- Dec 20, 2019
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Estimated reading time: 12 minutes
According to a recent survey by the Pew Research Center, less than 50% of US workers say they use their full allotted paid vacation time. In a separate survey by the US Travel Association, 768 million vacation days went unused that year (2018) in the United States. And post-COVID shutdowns and remote work have formed a challenge of not being able to unplug from work when trying to be on vacation.
Most families I get to spend time with as a therapist and in my role as Vice President of Parenting and Youth at Focus on the Family reveals that families today have a hard time balancing work, family, and personal time. The key piece I’ve wrestled with is that most families have the intention of slowing down, but many struggle to do so.
Trust me, I get it: my calendar is usually quite full with lots of things pulling for my attention. I’ll never forget my mentor and friend, Willy Wooten, reminding me, “Danny, don’t forget to pump the brakes.” His wisdom is spot-on when creating space for what’s really important. The simplest way to create margin for family time is to slow down. Despite all our good intentions, constant demands, distractions, and opportunities knock at the door, competing for our time and attention.
If this describes you, you’re not alone. It’s hard to juggle schedules, priorities, and relationships to create the necessary margin for family time. So here are some practical stress management strategies for parents everywhere. To help reduce your family’s rush and improve your quality time, read on. . .
Every day is a gift you get to unwrap. Don’t miss it! Reducing the speed of our lives gives us time to open and enjoy each one. As a way of life, not slowing down forces you to lose out on the extraordinary blessings around you each day — including your kids’ desire to be seen or heard by you. As parents, we may not have time to notice if we don’t regularly consider our priorities and intentionally reduce our pace. You and I are quick to forget, and when we do, everyone loses.
Though parenting is an amazing gift, it is also a demanding job! Its challenges are magnified when we forget to down-shift and breathe. The parent-child relationship is incredibly transformational and long-lasting. If you accelerate, you may fly by important moments — missing them altogether. The following ideas are designed to help you enjoy and savor the significance of your changing relationships and the memories you and your kids can make together.
For a mom or dad, the gift of slowing down allows for some fantastic things to happen — far better than any toy you could buy your kids.
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Play creates joyful moments—quality time that strengthens your relationships. Research affirms that your playfulness and warmth provide your children with a safe and secure environment. In other words, your loving playfulness is great for your child’s day! It leads to deeper connection between you and can help decrease negativity and behavioral issues. When we play together, I absolutely love what it draws out. Looking into my kids’ eyes — it’s as if their souls light up with joy. What a gift for both of us!
Researchers have also discovered that the quality of play matters. Everyone is different, so take the time to figure out what high-quality play means for each of your children.
Play is serious business for family health and identity. Both individually and as a family, play builds identity, helps kids learn to construct relationships outside the family, and cements social skills like sharing, collaborating, and being a good sport.
Simply playing encourages physical activity, imagination, and creative problem-solving and fosters communication skills. It lowers stress and anxiety, too! Protecting time to play is a meaningful way to relax, restore your soul with fun, and make the season something everyone looks forward to.
Rushed and distracted conversations can make people—especially your kids—feel unimportant. Meaningful and satisfying conversations, on the other hand, bless your relationships. They create opportunities for understanding, influence, growth, and closeness.
Really connecting in conversation requires the discipline and challenge of carefully listening. As a parent, is there any question that it is an act of love? Listening instills value. In fact, when people sense that they are heard and understood, they experience higher levels of “feel good” connection hormones.
Researchers have found that when people dive into conversation, their brains begin to synchronize with one another. Lead your conversations in a way that surprises and interests the other person. Slowing down makes room for this gift in your family conversations.
Learning takes time, and teaching requires patience. Slowing down is beneficial to both, though. Being in a hurry and busy all the time increases overlooking blind spots, making mistakes, oversights, and impatience. Too many families I have counseled over the years were falling apart because of the relentless pace they were trying to maintain. Their constant hustle grew their impatience with one another and eliminated opportunities to learn from their mistakes.
Foster a culture of growth and retention in your home by reducing the pressure of hurry whenever possible. It will allow you space to adjust your emotions and responses, provide opportunities to think more clearly and enable you to guide your children with wisdom (not rushing). This provides a powerful model of self-control. Affording time to unhurriedly teach your kids how to tie their shoes, wash dishes, manage their money, treat others kindly, vacuum, cook, or. . . cuddle for some closeness is never wasted. The fact is that your kids need you to slow down so that they can follow in your footsteps, relationally attach, and learn to trust your guidance.
The humble image of Jesus begs us to slow down, simplify, and encounter Him in new ways. His life on earth began as a baby and continues as our Savior, embodying a relaxed pace. Through this aspect of his humanity, Jesus shows us that we can grow into this way of being anytime—no matter what circumstances or pressures we face!
