- Dec 20, 2019
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The pregnancy test was positive. I cried. Pregnancy wasn’t in my plans, because I recently quit my job for full-time entrepreneurship. After telling the father of my twins I was pregnant, he immediately suggested an abortion and offered to pay. I didn’t want to abort. For weeks, he pressured me. Despite uncertainties about motherhood’s impact on my finances and future, I chose life. The father left, and at four months pregnant, I became a single mother struggling with overcoming shame.
Regardless, I continued attending church. This reminded me God’s love was stronger than my circumstances. As my belly grew, I tried to conceal it with oversized clothing and a large purse. I walked quickly through the congregation, avoiding people and eye contact. I dreaded the shame of being a regular churchgoer, pregnant, and expecting to be a single mom. When I could no longer hide my belly, I began attending a different church campus.
According to Lifeway Research, 70% of women who have had abortions identify as Christian. Of these, 36% attended church at least once a month at the time of their first abortion. There is an urgent need for the church to understand how to respond when a woman faces an unexpected pregnancy. Here are six practical ways churches can help engage with women in their church who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant, struggling with overcoming shame.
My friend, whose mom was on staff at their church, got pregnant in college. During Sunday service, a church leader publicly asked my friend to stand up and apologize for being pregnant and unmarried. I remembered my friend sharing the difficulty she had overcoming shame associated with that experience.
Being a safe space for women facing unplanned pregnancies begins before the pregnancy happens. How does the church speak about single mothers and unplanned pregnancies? Is it with shame, or truth and grace? Discussing this from the pulpit and in small groups reinforces biblical truth. It also signals in an unplanned pregnancy, women and men can find compassionate support at church.
It’s important to provide a space without guilt and shame. According to Lifeway Research, “Two in 3 women who’ve had an abortion say church members judge single women who are pregnant (65%) and are more likely to gossip about a woman considering abortion than help her understand her options (64%).” These sobering statistics reveal the massive opportunity for churches to be a place where women feel safe discussing an unexpected pregnancy.
Dr. Marc Newman, in his book Contenders, cited survey results asking Christian college students: “If a woman had an untimely pregnancy, to what local organization would you refer her?” A significant percentage of students from both public (57%) and evangelical Christian schools (42%) would refer to Planned Parenthood. However, less than 4% of public school students and about 6.5% of evangelical Christian school students would refer to a pregnancy resource center.
Churches can support women by partnering with local pregnancy centers. These centers offer free services like options counseling, pregnancy tests, ultrasounds, STD testing/treatment, and parenting/life skills classes. Many also provide essential baby items such as diapers, wipes, formula, car seats, and clothing, along with community referrals.
To build partnerships, church leaders can invite pregnancy centers to speak on a Sunday or host a class like “Making Life Disciples.” This educates congregants about these centers, how to support them through volunteerism or donations, and respond with compassion to unexpected pregnancies. Doing so increases the likelihood a woman will be directed to a life-affirming center and choose life.
When I requested my children be dedicated at the church I joined after moving, the elder called me. He was concerned because my unexpected pregnancy occurred after I rededicated my life to Christ. He questioned my commitment and initially declined to dedicate my children. I was heartbroken this church refused to dedicate the children I fought so hard to save. While he eventually changed his mind, the pain lingered, making overcoming shame harder.
Breaking patterns of unexpected pregnancy and abortion starts in the church. Allowing mothers to dedicate their children shows the church is a trusted place. As women and children grow in Christ, they become better equipped to make decisions that bring God glory.
An unexpected pregnancy can trigger feelings of hopelessness and shame. If this is her first child, she may not know how to begin parenting. Consider offering mentoring by:
Mentorship is also important for fathers. Connecting experienced fathers in the congregation with new fathers can help them navigate their roles and responsibilities.
The decision to parent is just the beginning. After the child is born, many women, especially single mothers, are likely to need support or financial assistance. This can create shame when asking for help. Churches can combat this by proactively offering aid.
Providing meals is extremely helpful for new moms. Churches can create a meal train for the first couple of months. To assist financially, establish a benevolence fund for immediate needs like medical bills, rent, or utilities.
