Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
There are so many feelings surrounding your upcoming wedding, aren’t there? Of course, you feel excited for your new life with the one you love. But you likely also harbor a little dread or even fear about this huge life change you’re about to make. There are so many pros and cons about marriage to sift through, and so many things to prepare for.
It would be so much easier if you knew what to expect.
You know what you hope for, but people keep giving you pessimistic advice and warnings about your upcoming marriage, which can be disheartening and confusing. If you want an accurate idea of not only the dangers, pitfalls, and cons of marriage but also its pros, joys, and blessings, then this article is a good place to start. Be sure to check out Focus on the Family’s marriage articles for a deeper dive into this topic.
The best thing you can do is anticipate problems and try to solve them before they occur. You do this when you go to your doctor for a physical exam. And you do this when you take your car in for a tune-up. So why not try a little marital troubleshooting?
Unfortunately, many young people think marriage will solve problems as if saying “I do” is a magical cure. But the opposite is true. Marriage only intensifies existing problems. That’s why it’s best to identify potential problems ahead of time.
Here are four ways to do that:
Each partner carries into marriage a huge bag full of expectations. Men and women assume things will transpire just the way they imagine: “We will visit my family each Christmas,” “My husband will be home every evening,” “My wife will have a hot, four-course meal on the table when I come home.”
Expectations are usually formed by what you observed in your home while growing up. But your spouse’s family may have been much different than your own. Just because your dad helped wash the dishes doesn’t mean your husband will want to. If your mother kept an immaculate house, don’t assume your wife will be as committed to cleanliness.
If your expectations differ, conflict will result. So the more you discuss your expectations ahead of time, the better your chances of blending together happily.
Many young couples believe a happy marriage has no conflict. Not so! Disagreements, hassles, and conflicts are inevitable—they will happen. Happily married couples are those who have learned to resolve conflict through communication, negotiation, compromise, and sacrifice.
Conflicts must be resolved for a relationship to survive. Burying your hurts and struggles is like carrying around a sack of rocks. Every new hurt you stuff becomes another rock you drag around. Eventually, the load becomes too heavy and the relationship falls apart.
Resolving conflict is hard work. I’m the kind of person who’s comfortable when everybody’s happy. For me, it’s only the commitment to my mate that keeps me working. I’ve learned that for the sake of my marriage I have to face conflicts, not run from them.
Most states require a premarital blood test, which detects certain diseases. Even if it’s not required, it’s wise to get a check-up and tests if you or your spouse-to-be have been sexually active. If a sexually transmitted disease does exist, your doctor will explain the ramifications and treatment. Your physician can also discuss birth control options if you plan to delay having children.
Many people are afraid of counseling, believing it means they’re sick or have something terribly wrong. However, many people seek a counselor to help avoid problems. And that’s especially important for marriage. A trained expert can point out problems that may arise and guide you toward resolutions.
Get the Workbook
I heard about an 18-year-old boy who married in a formal church wedding. For his big day, he decked out in a rented tuxedo and shoes. All went well until the couple was heading out the door, about to leave the wedding reception. The groom’s mother, afraid he would not remember to return the shoes with the tux, yelled across the room, “Don’t forget to take your shoes off!”
Yes, it seems at wedding time everybody wants to give you some kind of advice—and not just about the wedding night. In fact, if you plan to get married, chances are someone has asked you, “Do you really know what you’re doing?”
Well, I’m not going to ask you that, because I’m already confident you don’t. Now, I’m not trying to put you down, but I’ve counseled enough engaged and married couples to realize you simply can’t know all that’s involved. There are so many pros and cons in marriage that you ought to consider and prepare for.
You have no idea of the possibilities for real joy and completeness you might experience in marriage. Just watching a sunset together, walking in the woods, or listening to your favorite song will take on new meaning. You can reasonably expect a life partner out of this marriage—that comes with your marriage vows. I’m excited for you as you stand on the threshold of this remarkable journey!
