PONDERISMS

[reba]

zzzzzzzzzz PONDERISMS 1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes'· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.3· Life is sexually transmitted· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'? 13· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 14· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? 19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? 20·

 

[Hitch]

:biglol

 

[reba]

Office hours
OPEN Most Days About 9 or 10
Occasionally as Early as 7, But SOME DAYS
As late As 12 or 1.
WE CLOSE About 5:30 or 6
Occasionally About 4 or 5, But
Sometimes as Late as 11 or 12.
SOME DAYS OR Afternoons, We
Aren't Here A All, and Lately
I've Been Here Just About All the Time,
Except When I'm Someplace Else,
But I Should Be Here Then, Too.​

 

[Rollo Tamasi]

Office hours
OPEN Most Days About 9 or 10
Occasionally as Early as 7, But SOME DAYS
As late As 12 or 1.
WE CLOSE About 5:30 or 6
Occasionally About 4 or 5, But
Sometimes as Late as 11 or 12.
SOME DAYS OR Afternoons, We
Aren't Here A All, and Lately
I've Been Here Just About All the Time,
Except When I'm Someplace Else,
But I Should Be Here Then, Too.​

Hey Reba, these are cute.

Do you have any others?

 

[reba]

Not sure if i have posted this before;;;


PARAPROSDOKIANS - Figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy!

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now.






​

​

 

[Deborah13]

Lexy, gave me this one to hang in my office years ago.

I'm lost.
I've gone to find myself.
If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

 

[farouk]

Lexy, gave me this one to hang in my office years ago.

I'm lost.
I've gone to find myself.
If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.

[MENTION=93058]Deborah13[/MENTION]:

Tell Lexy it's very good!

Here's another:

(Background: cutting funds to, and perpetually reorganizing, the Canadian military was a standing joke for decades.)

"I'm heading out to lunch. If while I'm out, the boss calls, get his or her name."

Blessings.

 

[Deborah13]

"I'm heading out to lunch. If while I'm out, the boss calls, get his or her name."

Very good.

 

[farouk]

"I'm heading out to lunch. If while I'm out, the boss calls, get his or her name."

Very good.

Curiosity:

In the US, since before President Eisenhower's warning about the military-indistrial complex, spending more and more money on the Pentagon is a way of life, it seems (leaving aside the rationale).

In Canada, for decades, spening less and less on the military was a way of life (again, leaving aside the rationale).

 

[Deborah13]

"I'm heading out to lunch. If while I'm out, the boss calls, get his or her name."

Very good.

Curiosity:

In the US, since before President Eisenhower's warning about the military-indistrial complex, spending more and more money on the Pentagon is a way of life, it seems (leaving aside the rationale).

In Canada, for decades, spening less and less on the military was a way of life (again, leaving aside the rationale).

So are extremes the way man likes to live life?

 

[farouk]

"I'm heading out to lunch. If while I'm out, the boss calls, get his or her name."

Very good.

Curiosity:

In the US, since before President Eisenhower's warning about the military-indistrial complex, spending more and more money on the Pentagon is a way of life, it seems (leaving aside the rationale).

In Canada, for decades, spening less and less on the military was a way of life (again, leaving aside the rationale).

So are extremes the way man likes to live life?

@Deborah13 :

It was the Scottish Nationalist poet Hugh MacDiarmid who wrote:

'I'll have no half-way house,
But always be where extremes meet'.

(He himself was a case in point. He was a Scottish Nationalist, then he became a Communist, then he became a Scottish Nationalist again, then he became a Communist again.)

Blessings.

 

[reba]

The light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.....dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated
Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

[TOG]

The light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.....dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated
Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

That would be funny if it weren't so realistic.

The TOG
​