Hello,
I have recently met the most wonderful woman whom I am deeply in love with; however, she doubts that I am truly saved, and is repeatedly "testing" me, and pushing me away whenever she feels that we are becoming too dependent upon each other instead of God.
She is from a much more rigorous and formal Christian upbringing than myself. She quotes scripture in almost everything she does, and the depth of her knowledge and faith is breathtaking.
I was brought up in a Christian household and have had a personal relationship with God and Jesus since I was a young boy. I am also a scientist. I lead a team professional software developers, some of whom have doctorates from top universities. The staple of my professional life is based upon logic, best practice and rigorous methodical thinking.
This is not to say that the two things are in any way at odds, but over the past few years I have failed to seek Christ, and I have leant upon my scientific knowledge rather than my faith. And it has withered somewhat as a consequence. It is still there, and it is still alive, but it is nothing like the all-encompassing faith that my Girlfriend possesses.
Another thing that further complicates the situation is this: discipline comes easily to me, yet, despite her unshakable faith and incredible biblical knowledge, it does not come easily to her. Despite the fact that she is the most incredibly beautiful woman I have ever know (she literally looks like a model), I am the one that must draw the line at kisses and hugs in our physical relationship.
Now, please don't misunderstand me: I am the first to acknowledge that it is not through good works that we come to God, but through His grace. And if I examine myself closely, perhaps it is a calculated decision that I choose to draw the line. I would have her as my wife, and I believe she would never choose me as her husband if I could not demonstrate this control. One thing I am good at, and I thank God for this, is planning for the future and delaying gratification.
However, this discrepancy makes it that much more frustrating when she pushes me away (I don't mean physically) and says that she doubts our relationship because of my immaturity as a Christian. For example, the day after a wonderful evening together in which we both enjoyed each others company greatly and confessed our love for each other, she was burdened by guilt and worry that we were putting our love for each other above God. And this stemmed from some comment I had made about doubting her literal interpretation of the Old Testament.
But then, maybe she is absolutely justified. I had turned my back on God over the past few years, and it is something that I am deeply sad and sorry about. Since meeting her, I have been drawn so much closer to God. I have done everything to seek him, and I worship God for the gift of meeting her.
Yet even so, I am prone to self examination. Hypocrisy is something that I detest, and yet I have seen it in myself many times. Are my reasons for seeking God ulterior? Am I doing it as a means to win the affection of a breathtakingly beautiful woman?
I have already resolved to continue to seek God, whatever happens between us. But even this could be ulterior - the calculating part of my brain may have made this choice so that if I find myself in a similar situation in the future, I am not judged to be lacking.
The other day she accused me of staring at other woman as we walked around town, something that I vehemently defended as it was simply false. It caused me to seriously doubt her, as I'm not sure what chance I have in a relationship when, not only am I being judged for my known deficiencies, I am also being accused of things that I am innocent of.
I have of course forgiven her, and I do understand her need to "test" me. She has her priorities right: she is looking for someone who puts God first, and that is not something I have been doing over the past few years. However, I do also believe that some of her guilt and insecurities are unjustified.
We resolved not to communicate at all for a few days and to seek Gods advice. That is what I am doing here.
God Bless,
J.
I have recently met the most wonderful woman whom I am deeply in love with; however, she doubts that I am truly saved, and is repeatedly "testing" me, and pushing me away whenever she feels that we are becoming too dependent upon each other instead of God.
She is from a much more rigorous and formal Christian upbringing than myself. She quotes scripture in almost everything she does, and the depth of her knowledge and faith is breathtaking.
I was brought up in a Christian household and have had a personal relationship with God and Jesus since I was a young boy. I am also a scientist. I lead a team professional software developers, some of whom have doctorates from top universities. The staple of my professional life is based upon logic, best practice and rigorous methodical thinking.
This is not to say that the two things are in any way at odds, but over the past few years I have failed to seek Christ, and I have leant upon my scientific knowledge rather than my faith. And it has withered somewhat as a consequence. It is still there, and it is still alive, but it is nothing like the all-encompassing faith that my Girlfriend possesses.
Another thing that further complicates the situation is this: discipline comes easily to me, yet, despite her unshakable faith and incredible biblical knowledge, it does not come easily to her. Despite the fact that she is the most incredibly beautiful woman I have ever know (she literally looks like a model), I am the one that must draw the line at kisses and hugs in our physical relationship.
Now, please don't misunderstand me: I am the first to acknowledge that it is not through good works that we come to God, but through His grace. And if I examine myself closely, perhaps it is a calculated decision that I choose to draw the line. I would have her as my wife, and I believe she would never choose me as her husband if I could not demonstrate this control. One thing I am good at, and I thank God for this, is planning for the future and delaying gratification.
However, this discrepancy makes it that much more frustrating when she pushes me away (I don't mean physically) and says that she doubts our relationship because of my immaturity as a Christian. For example, the day after a wonderful evening together in which we both enjoyed each others company greatly and confessed our love for each other, she was burdened by guilt and worry that we were putting our love for each other above God. And this stemmed from some comment I had made about doubting her literal interpretation of the Old Testament.
But then, maybe she is absolutely justified. I had turned my back on God over the past few years, and it is something that I am deeply sad and sorry about. Since meeting her, I have been drawn so much closer to God. I have done everything to seek him, and I worship God for the gift of meeting her.
Yet even so, I am prone to self examination. Hypocrisy is something that I detest, and yet I have seen it in myself many times. Are my reasons for seeking God ulterior? Am I doing it as a means to win the affection of a breathtakingly beautiful woman?
I have already resolved to continue to seek God, whatever happens between us. But even this could be ulterior - the calculating part of my brain may have made this choice so that if I find myself in a similar situation in the future, I am not judged to be lacking.
The other day she accused me of staring at other woman as we walked around town, something that I vehemently defended as it was simply false. It caused me to seriously doubt her, as I'm not sure what chance I have in a relationship when, not only am I being judged for my known deficiencies, I am also being accused of things that I am innocent of.
I have of course forgiven her, and I do understand her need to "test" me. She has her priorities right: she is looking for someone who puts God first, and that is not something I have been doing over the past few years. However, I do also believe that some of her guilt and insecurities are unjustified.
We resolved not to communicate at all for a few days and to seek Gods advice. That is what I am doing here.
God Bless,
J.