Other support includes offering free or low-cost childcare for work, appointments, errands, or respite. Churches can also help with transportation to appointments or work, or assist with car maintenance.
Creating a single mom’s ministry or life group helps single moms experience discipleship and build relationships, forming a built-in support system. Women facing unexpected pregnancies have many needs. Formal and informal support services within the church, and connections with other members, ensure they receive help.
Sadly, not everyone experiencing an unexpected pregnancy will parent. Some will choose abortion. Helping these women heal is essential. Too many believe abortion is the one unforgivable sin and struggle with shame afterward.
The church can be a place where these women know they are loved and forgiven, overcoming shame. Post-abortive programs through local pregnancy centers or organizations like Save One can help facilitate healing.
Reach a counselor toll-free at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).
Call Now
While I was further along in my pregnancy, I saw a woman at church I hadn’t seen in awhile, and shared what was happening. She reminded me God loves me and my children and encouraged me to return to the campus I usually attended. Another day, a woman encouraged me to have a baby shower, despite my embarrassment and shame, saying God is the giver of life and all children deserve celebration. That helped me feel seen, loved, and supported.
After returning to my normal church campus, I approached my pastor, visibly pregnant, to share how one of his sermons helped me choose life when pressured to abort. He was grateful and reaffirmed I was welcome.
Ultimately, I leaned into my local church. I joined life groups, Bible study, and my church’s single-mom ministry. Surrounding myself with Christian community helped me to grow in Christ and work towards overcoming shame.
Additional Resources:
The post Overcoming Shame: Unexpected Pregnancy and the Church appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
Regardless, I continued attending church. This reminded me God’s love was stronger than my circumstances. As my belly grew, I tried to conceal it with oversized clothing and a large purse. I walked quickly through the congregation, avoiding people and eye contact. I dreaded the shame of being a regular churchgoer, pregnant, and expecting to be a single mom. When I could no longer hide my belly, I began attending a different church campus.
According to Lifeway Research, 70% of women who have had abortions identify as Christian. Of these, 36% attended church at least once a month at the time of their first abortion. There is an urgent need for the church to understand how to respond when a woman faces an unexpected pregnancy. Here are six practical ways churches can help engage with women in their church who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant, struggling with overcoming shame.
#1. Be a Safe Space
My friend, whose mom was on staff at their church, got pregnant in college. During Sunday service, a church leader publicly asked my friend to stand up and apologize for being pregnant and unmarried. I remembered my friend sharing the difficulty she had overcoming shame associated with that experience.
Being a safe space for women facing unplanned pregnancies begins before the pregnancy happens. How does the church speak about single mothers and unplanned pregnancies? Is it with shame, or truth and grace? Discussing this from the pulpit and in small groups reinforces biblical truth. It also signals in an unplanned pregnancy, women and men can find compassionate support at church.
It’s important to provide a space without guilt and shame. According to Lifeway Research, “Two in 3 women who’ve had an abortion say church members judge single women who are pregnant (65%) and are more likely to gossip about a woman considering abortion than help her understand her options (64%).” These sobering statistics reveal the massive opportunity for churches to be a place where women feel safe discussing an unexpected pregnancy.
#2. Partner with Local Pregnancy Centers
Dr. Marc Newman, in his book Contenders, cited survey results asking Christian college students: “If a woman had an untimely pregnancy, to what local organization would you refer her?” A significant percentage of students from both public (57%) and evangelical Christian schools (42%) would refer to Planned Parenthood. However, less than 4% of public school students and about 6.5% of evangelical Christian school students would refer to a pregnancy resource center.
Churches can support women by partnering with local pregnancy centers. These centers offer free services like options counseling, pregnancy tests, ultrasounds, STD testing/treatment, and parenting/life skills classes. Many also provide essential baby items such as diapers, wipes, formula, car seats, and clothing, along with community referrals.