Jesus demonstrated that practicing an unhurried life has a spiritual impact — on us and those around us — in the following ways:
When it comes to slowing down, most families face challenges. Extracurricular activities like sports, church, tutoring, music lessons, and time with friends create tension. Sometimes, it is as easy as learning to say, “No, thank you. We have other commitments.” As you work to manage the obstacles facing you and your family, think about these issues:
Too many have bought the lie that busyness is a sign of success. But what is “success,” anyway? How you define it is essential. If you spend more time in the car shuttling your kids from practice to event to lessons to church (frequenting drive-throughs for dinner on the way), it may be time to consider your motivation. Reflect on these few questions:
If you are serious about slowing down to create margin for family time, start by modeling the values you’ve identified and revisit them often in family conversations.
Ephesians 5:15-16 offers good instruction: “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.” As you aim to develop strong hearts, souls, and minds within your family, make room to discern what activities and commitments will best serve you. And be sure to “keep the main thing, the main thing.” This will help your family members learn how to balance necessary responsibilities and interests with intentional slow-down time.
“Buy back” some time in your schedule by turning off the TV, Laptop, and smartphones. Technology drains time and interpersonal connection, so limit their interruption with some basic ideas to curb their use, including:
Place a basket in your “drop zone.” When family members walk in the door, have them leave tablets and cellphones there. This will take some monitoring at first but will get easier. Allow access to their tech to take calls, do homework, or enjoy a predetermined period of playtime, but when they’ve hit their limit, be sure the device goes back in the basket. The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry recommends parents set the following age-specific media guidelines:
Think about the space you’ll open up with such limits. Anything you can do to promote tech-free family time is a bonus.
You’ll need a plan once you’ve decided to “pump the brakes” in your family. Without one, quality family time isn’t easy to come by. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, just thoughtful. Think about the interests of each person in your family and look for shared experiences. Then, share your vision in a way that gets everyone on board.
Need ideas to replace tech time or fill up downtime with family time?
This year, unwrap the gift of slowing down. It will free your calendar and open your heart in many ways. When I reflect on the times I’ve felt most connected to my kids, it has been when I chose to “pump the brakes.” Slowing down and being present with them has created incredible memories and precious points of connection. The gift of slowing down is one your kids will never forget because it is there that they are most likely to experience your deepest love and affirmation.
Remember to enjoy twenty-four hours, one at a time. Each is a gift that we can appreciate in equal measure if we just slow down. For more practical parenting tips, visit our Focus on the Family Parenting YouTube channel.
The post Slow Down to Create Margin for Family Time appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
According to a recent survey by the Pew Research Center, less than 50% of US workers say they use their full allotted paid vacation time. In a separate survey by the US Travel Association, 768 million vacation days went unused that year (2018) in the United States. And post-COVID shutdowns and remote work have formed a challenge of not being able to unplug from work when trying to be on vacation.
Most families I get to spend time with as a therapist and in my role as Vice President of Parenting and Youth at Focus on the Family reveals that families today have a hard time balancing work, family, and personal time. The key piece I’ve wrestled with is that most families have the intention of slowing down, but many struggle to do so.
Trust me, I get it: my calendar is usually quite full with lots of things pulling for my attention. I’ll never forget my mentor and friend, Willy Wooten, reminding me, “Danny, don’t forget to pump the brakes.” His wisdom is spot-on when creating space for what’s really important. The simplest way to create margin for family time is to slow down. Despite all our good intentions, constant demands, distractions, and opportunities knock at the door, competing for our time and attention.
If this describes you, you’re not alone. It’s hard to juggle schedules, priorities, and relationships to create the necessary margin for family time. So here are some practical stress management strategies for parents everywhere. To help reduce your family’s rush and improve your quality time, read on. . .
Why family time requires margin
Every day is a gift you get to unwrap. Don’t miss it! Reducing the speed of our lives gives us time to open and enjoy each one. As a way of life, not slowing down forces you to lose out on the extraordinary blessings around you each day — including your kids’ desire to be seen or heard by you. As parents, we may not have time to notice if we don’t regularly consider our priorities and intentionally reduce our pace. You and I are quick to forget, and when we do, everyone loses.
Though parenting is an amazing gift, it is also a demanding job! Its challenges are magnified when we forget to down-shift and breathe. The parent-child relationship is incredibly transformational and long-lasting. If you accelerate, you may fly by important moments — missing them altogether. The following ideas are designed to help you enjoy and savor the significance of your changing relationships and the memories you and your kids can make together.
The benefits of slowing down for family time
For a mom or dad, the gift of slowing down allows for some fantastic things to happen — far better than any toy you could buy your kids.
