- Dec 20, 2019
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Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
We sat in white chairs with hundreds of excited families, about to watch our firstborn son graduate from college. In addition to the cap and gown, Ethan had an added accessory: crutches. A few weeks prior, at his last college ultimate frisbee tournament, he tried to defy gravity by diving high in the air to catch the frisbee to score. He didn’t catch the frisbee but did land hard on one knee. His last weeks in college were spent navigating stairs on crutches, putting whatever he needed in a backpack so he could carry things, and driving to classes he usually walked to.
Was diving for the frisbee worth it? At the time, I would have said it was proof that his prefrontal cortex was not fully developed. But as I think about it more, maybe it was worth it. Boys, even more than girls, need to take risks in life to grow.
Norwegian researchers Ellen Sandseter and Leif Kennair define risky play as “thrilling and exciting forms of play that involve a risk of physical injury.”1 This play usually happens outside during free-play time, not organized activities supervised by adults. Boys seek out risks like climbing trees (heights), going down fast slides (speed), working with hammers and drills (dangerous tools), playing with fire (dangerous elements), and hide and seek (disappearing). When boys engage in risky play, they develop competence and confidence and can more easily overcome anxiety and insecurity.
Picture a playground in the 1980s compared to a playground today. Gone is the merry-go-round, seesaw, and towering metal slide. Today’s plastic playgrounds are much shorter, tamer and safer. The ground is now squishy and padded, ready to receive any child who falls from the play structure. The problem is we’ve taken the challenge and adventure out of physical activities in the name of safety. Challenges and pressing past fears are needed to develop normally, both physically and mentally. We might be saving our them from a few bruises and scraped knees, but we are not raising boys to make choices and manage risks for themselves.
Mariana Brussoni, a play researcher at the University of British Columbia, says that play spaces for children should be to “keep them as safe as necessary, not as safe as possible.” 2
Boys who are regularly exposed to small risks become men who are ready to face larger risks. On the contrary, well-meaning snowplow parents who pave a risk-free path raise boys who are easily discouraged and anxious.
The heroes of the faith were well-acquainted with risk. Abraham left his family to journey into the unknown. He didn’t have GPS or even a destination. He risked all that he had to follow God’s command and became the father of a nation as a result. Moses crossed the Red Sea, Daniel was trapped with lions for a night, and David hid in caves from a madman king who was trying to kill him. Following Christ doesn’t equal a safe, comfort-controlled life. Following Christ involves taking risks.
Show your boy that believing in Jesus is hardly boring. Read the Bible every day to your son when he is young. He will likely continue to read the Bible on his own in high school if he has formed that habit in a positive way in childhood. Role models like Timothy and Paul regularly took risks to share the gospel. If your son is getting made fun of at school because he is a Christian, take heart. Encourage your son to take spiritual risks like inviting his friends to church, saying no to morally wrong but popular activities, and pausing to pray before a meal in a crowded public school cafeteria.
Look outside in most neighborhoods, and you won’t hear children yelling or boys playing kickball in the streets. That’s because kids are inside on devices. Boys are playing video games, and can waste their childhood days on Roblox, Fortnite, Call of Duty, and other games. Instead of facing healthy risks in the real world, they are slaying dragons and dodging bullets in the virtual world. Their avatars may be strong, muscular, and built to destroy, while their actual bodies are suffering from a sedentary lifestyle fueled by junk food. Winning a virtual battle doesn’t translate into real-world benefits.
Not only does gaming displace the time and energy that your son could be using to play, make friends, and grow in real life, it truly poses a great risk to your child because of online predators. Jim Cole, a retired Homeland Security special agent, says predators are lurking on any platform where children are present.3 Offenders use things like gaming currency to build trust, then use that trust to get explicit pictures to blackmail the child. Now, predators are taking it a step further by using AI to create fake graphic images of children and then using it to blackmail them.
You may think your son is safe playing a video game in his room, but he might not be. As Jonathan Haidt says in his book The Anxious Generation, “we are overprotecting our children in the real world while underprotecting them online.” 4
I have these photos of my son Ethan, graduating from college, holding up his crutches overhead like a trophy. I had to laugh because this wasn’t the first time I had photographed him graduating with crutches. He was on crutches for his kindergarten graduation, too. While riding our spin bike at home, he revved up the pedals, lifted his legs, and then put his legs back. He broke one leg that day and had to wear a cast for six weeks. It’s awfully hard for a five-year-old not to run or jump, but the kids in his class brought him great comfort. They opened doors for him, carried his backpack, and even “raced” with him, hobbling to keep up with Ethan’s pace.
Ethan graduated from kindergarten and college…on crutches. What a crazy coincidence. As a mom, I’m wired to nurture him and keep him safe. But I’ve learned that boys need to take risks. Sometimes I have to bite my tongue and let him go off on his real-world adventures, which may include diving for frisbees. Raise your boy do physical things in the real world. Or maybe it’s better said, make your boy do physical things in the real world. Embrace and encourage risks that will help your boy become a strong and wise man.
