- Dec 20, 2019
- 3,597
- 108
Estimated reading time: 11 minutes
Did you know that shifting your perspective on marriage can restore it? An excellent example comes from Tara, a young lady at the church I was working for at the time. She approached me one day after church and asked to speak with me. “You’ve got to help me. I know in my heart that my attitude is wrong, but—I can’t help it. It’s how I feel. My marriage is killing me. It’s so bad. I just want to give up. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of being the only one trying. How can I change my husband?”
Tara wiped tears from her cheeks. I knew Tara likes to be direct and she is a good friend, so I decided to shoot straight with her.
“Tara, then here’s the key. You have to begin with your attitude. You have to stop thinking that your marriage is over and that it can’t be changed. If you keep thinking and saying that it’s over, your feelings and actions will follow and your marriage will eventually fail.”
Tara’s tears flowed unabated.
“Do me a favor,” I said. “For one day, stop focusing on your marriage ending and focus on saving your marriage—even if you don’t believe it’s possible. Can you stop thinking about it being over for at least twenty-four hours? Will you at least consider that your marriage might just work?”
Tara looked surprised; it wasn’t what she expected from me. I’m usually more passive and empathetic in my approach.
She sighed. “Well, all I can do is try. I don’t know what else to do.”
Not only did Tara try, but she made great strides in turning her heart around. The next day, she called my office. “Well, no miracle has happened yet,” she said, “but I do feel better. I did what you told me to do. For a few hours, I stopped obsessing about my marriage ending and started to think about changing my attitude versus trying to change Matt’s. I stopped praying that God would end the pain and get me out of it and started praying that God would change my heart and restore my joy. It really made a difference in how I looked at Matt and the future of our marriage.”
I was thrilled. “Good, that’s the first step,” I said. “Now, let me help you with the next.”
In a series of meetings, I convinced Tara that if she continued to work on her attitude, then her actions regarding her marriage would open up new possibilities for changes in Matt. Like most people, Tara felt that 99% of her marital problems were her spouse’s fault. Over time, she had convinced herself that Matt was the reason her marriage was headed south and that her actions and attitudes had nothing to do with it. Though she hadn’t seen any valid signs of adultery, Tara even imagined that Matt was cheating. Her thoughts spiraled downward, producing more and more destructive thinking and behavior.
And the more she allowed her thoughts to spin in that rut, the deeper it became.
As Tara made changes in attitude toward Matt, he noticed. He appreciated her increased respect and grace when he made mistakes. She stopped reacting in the same ways as before. Within a few short weeks, Matt came to counseling with Tara. We worked on basic attitude changes, actions, and how they could interact without arguing. Changes slowly occurred in their hearts and even their everyday interactions improved. They’re happier than ever now, and it all started with changes in thinking and attitude.
Distorted thinking (we should never have conflict; my spouse should meet all my needs) can lay “ruts” in your mind.
As pioneers headed West on the Oregon Trail in their wagons, they tended to follow the same trails as those who had gone before them. Eventually, the soil became compressed, and ruts appeared. These ruts wore so deep that they still exist today. In northeastern Oregon, you can actually walk out behind a museum and see the literal Oregon Trail.
Add a little mud to such deep ruts, and you can well imagine a covered wagon getting its wheels stuck, so immobilized that even a team of oxen or horses couldn’t pull it out. We can guess it took a little shovel work – and a lot of manhandling—to get back on the trail again.
Or if you’ve ever gotten stuck in deep snow, spinning your wheels, needing a push or some traction—you know how difficult it can be to pull out.
Marriage ruts can be the same. When you and your spouse disagree . . . or get hurt . . . or become frustrated . . . or reach an impasse . . . the easiest thing to do is what you have always done! Human nature tends to follow the same patterns of interactions and reactions over and over again – especially when we’re under stress.
Like the early pioneers, we might know we’re stuck but not know what to do about it. Eventually, distorted thinking, attitudes, and behavior become a normal part of the journey together. And we ride the ruts into the sunset.
