mattbraunlin
Member
- Nov 1, 2023
- 86
- 83
The Barbed Wire Around the Big Picture
Last night I had a certifiable existential crisis. My faith took a blow to the face and I was left reeling in anger and frustration. Because my mind and heart landed and dwelled yet again on one of the foundational dilemmas of existence, which philosophers and theologians have grappled with for centuries: The fact that we did not choose to be here.
We exist without our consent. We did not ask to be born. And yet we are charged with enduring pain, fear, exhaustion, oppression, and death.
This is no small thing, friend. This is serious business. Many Christians attempt to downplay and laugh off this fundamental aspect of life, and say that it is nothing. And it is not nothing. It matters. It matters to everyone, this non-consensual life, and it matters to no one more than Christians.
Concepts like sin and death and even salvation are put in a very different light when we recall that we did not volunteer to experience them, and every single Christian article I've read on the subject dodges the heart of the issue in a very obvious and irritating way. They focus on the theological positives of existence, and however many there are, that is not the answer to the question we’re asking. Or they attempt to deflect the issue with semantics, reminding the reader that it is impossible to ask to exist. But I have never encountered a Christian thinker with a satisfactory answer to this terrible question.
And I, myself, have a right to ask it.
I have lived a terribly painful life. Massive agonies have been my companions from the day I was born and to the present day. There have been many astonishing beauties and triumphs and miracles as well, and I am grateful for those. But let's say I was given two choices:
One: relive these thirty-six years in order to spend eternity with Christ.
Two: be phased out of existence entirely.
…I can only shrug. I do not know which choice I would make.
And plenty of people have suffered much worse than I have.
Would you expect someone starving in a concentration camp to make the first choice? Would you expect the parent of a six-year-old in chemotherapy to make it? Would you expect a heroin-addict going through cold turkey to make it? Would you expect yourself to make it?
Existence itself is a dilemma for which God has not given us the answer. Maybe this is why I am attracted to dreary, nihilistic music like the Velvet Underground, Tom Waits, Frank Zappa, Leonard Cohen and Nick Drake; those guys definitely did not ask to be born. And I feel that.
We as Christians don't know exactly what hell is like. But we know enough. This is the hardest aspect of this situation to grasp. I don't have the answer and I don't think I have the courage to even discuss it.
But we know that God is entirely just. And that must be enough.
All we can ultimately do is go to the life of Job. After seeing this faithful man endure the most massive agonies imaginable, with God’s consent, and express his hatred of life page after page, God appears before him. And in so many words, he tells the devastated Job that all he can ultimately do is trust the Creator of the universe.
And I am willing to do that.
I do see now that, at least on a personal level, to choose non-existence over life would be cowardly. And there is a great reward at the end of this mess. And there is a stern Truth in the fact that the oppressor, as well as the innocent, could be justified by this dilemma. Tyrants, murderers, rapists, abusers, meth dealers and any monster you could think of could easily shrug off their guilt by playing this trump card.
The bottom line is, existence must be better than non-existence, or a wise and loving God would not have caused us to exist. It's that simple, if not completely satisfactory. And despite my pain, I'm glad to be alive. And you should be too. Despite our lack of formal invitation, life is pretty wonderful.
And the life to come will be better if Jesus is in the picture.
We are soldiers. And it is okay for soldiers to wonder why they fight. But we must fight. We must have faith in our cause and in our Captain, even when some information is classified.
And I have followed my Captain long enough to know that he is worthy of my trust.
Last night I had a certifiable existential crisis. My faith took a blow to the face and I was left reeling in anger and frustration. Because my mind and heart landed and dwelled yet again on one of the foundational dilemmas of existence, which philosophers and theologians have grappled with for centuries: The fact that we did not choose to be here.
We exist without our consent. We did not ask to be born. And yet we are charged with enduring pain, fear, exhaustion, oppression, and death.
This is no small thing, friend. This is serious business. Many Christians attempt to downplay and laugh off this fundamental aspect of life, and say that it is nothing. And it is not nothing. It matters. It matters to everyone, this non-consensual life, and it matters to no one more than Christians.
Concepts like sin and death and even salvation are put in a very different light when we recall that we did not volunteer to experience them, and every single Christian article I've read on the subject dodges the heart of the issue in a very obvious and irritating way. They focus on the theological positives of existence, and however many there are, that is not the answer to the question we’re asking. Or they attempt to deflect the issue with semantics, reminding the reader that it is impossible to ask to exist. But I have never encountered a Christian thinker with a satisfactory answer to this terrible question.
And I, myself, have a right to ask it.
I have lived a terribly painful life. Massive agonies have been my companions from the day I was born and to the present day. There have been many astonishing beauties and triumphs and miracles as well, and I am grateful for those. But let's say I was given two choices:
One: relive these thirty-six years in order to spend eternity with Christ.
Two: be phased out of existence entirely.
…I can only shrug. I do not know which choice I would make.
And plenty of people have suffered much worse than I have.
Would you expect someone starving in a concentration camp to make the first choice? Would you expect the parent of a six-year-old in chemotherapy to make it? Would you expect a heroin-addict going through cold turkey to make it? Would you expect yourself to make it?
Existence itself is a dilemma for which God has not given us the answer. Maybe this is why I am attracted to dreary, nihilistic music like the Velvet Underground, Tom Waits, Frank Zappa, Leonard Cohen and Nick Drake; those guys definitely did not ask to be born. And I feel that.
We as Christians don't know exactly what hell is like. But we know enough. This is the hardest aspect of this situation to grasp. I don't have the answer and I don't think I have the courage to even discuss it.
But we know that God is entirely just. And that must be enough.
All we can ultimately do is go to the life of Job. After seeing this faithful man endure the most massive agonies imaginable, with God’s consent, and express his hatred of life page after page, God appears before him. And in so many words, he tells the devastated Job that all he can ultimately do is trust the Creator of the universe.
And I am willing to do that.
I do see now that, at least on a personal level, to choose non-existence over life would be cowardly. And there is a great reward at the end of this mess. And there is a stern Truth in the fact that the oppressor, as well as the innocent, could be justified by this dilemma. Tyrants, murderers, rapists, abusers, meth dealers and any monster you could think of could easily shrug off their guilt by playing this trump card.
The bottom line is, existence must be better than non-existence, or a wise and loving God would not have caused us to exist. It's that simple, if not completely satisfactory. And despite my pain, I'm glad to be alive. And you should be too. Despite our lack of formal invitation, life is pretty wonderful.
And the life to come will be better if Jesus is in the picture.
We are soldiers. And it is okay for soldiers to wonder why they fight. But we must fight. We must have faith in our cause and in our Captain, even when some information is classified.
And I have followed my Captain long enough to know that he is worthy of my trust.