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Get personalized parenting help by taking the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting Assessment from Focus on the Family! You’re a one-of-a-kind parent. You have unique strengths your kids benefit from, and areas you can grow in. Find out what those are by taking the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting Assessment! This assessment will walk you through how you’re doing in traits such as love, adaptability, and boundaries with your child. You’ll get a personalized report on strengths to keep building, as well as ways to improve day by day.Take the Assessment!
Margin to play and build bonds
Play creates joyful moments—quality time that strengthens your relationships. Research affirms that your playfulness and warmth provide your children with a safe and secure environment. In other words, your loving playfulness is great for your child’s day! It leads to deeper connection between you and can help decrease negativity and behavioral issues. When we play together, I absolutely love what it draws out. Looking into my kids’ eyes — it’s as if their souls light up with joy. What a gift for both of us!
Researchers have also discovered that the quality of play matters. Everyone is different, so take the time to figure out what high-quality play means for each of your children.
Play is serious business for family health and identity. Both individually and as a family, play builds identity, helps kids learn to construct relationships outside the family, and cements social skills like sharing, collaborating, and being a good sport.
Simply playing encourages physical activity, imagination, and creative problem-solving and fosters communication skills. It lowers stress and anxiety, too! Protecting time to play is a meaningful way to relax, restore your soul with fun, and make the season something everyone looks forward to.
Room for meaningful conversation and deeper connections
Rushed and distracted conversations can make people—especially your kids—feel unimportant. Meaningful and satisfying conversations, on the other hand, bless your relationships. They create opportunities for understanding, influence, growth, and closeness.
Really connecting in conversation requires the discipline and challenge of carefully listening. As a parent, is there any question that it is an act of love? Listening instills value. In fact, when people sense that they are heard and understood, they experience higher levels of “feel good” connection hormones.
Researchers have found that when people dive into conversation, their brains begin to synchronize with one another. Lead your conversations in a way that surprises and interests the other person. Slowing down makes room for this gift in your family conversations.
Time for learning and teaching: The patience pay off
Learning takes time, and teaching requires patience. Slowing down is beneficial to both, though. Being in a hurry and busy all the time increases overlooking blind spots, making mistakes, oversights, and impatience. Too many families I have counseled over the years were falling apart because of the relentless pace they were trying to maintain. Their constant hustle grew their impatience with one another and eliminated opportunities to learn from their mistakes.
Foster a culture of growth and retention in your home by reducing the pressure of hurry whenever possible. It will allow you space to adjust your emotions and responses, provide opportunities to think more clearly and enable you to guide your children with wisdom (not rushing). This provides a powerful model of self-control. Affording time to unhurriedly teach your kids how to tie their shoes, wash dishes, manage their money, treat others kindly, vacuum, cook, or. . . cuddle for some closeness is never wasted. The fact is that your kids need you to slow down so that they can follow in your footsteps, relationally attach, and learn to trust your guidance.
The spiritual impact of margin
The humble image of Jesus begs us to slow down, simplify, and encounter Him in new ways. His life on earth began as a baby and continues as our Savior, embodying a relaxed pace. Through this aspect of his humanity, Jesus shows us that we can grow into this way of being anytime—no matter what circumstances or pressures we face!
Jesus demonstrated that practicing an unhurried life has a spiritual impact — on us and those around us — in the following ways:
- Ease. Jesus had an ease about him. In three short ministry years, he accomplished everything He came for. Scripture never describes Him as being in a hurry, but he was purposeful with His time. Even when He received word that His dear friend Lazurus had become gravely sick, Jesus waited before going to see him. “Then Jesus told them plainly, ‘Lazarus has died, and for your sake I am glad that I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.’” (John 11:14-15) The same happened for Jairus, the ruler of the synagogue. Even with Jairus’ urgent plea for his daughter’s healing still hanging in the air, Jesus stopped to connect with a woman who—believing in His power to make her well—was healed by touching His garment. As the Lord of Life, time never pressed Him. Most importantly, the Prince of Peace was present to any who needed Him.
- Priority of life and relationship with God. Jesus would retreat for time with His Father at what often seemed odd timing. He had to slow down to connect with Him, get direction, and learn from Him. 2 Timothy 2:15 says, “Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth.” Establishing and honoring God as the top priority in scheduling decisions and setting aside time for spiritual growth is necessary. Research proves that time for deep community and Bible reading are essential — not optional — for those who follow Jesus, no matter what their age.
- Presence. Several places in Scripture talk about Jesus withdrawing to pray and be with the Father. Prioritizing this time to slow down and be present with God made it possible for Jesus to be a peaceful presence with others. The secular mindfulness movement emphasizes the importance of being present in your surroundings, to other people, in your body, and in your emotions. As followers of Jesus, we can promote this awareness and appreciation and invite others to join us. By modeling this in our lives, we create an atmosphere of Christ-like authenticity that benefits those around us and ourselves. Once again, the focus is on quality.
