- Dec 20, 2019
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- 116
Estimated reading time: 9 minutes
Single mom parenting frequently requires extra grit and wisdom to navigate tough challenges including parenting differences, the unique needs of the child, and custody issues.
Keri West provides wisdom for the single mom caught in the comparison between parents:
I felt like I was being held hostage in my own home.
Only weeks after becoming a single mom, the rules and standards on which I had once leaned no longer worked. Extravagant gifts from her dad filled my 12-year-old daughter’s bedroom: $50 perfume, a leather jacket, a stereo system — luxuries he’d never condoned before the divorce. And it seemed that in every facet of life, Melanie made it clear that she preferred her dad’s parenting style.
The tension between us grew daily. Melanie became arrogant and verbally abusive. Once, after meeting her dad’s new girlfriend, she remarked, “She’s so pretty. She’d make a much better mother than you.”
I begged God for courage to boldly live out my beliefs. That commitment was soon tested while shopping for clothes. “Daddy would never take me here,” Melanie said as we arrived at a thrift store.
“I can’t compete with Daddy by giving you everything you want,” I replied. “All I can give you is what I think you need: a love that knows how to say no, the stability of a good home, values like taking responsibility and believing that being a good person is more important than feeling good.”
I tried to make sense of my daughter’s resistance. Her history and family traditions had all crumbled. Even birthdays and holidays were negotiated. She felt torn between being loyal to me and choosing her dad, who had always been her idol. She lashed out because she felt unsure of her father’s commitment.
When she returned from a 16th birthday trip with her dad and said, “I am going on a date Friday, like it or not,” I arrived at a turning point. Melanie knew the dating parameters — Mom meets the boy first, and whoever is driving. But she argued that Daddy had given his permission.
“Fine,” I said, pulling out her suitcase. “Your dad can have total responsibility raising you. I won’t watch you destroy your life.”
Her door slammed — and I trembled. She stayed.
Today, my now-grown daughter has finally caught on to the fact that I am her biggest fan. Melanie and I recently reminisced about the years she hated me. “Mom,” she said, “you were a rock. You never moved.”
Tears filled my eyes. I recalled the many times I had prayed, “I don’t know what to do anymore. Just help me to stand my ground.” In those moments, when I was desperate for stability and strength, the immovable Rock was there all along.
The author of When He Leaves: Help and hope for hurting wives, Kari West is a popular speaker at divorce-recovery groups and single-parent retreats.
For Elsa Kok Colopy, her single parent challenge came in the form of being a solo mom to her son. Here is her experience:
I received the call from my day care provider when Nick was 4 years old. My normally quiet and reserved boy was lashing out in uncharacteristic ways. Through play therapy, I discovered that Nick was grieving, and he was worried about burdening me with his sadness. It was one of the first times I realized how differently we processed the issues of life. As a single mom, I found it difficult to understand the inner world of my little boy.
The more I became aware of my son’s unique wiring, the better I was able to navigate his emotions. Nick didn’t cry when he was sad; he internalized, and then the emotion would come out in a variety of ways. He liked to talk, but on his terms and rarely when I expected it. I had to learn to set aside my agenda and meet him in those moments.
When it came to play, I reminded myself that it was OK to let Nick roughhouse and take risks. I often had to override my instinct to overprotect him.
As Nick entered his preteen years, the differences in our male/female perspectives became more pronounced. I needed help, and I figured Nick needed a mentor. Formalized mentoring felt forced and unsustainable, so I prayed for good men to invest in my son’s life.
After several years, Nick and I became involved in a church that had many two-parent families. As these families befriended us, Nick benefited from the godly men in his life. It ended up not being about finding mentors, but about building relationships with other families. The mentoring naturally developed.
I also noticed that Nick craved heroes. We watched good adventure movies and read books with strong male characters. We’d talk about their positive traits and dissect their negative ones.
Today my son is in his first year of college, and he’s apprenticing as a blacksmith with one of the men from our church. Through the years we’ve learned that wise counselors, earnest prayer and heroic examples can help pave the way to a hope-filled future — both for sons and for mothers.
Single parent toolkit
Consider these tools to help you on your journey:
Train your son to treat women well by showing him how to treat you. Don’t tolerate disrespect or rude behavior.
As your son reaches the teen years, teach him to deal with his charged emotions and male desires. Find books, seek godly counselors and address the topic in direct ways.
Boys have lots of energy. Channeling that energy into sports or vigorous exercise will help keep it from coming out in unhealthy ways.
