Zero compliments from husband

[Larky]

After 45 years of marriage, 2 years ago, my husband suddenly stopped paying me compliments about anything: my appearance, my cooking, favors for him, my ideas, housekeeping etc. He suddenly stopped opening doors for me, or bring me flowers etc. This was abrupt and obvious. I'm nearly finished with my first novel and he's never even asked me what it is about. I'm tired and done with trying to figure out what happened or what I did (or didn't do) prior to this behavior change. We have always had a traditional marriage. He was career military, now in engineering and IT work. I have a college education, and did work part time outside of the home when we needed additional income. We used to travel. I loved the military life and was very supportive and proud of him. Now, we don't do anything together. He goes to work-related social events (he doesn't invite me). The only activity we do together is go to a Sunday Church service, or have lunch with our grown son. (I should mention that we have a 40 year old daughter who hasn't spoken to him in 7 years--she won't talk to me unless I am divorced.) I am involved with a thriving women's Bible study and get my "oxygen" there. When I express a fun idea for us to do together, he says, "Great. Go call a friend." He encourages me to go on a cruise without him. (He obviously doesn't realize how dangerous this is for me and our marriage in my present state of mind...I'm sure I'll sin if I go! ) He sincerely praises younger women in my presence and friends have witnessed him when he doesn't realize they are listening and have reported to me because they want me to leave him. He compliments the women he works with and then tells me all about them. He just bought a motorcycle for the first time and has let his hair grow longer. We are both 65, but I take great care with my appearance. I get asked out by strangers all the time, usually much younger. I am always shocked and this is always a temptation!!!!! This is my secret sin: remembering that I am attractive and have value to someone, in a sexual type of way. This makes me stop crying for his attention. My husband will not let me discuss marriage with him. He shuts me right down with "not this again, please!" We are both Christians and don't believe in divorce, but I want it so badly. I was in marriage counseling for 2 years. He came 2 sessions to discuss our marriage. He came 12 sessions to discuss our grown, married children, but now loudly discredits our therapist as a "quack". so devastating and embarrassing! I'm completely at a loss as to why he resents me. We never fight or argue. He won't allow it. But he's so detached and so cold only toward me. We sleep in separate rooms because he works "grave yard" shift. BTW, he volunteered for that shift. Avoidance of me......and other people? We have lost so many couple's friendships because of "his unwanted candor" with them and his treatment (or non-treatment) of me is "uncomfortable", as one friend said. I would LOVE a little candor from him. I know complimenting isn't natural for him, but he used to try and would succeed. The "clinker" that hurts the worst is that he compliments EVERYONE except me. I recently lost 30 pounds. I was so excited. He said, "Didn't notice" without even glancing at me. When I sucked it up the tears and excitedly showed him how large my clothes are, he looked at his Bible (yep!) and said, "Good for you." Sob. Worst day: I had to put our very ill cat to sleep. My Son and Daughter in Law immediately said they would come with me. My husband decided to come (at my son's insistence) but sat in the chair furthest away from me. Even the vet was surprised; it was so obvious. I was grieving for my kitty, yet was so hurt and humiliated. I prayed to Jesus to "be my husband" and hold my spirit's hand, then held my kids' hands. I'm prepared to divorce IF he decides to leave. I'm not sure if I still love him and I'm not sure that his behavior is truly "abuse" in God's eyes. I thought that after 45 years, we would have that special deep, abiding love that so many older Christians have. I always thought, that with Jesus' help, I could "re-kindle that flame" if he would just participate. I'm a responder by nature. I'm financially able to leave, but I don't want to be single. I used to think we had one of the good marriages. I know "all is vanity," (compliments included) but my love language is Words and I'm starving for them. (Yes, he actually read the "Love Languages" book, but said his love language wasn't listed, and he wouldn't tell me just what his is). In counseling, I learned that a man's needs are very specific and tangiable. I made a list of 10 and try to secretly address each one every day. Compliments are easy for me and I'm truly sincere. I don't think he notices or cares that I'm trying so desperately. Bless you for reading this far! To sum up, has anyone experienced these problems? Is this all sin? What did you do? Is divorce warranted? I'm not sure that divorce would solve my problems. I am older and wiser than I used to be, but still sensitive and hating the fact that I am!