To build partnerships, church leaders can invite pregnancy centers to speak on a Sunday or host a class like “Making Life Disciples.” This educates congregants about these centers, how to support them through volunteerism or donations, and respond with compassion to unexpected pregnancies. Doing so increases the likelihood a woman will be directed to a life-affirming center and choose life.
#3. Allow Their Children to be Dedicated
When I requested my children be dedicated at the church I joined after moving, the elder called me. He was concerned because my unexpected pregnancy occurred after I rededicated my life to Christ. He questioned my commitment and initially declined to dedicate my children. I was heartbroken this church refused to dedicate the children I fought so hard to save. While he eventually changed his mind, the pain lingered, making overcoming shame harder.
Breaking patterns of unexpected pregnancy and abortion starts in the church. Allowing mothers to dedicate their children shows the church is a trusted place. As women and children grow in Christ, they become better equipped to make decisions that bring God glory.
#4. Offer Mentoring
An unexpected pregnancy can trigger feelings of hopelessness and shame. If this is her first child, she may not know how to begin parenting. Consider offering mentoring by:
- Partnering with organizations like Embrace Grace, which provides structured groups for pregnant women, including education, peer mentoring, and baby showers.
- Referring women to a local pregnancy center for parenting programs.
- Connecting pregnant moms with experienced moms in the church to offer friendship and practical help.
Mentorship is also important for fathers. Connecting experienced fathers in the congregation with new fathers can help them navigate their roles and responsibilities.
#5. Offer Tangible Support
The decision to parent is just the beginning. After the child is born, many women, especially single mothers, are likely to need support or financial assistance. This can create shame when asking for help. Churches can combat this by proactively offering aid.
Providing meals is extremely helpful for new moms. Churches can create a meal train for the first couple of months. To assist financially, establish a benevolence fund for immediate needs like medical bills, rent, or utilities.
Other support includes offering free or low-cost childcare for work, appointments, errands, or respite. Churches can also help with transportation to appointments or work, or assist with car maintenance.
Creating a single mom’s ministry or life group helps single moms experience discipleship and build relationships, forming a built-in support system. Women facing unexpected pregnancies have many needs. Formal and informal support services within the church, and connections with other members, ensure they receive help.
#6. After Abortion Healing
Sadly, not everyone experiencing an unexpected pregnancy will parent. Some will choose abortion. Helping these women heal is essential. Too many believe abortion is the one unforgivable sin and struggle with shame afterward.
The church can be a place where these women know they are loved and forgiven, overcoming shame. Post-abortive programs through local pregnancy centers or organizations like Save One can help facilitate healing.
Talk to a Counselor
If you need further guidance and encouragement, we have a staff of trained and caring counselors who offer a one-time complimentary consultation from a Christian perspective. They can also refer you to counselors in your area for ongoing assistance.Reach a counselor toll-free at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).
Call Now
How I Overcame Shame
While I was further along in my pregnancy, I saw a woman at church I hadn’t seen in awhile, and shared what was happening. She reminded me God loves me and my children and encouraged me to return to the campus I usually attended. Another day, a woman encouraged me to have a baby shower, despite my embarrassment and shame, saying God is the giver of life and all children deserve celebration. That helped me feel seen, loved, and supported.
After returning to my normal church campus, I approached my pastor, visibly pregnant, to share how one of his sermons helped me choose life when pressured to abort. He was grateful and reaffirmed I was welcome.
Ultimately, I leaned into my local church. I joined life groups, Bible study, and my church’s single-mom ministry. Surrounding myself with Christian community helped me to grow in Christ and work towards overcoming shame.
Additional Resources:
- See Life – A Focus on the Family Ministry that allows churches, medical professionals, and businesses to connect with pregnancy centers in order to support their life saving services.
- Option Ultrasound – A Focus on the Family Ministry that delivers 16 types of grants that help fund nurse salaries, free ultrasounds, extended hours, and more at pregnancy centers across America.
- Unplanned Pregnancies: How Should the Church Respond?
- The Surprising Blessings of an Unplanned Pregnancy
- Dealing with Unplanned Pregnancy
The post Overcoming Shame: Unexpected Pregnancy and the Church appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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