But you also may not understand all the dangers involved:
The pros and cons of marriage can feel overwhelming. How can you avoid the problems that commonly end relationships? And how do you prepare for that quickly approaching wedding day?
What does it take to build a fulfilling, lasting marriage?
There are many principles that, if practiced, can help you build a solid marital foundation. Here are four of those key principles:
“Commitment” is not a popular word in our culture. Our society emphasizes individual rights, personal freedom, and mobility. The idea of giving these up because of dedication to another person or loyalty to a relationship makes a lot of people feel trapped.
But I don’t think you can have it both ways. You can’t build a divorce-proof marriage and remain unbending toward your personal rights. That doesn’t mean you give up all your freedoms or choices, but it does mean your commitment to the relationship supersedes your individual rights.
Commitment means putting your spouse’s needs above your own. Studies show that the best indicator of marital well-being is how well each partner feels his or her needs are being met. I’ve found that when I focus only on my needs and forget about my wife, I tend to get irritated and disappointed. I may even begin to imagine how much better off I’d be with a different wife. On the other hand, I feel satisfied when I focus on my wife’s needs and how I can creatively meet them.
Someone once said, “Communication is to love as blood is to the body.” Take the blood out of the body and it dies. Take communication away and a relationship dies.
The kind of communication I’m talking about isn’t just exchanging information; it’s sharing feelings, hurts, joys. That means getting below the surface and examining the hows and whys of daily life.
But it’s not easy since men and women are different in this area. Research makes it clear that women have greater linguistic abilities than men. Simply stated, she talks more than he. As an adult, she typically expresses her feelings and thoughts far better than her husband and is often irritated by his reluctance to talk. Every knowledgeable marriage counselor will tell you that the inability or unwillingness of husbands to reveal their feelings is one of the chief complaints of wives.
Like conflict resolution, communication is a learned skill—and it’s often hard work. Time must be reserved for meaningful conversations. Taking walks and going out for dinner are conversation inducers that keep love alive.
We live in an instant world—fast food, cash machines, computer access to information, and instant communication all over the world.
The problem is we can’t heat up a marriage in the microwave. Relationships just don’t work that way. Marriage, especially takes time and care to become really beautiful. That means learning patience.
When you put two people—any two—in the same house, you’re going to have irritations and annoyances. There are times when I think God designed marriage just to teach me patience. My wife doesn’t always respond like I wish she would. And she still expects me to pick up my dirty clothes, be on time for dinner, and remember her birthday. You’d think that after 30 years of marriage, she would have given up on me. In the meantime, I’m considering humoring her a little. Recently I even put my underwear on the floor next to the laundry hamper. I wonder how she’s doing with patience.
Beyond the day-to-day quirks and foibles you must accept, patience is needed for the long haul. It may take years for you to develop the kind of relationship that’s satisfying to both of you. A lot of people don’t have the patience to wait around for things to evolve. But if you’re willing to sit tight and hang in there, your marriage can be fantastic.
We’re more than a bundle of feelings and physical sensations. There is an inner core of our being, an eternal part of who we are, that represents the deepest, most permanent aspect of marriage.
Research shows that couples with strong religious beliefs are far more likely to stay together than those without them. It’s the shared morals and values that hold a husband and wife together. This solid foundation is a fortress against the storms of life.
For my wife and me, our Christian faith has been the bedrock of our relationship. In our 30-plus years of marriage, we have consistently turned to the Bible for direction, guidance and comfort.
The post Marriage Preparation 101: Creating the Foundations of a Lifelong Marriage appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
There are so many feelings surrounding your upcoming wedding, aren’t there? Of course, you feel excited for your new life with the one you love. But you likely also harbor a little dread or even fear about this huge life change you’re about to make. There are so many pros and cons about marriage to sift through, and so many things to prepare for.
It would be so much easier if you knew what to expect.