 

[Hopeful 2]

After 45 years of marriage, 2 years ago, my husband suddenly stopped paying me compliments about anything: my appearance, my cooking, favors for him, my ideas, housekeeping etc. He suddenly stopped opening doors for me, or bring me flowers etc. This was abrupt and obvious. I'm nearly finished with my first novel and he's never even asked me what it is about. I'm tired and done with trying to figure out what happened or what I did (or didn't do) prior to this behavior change. We have always had a traditional marriage. He was career military, now in engineering and IT work. I have a college education, and did work part time outside of the home when we needed additional income. We used to travel. I loved the military life and was very supportive and proud of him. Now, we don't do anything together. He goes to work-related social events (he doesn't invite me). The only activity we do together is go to a Sunday Church service, or have lunch with our grown son. (I should mention that we have a 40 year old daughter who hasn't spoken to him in 7 years--she won't talk to me unless I am divorced.) I am involved with a thriving women's Bible study and get my "oxygen" there. When I express a fun idea for us to do together, he says, "Great. Go call a friend." He encourages me to go on a cruise without him. (He obviously doesn't realize how dangerous this is for me and our marriage in my present state of mind...I'm sure I'll sin if I go! ) He sincerely praises younger women in my presence and friends have witnessed him when he doesn't realize they are listening and have reported to me because they want me to leave him. He compliments the women he works with and then tells me all about them. He just bought a motorcycle for the first time and has let his hair grow longer. We are both 65, but I take great care with my appearance. I get asked out by strangers all the time, usually much younger. I am always shocked and this is always a temptation!!!!! This is my secret sin: remembering that I am attractive and have value to someone, in a sexual type of way. This makes me stop crying for his attention. My husband will not let me discuss marriage with him. He shuts me right down with "not this again, please!" We are both Christians and don't believe in divorce, but I want it so badly. I was in marriage counseling for 2 years. He came 2 sessions to discuss our marriage. He came 12 sessions to discuss our grown, married children, but now loudly discredits our therapist as a "quack". so devastating and embarrassing! I'm completely at a loss as to why he resents me. We never fight or argue. He won't allow it. But he's so detached and so cold only toward me. We sleep in separate rooms because he works "grave yard" shift. BTW, he volunteered for that shift. Avoidance of me......and other people? We have lost so many couple's friendships because of "his unwanted candor" with them and his treatment (or non-treatment) of me is "uncomfortable", as one friend said. I would LOVE a little candor from him. I know complimenting isn't natural for him, but he used to try and would succeed. The "clinker" that hurts the worst is that he compliments EVERYONE except me. I recently lost 30 pounds. I was so excited. He said, "Didn't notice" without even glancing at me. When I sucked it up the tears and excitedly showed him how large my clothes are, he looked at his Bible (yep!) and said, "Good for you." Sob. Worst day: I had to put our very ill cat to sleep. My Son and Daughter in Law immediately said they would come with me. My husband decided to come (at my son's insistence) but sat in the chair furthest away from me. Even the vet was surprised; it was so obvious. I was grieving for my kitty, yet was so hurt and humiliated. I prayed to Jesus to "be my husband" and hold my spirit's hand, then held my kids' hands. I'm prepared to divorce IF he decides to leave. I'm not sure if I still love him and I'm not sure that his behavior is truly "abuse" in God's eyes. I thought that after 45 years, we would have that special deep, abiding love that so many older Christians have. I always thought, that with Jesus' help, I could "re-kindle that flame" if he would just participate. I'm a responder by nature. I'm financially able to leave, but I don't want to be single. I used to think we had one of the good marriages. I know "all is vanity," (compliments included) but my love language is Words and I'm starving for them. (Yes, he actually read the "Love Languages" book, but said his love language wasn't listed, and he wouldn't tell me just what his is). In counseling, I learned that a man's needs are very specific and tangiable. I made a list of 10 and try to secretly address each one every day. Compliments are easy for me and I'm truly sincere. I don't think he notices or cares that I'm trying so desperately. Bless you for reading this far! To sum up, has anyone experienced these problems? Is this all sin? What did you do? Is divorce warranted? I'm not sure that divorce would solve my problems. I am older and wiser than I used to be, but still sensitive and hating the fact that I am!

When was the last time he saw a doctor ?
Teel his doc' what is going on.

 

[KV-44-v1]

Is divorce warranted?

dee-vorz? i doubt it.
it seems like the person is "bunkering" himself mentally.
dee-vorz is a thing now, because of the Fall in the Garden.

What God has made let no man put asunder!

 

[Christian Saboteur]

My gosh,your situation mirrors my relationship with my wife,Oh Boy!,it's worse than I thought.Im not qualified to comment on your situation,I'll pray for you Mrs.WhatsHerName.