The post Raising Boys to Take Risks appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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We sat in white chairs with hundreds of excited families, about to watch our firstborn son graduate from college. In addition to the cap and gown, Ethan had an added accessory: crutches. A few weeks prior, at his last college ultimate frisbee tournament, he tried to defy gravity by diving high in the air to catch the frisbee to score. He didn’t catch the frisbee but did land hard on one knee. His last weeks in college were spent navigating stairs on crutches, putting whatever he needed in a backpack so he could carry things, and driving to classes he usually walked to.
Was diving for the frisbee worth it? At the time, I would have said it was proof that his prefrontal cortex was not fully developed. But as I think about it more, maybe it was worth it. Boys, even more than girls, need to take risks in life to grow.
Raising boys for risky play
Norwegian researchers Ellen Sandseter and Leif Kennair define risky play as “thrilling and exciting forms of play that involve a risk of physical injury.”1 This play usually happens outside during free-play time, not organized activities supervised by adults. Boys seek out risks like climbing trees (heights), going down fast slides (speed), working with hammers and drills (dangerous tools), playing with fire (dangerous elements), and hide and seek (disappearing). When boys engage in risky play, they develop competence and confidence and can more easily overcome anxiety and insecurity.
Raising boys to be safe?
Picture a playground in the 1980s compared to a playground today. Gone is the merry-go-round, seesaw, and towering metal slide. Today’s plastic playgrounds are much shorter, tamer and safer. The ground is now squishy and padded, ready to receive any child who falls from the play structure. The problem is we’ve taken the challenge and adventure out of physical activities in the name of safety. Challenges and pressing past fears are needed to develop normally, both physically and mentally. We might be saving our them from a few bruises and scraped knees, but we are not raising boys to make choices and manage risks for themselves.
Mariana Brussoni, a play researcher at the University of British Columbia, says that play spaces for children should be to “keep them as safe as necessary, not as safe as possible.” 2
Boys who are regularly exposed to small risks become men who are ready to face larger risks. On the contrary, well-meaning snowplow parents who pave a risk-free path raise boys who are easily discouraged and anxious.
Take the leap of faith
The heroes of the faith were well-acquainted with risk. Abraham left his family to journey into the unknown. He didn’t have GPS or even a destination. He risked all that he had to follow God’s command and became the father of a nation as a result. Moses crossed the Red Sea, Daniel was trapped with lions for a night, and David hid in caves from a madman king who was trying to kill him. Following Christ doesn’t equal a safe, comfort-controlled life. Following Christ involves taking risks.
Show your boy that believing in Jesus is hardly boring. Read the Bible every day to your son when he is young. He will likely continue to read the Bible on his own in high school if he has formed that habit in a positive way in childhood. Role models like Timothy and Paul regularly took risks to share the gospel. If your son is getting made fun of at school because he is a Christian, take heart. Encourage your son to take spiritual risks like inviting his friends to church, saying no to morally wrong but popular activities, and pausing to pray before a meal in a crowded public school cafeteria.
The Wrong Risks
Look outside in most neighborhoods, and you won’t hear children yelling or boys playing kickball in the streets. That’s because kids are inside on devices. Boys are playing video games, and can waste their childhood days on Roblox, Fortnite, Call of Duty, and other games. Instead of facing healthy risks in the real world, they are slaying dragons and dodging bullets in the virtual world. Their avatars may be strong, muscular, and built to destroy, while their actual bodies are suffering from a sedentary lifestyle fueled by junk food. Winning a virtual battle doesn’t translate into real-world benefits.
Not only does gaming displace the time and energy that your son could be using to play, make friends, and grow in real life, it truly poses a great risk to your child because of online predators. Jim Cole, a retired Homeland Security special agent, says predators are lurking on any platform where children are present.3 Offenders use things like gaming currency to build trust, then use that trust to get explicit pictures to blackmail the child. Now, predators are taking it a step further by using AI to create fake graphic images of children and then using it to blackmail them.
You may think your son is safe playing a video game in his room, but he might not be. As Jonathan Haidt says in his book The Anxious Generation, “we are overprotecting our children in the real world while underprotecting them online.” 4
My Kindergartner Broke His Leg
I have these photos of my son Ethan, graduating from college, holding up his crutches overhead like a trophy. I had to laugh because this wasn’t the first time I had photographed him graduating with crutches. He was on crutches for his kindergarten graduation, too. While riding our spin bike at home, he revved up the pedals, lifted his legs, and then put his legs back. He broke one leg that day and had to wear a cast for six weeks. It’s awfully hard for a five-year-old not to run or jump, but the kids in his class brought him great comfort. They opened doors for him, carried his backpack, and even “raced” with him, hobbling to keep up with Ethan’s pace.
Ethan graduated from kindergarten and college…on crutches. What a crazy coincidence. As a mom, I’m wired to nurture him and keep him safe. But I’ve learned that boys need to take risks. Sometimes I have to bite my tongue and let him go off on his real-world adventures, which may include diving for frisbees. Raise your boy do physical things in the real world. Or maybe it’s better said, make your boy do physical things in the real world. Embrace and encourage risks that will help your boy become a strong and wise man.
- https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/147470491100900212 ↩︎
- The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt, Penguin Press, NY, 2024, p. 81 ↩︎
- https://www.wftv.com/news/9investig...es-ai-target-kids/RQX2WBSEMBDVRA2WAOKXZCZAPE/ ↩︎
- 4. Haidt, p. 68. ↩︎
The post Raising Boys to Take Risks appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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