- Dec 20, 2019
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Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
I (Greg) remember standing at the altar on my wedding day and pledging my lifelong commitment to my wife, Erin. But after saying my vows, I didn’t give much thought to my marriage commitment. I was simply committed. What was there to think about? Since that time, however, I’ve come to realize that commitment is more than just a vow at a wedding.
Three key aspects of commitment in marriage
Over twenty years of marriage have taught me that commitment is a passionate decision to be with your spouse for a lifetime and to proactively build a future. I’ve learned there are three key aspects of commitment:
1. Commitment is a decision
A husband and wife must decide to love each other for a lifetime. It’s a decision to remove all other options that compete against their marriage. For example, Erin and I have removed the word divorce from our marriage vocabulary. Because divorce isn’t an option for us, our commitment keeps us pressing forward — it motivates us to resolve problems and conflicts as they arise.
2. Commitment involves passion and emotion
Hebrews 13:4 says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all.” Honoring marriage means we recognize its immense worth. In the past, I never really thought about the value of my marriage. It wasn’t like I avoided this thought — it just never occurred to me. So, I made a list of what I love about my married life with Erin:
- Laughing together
- Raising our children together
- Celebrating life’s successes
- Sharing deep levels of intimacy
- Serving together
When we recognize the treasure that is marriage, it has a great impact on our commitment because our hearts are fully invested in what we consider valuable.
3. Commitment requires action
We need to take active steps to maintain a strong marriage. One powerful action couples can take to strengthen their marriage is to develop a shared dream. The dream that Erin and I share is to lead marriage seminars. When we’re leading a seminar, Erin and I experience a type of connection that is difficult to put into words. God blesses our relationship when we’re living out our shared dream.
The power of commitment in marriage
The great philosopher Socrates once wrote, “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you will become very happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
Some time ago, my parents (Phil’s) were visiting, and I asked them about the secret to their 55-year marriage. Without hesitation, Dad said, “Senility. I wake up each morning and I can’t remember who this old girl is. So each day is a new adventure.” When Mom finally quit pinching him, he got serious.
“In a word?” he said. “Commitment.”
You don’t have to stand in the checkout line long to know that commitment is not a hallmark of our culture. Standing near the chocolate bars the other day, I picked out a tabloid and read about Rex and Teresa LeGalley, a young couple who want to ensure that their recent marriage will stand the test of time. After all, it was Teresa’s second marriage and Rex’s third. So they drew up a 16-page prenuptial agreement that specifies such details as what time they’ll go to bed, how often they’ll have sex, which gasoline they’ll purchase, and who will do the laundry. Says Teresa, “This is the plan that we think will keep us married for 50 or 60 years.”
When I told Dad this, he had another one-word response: “Ha!”
Hollywood Surprises
Occasionally, Hollywood surprises us with some good news, though. Famed singer and actress Bette Midler, who has been married for 40 years to artist Martin von Haselberg, was asked about the key to their marriage. Midler responded, “Separate vacations.” Then, like my dad, she got serious. “We’re committed,” she said. “We’re in it for the long haul. Besides, you really don’t get to know a person until you’ve known them a long time, and we don’t know each other yet, even though it’s been all those years. Sometimes it’s been a struggle, but amazingly we didn’t give up.”
Before he passed away, James Garner, the star of Maverick and The Rockford Files, was asked by US magazine about the secret to his almost 60-year marriage. He said, “Consideration. You have to care for [your spouse] and do a lot of forgiving and forgetting. It’s a two-way street. A lot of people don’t get married because they know they can get out of it at any minute. Hey, it was difficult for me to make that commitment, but when I make them, I stick with them.”
Commitment in marriage is a Joyful privilege
I remember reading of an elderly couple whose family had thrown a golden anniversary party for them. The husband was deeply touched by their kindness and stood to thank them. Then he looked at his wife of 50 years and tried to put into words just how he felt about her. Lifting his glass, he said: “My dear wife, after 50 years I’ve found you tried and true.” Everyone smiled their approval, but not his wife. She had hearing trouble, so she cupped one hand behind an ear and said, “Eh?” Her husband repeated himself loudly, “AFTER FIFTY YEARS, I’VE FOUND YOU TRIED AND TRUE!” His wife shot back, “Well, let me tell YOU something—after 50 years I’m tired of you, too!”
Thankfully, commitment doesn’t need to be like that. Marriage is not a life sentence; it is a joyful privilege. Paul Brand, the missionary doctor who worked for many years among leprosy victims in India, said these challenging words: “As I enter my sixth decade of marriage I can say without a flicker of hesitation that the basic human virtue of faithfulness to one partner is the most joyful way of life … I have always trusted my wife completely, and she me. We have each been able to channel love and commitment and intimacy to one person—a lifelong investment that is now, in old age, paying rich dividends.”
Obedience breeds commitment in marriage
A friend once told me that his parents always got along. That he had never heard them disagree, and he had certainly never heard them argue. I finally stopped laughing long enough to tell him that I couldn’t say that about Mom and Dad. But I never doubted their commitment to each other. What kept them committed? Simple obedience to the One with whom they had the most important relationship of all.
Often at night, I came into Mom and Dad’s room and found them praying together. Or reading the Bible together. They knew that “unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain” (Psalm 127:1). Mom told me one day, “Only with Christ at the center of our marriage, at the center of our home, at the center of everything we do, can we experience the greatest joy and fulfillment possible.”
My wife and I have made a commitment to read the Bible and pray together before we go to sleep each night. We haven’t always achieved that goal. In fact, sometimes, we have gone through weeks of neglecting it altogether. But when we follow through on this simple commitment, it can make a world of difference in our marriage. For one thing, I find it very difficult to read passages like Colossians 3:12-14 aloud to my wife without it having a dramatic effect on the way l treat her.
It is Christ alone who gives us the power to love others in this way.
Believe me, ours is not a perfect marriage. But I am far richer when I remember the three “Cs” of a great marriage: Communication. Commitment. Christ. It may not be the deepest thing you’ll ever read, but I’d rather be a happily married man than a philosopher. Any day.
Commitment Is The Foundation For A Deeply Connected Marriage
Commitment may not seem like the sexiest topic when it comes to marriage. In fact, sex is the sexiest topic. But commitment is the root of what it takes to build and maintain a truly lasting, happy life together.
What do you desire most in your marriage? Consider this passage from Genesis about Adam and Eve. It’s the same core passage on marriage that both Jesus Christ and the apostle Paul referred to in their major teachings about marriage (Matthew 19 and Ephesians 5): “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:24-25).
Naked and Unashamed
What does being naked and unashamed mean to you? I think this means that Adam and Eve felt completely accepted and loved. They had a deep emotional safety. I think this reflects the desire most of us have — to be accepted at the deepest level of our being. This is the type of love you can give to each other in marriage.
Notice that the deep intimacy described in Genesis is founded on the commitment implied in the earlier phrases. For starters, when you get married, your commitment implies that you must leave some things behind. The passage says that “a man shall leave his father and his mother.” The full meaning of this passage is easier to appreciate if you bear in mind that the Bible promotes a high level of respect for parents.
Commitment means sticking together
This passage also portrays permanence. The word for “hold fast” used in the original Hebrew is dabaq, which means “to adhere” or “to stick.” This is more than being stuck together. It’s sticking together in a deep, freely chosen commitment. Joining together in commitment is not to entrap the two of you but to free you for intimacy and connection. Only in the safety of a secure commitment is it reasonable to be naked and unashamed. The loss of freedom that comes with the boundaries of commitment in marriage actually creates new opportunities for a profound level of freedom within those boundaries.
The post The Power of Commitment in Marriage appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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