Infidelity

[Bentnotbroken]

My husband and I are both Christians and have been together since we were teenagers. We have been married for almost 13 years. About 6 years ago I found out that he had been cheating on me with a woman at his work. It was an emotional and physical affair although they did not have sex. Our marriage was in a bad state and I felt like I wasn't there for him and I could take some blame in pushing him away and the affair happening. It took time, prayer and persistence but we seemed to recover. Things over the last few years seemed to be going great to me and I thought we were closer than ever until I found sexual text messages between him and a former co-worker. I found out he had kissed her months earlier and never confessed to me or anything. He was pursuing her attentions over text and she was reciprocating. I am so hurt and devastated. My husband says he is so sorry and he never meant to hurt me. We have started Christian counseling to see if the marriage can be salvaged. I am so hurt, angry and sad. I'm mad at myself for being willing to work on a marriage after he did this to me again. I don't know if I should pursue this marriage or not and was seeking advice from anyone who has been through this or advice on how to cope. The counselor is telling us to not make any decisions on our marriage for three months and to try to work on it during this time. I'm so confused and hurt...

 

[handy]

Hello, welcome to our forums. Your's is a heartbreaking issue and I hope that you can find encouragement and good council here. I can only imagine the kind of hurt you must have gone through. Some of our members have faced these kinds of issues and hopefully they can help you.

My only direct response to your post is that I think the counselor is giving some good advice as to not make any decisions for three months. This gives you a chance to work through your emotions a bit and make decisions based upon facts and godly discernment rather than hurt and pain.

 

[Brother Mike]

My wife Cheated on my once. I also went through a bunch of emotional junk, and cried like a school girl for over a year. My first step was to realize that me being hurt was just selfish on my part because I am suppose to love my wife as Christ loves the Church and Jesus certainly does not come crying about how His Church messed up in the past and how hurt He is over it. NO, Jesus always thinks on how to fix the problem and be a blessings to others. Not lingering on past things, that help nothing.

Once I got to that point of forgiveness. Then whatever my wife did was no issue. It would not effect me emotionally. If she cheated on me again, I would just throw her butt out because nothing is going to stand in the way of me and the plan of God for my life. She can come with me, or not come with me. No matter what happens, God has my best interest at heart, so with her or not, it does not matter. We have but a very short time here on earth to do what God called us to do, and I don't have time to play around with someone that is not on my team. Eternal things are decided here and now!!!

My goal is to be a major blessing to my wife and think of her first. She gets the best egg in the morning, first on the cup of coffee, everything as Christ loved the Church. My love for my wife is not based on human feelings but something greater that is inside me. Feelings come and go, but God's love in us is eternal.

You have to go where your faith is at. Living in a relationship where you can't trust someone is not a good thing. Anything that would hinder the plan of God in your life is not a good thing. Your husband needs taken out back and have a serious talk with some serious Christian men of God. He may not be able to walk back on his own, but I think He would get the point.

Blessings.

Mike.

 

[Matthew G]

First of all, welcome to CF.net, and I wish that salutation could be given under better circumstances.

I, for one, don't have to imagine the pain, confusion, and anger you're feeling. I have lived it, on steroids, skating uphill both ways. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, sent it back.

Your counselor is giving you good advice, but from my own personal experience I'm going to say this - do NOT put a time frame on this. Especially with your husband showing real remorse and a willingness to change. In my own struggle it was five years of prayer, hard work, and some more anger and heart ache (mostly, but not completely, one-sided) before my marriage finally began to turn around.

Today, my wife and I will readily admit that we still don't have all the answers, but it is ONLY through the grace the Lord gave us to begin again that we are even stronger today than we ever have been.

God's will is for your marriage to succeed, no matter what it looks like now. There may be people around you who say, "Well you know since it was adultery you can leave him." I am here to tell you to stay away from those people. They are not your friends and they have no idea what they're talking about.

Yes, adultery is given in Scripture as the only viable reason for divorce, but remember what Jesus said.

"They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away? He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so." - Matthew 19:7-8 (emphasis added)

As far as how to cope, it is a very simple - yet difficult - 16 Step Process.