Listen to the Focus on the Family broadcast as Jean Blackmer discusses parenting tips from her book, Boy-sterous Living: Celebrating Your Loud and Rowdy Life With Sons.
Scheduled visitations, court-ordered calendars, and the parent who does not take responsibility proves frustrating for the single mom trying to make some semblance of routine happen for her child. Here is how Michelle Lynn Senters faced the challenge.
I hung up the phone and sat for a moment in disbelief, uttering a silent prayer: Lord, please help me. I can’t do this alone. On the front porch, my daughters were anticipating their father’s arrival, and I would soon watch their hopes melt into tears. He wasn’t coming, and this was not their first or last disappointment.
The canceled weekends, forgotten birthdays, and missed performances would go on for years. As the messenger of bad news, I continually found myself trying to pick up the shattered pieces of my daughters’ hearts.
The broken promises of an absent parent can lead to deep insecurity and confusion in a child. While one parent cannot control the other’s actions, she can shape a child’s understanding and response to disappointment.
Through the years, I’ve discovered ways to offer my daughters security for today and hope for the future. Consider these principles as you guide your own children:
While anger and frustration may be justified, avoid the temptation to complain in front of your children. When conveying difficult news, speak with gentleness and compassion.
Helping your children to identify and express their feelings, both positive and negative, validates their experiences. Teach healthy ways to express frustration, anger, sadness, and loss. And share in their joy when the other parent fulfills a promise.
Forgiveness does not imply tolerance, but it does require letting go of your anger and bitterness. When you release these feelings to God, you’re showing your kids how to deal with their emotions constructively.
When your children are hurting, you may be tempted to comfort through gifts. No amount of stuff will fill the void. Instead, offer unconditional love and support, giving your children the priceless gift of stability.
Assure your children that, although a parent may let them down, God never will. Reminding them of God’s perfect nature can open their hearts to His abundant love.
When I offered that simple but desperate prayer that I wouldn’t have to parent alone, God heard me. What I realize now is that He never intended for me to do it on my own (Isaiah 40:11). In time, I learned to trust in God’s strength, healing and guidance. He picked up the broken pieces and restored hope to my beautiful family.
Single mom parenting becomes additionally complicated when child custody is a serious concern. While the names have been changed, this mom’s experience provides guidance when making difficult decisions.
Kaitlyn* was shaking, her little body trembling in my arms as my husband raged. How many times would we have to go through this? How many times would Jason come home as a completely different person and terrify his own family? It hadn’t always been like this.
I met Jason in college, and we married soon after. He was bright and charming — the life of the party. While the first few years of married life were a roller coaster, things eventually settled down. We went into business together, started attending church, and a short while later, our daughter, Kaitlyn, came into the world. I assumed our beautiful girl would be the final draw that would help Jason move beyond his wild past.
It didn’t work. While there were seasons of quiet, Jason’s addictions began to take over his life. Everything from pornography and affairs to alcohol and prescription drug abuse — his world spiraled out of control. His addictions transformed him so that Kaitlyn and I were no longer safe.
After 20 years of marriage and doing all I knew to do, I had to leave. Finding myself in the position to end my marriage and pursue sole custody was overwhelming, but I learned some important lessons. If you’re thinking of pursuing sole custody, consider the following suggestions:
I sought out a strong lawyer with good character who would be willing to fight to protect Kaitlyn. I didn’t need someone who was vengeful and vindictive.
I pursued sole custody because Jason’s behavior was erratic, but I still wanted Kaitlyn to know her dad. I worked with the courts to offer supervised visits and give Jason more time with his daughter if he pursued professional help.
Protecting my daughter meant more than just getting sole custody. I needed to comfort her fears and explain, to the best of my ability, what was happening. Because it was also important that I work through my own emotions, I found resources to help my heart heal so that my bitterness wouldn’t seep into Kaitlyn’s life.
I never imagined I would have to fight for my daughter or for our safety, but God strengthened me for the task and saw me through the pain. To this day, my prayer remains the same: that as I lean into God’s grace, Kaitlyn would know to do the same — no matter what life may bring.
You can do this
Parenting is the best and toughest role of our lives. Solo parenting has its own pitfalls in addition to the typical challenges. Find the grit and wisdom required to nurture your child through relationship with the Lord and seeking support from resources including family, friends, your church, and Focus on the Family.
The post Single Mom Parenting Pitfalls Need Grit And Wisdom appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
Single mom parenting frequently requires extra grit and wisdom to navigate tough challenges including parenting differences, the unique needs of the child, and custody issues.