You know what you hope for, but people keep giving you pessimistic advice and warnings about your upcoming marriage, which can be disheartening and confusing. If you want an accurate idea of not only the dangers, pitfalls, and cons of marriage but also its pros, joys, and blessings, then this article is a good place to start. Be sure to check out Focus on the Family’s marriage articles for a deeper dive into this topic.
4 Things To Do Before the Wedding Day
The best thing you can do is anticipate problems and try to solve them before they occur. You do this when you go to your doctor for a physical exam. And you do this when you take your car in for a tune-up. So why not try a little marital troubleshooting?
Unfortunately, many young people think marriage will solve problems as if saying “I do” is a magical cure. But the opposite is true. Marriage only intensifies existing problems. That’s why it’s best to identify potential problems ahead of time.
Here are four ways to do that:
1. Thoroughly Discuss Your Expectations
Each partner carries into marriage a huge bag full of expectations. Men and women assume things will transpire just the way they imagine: “We will visit my family each Christmas,” “My husband will be home every evening,” “My wife will have a hot, four-course meal on the table when I come home.”
Expectations are usually formed by what you observed in your home while growing up. But your spouse’s family may have been much different than your own. Just because your dad helped wash the dishes doesn’t mean your husband will want to. If your mother kept an immaculate house, don’t assume your wife will be as committed to cleanliness.
If your expectations differ, conflict will result. So the more you discuss your expectations ahead of time, the better your chances of blending together happily.
2. Learn to Resolve Conflicts
Many young couples believe a happy marriage has no conflict. Not so! Disagreements, hassles, and conflicts are inevitable—they will happen. Happily married couples are those who have learned to resolve conflict through communication, negotiation, compromise, and sacrifice.
Conflicts must be resolved for a relationship to survive. Burying your hurts and struggles is like carrying around a sack of rocks. Every new hurt you stuff becomes another rock you drag around. Eventually, the load becomes too heavy and the relationship falls apart.
Resolving conflict is hard work. I’m the kind of person who’s comfortable when everybody’s happy. For me, it’s only the commitment to my mate that keeps me working. I’ve learned that for the sake of my marriage I have to face conflicts, not run from them.
3. Go See Your Doctor
Most states require a premarital blood test, which detects certain diseases. Even if it’s not required, it’s wise to get a check-up and tests if you or your spouse-to-be have been sexually active. If a sexually transmitted disease does exist, your doctor will explain the ramifications and treatment. Your physician can also discuss birth control options if you plan to delay having children.
4. Get Premarital Counseling
Many people are afraid of counseling, believing it means they’re sick or have something terribly wrong. However, many people seek a counselor to help avoid problems. And that’s especially important for marriage. A trained expert can point out problems that may arise and guide you toward resolutions.
Ready to Wed
Did you know couples are 30 percent less likely to get a divorce if they get some sort of premarital training? If you or someone you know is planning to marry, check out Focus on the Family's Ready to Wed curriculum, and then prepare for a marriage you'll love!Get the Workbook
The Pros and Cons of Marriage
I heard about an 18-year-old boy who married in a formal church wedding. For his big day, he decked out in a rented tuxedo and shoes. All went well until the couple was heading out the door, about to leave the wedding reception. The groom’s mother, afraid he would not remember to return the shoes with the tux, yelled across the room, “Don’t forget to take your shoes off!”
Yes, it seems at wedding time everybody wants to give you some kind of advice—and not just about the wedding night. In fact, if you plan to get married, chances are someone has asked you, “Do you really know what you’re doing?”
Well, I’m not going to ask you that, because I’m already confident you don’t. Now, I’m not trying to put you down, but I’ve counseled enough engaged and married couples to realize you simply can’t know all that’s involved. There are so many pros and cons in marriage that you ought to consider and prepare for.
You have no idea of the possibilities for real joy and completeness you might experience in marriage. Just watching a sunset together, walking in the woods, or listening to your favorite song will take on new meaning. You can reasonably expect a life partner out of this marriage—that comes with your marriage vows. I’m excited for you as you stand on the threshold of this remarkable journey!
