A
AJB4
Guest
Where do I begin. I am really struggling with guilt right now, and I truly feel very low at this time. To understand my quite sticky situation, I guess I should tell you a bit about myself first:
I am a 15-year-old male, who has been brought up in the Christian faith my entire life. I attend church now and have been since birth (that I am extremely thankful for), and I believe wholeheartedly in God. I haven't taken the final step into baptism yet, but I feel like I'm believing in God more and more as a grow as a teenager. OK, here's my situation:
I'm gay. Secretly of course, and I will NEVER come out to anybody (actually, this forum is the first place I've ever admitted it to anybody). I don't know what happened to make me this way, but that's the reality of it. I can only imagine the shame I'd put on my family and my church and how much of an outcast I'd feel if I ever came out, and that's only one reason why I never will. Like I said, I don't know how I came to be this way (gay), but that's not my only sticky situation. I have been engaging in private acts of lust since I was about 10 years old (I am a virgin, but my acts are all personal; I'm sure you all know what I'm referring to). As an adolescent, it would be normal for most adolescents, but not for me, because I think that what I've been doing for the past 15 years has really been the cause of all this. I don't know what happened and how that made me turn gay, but that's the way it is, and I can't really change it.
What I can change, however, is I can quit my personal acts of lust, which I believe, at the beginning, are the root of all my problems. I've been trying to quit, but truthfully, it's like smoking to me (not that I do; I don't). I've tried to quit before, but I've never been able to go longer than 2 days without it.
Which leads me to another point. While I feel lower at this point in my life than I probably ever will in some respects, I also feel in other points like I'm at the prime of my life, in the way that I believe in God and believe that no matter what I'm going through, he's watching over me, and I really believe that if I really want to change my ways (which I do more than anything), then all I have to do is believe in the Lord and that he will help me. I'm at the prime of my life today in the way that I've never ever believed in the Lord more, and I never want this feeling I have that he's by my side to ever go away.
I believe that God has given me the willpower to finally quit thinking these evil thoughts and deeds, because that's what they are, I know. Evil.
That being said, just because I'm the way I am, it doesn't mean that I wouldn't love to experience all things that a man should experience someday (like marriage, fatherhood etc). I also believe that I will find love someday if I pray to God and truly believe, because I really believe now more than ever that ALL things are possible through prayer. I truly believe I can quit thinking these evil thoughts and not let them take over my life, with help from the Lord of course :D Even though temptation is constantly casting a shadow.
Wow, that was a lot to get off my chest. Thank you for listening. Even if you're not truly praying for me, it's nice to finally tell some people, or at least neutral people who won't judge. WOW, that's pretty much my entire teenage life story summed up in a few paragraphs. Today is my first day of celebacy (I guess you could call it that). I ask that you pray that I can continue my streak. I WILL beat this, I know, because God is with me. :D
I am a 15-year-old male, who has been brought up in the Christian faith my entire life. I attend church now and have been since birth (that I am extremely thankful for), and I believe wholeheartedly in God. I haven't taken the final step into baptism yet, but I feel like I'm believing in God more and more as a grow as a teenager. OK, here's my situation:
I'm gay. Secretly of course, and I will NEVER come out to anybody (actually, this forum is the first place I've ever admitted it to anybody). I don't know what happened to make me this way, but that's the reality of it. I can only imagine the shame I'd put on my family and my church and how much of an outcast I'd feel if I ever came out, and that's only one reason why I never will. Like I said, I don't know how I came to be this way (gay), but that's not my only sticky situation. I have been engaging in private acts of lust since I was about 10 years old (I am a virgin, but my acts are all personal; I'm sure you all know what I'm referring to). As an adolescent, it would be normal for most adolescents, but not for me, because I think that what I've been doing for the past 15 years has really been the cause of all this. I don't know what happened and how that made me turn gay, but that's the way it is, and I can't really change it.
What I can change, however, is I can quit my personal acts of lust, which I believe, at the beginning, are the root of all my problems. I've been trying to quit, but truthfully, it's like smoking to me (not that I do; I don't). I've tried to quit before, but I've never been able to go longer than 2 days without it.
Which leads me to another point. While I feel lower at this point in my life than I probably ever will in some respects, I also feel in other points like I'm at the prime of my life, in the way that I believe in God and believe that no matter what I'm going through, he's watching over me, and I really believe that if I really want to change my ways (which I do more than anything), then all I have to do is believe in the Lord and that he will help me. I'm at the prime of my life today in the way that I've never ever believed in the Lord more, and I never want this feeling I have that he's by my side to ever go away.
I believe that God has given me the willpower to finally quit thinking these evil thoughts and deeds, because that's what they are, I know. Evil.
That being said, just because I'm the way I am, it doesn't mean that I wouldn't love to experience all things that a man should experience someday (like marriage, fatherhood etc). I also believe that I will find love someday if I pray to God and truly believe, because I really believe now more than ever that ALL things are possible through prayer. I truly believe I can quit thinking these evil thoughts and not let them take over my life, with help from the Lord of course :D Even though temptation is constantly casting a shadow.
Wow, that was a lot to get off my chest. Thank you for listening. Even if you're not truly praying for me, it's nice to finally tell some people, or at least neutral people who won't judge. WOW, that's pretty much my entire teenage life story summed up in a few paragraphs. Today is my first day of celebacy (I guess you could call it that). I ask that you pray that I can continue my streak. I WILL beat this, I know, because God is with me. :D
. I don't plan to stop praying and growing. You have no idea how much better I feel just getting it off my chest. Don't get me wrong, I'm terrified of the future, but I know the Lord will find a way, and I can only imagine how lost I would feel if I didn't have the Lord. I would probably actually contemplate suicide. I will keep this secret inside of me for the rest of my life. There is very rarely a situation in a person's life in which only the Lord can help, and nobody else. This is one such situation. But I know the Lord will help me, so I'm OK. 