M
music_eaze
Guest
Introduction
Today I feel a strong need to record my thoughts not only for myself, but also for others who find themselves in a similar situation. I have recently fallen into a troubling time in my life involving the separation from a loved one. I have searched for answers and comfort in people, online, and in books (not of the biblical nature), but I have noticed one commonality in all sources; no source I could find provided me with an all encompassing answer, merely a few pieces of a larger puzzle I feel I was meant to place together. More importantly, I found it difficult to obtain any information that was directed at men. My hopes of writing this prayer and letter is to reach out to men and share with them the pieces of the puzzle that I have completed, but of course this information can be beneficial to all who read, both male and female.
I say I have not found my answer in any books that were not of a biblical nature because it was in the Holy words themselves that I found the answer, waiting for me to understand their meaning. For those who have taken the time to read the Bible, he or she knows that much of God’s words are written through the eyes of the writer or a close friend. For those who haven’t yet picked up God’s word, now is a great time to start the beautiful story of salvation. How wise our Lord is to understand that the best method of teaching is through example by personal experience. Such is how I choose to write my letter and prayer. I feel like by sharing my own personal experience as an example, I stand as a more knowledgeable writer whose message is much stronger. Because this is truly my personal experience I also write this letter as a prayer; one I offer up to God who I have such faith will prevail over my troubles. Now I begin this letter with my own personal story, so that I may build upon it, all that the Lord has taught me.
My Story
My story begins with my earlier life, one without the Lord. I was born and baptized as a Catholic Christian. As I grew up I joined my family in attending church and in prayer, but I noticed something was missing from my spirituality. During the early years of my high school education I started turning away from God because of this missing piece, but I did not know what it was. I discovered this missing piece as I entered the Confirmation phase of my spirituality; personal choice. While most people would find Confirmation to be a great milestone in a young adult’s life, it had the opposite effect on me and I turned completely away from God.
For those who do not know, Confirmation is meant to be a ritual in a young adult’s life when they make the personal choice to pursue their faith with increased interest. We can almost view this as a second baptism, one that is much stronger and deeper because it is the choice of the individuals themselves to receive such an affirmation. Such was not my experience! I was forced to get confirmed; I attended a private Catholic school and I was told that if I did not receive Confirmation, I would be taken out of the school and away from all my friends. Although my parents only wished what was best for me, this did not sit well with my young and rebellious mind. It became my breaking point and my last straw, no longer did I have any interest in spirituality, but rather viewed it as a chore or a forced labor I could not escape. I realized that all my life I was forced to be baptized, forced to attend church, forced to pray, and forced to get confirmed. I did not want to participate in anything that was not fully my decision. I will always remember the sad day when I argued with my parents about my disinterest in attending church. I remember saying, “as soon as I get to college, I will NEVER AGAIN go to church†(Fortunately for me this was incorrect, but we will get there shortly).
Just as I had promised I entered college and immediately stopped attending church. I felt so free and so in control of my belief system now. No longer was anyone telling me that I had to attend services or that I had to pray or that I had to believe. Looking back now I am so thankful for Gods infinite love, because without it I would have been lost. What I mean by this is that although I turned away from God, he did not turn from me, and always left me a little trail of bread crumbs to find my way back to him.
Now I feel that I must explain my trail of breadcrumbs or my story loses meaning. I find myself a person full of passion, the definition of a hopeless romantic, and someone who seeks above all other earthly possessions to be in the presence of a great love (only later did I understand that a love for God needed to come before this great love). As we all are a creation of the Lord, he knows each and every intimate detail that dwells deep within our hearts:
“And even the very hairs on your head are all numbered.â€
Matthew 10:30 (NIV)
God knows me, His creation, and knew that through my passion would I find his light once again. Thinking about this right now, I feel like I always knew that even when I did turn away from His Light. Although a man alone who did not walk in the Light, I still never fully forgot God. I still prayed, but only for one thing:
“Lord, you know how important finding my wife and beloved is to me in life. God, please find me a woman with a strong and confident soul who can lead me back to You and Your Church. The day that a woman enters my life that has the strength and patience to turn me back to Your Light, I will see that as a sign and I will know that she is meant to be my bride.â€
Kind of a silly prayer, right? Some people pray for health, or wealth, or wisdom, or even a closer connection with God, and here I am praying to find a wife? But still I said this prayer every now and then to myself with hopeful optimism that my God was listening.
Four long years of college, several women entered my life and exited just as quickly. Only one or two women even attempted to bring me to church, but all gave up and we knew it was not meant to be. It was not until my fifth year in college, my victory lap that something strange occurred. Could this be her? Could God have actually been listening even though I had turned so far off his path?