Keri West provides wisdom for the single mom caught in the comparison between parents:
I felt like I was being held hostage in my own home.
Only weeks after becoming a single mom, the rules and standards on which I had once leaned no longer worked. Extravagant gifts from her dad filled my 12-year-old daughter’s bedroom: $50 perfume, a leather jacket, a stereo system — luxuries he’d never condoned before the divorce. And it seemed that in every facet of life, Melanie made it clear that she preferred her dad’s parenting style.
The tension between us grew daily. Melanie became arrogant and verbally abusive. Once, after meeting her dad’s new girlfriend, she remarked, “She’s so pretty. She’d make a much better mother than you.”
I begged God for courage to boldly live out my beliefs. That commitment was soon tested while shopping for clothes. “Daddy would never take me here,” Melanie said as we arrived at a thrift store.
“I can’t compete with Daddy by giving you everything you want,” I replied. “All I can give you is what I think you need: a love that knows how to say no, the stability of a good home, values like taking responsibility and believing that being a good person is more important than feeling good.”
Behind slammed doors
I tried to make sense of my daughter’s resistance. Her history and family traditions had all crumbled. Even birthdays and holidays were negotiated. She felt torn between being loyal to me and choosing her dad, who had always been her idol. She lashed out because she felt unsure of her father’s commitment.
When she returned from a 16th birthday trip with her dad and said, “I am going on a date Friday, like it or not,” I arrived at a turning point. Melanie knew the dating parameters — Mom meets the boy first, and whoever is driving. But she argued that Daddy had given his permission.
“Fine,” I said, pulling out her suitcase. “Your dad can have total responsibility raising you. I won’t watch you destroy your life.”
Her door slammed — and I trembled. She stayed.
Greater strength for single mom parenting
Today, my now-grown daughter has finally caught on to the fact that I am her biggest fan. Melanie and I recently reminisced about the years she hated me. “Mom,” she said, “you were a rock. You never moved.”
Tears filled my eyes. I recalled the many times I had prayed, “I don’t know what to do anymore. Just help me to stand my ground.” In those moments, when I was desperate for stability and strength, the immovable Rock was there all along.
The author of When He Leaves: Help and hope for hurting wives, Kari West is a popular speaker at divorce-recovery groups and single-parent retreats.
The man he’ll become
For Elsa Kok Colopy, her single parent challenge came in the form of being a solo mom to her son. Here is her experience:
I received the call from my day care provider when Nick was 4 years old. My normally quiet and reserved boy was lashing out in uncharacteristic ways. Through play therapy, I discovered that Nick was grieving, and he was worried about burdening me with his sadness. It was one of the first times I realized how differently we processed the issues of life. As a single mom, I found it difficult to understand the inner world of my little boy.
Unique wiring
The more I became aware of my son’s unique wiring, the better I was able to navigate his emotions. Nick didn’t cry when he was sad; he internalized, and then the emotion would come out in a variety of ways. He liked to talk, but on his terms and rarely when I expected it. I had to learn to set aside my agenda and meet him in those moments.
When it came to play, I reminded myself that it was OK to let Nick roughhouse and take risks. I often had to override my instinct to overprotect him.
As Nick entered his preteen years, the differences in our male/female perspectives became more pronounced. I needed help, and I figured Nick needed a mentor. Formalized mentoring felt forced and unsustainable, so I prayed for good men to invest in my son’s life.
Heroic examples
After several years, Nick and I became involved in a church that had many two-parent families. As these families befriended us, Nick benefited from the godly men in his life. It ended up not being about finding mentors, but about building relationships with other families. The mentoring naturally developed.
I also noticed that Nick craved heroes. We watched good adventure movies and read books with strong male characters. We’d talk about their positive traits and dissect their negative ones.
Today my son is in his first year of college, and he’s apprenticing as a blacksmith with one of the men from our church. Through the years we’ve learned that wise counselors, earnest prayer and heroic examples can help pave the way to a hope-filled future — both for sons and for mothers.
Single parent toolkit
Consider these tools to help you on your journey:
Stress gentlemanly actions
Train your son to treat women well by showing him how to treat you. Don’t tolerate disrespect or rude behavior.
Tackle tough topics
As your son reaches the teen years, teach him to deal with his charged emotions and male desires. Find books, seek godly counselors and address the topic in direct ways.
Wear him out
Boys have lots of energy. Channeling that energy into sports or vigorous exercise will help keep it from coming out in unhealthy ways.
Listen to the Focus on the Family broadcast as Jean Blackmer discusses parenting tips from her book, Boy-sterous Living: Celebrating Your Loud and Rowdy Life With Sons.
