Things To Know Before and After Military Deployment

[Focus on the Family]

Military deployment can be an enormous adjustment for families. Regardless of which spouse is holding down the fort, here are things that you should know and anticipate both before and after the deployment.

Before Deployment: Preparing For Solo Duty​

Let’s say that deployment is fast approaching, and you’re bracing yourself for the separation. The spouse at home will serve as both mom and dad, as well as the “officer in charge” of all domestic affairs. In her book When Duty Calls, Carol Vandesteeg suggests holding a “Change of Command” ceremony in which you reassign household tasks and clearly state your expectations for the children’s behavior.

Regardless of which spouse holds down the fort, he or she should be well-versed in the following areas before the deployment begins:

Finances​

Husband and wife should be equally able to pay the bills and handle family finances since a short-notice separation may not allow time for additional training.

Do:​

• Be sure that the checking account is in both spouses’ names and that both spouses know the account’s Personal Identification Number (PIN).
• Make copies of all credit cards so you can cancel them quickly in case of loss or theft.
• Expect the deployment to strain your finances. Tighten your budget before you feel the pinch.
• Set up automatic bill pay through your checking account for as many monthly bills as possible. Keep track of the payment schedule to avoid being surprised by a sudden drop in funds.

Know:​

• How to order new checks.
• When and where to pay the rent or make a mortgage payment. If taxes and insurance are paid separately, know when they are due.
• The location of rental or lease agreements, deed to your home, real estate records, or mortgage information
• What to do if offered housing while a spouse is deployed—if you are on a waiting list for military housing
• Which bills to expect on a monthly basis
• Which bills to expect on a quarterly, semi-annual, or yearly basis, and how to budget for them
• How to file federal, state, and city income tax forms
• How to follow a monthly budget if you have one

Important Records​

Save yourself time and energy by organizing legal and personal documents.

Do:​

• Secure separate “special” Power of Attorney privileges to allow the spouse at home to cash checks, sell a vehicle, file taxes, replace ID cards, secure a loan, ship household goods, sign damage claims, accept quarters, take the kids out of the country for vacation, etc. Your unit should be able to set this up for you.
• Be sure both spouses have a will.
• Keep a record of each family member’s military ID card numbers and dates of expiration. Note when they need to be renewed and the process for doing so if the family member is deployed.
• Confirm that all dependents are enrolled in DEERS (Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System).

Keep the Following Documents in a Special Binder, File Cabinet, or Fireproof Safe:​

• Your marriage license, divorce decrees, or court orders relating to children
• Death certificates
• Birth certificates, adoption papers
• Citizenship or naturalization papers
• Social security cards and numbers for each family member
• Passports
• Copies of current military PCS and deployment orders
• School records and report cards for each child
• Income tax records
• Automobile titles and registrations
• Recent bills for easy access to account numbers
• Extra keys for car, house, and safe deposit boxes

Household Management​

Know the routine for basic household maintenance.

Do:​

• Set up an automobile maintenance schedule. (Your car dealership may be able to offer a plan.)
• Compile a list of repair services to call when appliances break down.
• Update your list of key telephone numbers, including doctors, poison control, Security Forces/Military Police, base operator, chaplain/pastor, Family Support Center, neighbors, friends, babysitters, and relatives.
• Give your neighbors’ numbers to your family in case they need to check on you and you’re not responding to phone calls or e-mails.
• Write out child care and pet care plans in case something should happen to you. Authorize someone else to pick up your kids from school and take them to the doctor in case of emergency.

Know:​

• How to change furnace filters
• The location of your fuse box or electric control panel and how to operate breaker switches
• How to change screen and storm windows and where they are stored
• How to use the fireplace and ventilate smoke correctly
• Where your tools, extra light bulbs, and batteries are kept
• What needs to be done and when to keep the house clean
• Which chores are age-appropriate for each child, and which ones they do regularly
• The children’s hygiene routines: How often they bathe, whether to supervise teeth brushing, and how to fix their hair
• The children’s clothing and shoe sizes, where to shop for them, and how much they need at one time

Maintain the Leadership of a Deployed Father​

Even when deployment takes the husband out of the home and the mom is clearly in control, a father can still maintain his leadership position in the family.

