Long time partners, unmarried- advice needed

[Andrea]

Hi,

I'm a new Christian who's been with my partner for 15 years. Neither of us felt the need to marry but we have a strong bond, love each other very much, are best friends and have two children together.

The bible say's that sexual relationships between unmarried couples is a sin and this really worries me.My partner is a non Christian and has no desires to marry so, how can i continue with this relationship if it's sinful against god, but how can i also leave someone who's my very best friend, the father of my children and the only person i ever want to be with? I know he doesn't want to marry and i really don't know what to do.

Any advice?
Thank you

 

[handy]

Hi Andrea,

Wow, you are in a real situation here.

One thing the Scriptures tell us is that if a believer is married to an unbeliever and the unbeliever wants to stay married, then the believer is to stay.

I believe that in most places, if you are with someone for 15 years, you would have what is known as a "common law" marriage...just as legally binding as if you were married.

I advise checking out your legal situation. If your partner were to leave you after 15 years, would the state require that it be handled like a divorce, arrange custody, dissolution of property etc.? If he were to die, would the state treat you as next of kin?

If so, then you are in fact "married" according to the state and your culture...and that would fulfill God's commandments as well. (It would be different if you were only together 15 months instead of 15 years.)

It would be good for you to check into these things...just in case he does die...where would you stand?

As long as the state regards you as married and he wants you to stay...stay!

However, if the state does not look upon you as a couple...if he could walk out and leave you without any legal ramifications, if he were to die, the state would look to his parents or closest sibling as next of kin, then you aren't married according to state and culture...and then your situation is a little altered.

If this is the case...then you might approach him with the legal ramifications for you and your kids if something were to happen to him and you also should approach him with the issue of "Honey, I know it doesn't mean a lot to you...but as a Christian it's so very important to me...can we do this for me?"

If you will be left in a legal limbo as an unmarried person if something were to happen to him, and if he is unwilling to even discuss marriage to you as something vital for you and your faith...then I think a discussion of leaving the arrangement is in order.

But, if you are "married" in the eyes of the state...relax, God will honor your marriage as a marriage.

Frankly, after 15 years, you've been more "married" than a lot of those who "marry" with a big church wedding, white dress and "vows" before God that neither had any intention of holding to once things got rough!

 

[Andrea]

Hi and thank you so much for your reply.

I would only marry if it was required by god, otherwise it doesn't bother me.

I understand what you're saying about if he were to die and where would that leave me and the children but he has already drawn up a will to secure me and my childrens future. As for next of kin...I always thought the children would be considered his next of kin?? our oldest child is nearly 15 years old and, hopefully, will be an adult before anything were to happen to either of us.

You've put my mind at rest regarding the length of time we've been together and that being considered a marriage in gods eyes.
My partner was my first relationship
In that time, we've seen many of our friends marriages break down, some are on second marriages with relationships in between.

Thanks again x

 

[WIP]

Hi and thank you so much for your reply.

I would only marry if it was required by god, otherwise it doesn't bother me.

It is isn't it?



Please forgive me for this observation but I find it a little peculiar that anyone could live together in a committed monogamous relationship for 15 years and still have second thoughts and no desire to get married. I would be wondering what the hang-up was.

I have more questions about this but I don’t want to take this thread off topic so I will create a new thread in the Apologetics Q&A forum titled, “Common Law vs. God’s Lawâ€. I invite you to follow.

 

[handy]

I'll check out your thread WIP

I don't think that Christians should go the "common law" route...but in your case, Andrea, you're a new Christian and have been married according to common law for many years to an unbeliever who wants you to stay. Therefore you should stay.

Otherwise, I'm with WIP...if a Christian is refusing to marry, that's a red flag.

 

[HisSheep]

Handy's advice is spot on…

WIP, it sounds like the fellow just doesn't care what "God" or "the State" has to say on the matter. He likely feels that his word of commitment is enough. With all of the failing Christian marriages as a back-drop, he has ample reason to feel that way.

Andrea, the testimony of your behavior may well be what God uses to bring the stubborn man in your life to faith…

-HisSheep

 

[JohnEboy1983]

As a believer myself, if I saw another believer unmarried with an unbeliever living together just as married couples do, that would cause me to stumble. I am sorry but there is a difference from legally being married from common law. Anyways, I do respect and honor your conviction on the matter and asking advice. I personally would not wreck my testimony though, unless you want to try to explain your situation to every christian and unchristian individual who knows you are are a christian and he is not and that you both live together unmarried, and even then people will raise eyebrows. Maybe I am the only one here who thinks its not ok, everybody else seems to think its acceptable though. I dont think it matters how long two people been together whether its 1 year or 20 years. I can understand where there is no way to be legally married in the case of Adam and Eve or other circumstances where both want to be married but are somehow unable, but when there is every opportunity out there and he doesnt want to be married, then you both arent no different then other couples who just live together and others who live together unmarried live together in sin. Its as simple as that. If not I would like to know the time frame where God finally considers it to not be sinful and considers you to be married and not in sin.