This girl had first spoken to me during freshmen orientation. We had young crushes on each other and tried to date until she realized that I was not quite ready in my life to settle down. I must admit, that for the four years of college, whether with girl or not, I would occasionally find myself checking her facebook page in hopes to find the word ‘single’ by her relationship status.
I will always remember one night early during my fifth year in college. I was up late, 2:30 am and was watching television and sitting on facebook chat. I saw her name pop up and found myself timidly typing ‘hello.’ While waiting for her response, I quickly checked her relationship status; not single. She responded and as we talked I could sense that she was troubled. I inquired what was on her mind and she declared that she was confused. She had a boyfriend and she did not feel like it was the right man for her. She asked me if I had any advice for her. Oh happy day! I remember getting excited, I had power! I could use words to try and manipulate the situation so they would end and I could swoop in. I remember thinking that thought and even now am ashamed of it. Something in my mind told me not to take advantage of this girl I felt such a strange attraction to, and I thank God today that I followed this feeling.
I told my beloved what I thought was in her best interest. I listened to all her concerns and let her vent to me. My response was that she will have the answer placed before her that she would have a feeling deep down within her that would guide her to what would be best for her. After this conversation, she thanked me for taking the time to speak to her and we logged off. With the conversation over I thought no more about pursuing her. At this age I was well aware of the dangers of a rebound and the time it takes for a heart to heal.
Another memorable evening happened; several weeks later, my friend decided to take me out to the local social hang out. For some reason I felt a longing for companionship as it had been so long since I had been with someone. We were out for quite some time and there she was; my beloved. I was standing on the deck with her only ten feet away from me. We locked eyes and smiled as we approached each other. Even now as I write my heart fills with emotion because I truly experienced a moment when all other people around us vanished and it was only her that I saw.
We talked for quite some time about all the old times; about how we first met, how we had missed seeing each other in Florida by just one day, our first date, our first kiss with pop rocks, and all the beautiful memories we gave each other. Our conversation was so exhilarating that we both several times had to tell our friends to wait while we continued. The night ended with me getting her number and a promise of wanting to hang out.
I could not wait to see her again and the very next evening I decided to give her a call. I was fully expecting for my beloved to ignore my request, brushing me off as someone they did not expect to see again, but I was shocked as she agreed to meet up with me for movies that same night. I now remember how nervous and excited I was to drive to her house, I was shaking and had practiced what I would first say when she entered the car. She was beautiful, wearing a casual graphic T shirt and jeans and her scent filled my nose with the sweetest aroma I have ever witnessed. I remember the drive back to my apartment and in my mind I was still in shock that I had my crush once again in my presence.
At my apartment we picked out one or two various cheesy horror movies and watched as we made casual conversation. We sat just as a young couple on a first date, a foot in between us and both on the edge of their seats, neither party wishing to act too casual or make even one wrong move. Now I also remember at this time I felt a great fear, the friend zone! What if she just saw me as a friend? What if I lose the girl I have thought about for years all over again? I was not going to end my life always wondering and made the boldest move I have ever made, for I am a shy and cautious man. As she sat to my right and her back was towards me, I slowly leaned over and placed my arm lightly around her right shoulder. I fully expected her to lean away or move my hand and tell me that she was not interested in viewing me like that, but I was happily mistaken. Her tender petite body moved closer to mine and her flowing dark hair rested ever so gently under my chin. Even more our hands found their rightful place within each other and we found comfort in one another’s hold.
We popped in another movie and resumed to cuddle and enjoy each other’s company. We started speaking of deeper topics as we both felt like we were on the same page. I now must mention something my beloved said that I will never forget; I say this with such reservations, but I feel it should be stated. I started telling her of how my older sister had recently been blessed with an engagement to her own wonderful crush and that her love story was finding its true path. I showed her the video of the proposal and talked about how some day I too hope to make a grand and memorable proposal. I will always remember her response. There as my beloved lay her head down in my lap she said, “someday I will put it [your proposal] online too for all to see.â€
I was shocked to hear her say this and as I looked at her, she bashfully pretended like she hadn’t said it. If only she knew that I was thinking the same thing. After this evening I knew I had found my one, my beloved. I was so excited that it would take uncountable pages simply to record my feeling for her. I had her in my life now and all was good.
This is the beginning of my tragic love story. I am not going to discuss my relationship with my beloved because that is not the intent of my letter and prayer. Our relationship was wonderful in my eyes. We had our ups and downs, our heartaches and triumphs. We had a relationship with feelings and emotions, goals and dreams, and our relationship was like those of many others in whom I hope find this example of use. Rather I will skip to the end, to my fall and share with you where everything went wrong, but more importantly why.