• Create recorded messages from Dad. Record Dad reading stories to the kids, sharing how much he loves them, telling them to obey their mom while he is gone, etc.
• Choose words wisely. A mother’s attitude can convey either resentment or understanding and love. Explain that Daddy misses the family and keep him “present” by saying things like, “Daddy would like that,” or “Daddy will love hearing about this!”
• Consult and consort. Communicate before making big decisions whenever possible. The wife can also share observations about the children with her husband, and together, they can develop a plan for their best interests. (Do this between deployments as well, so if communication isn’t possible, you’ll have to set a precedent.)
• Communicate. Utilize mail, Internet, and phone whenever possible. Send Dad pictures of the kids, their artwork, and audio or video clips of them doing everyday things. Likewise, the family needs to hear from the deployed father, even if all he has the energy to say is simply that he’s tired and will share more later.
• Collect photos of Dad. Post them around the home to maintain his presence and position in the family.

After Deployment: Renegotiating Leadership​

Your family has endured weeks or months of separation due to training, a temporary duty assignment (TDY), or a hardship tour. Reunion is just around the corner, and while you cannot wait to have everyone together again, questions lurk about the new balance of control and leadership between spouses. No matter which spouse has been away, both will need to make adjustments in order to ease the transition from independent individuals to a cohesive marital unit once again.

Know What to Expect After Deployment​

As you begin to navigate the “new normal” of your household, recognize where each spouse is coming from. Here’s what to expect:

1. The service member needs to know that your family needs him or her, since the family managed for a long time on their own. Assure the service member of his or her vital place in the family.
2. The service member will wonder how he or she still fits into the family. The children may go to the parent who has been home for everything and ignore the other.
3. The service member may feel hurt if children hold back from him or her. Talk about the best way to approach young children.
4. The service member may want to step right back in to handle all of the family’s responsibilities. Talk about how to best divide family duties and give the transition time to develop.
5. It will be hard for the hero at home to give up sole control of the family to share it with the returning soldier.
6. The service member may not notice some of the adjustments the family needs to make because he or she is home again.
7. The spouse at home will be more independent than before deployment.
8. The spouse at home will have new skills gained during the deployment.

Take It Slow​

When it’s time to renegotiate household duties, a revised budget plan, etc., first allow time for the service member to adjust to life back home. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

• Eliminate as much stress as possible during the first few days. Make meals ahead or have friends bring food in. You’ll both be more at ease if the house and yard are in order for the reunion. See if you can get some extra help with the kids in that first week home to carve out more time for just the two of you.
• Take time to talk. Communicate about the changes that have taken place in each other, with the kids and in the home. What were your decision-making roles before and during deployment? How do you expect it to change now? Did the spouse at home change his/her childrearing philosophy or habits? How?
• Avoid making a long to-do list right away. You can’t make up for lost time, so move forward at a reasonable pace. “Once they come home, transfer responsibilities one at a time,” says Army wife Christine Chomos, currently stationed near Ft. Knox, Kentucky. “They have so few choices when deployed, my husband found it hard to decide on things right away. It is important to take it slow for everyone’s sake, especially the kids.”
• Make changes slowly. Don’t be too quick to take over or give up a responsibility. Take time to understand how your family or the circumstances have changed since you were last together. Make changes gradually.”When Dad comes home, he spends a lot of time watching what I’m doing and our routine, and tries to blend in with what’s already happening,” says Army wife Cathy Hicks of Ft. Richardson, Alaska. “If he sees any changes that need to be made, he waits a few days before we start implementing them. That way, the boys’ lives aren’t shaken up all at once, and he can get a feel for what works and what doesn’t.”

Support Each Other​

As parents’ roles and the balance of leadership shift, remember that you are all on the same team. Support each other:

• Communicate appreciation. The service member should look for and comment on positive changes in the family and household. Tell them you are proud of them and appreciate their extra work while you were away.
• Don’t allow kids to pit you against each other. If your children come to you (service member) first, try to find out how things were done while you were gone before you respond to their requests so you don’t contradict your spouse.
• View changes in each spouse positively. For example, wives who care for the home during a deployment are often much more independent than they were before the separation. When husbands return, wives often feel torn between enjoying their competence and the need to restore their husbands to their former role at home. There is no need for a husband to be threatened by his wife’s new sense of leadership. Appreciate her growth while sorting out how you will share the household responsibilities.
• Make it official. If you had a family “Change of Command” ceremony before Dad left, have another one now. This can help sort out the family responsibilities and begin the shift to make the deployed spouse part of the daily activities again. Children can help list responsibilities, plan the event, and organize a fun reception after the ceremony.
• Commit to spiritual leadership. No matter which parent was deployed, now is a good time for the father to continue—or begin—to lead family devotions and provide spiritual guidance. Remember that you cannot impart to your children and family what you do not possess yourself. Read good books, spend time with God and surround yourself with positive influences.

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