The no-show parent
Scheduled visitations, court-ordered calendars, and the parent who does not take responsibility proves frustrating for the single mom trying to make some semblance of routine happen for her child. Here is how Michelle Lynn Senters faced the challenge.
I hung up the phone and sat for a moment in disbelief, uttering a silent prayer: Lord, please help me. I can’t do this alone. On the front porch, my daughters were anticipating their father’s arrival, and I would soon watch their hopes melt into tears. He wasn’t coming, and this was not their first or last disappointment.
The canceled weekends, forgotten birthdays, and missed performances would go on for years. As the messenger of bad news, I continually found myself trying to pick up the shattered pieces of my daughters’ hearts.
The broken promises of an absent parent can lead to deep insecurity and confusion in a child. While one parent cannot control the other’s actions, she can shape a child’s understanding and response to disappointment.
Through the years, I’ve discovered ways to offer my daughters security for today and hope for the future. Consider these principles as you guide your own children:
Speak the truth in love
While anger and frustration may be justified, avoid the temptation to complain in front of your children. When conveying difficult news, speak with gentleness and compassion.
Give children a voice
Helping your children to identify and express their feelings, both positive and negative, validates their experiences. Teach healthy ways to express frustration, anger, sadness, and loss. And share in their joy when the other parent fulfills a promise.
Model forgiveness
Forgiveness does not imply tolerance, but it does require letting go of your anger and bitterness. When you release these feelings to God, you’re showing your kids how to deal with their emotions constructively.
Avoid overcompensation
When your children are hurting, you may be tempted to comfort through gifts. No amount of stuff will fill the void. Instead, offer unconditional love and support, giving your children the priceless gift of stability.
Affirm God’s character
Assure your children that, although a parent may let them down, God never will. Reminding them of God’s perfect nature can open their hearts to His abundant love.
When I offered that simple but desperate prayer that I wouldn’t have to parent alone, God heard me. What I realize now is that He never intended for me to do it on my own (Isaiah 40:11). In time, I learned to trust in God’s strength, healing and guidance. He picked up the broken pieces and restored hope to my beautiful family.
Custody issues
Single mom parenting becomes additionally complicated when child custody is a serious concern. While the names have been changed, this mom’s experience provides guidance when making difficult decisions.
Kaitlyn* was shaking, her little body trembling in my arms as my husband raged. How many times would we have to go through this? How many times would Jason come home as a completely different person and terrify his own family? It hadn’t always been like this.
I met Jason in college, and we married soon after. He was bright and charming — the life of the party. While the first few years of married life were a roller coaster, things eventually settled down. We went into business together, started attending church, and a short while later, our daughter, Kaitlyn, came into the world. I assumed our beautiful girl would be the final draw that would help Jason move beyond his wild past.
It didn’t work. While there were seasons of quiet, Jason’s addictions began to take over his life. Everything from pornography and affairs to alcohol and prescription drug abuse — his world spiraled out of control. His addictions transformed him so that Kaitlyn and I were no longer safe.
After 20 years of marriage and doing all I knew to do, I had to leave. Finding myself in the position to end my marriage and pursue sole custody was overwhelming, but I learned some important lessons. If you’re thinking of pursuing sole custody, consider the following suggestions:
Lean on godly professionals
I sought out a strong lawyer with good character who would be willing to fight to protect Kaitlyn. I didn’t need someone who was vengeful and vindictive.
Encourage relationship
I pursued sole custody because Jason’s behavior was erratic, but I still wanted Kaitlyn to know her dad. I worked with the courts to offer supervised visits and give Jason more time with his daughter if he pursued professional help.
Protect your kids while single mom parenting
Protecting my daughter meant more than just getting sole custody. I needed to comfort her fears and explain, to the best of my ability, what was happening. Because it was also important that I work through my own emotions, I found resources to help my heart heal so that my bitterness wouldn’t seep into Kaitlyn’s life.
I never imagined I would have to fight for my daughter or for our safety, but God strengthened me for the task and saw me through the pain. To this day, my prayer remains the same: that as I lean into God’s grace, Kaitlyn would know to do the same — no matter what life may bring.
You can do this
Parenting is the best and toughest role of our lives. Solo parenting has its own pitfalls in addition to the typical challenges. Find the grit and wisdom required to nurture your child through relationship with the Lord and seeking support from resources including family, friends, your church, and Focus on the Family.
The post Single Mom Parenting Pitfalls Need Grit And Wisdom appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