Sometimes, I realize I’m doing the same hurtful, nonproductive things over and over, and it isn’t helping a thing! I can hear myself make the same useless comments I made last time – and get no more traction with them than I did then!
Do you want an example? Easy.
For many years in our marriage, every time my dear wife disagreed with me, I got defensive. Instead of trying to understand her point of view, I reacted. Maybe blew up. That, my friend, is a rut. And it got deeper every time I spun my wheels in it.
Rhonda gets into ruts as well. She manages our finances and does a wonderful job. But sometimes, when money is tight, she tries to shield me by fixing the problem on her own. When I probe to find out what’s wrong, she doesn’t want to talk about it. I pressure her, and she becomes more frustrated. I get defensive, she gets defensive, and then we argue, criticize, and withdraw. We have learned new ways to handle things, but we resort back to the past. Same lousy ruts, same nonresults.
Our friends Mike and Ellen are also familiar with marriage ruts. One night over coffee, Ellen mentioned an ongoing pattern that was wreaking havoc in their marriage.
Ellen stays home with the kids, and by the time Mike arrives in the evening, she is exhausted. She wants him to jump into the parenting ring and do a little fighting. Because Mike works only one mile away, he has had little time to unwind. As a result, he’s on edge when he walks through the door. When Ellen unloads on Mike everything the kids have done wrong during the day, he feels even more aggravated. As Ellen vents her frustrations, Mike sees her lips moving, but he doesn’t hear a word. All he hears is nagging. Ellen picks up on Mike’s frustration and assumes that he doesn’t care. The ruts in their marriage road have been established. Ellen gets angry and doesn’t talk to Mike, and Mike withdraws into his study and spends the evening on the computer. Sadly, the kids play alone.
After hearing their story, Rhonda and I could relate because we felll into a similar rut earlier in our marriage. We finally recognized the unhealthy pattern we had gotten into and implemented some changes that worked for us.
We offered what worked for us to Mike and Ellen and suggested that Ellen give Mike at least fifteen minutes after he arrived home for time to unwind. Ellen was also encouraged to break her complaints into smaller chunks. Most people cannot handle a truckload of bad news all at once.
Ellen agreed. Mike also agreed to give Ellen some time to unwind after his arrival by taking the kids to the park.
We also helped Mike and Ellen take a look at their negative attitudes, such as: “He doesn’t understand”; “He doesn’t care what I go through”; “She always acts this way”; and “She doesn’t respect me anymore.”
Over the next weeks, Ellen and Mike joined forces to move out of the old ruts they’d created, and they developed new, healthier ways of relating.
Perhaps you’re thinking, This doesn’t apply to me. My attitude is stellar. I’m right on track. Fair enough. But do yourself a favor and take this quick checkup. How many of these statements have you recently thought or said to your spouse? Put a check by those that apply.
Do any words in this list sound vaguely familiar? Could it be that your attitude—or your marriage—has begun a slow drift in an unhelpful, unhappy direction? Now is the best time I can think of to get back on course.
One day, when I was fishing in Florida, it was getting late in the evening. I was tired and decided to take a rest. I closed my eyes, laid down my pole, propped my feet up, and drifted off to sleep. A short time later, I was startled awake by the sound of heavy traffic.
Oh no, I’m in the middle of a highway, and I’m about to be killed! Then, I remembered I was in the boat. Because I didn’t put out the anchor, I had drifted more than two miles in the bay underneath Interstate 10, where cars were rushing overhead.
When you lose hope in your marriage, you drift as I did on the bay. Emotions, circumstances, and myths are the winds that move you, not truth, which is the foundation of hope. Hopeless faith and hopeless marriages are always vulnerable to ruin.
One dictionary defines hope as “the happy anticipation of good.”1
Hope motivates us to make positive choices in life and marriage and to be in right relationship with Christ and His people. God’s Word says, “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure” (Hebrews 6:19). When you lose hope, your soul is like a boat lost at sea without an anchor.
