act together and how it will fall hard on you and hubby. I was in a simular situation where my stepbrother had to go. My girlfriend at the time wasn't haven it But I stressed the consequences if he stays and told her it'll be all on you. And then I put a lock on the frig. He was greatly discouraged and finally left. years later he thank me for that becuase he would've never found himself otherwise. Enabeling is a serious delema for relatives who still like to be pacified. Take away their bottle and they have no chioce but to get it together. Stand your ground. It'll be a storm before the weather clears.

 

[handy]

Spoken like a true man, Eduardo!

However, as a woman, Wendy might find it harder. She can be the "bad guy" all she wants... if her husband continues to support his mother and sister over and above her, nothing will change for her, because nobody will really listen to her.

 

[eduardo]

Spoken like a true man, Eduardo!

However, as a woman, Wendy might find it harder. She can be the "bad guy" all she wants... if her husband continues to support his mother and sister over and above her, nothing will change for her, because nobody will really listen to her.

I agree. Its more difficult for a woman to have say over a man if he's stubborn. But if she stresses the probable outcome, it'll show itself. And then she will be heard. Patience plays a strong role here. After I warned someone of something only time will tell, no what I mean? Like God does with us. We don't fully believe all the bible says until its proven or our understandings are experienced. Then as we do today we go and warn others who don't know. Its on them now, our job is done.