Today I feel a strong need to record my thoughts not only for myself, but also for others who find themselves in a similar situation. I have recently fallen into a troubling time in my life involving the separation from a loved one. I have searched for answers and comfort in people, online, and in books (not of the biblical nature), but I have noticed one commonality in all sources; no source I could find provided me with an all encompassing answer, merely a few pieces of a larger puzzle I feel I was meant to place together. More importantly, I found it difficult to obtain any information that was directed at men. My hopes of writing this prayer and letter is to reach out to men and share with them the pieces of the puzzle that I have completed, but of course this information can be beneficial to all who read, both male and female.
I say I have not found my answer in any books that were not of a biblical nature because it was in the Holy words themselves that I found the answer, waiting for me to understand their meaning. For those who have taken the time to read the Bible, he or she knows that much of God’s words are written through the eyes of the writer or a close friend. For those who haven’t yet picked up God’s word, now is a great time to start the beautiful story of salvation. How wise our Lord is to understand that the best method of teaching is through example by personal experience. Such is how I choose to write my letter and prayer. I feel like by sharing my own personal experience as an example, I stand as a more knowledgeable writer whose message is much stronger. Because this is truly my personal experience I also write this letter as a prayer; one I offer up to God who I have such faith will prevail over my troubles. Now I begin this letter with my own personal story, so that I may build upon it, all that the Lord has taught me.
My Story
My story begins with my earlier life, one without the Lord. I was born and baptized as a Catholic Christian. As I grew up I joined my family in attending church and in prayer, but I noticed something was missing from my spirituality. During the early years of my high school education I started turning away from God because of this missing piece, but I did not know what it was. I discovered this missing piece as I entered the Confirmation phase of my spirituality; personal choice. While most people would find Confirmation to be a great milestone in a young adult’s life, it had the opposite effect on me and I turned completely away from God.
For those who do not know, Confirmation is meant to be a ritual in a young adult’s life when they make the personal choice to pursue their faith with increased interest. We can almost view this as a second baptism, one that is much stronger and deeper because it is the choice of the individuals themselves to receive such an affirmation. Such was not my experience! I was forced to get confirmed; I attended a private Catholic school and I was told that if I did not receive Confirmation, I would be taken out of the school and away from all my friends. Although my parents only wished what was best for me, this did not sit well with my young and rebellious mind. It became my breaking point and my last straw, no longer did I have any interest in spirituality, but rather viewed it as a chore or a forced labor I could not escape. I realized that all my life I was forced to be baptized, forced to attend church, forced to pray, and forced to get confirmed. I did not want to participate in anything that was not fully my decision. I will always remember the sad day when I argued with my parents about my disinterest in attending church. I remember saying, “as soon as I get to college, I will NEVER AGAIN go to church†(Fortunately for me this was incorrect, but we will get there shortly).
Just as I had promised I entered college and immediately stopped attending church. I felt so free and so in control of my belief system now. No longer was anyone telling me that I had to attend services or that I had to pray or that I had to believe. Looking back now I am so thankful for Gods infinite love, because without it I would have been lost. What I mean by this is that although I turned away from God, he did not turn from me, and always left me a little trail of bread crumbs to find my way back to him.
Now I feel that I must explain my trail of breadcrumbs or my story loses meaning. I find myself a person full of passion, the definition of a hopeless romantic, and someone who seeks above all other earthly possessions to be in the presence of a great love (only later did I understand that a love for God needed to come before this great love). As we all are a creation of the Lord, he knows each and every intimate detail that dwells deep within our hearts:
“And even the very hairs on your head are all numbered.â€
Matthew 10:30 (NIV)
God knows me, His creation, and knew that through my passion would I find his light once again. Thinking about this right now, I feel like I always knew that even when I did turn away from His Light. Although a man alone who did not walk in the Light, I still never fully forgot God. I still prayed, but only for one thing:
“Lord, you know how important finding my wife and beloved is to me in life. God, please find me a woman with a strong and confident soul who can lead me back to You and Your Church. The day that a woman enters my life that has the strength and patience to turn me back to Your Light, I will see that as a sign and I will know that she is meant to be my bride.â€
Kind of a silly prayer, right? Some people pray for health, or wealth, or wisdom, or even a closer connection with God, and here I am praying to find a wife? But still I said this prayer every now and then to myself with hopeful optimism that my God was listening.
Four long years of college, several women entered my life and exited just as quickly. Only one or two women even attempted to bring me to church, but all gave up and we knew it was not meant to be. It was not until my fifth year in college, my victory lap that something strange occurred. Could this be her? Could God have actually been listening even though I had turned so far off his path?