Jesus, who sees into the depths of the human heart, knows what it takes to restore hope in a person’s life.
Remember the story of how He met the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4? Jesus knew who she was, that she’d had multiple husbands, and that she believed religious myths. He knew that her attitude about the past was seemingly hopeless. I wonder if the tape she played in her mind went something like this: “There’s no hope for me. I’ve made too many mistakes, and I don’t deserve help.”
But after this woman spent time with Jesus, hope filled her thoughts. Though He instructed her to change the way she lived in the past, He loved her as a sinner and accepted her as a person. And she came right up out of her deep ruts of bad thoughts and emotions.
She even ran to tell others about her interaction with Jesus – “Come see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Christ?” (John 4:29). Spending time with Jesus can have a huge effect on our thinking, attitudes, and behavior.
Don’t allow anyone, including the Devil, to convince you that the health and security of your marriage has nothing to do with your thinking, attitude, and beliefs! Truth that is based on the teachings of Jesus and the Bible is truth that can completely transform your heart, life, and relationships. Shift your perspective on marriage toward a biblical and godly view, and restoration can come in ways you’d never expect.
The post Shifting Your Perspective on Marriage Can Restore It appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
Did you know that shifting your perspective on marriage can restore it? An excellent example comes from Tara, a young lady at the church I was working for at the time. She approached me one day after church and asked to speak with me. “You’ve got to help me. I know in my heart that my attitude is wrong, but—I can’t help it. It’s how I feel. My marriage is killing me. It’s so bad. I just want to give up. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of being the only one trying. How can I change my husband?”
Tara wiped tears from her cheeks. I knew Tara likes to be direct and she is a good friend, so I decided to shoot straight with her.
“Tara, then here’s the key. You have to begin with your attitude. You have to stop thinking that your marriage is over and that it can’t be changed. If you keep thinking and saying that it’s over, your feelings and actions will follow and your marriage will eventually fail.”
Tara’s tears flowed unabated.
“Do me a favor,” I said. “For one day, stop focusing on your marriage ending and focus on saving your marriage—even if you don’t believe it’s possible. Can you stop thinking about it being over for at least twenty-four hours? Will you at least consider that your marriage might just work?”
Tara looked surprised; it wasn’t what she expected from me. I’m usually more passive and empathetic in my approach.
She sighed. “Well, all I can do is try. I don’t know what else to do.”
Restoring Hope By Shifting Your Perspective on Marriage
Not only did Tara try, but she made great strides in turning her heart around. The next day, she called my office. “Well, no miracle has happened yet,” she said, “but I do feel better. I did what you told me to do. For a few hours, I stopped obsessing about my marriage ending and started to think about changing my attitude versus trying to change Matt’s. I stopped praying that God would end the pain and get me out of it and started praying that God would change my heart and restore my joy. It really made a difference in how I looked at Matt and the future of our marriage.”
I was thrilled. “Good, that’s the first step,” I said. “Now, let me help you with the next.”
Digging Out of a Rut
In a series of meetings, I convinced Tara that if she continued to work on her attitude, then her actions regarding her marriage would open up new possibilities for changes in Matt. Like most people, Tara felt that 99% of her marital problems were her spouse’s fault. Over time, she had convinced herself that Matt was the reason her marriage was headed south and that her actions and attitudes had nothing to do with it. Though she hadn’t seen any valid signs of adultery, Tara even imagined that Matt was cheating. Her thoughts spiraled downward, producing more and more destructive thinking and behavior.
And the more she allowed her thoughts to spin in that rut, the deeper it became.
As Tara made changes in attitude toward Matt, he noticed. He appreciated her increased respect and grace when he made mistakes. She stopped reacting in the same ways as before. Within a few short weeks, Matt came to counseling with Tara. We worked on basic attitude changes, actions, and how they could interact without arguing. Changes slowly occurred in their hearts and even their everyday interactions improved. They’re happier than ever now, and it all started with changes in thinking and attitude.