- Capacity to companion others on their spiritual journey. In a distracted world, people who bring peace and presence stand out. Jesus was on the lookout for those in need of His healing presence. There is a saying: we are all born looking for someone looking for us. Downtime enhances your capacity to be present to those who need to be seen, heard, and empathized with by you. If you want your kids to adopt this new way of life, it is vital to model this restful presence for them. Slowing down releases pressure on everyone and makes room to meet needs.
- Flexibility. The Lord placed people above plans. Like Jesus, you can foster peace by building “cushion” into your family calendar. Intentionally leaving space on your schedule allows for spontaneous hospitality, unforced conversations, and unplanned blessings that result from being together, which come from seeing and helping one another feel secure.
Overcoming family obstacles to slowing down
When it comes to slowing down, most families face challenges. Extracurricular activities like sports, church, tutoring, music lessons, and time with friends create tension. Sometimes, it is as easy as learning to say, “No, thank you. We have other commitments.” As you work to manage the obstacles facing you and your family, think about these issues:
Motivation
Too many have bought the lie that busyness is a sign of success. But what is “success,” anyway? How you define it is essential. If you spend more time in the car shuttling your kids from practice to event to lessons to church (frequenting drive-throughs for dinner on the way), it may be time to consider your motivation. Reflect on these few questions:
- Is this driven by you or your child?
- Would God favor the pace of your family life?
- What beliefs, priorities, and fruit of the Spirit do you and your family want to work on?
- Does your schedule build or detract from these?
If you are serious about slowing down to create margin for family time, start by modeling the values you’ve identified and revisit them often in family conversations.
Ephesians 5:15-16 offers good instruction: “Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil.” As you aim to develop strong hearts, souls, and minds within your family, make room to discern what activities and commitments will best serve you. And be sure to “keep the main thing, the main thing.” This will help your family members learn how to balance necessary responsibilities and interests with intentional slow-down time.
The drain of technology on family time
“Buy back” some time in your schedule by turning off the TV, Laptop, and smartphones. Technology drains time and interpersonal connection, so limit their interruption with some basic ideas to curb their use, including:
Place a basket in your “drop zone.” When family members walk in the door, have them leave tablets and cellphones there. This will take some monitoring at first but will get easier. Allow access to their tech to take calls, do homework, or enjoy a predetermined period of playtime, but when they’ve hit their limit, be sure the device goes back in the basket. The American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry recommends parents set the following age-specific media guidelines:
- Children under 2: no media except video chat (TV, video, DVD, computers)
- Two – Five years old: 1-3 hours per day
- Six and older: encourage healthy activities and limit screen use appropriately
- All ages: Turn off all screens during family meals and outings. Remove screens and turn them off 30-60 minutes before bedtime.
Think about the space you’ll open up with such limits. Anything you can do to promote tech-free family time is a bonus.
Practical tips for getting started
You’ll need a plan once you’ve decided to “pump the brakes” in your family. Without one, quality family time isn’t easy to come by. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, just thoughtful. Think about the interests of each person in your family and look for shared experiences. Then, share your vision in a way that gets everyone on board.
Need ideas to replace tech time or fill up downtime with family time?
- Set aside — and guard — downtime to be together.
- Limit extracurricular activities. When our kids were young, here’s what we did… ______
- For variety (and to get away from technology), spend time outdoors.
- Family time is essential, but occasionally, let your kids include a friend in family activities.
- Prioritize and protect family mealtimes and pepper them with meaningful conversation. At our house, we regularly ask one another to talk about something we are grateful for or a special memory from the day. You can demonstrate presence and awareness by intentionally asking questions like: How did that make you feel? Why did that stand out to you? And encourage one another to savor the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of this blessing they received.
- Be attentive to the soul health in your home. Usher in peace by giving each person in your family freedom to express their needs and care for their mind, will, and emotions — even during busy seasons. God designed our bodies and relationships for “shalom” — a perfect balance of joy and peace. We need to run at the speed of our souls, not vice versa. One high-capacity friend once told me, ” Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is take a nap.” Help your family learn to recognize what their souls are telling them.
This year, unwrap the gift of slowing down. It will free your calendar and open your heart in many ways. When I reflect on the times I’ve felt most connected to my kids, it has been when I chose to “pump the brakes.” Slowing down and being present with them has created incredible memories and precious points of connection. The gift of slowing down is one your kids will never forget because it is there that they are most likely to experience your deepest love and affirmation.
Remember to enjoy twenty-four hours, one at a time. Each is a gift that we can appreciate in equal measure if we just slow down. For more practical parenting tips, visit our Focus on the Family Parenting YouTube channel.
The post Slow Down to Create Margin for Family Time appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...