This girl had first spoken to me during freshmen orientation. We had young crushes on each other and tried to date until she realized that I was not quite ready in my life to settle down. I must admit, that for the four years of college, whether with girl or not, I would occasionally find myself checking her facebook page in hopes to find the word ‘single’ by her relationship status.
I will always remember one night early during my fifth year in college. I was up late, 2:30 am and was watching television and sitting on facebook chat. I saw her name pop up and found myself timidly typing ‘hello.’ While waiting for her response, I quickly checked her relationship status; not single. She responded and as we talked I could sense that she was troubled. I inquired what was on her mind and she declared that she was confused. She had a boyfriend and she did not feel like it was the right man for her. She asked me if I had any advice for her. Oh happy day! I remember getting excited, I had power! I could use words to try and manipulate the situation so they would end and I could swoop in. I remember thinking that thought and even now am ashamed of it. Something in my mind told me not to take advantage of this girl I felt such a strange attraction to, and I thank God today that I followed this feeling.
I told my beloved what I thought was in her best interest. I listened to all her concerns and let her vent to me. My response was that she will have the answer placed before her that she would have a feeling deep down within her that would guide her to what would be best for her. After this conversation, she thanked me for taking the time to speak to her and we logged off. With the conversation over I thought no more about pursuing her. At this age I was well aware of the dangers of a rebound and the time it takes for a heart to heal.
Another memorable evening happened; several weeks later, my friend decided to take me out to the local social hang out. For some reason I felt a longing for companionship as it had been so long since I had been with someone. We were out for quite some time and there she was; my beloved. I was standing on the deck with her only ten feet away from me. We locked eyes and smiled as we approached each other. Even now as I write my heart fills with emotion because I truly experienced a moment when all other people around us vanished and it was only her that I saw.
We talked for quite some time about all the old times; about how we first met, how we had missed seeing each other in Florida by just one day, our first date, our first kiss with pop rocks, and all the beautiful memories we gave each other. Our conversation was so exhilarating that we both several times had to tell our friends to wait while we continued. The night ended with me getting her number and a promise of wanting to hang out.
I could not wait to see her again and the very next evening I decided to give her a call. I was fully expecting for my beloved to ignore my request, brushing me off as someone they did not expect to see again, but I was shocked as she agreed to meet up with me for movies that same night. I now remember how nervous and excited I was to drive to her house, I was shaking and had practiced what I would first say when she entered the car. She was beautiful, wearing a casual graphic T shirt and jeans and her scent filled my nose with the sweetest aroma I have ever witnessed. I remember the drive back to my apartment and in my mind I was still in shock that I had my crush once again in my presence.
At my apartment we picked out one or two various cheesy horror movies and watched as we made casual conversation. We sat just as a young couple on a first date, a foot in between us and both on the edge of their seats, neither party wishing to act too casual or make even one wrong move. Now I also remember at this time I felt a great fear, the friend zone! What if she just saw me as a friend? What if I lose the girl I have thought about for years all over again? I was not going to end my life always wondering and made the boldest move I have ever made, for I am a shy and cautious man. As she sat to my right and her back was towards me, I slowly leaned over and placed my arm lightly around her right shoulder. I fully expected her to lean away or move my hand and tell me that she was not interested in viewing me like that, but I was happily mistaken. Her tender petite body moved closer to mine and her flowing dark hair rested ever so gently under my chin. Even more our hands found their rightful place within each other and we found comfort in one another’s hold.
We popped in another movie and resumed to cuddle and enjoy each other’s company. We started speaking of deeper topics as we both felt like we were on the same page. I now must mention something my beloved said that I will never forget; I say this with such reservations, but I feel it should be stated. I started telling her of how my older sister had recently been blessed with an engagement to her own wonderful crush and that her love story was finding its true path. I showed her the video of the proposal and talked about how some day I too hope to make a grand and memorable proposal. I will always remember her response. There as my beloved lay her head down in my lap she said, “someday I will put it [your proposal] online too for all to see.â€
I was shocked to hear her say this and as I looked at her, she bashfully pretended like she hadn’t said it. If only she knew that I was thinking the same thing. After this evening I knew I had found my one, my beloved. I was so excited that it would take uncountable pages simply to record my feeling for her. I had her in my life now and all was good.
This is the beginning of my tragic love story. I am not going to discuss my relationship with my beloved because that is not the intent of my letter and prayer. Our relationship was wonderful in my eyes. We had our ups and downs, our heartaches and triumphs. We had a relationship with feelings and emotions, goals and dreams, and our relationship was like those of many others in whom I hope find this example of use. Rather I will skip to the end, to my fall and share with you where everything went wrong, but more importantly why.