The Ruts In Your Mind
Distorted thinking (we should never have conflict; my spouse should meet all my needs) can lay “ruts” in your mind.
As pioneers headed West on the Oregon Trail in their wagons, they tended to follow the same trails as those who had gone before them. Eventually, the soil became compressed, and ruts appeared. These ruts wore so deep that they still exist today. In northeastern Oregon, you can actually walk out behind a museum and see the literal Oregon Trail.
Add a little mud to such deep ruts, and you can well imagine a covered wagon getting its wheels stuck, so immobilized that even a team of oxen or horses couldn’t pull it out. We can guess it took a little shovel work – and a lot of manhandling—to get back on the trail again.
Or if you’ve ever gotten stuck in deep snow, spinning your wheels, needing a push or some traction—you know how difficult it can be to pull out.
Marriage Ruts
Marriage ruts can be the same. When you and your spouse disagree . . . or get hurt . . . or become frustrated . . . or reach an impasse . . . the easiest thing to do is what you have always done! Human nature tends to follow the same patterns of interactions and reactions over and over again – especially when we’re under stress.
Like the early pioneers, we might know we’re stuck but not know what to do about it. Eventually, distorted thinking, attitudes, and behavior become a normal part of the journey together. And we ride the ruts into the sunset.
Sometimes, I realize I’m doing the same hurtful, nonproductive things over and over, and it isn’t helping a thing! I can hear myself make the same useless comments I made last time – and get no more traction with them than I did then!
Do you want an example? Easy.
For many years in our marriage, every time my dear wife disagreed with me, I got defensive. Instead of trying to understand her point of view, I reacted. Maybe blew up. That, my friend, is a rut. And it got deeper every time I spun my wheels in it.
Rhonda gets into ruts as well. She manages our finances and does a wonderful job. But sometimes, when money is tight, she tries to shield me by fixing the problem on her own. When I probe to find out what’s wrong, she doesn’t want to talk about it. I pressure her, and she becomes more frustrated. I get defensive, she gets defensive, and then we argue, criticize, and withdraw. We have learned new ways to handle things, but we resort back to the past. Same lousy ruts, same nonresults.
Mike and Ellen
Our friends Mike and Ellen are also familiar with marriage ruts. One night over coffee, Ellen mentioned an ongoing pattern that was wreaking havoc in their marriage.
Ellen stays home with the kids, and by the time Mike arrives in the evening, she is exhausted. She wants him to jump into the parenting ring and do a little fighting. Because Mike works only one mile away, he has had little time to unwind. As a result, he’s on edge when he walks through the door. When Ellen unloads on Mike everything the kids have done wrong during the day, he feels even more aggravated. As Ellen vents her frustrations, Mike sees her lips moving, but he doesn’t hear a word. All he hears is nagging. Ellen picks up on Mike’s frustration and assumes that he doesn’t care. The ruts in their marriage road have been established. Ellen gets angry and doesn’t talk to Mike, and Mike withdraws into his study and spends the evening on the computer. Sadly, the kids play alone.
A Relatable Story
After hearing their story, Rhonda and I could relate because we felll into a similar rut earlier in our marriage. We finally recognized the unhealthy pattern we had gotten into and implemented some changes that worked for us.
We offered what worked for us to Mike and Ellen and suggested that Ellen give Mike at least fifteen minutes after he arrived home for time to unwind. Ellen was also encouraged to break her complaints into smaller chunks. Most people cannot handle a truckload of bad news all at once.
Ellen agreed. Mike also agreed to give Ellen some time to unwind after his arrival by taking the kids to the park.
We also helped Mike and Ellen take a look at their negative attitudes, such as: “He doesn’t understand”; “He doesn’t care what I go through”; “She always acts this way”; and “She doesn’t respect me anymore.”
Over the next weeks, Ellen and Mike joined forces to move out of the old ruts they’d created, and they developed new, healthier ways of relating.