But you also may not understand all the dangers involved:
- Roughly 50% of marriages dissolve.
- 5% of people marry three or more times.
- Children whose parents have divorced, particularly women, have a much higher chance of getting divorced themselves than children of intact families.
The Foundations of a Lifelong Marriage
The pros and cons of marriage can feel overwhelming. How can you avoid the problems that commonly end relationships? And how do you prepare for that quickly approaching wedding day?
What does it take to build a fulfilling, lasting marriage?
There are many principles that, if practiced, can help you build a solid marital foundation. Here are four of those key principles:
1. Commitment
“Commitment” is not a popular word in our culture. Our society emphasizes individual rights, personal freedom, and mobility. The idea of giving these up because of dedication to another person or loyalty to a relationship makes a lot of people feel trapped.
But I don’t think you can have it both ways. You can’t build a divorce-proof marriage and remain unbending toward your personal rights. That doesn’t mean you give up all your freedoms or choices, but it does mean your commitment to the relationship supersedes your individual rights.
Commitment means putting your spouse’s needs above your own. Studies show that the best indicator of marital well-being is how well each partner feels his or her needs are being met. I’ve found that when I focus only on my needs and forget about my wife, I tend to get irritated and disappointed. I may even begin to imagine how much better off I’d be with a different wife. On the other hand, I feel satisfied when I focus on my wife’s needs and how I can creatively meet them.
2. Communication
Someone once said, “Communication is to love as blood is to the body.” Take the blood out of the body and it dies. Take communication away and a relationship dies.
The kind of communication I’m talking about isn’t just exchanging information; it’s sharing feelings, hurts, joys. That means getting below the surface and examining the hows and whys of daily life.
But it’s not easy since men and women are different in this area. Research makes it clear that women have greater linguistic abilities than men. Simply stated, she talks more than he. As an adult, she typically expresses her feelings and thoughts far better than her husband and is often irritated by his reluctance to talk. Every knowledgeable marriage counselor will tell you that the inability or unwillingness of husbands to reveal their feelings is one of the chief complaints of wives.
Like conflict resolution, communication is a learned skill—and it’s often hard work. Time must be reserved for meaningful conversations. Taking walks and going out for dinner are conversation inducers that keep love alive.
3. Patience
We live in an instant world—fast food, cash machines, computer access to information, and instant communication all over the world.
The problem is we can’t heat up a marriage in the microwave. Relationships just don’t work that way. Marriage, especially takes time and care to become really beautiful. That means learning patience.
When you put two people—any two—in the same house, you’re going to have irritations and annoyances. There are times when I think God designed marriage just to teach me patience. My wife doesn’t always respond like I wish she would. And she still expects me to pick up my dirty clothes, be on time for dinner, and remember her birthday. You’d think that after 30 years of marriage, she would have given up on me. In the meantime, I’m considering humoring her a little. Recently I even put my underwear on the floor next to the laundry hamper. I wonder how she’s doing with patience.
Beyond the day-to-day quirks and foibles you must accept, patience is needed for the long haul. It may take years for you to develop the kind of relationship that’s satisfying to both of you. A lot of people don’t have the patience to wait around for things to evolve. But if you’re willing to sit tight and hang in there, your marriage can be fantastic.
4. Strong Beliefs
We’re more than a bundle of feelings and physical sensations. There is an inner core of our being, an eternal part of who we are, that represents the deepest, most permanent aspect of marriage.
Research shows that couples with strong religious beliefs are far more likely to stay together than those without them. It’s the shared morals and values that hold a husband and wife together. This solid foundation is a fortress against the storms of life.
For my wife and me, our Christian faith has been the bedrock of our relationship. In our 30-plus years of marriage, we have consistently turned to the Bible for direction, guidance and comfort.
The post Marriage Preparation 101: Creating the Foundations of a Lifelong Marriage appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...