[ Testimony ] The Glory of the Lord As Shown Through My Life

[CalledToServe]

My personal testimony about the Lord in my life is one of true love. The Lord loves me so much to take care of all my needs, provide me with peace in my soul and mind, and healing of the pain I had endured growing up.

When I was twelve, I was baptized and received the Holy Spirit. Immediately after my baptism the Lord called me to be His minister. At the time, I didn’t know how I would accomplish His calling. Being called as a minister was something that confounded me and I had no knowledge of what being a minister entailed. Fortunately, the Lord answered my prayers and laid in my path the obstacles that would define my faith, who I am as a person, and who I am as a Christian.

The trials and tribulations the Lord placed before me are something that I do not wish upon anyone, since they are the most difficult and darkest places where the human heart can reside. When I was fourteen, I was sexually abused for a month long period of time. I was forced to go with this family acquaintance by my parents because they wanted me to learn a useful trade. This acquaintance was the police dispatcher for the small town I lived in and worked in telecommunications. My abuser kept me in line by using my code of honor to protect my baby sister from harm by others and he would frequently threaten me with, “If I didn’t do it to you, I would do it to your baby sister.”

Little did I know that this abuse played a significant role and strengthened the years of physical and mental abuse done by my own parents. I learned not to trust man since man was evil at their core. They will do anything to satisfy their selfish desires and go to any extreme to do it. The abuse left me with acute post-traumatic stress disorder as a negative, but it also gave me empathy for my fellow man and their sufferings. I couldn’t have learned empathy for the abused and downtrodden without these experiences to which I am extremely thankful to God. Another lesson that I learned was how to have wonderful relationships based upon nothing more than friendship. Sexual abuse warps your views on what a relationship is since you learn that the only thing that matters is sex. Sex equals love in the mind of a survivor.

I went to get counseling from my pastor at the time. I was informed that I had asked for the abuse and I deserved it. This cut me to the soul and I walked away from man’s church to seek the Lord on my own. It was a very difficult time and I met another sexual abuse survivor. We got involved romantically and she got pregnant. I did the right thing and married her. We lost that child due to a miscarriage, but a year later God blessed us with a beautiful girl. I learned how to love someone totally and without any strings. When my wife and I separated and divorced, I didn’t get to see my daughter for another thirteen years.

During the time I was away from my daughter and ex-wife, I leaned on the Lord again. I started to do His work in a lay ministry that men in the church impeded and finally refusing to help. I spent years looking for the right church to go to that would accept me for who I was and my calling to be a minister.
I was hounded by the pain of the abuse and the hole in my heart from my daughter not being in my life. It was the darkest time for me and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I tried to take the easy way out of life by committing suicide. The first time happened right after I endured my sexual abuse. I tried to hang myself with a brand new rope. As I swung from the rafter, I lost consciousness and woke up to a broken rope that was frayed severely like someone had cut with a dull knife. Looking back, I can see that the Lord was there protecting me from harm.

The second time occurred after the first Christmas away from my daughter. I was enduring a belittling and scathing attack by my mother and maternal grandmother for being a failure. In their eyes, I was a failure for not kidnapping my daughter when I had the chance. My heart and soul were at their lowest, so I decided to lock myself in the bathroom. Once in the bathroom, I broke apart one of my razors to get the blade and slashed my wrist nearly to the bone. I hardly bled since I had hit every artery and vein in my wrist to my complete and utter amazement. I felt the presence of the Lord at that time, but I hadn’t reached the point to where I would put all my troubles onto him.

The final time was a few years after I slit my wrists on Thanksgiving eve. This time I decided to die the easy way by drinking several beers and taking over 3,000 mg of lithium. I wandered away from the house in a daze to the park down the street. Somehow my mother found out that I wasn’t in my room and saw the empty beer bottles plus the empty pill bottle. She called 911 for the police to find me. As I stumbled through the darkened park a police officer pulled up and asked me for my ID. I lied to her about my name and she saw right through it. Once I had told her my name and it matched the report that I was missing, she called an ambulance to take me to the hospital.

At the hospital they pumped my stomach with charcoal to get the lithium out of my system. I can recall the doctor telling my mother and one of my friends that I was going to die tonight because the drug was fully into my system. As I lay in my bed, my head lolled to the left and I saw Jesus sitting in the chair next to the bed. I could see sadness in His eyes and tears streaming down His face. He held my hand and leaned close to me.

“I had called you to be my minister and to preach my word. You will not die tonight nor will you die by your own hand. I love you and you are called for greater things to do in my name,” He whispered.

To the amazement of the hospital staff, my family, and my friends I walked out of the hospital the very next day. I repented of my sins to the Lord and got serious in His calling for my life. It took several more years for the Lord to bring me to the place where I can fulfill His purpose. The amazing and beautiful thing about God is that He will take our troubles onto Himself and heal us of our hurts. He made this commitment to us when He sent His son to die for man’s rebellion against Him. God is so full of love that He reconciled Himself to us and to bring us back into a relationship with Him. At every step of the way, the Lord has been there for you and I. We just have to look to at our life to see where He was there carrying us through our darkest times.

 

[Tina]

I am deeply touched by your testimony.... :bigcry

Thanks for sharing and welcome to CF.net !

 

[Jman96]

Very touching. Thanks for sharing.

 

[God's_gift]

my eyes are teary while reading this CalledtoServe! God has a big purpose for keeping you alive! He loves you for sure brother

 

[FrMattCH]

That is one of the most beautiful testimonies I have ever heard. You are a wonderful and blessed child of Jesus. God bless you.