Getting Your Thoughts Back on Course
Perhaps you’re thinking, This doesn’t apply to me. My attitude is stellar. I’m right on track. Fair enough. But do yourself a favor and take this quick checkup. How many of these statements have you recently thought or said to your spouse? Put a check by those that apply.
- “If you disagree with something I said or did, it means you don’t love me.”
- “If you disappoint me, I’ll make your life miserable.”
- “It’s no use to keep trying to talk through our problems. We always end up fighting.”
- “You’ll never forgive me for what I did.”
- “Because you make the same mistakes over and over, it means you don’t care.”
- “It’s always going to be this way. Nothing will ever change.”
- “Our marriage has never been good. You’ve never really loved me.”
- “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
- “You always treat me the same way.”
- “You never show me you love me.”
- “It’s always about you.”
- “You are never wrong.”
- “I’m never right.”
- “It’s your fault I feel this way. You make me act this way.”
- “Because our marriage doesn’t look like ____________’s marriage, it’s not right.”
- “I’m not being treated like I should be.”
- “I’m not happy . . . so I have the right to treat you the way I do.”
- “You’re not meeting my needs; I have a right to find someone else who will.”
- “I’m not in love with you anymore — so the commitment means nothing to me.”
- “This marriage is keeping me from living up to my potential.”
- “If you would just change, our marriage would be okay.”
- “The kids would be better off without their mom and dad fighting all the time.”
Do any words in this list sound vaguely familiar? Could it be that your attitude—or your marriage—has begun a slow drift in an unhelpful, unhappy direction? Now is the best time I can think of to get back on course.
Restoring Hope For Your Marriage By Shifting Your Perspective
One day, when I was fishing in Florida, it was getting late in the evening. I was tired and decided to take a rest. I closed my eyes, laid down my pole, propped my feet up, and drifted off to sleep. A short time later, I was startled awake by the sound of heavy traffic.
Oh no, I’m in the middle of a highway, and I’m about to be killed! Then, I remembered I was in the boat. Because I didn’t put out the anchor, I had drifted more than two miles in the bay underneath Interstate 10, where cars were rushing overhead.
When you lose hope in your marriage, you drift as I did on the bay. Emotions, circumstances, and myths are the winds that move you, not truth, which is the foundation of hope. Hopeless faith and hopeless marriages are always vulnerable to ruin.
One dictionary defines hope as “the happy anticipation of good.”1
Hope motivates us to make positive choices in life and marriage and to be in right relationship with Christ and His people. God’s Word says, “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure” (Hebrews 6:19). When you lose hope, your soul is like a boat lost at sea without an anchor.
Jesus, who sees into the depths of the human heart, knows what it takes to restore hope in a person’s life.
Shifting the Perspective on Marriage: The Woman at the Well
Remember the story of how He met the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4? Jesus knew who she was, that she’d had multiple husbands, and that she believed religious myths. He knew that her attitude about the past was seemingly hopeless. I wonder if the tape she played in her mind went something like this: “There’s no hope for me. I’ve made too many mistakes, and I don’t deserve help.”
But after this woman spent time with Jesus, hope filled her thoughts. Though He instructed her to change the way she lived in the past, He loved her as a sinner and accepted her as a person. And she came right up out of her deep ruts of bad thoughts and emotions.
She even ran to tell others about her interaction with Jesus – “Come see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Christ?” (John 4:29). Spending time with Jesus can have a huge effect on our thinking, attitudes, and behavior.
Don’t allow anyone, including the Devil, to convince you that the health and security of your marriage has nothing to do with your thinking, attitude, and beliefs! Truth that is based on the teachings of Jesus and the Bible is truth that can completely transform your heart, life, and relationships. Shift your perspective on marriage toward a biblical and godly view, and restoration can come in ways you’d never expect.
- “W. E. Vines, A Comprehensive Dictionary of the Original Greek Words with Precise Meanings for English Readers (McLean, VA: MacDonald, ND), 572. ↩︎
The post Shifting Your Perspective on Marriage Can Restore It appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...