Forgive. Forgive. Forgive.
Pray. Pray. Pray.
Read. Read. Read. (Your Bible, that is)
Work. Work. Work. (At your marriage, that is)
Pray. Pray. Pray.
Repeat.

Forgiveness is absolutely crucial. Now I know there's a big difference between forgiving and forgetting, but the goal is not to forget - that's something you'll probably never be able to make yourself do. But you can forgive. Furthermore, you have to.

" But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." - Matthew 6:15

What's important to note here is that Jesus did not say, "neither CAN your Father forgive your trespasses." He said, "neither WILL..." That's a big difference, and it's meaning is absolutely clear.

This is going to be difficult. Absolutely it is. But it is also doable, and more importantly, it is WORTH doing. Fight tooth and nail for your marriage, and ask God for the grace to begin again. If both you and your husband ask for it, He will give it to you.

Father I want to lift up my sister in Christ in her time of urgent need. Father I don't know all the specifics, but I know she's hurting, I know she's angry, I know she's confused, even feeling guilty and perhaps unworthy. Lord God I believe you put me here today to tell this woman the devil is a liar, and that those feelings do NOT have to control her as she may feel they do. Father God I am so grateful that both parties are taking the initiative to begin reconciliation, that both are willing to put in the hours and the effort to perfect the picture You call marriage. Lord God I am stepping into their realm and I claim this marriage for them in the mighty name of Christ Jesus, that all the bindings and the whispers of the enemy would be shattered, and Lord God that you would draw the both of them closer to each other and to you, that you would show them how to love one another as husband and wife. Lord I pray DESPERATELY that Your glory would be know throughout this trial, and Lord that when it is all said and done, and the smoke has finally cleared, that this couple will have a testimony that will shake the very ground of Hell itself. I commend this couple to your care Lord. You know their needs better than any of us, and I ask that those needs would be met, and met in such abundance that the enemy would quake in his boots at just the thought of approaching them again.

I ask these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

 

[Bentnotbroken]

I am so thankful for your words, guidance and prayers. I am so confused and I don't want to walk in unforgiveness or selfishness but its so hard to move past the hurt. I'm so appreciative of the guidance given here because so many people that do not believe in God would tell me to divorce him, but I do believe in God, his grace and my vows of marriage. How do you stop the thoughts in your head and the reminders of the affair? I know this is only hurting me more but I can't get it out of my head.

 

[Matthew G]

but its so hard to move past the hurt.

Anything worth doing is usually hard. It's natural to feel this way because right now your heart is broken, but what you have to do is lead your heart away from that hurt, rather than letting it lead you into more despair. The heart is evil above all measure (Jeremiah 17:9).

It is a conscious decision you have to make. Every day. Maybe every hour. Maybe even every minute for awhile (I did).

As I'm sure you already know, marriage is not based on emotion. It's based on commitment. You have to wake up every day and make the decision that you are going to make your marriage work no matter what. And I'm not just talking about right now while you deal with this issue, I mean every single day of your marriage. Because if you don't you open the door for the enemy to break into your marriage and wreak havoc. Remember he looks for those he can devour (1 Peter 5:8), and so you have got to lead your heart and your mind to make sure you and your home don't end up on the menu.

How do you stop the thoughts in your head and the reminders of the affair? I know this is only hurting me more but I can't get it out of my head.

I think I should probably tell you that everyone is different, and what worked for me may not work for you. I'm sure you already know that, but still...

Anyway, this is what helped me.

I struggled with visual images, emotional explosions (internal), and all those little whispers of, "Remember? Remember? Remember?" on an almost hourly basis for quite awhile. Remember it took 5 years for my marriage to turn around. Things have been great for 2 years, and even today every once in a while something will try to sneak in. When that happens, I do now exactly what I used to do back then.

You have to seize that thought immediately The very moment it enters your mind. Do NOT let it even THINK about getting a foothold! Just grab that thought with everything you have, and send up a prayer. It doesn't have to be a drawn out thing. It doesn't even have to be the least bit formal. For the longest, my prayer was a simple, "Lord, I know what's going on right now. I've got this thing right here, and I want you to let me give it to you."

In the very beginning, my most powerful prayers in those moments sounded like this:

"HHHHHEEEEELLLLLPPPPP!!!!!"

In both cases, I would begin to feel those emotions leave me almost immediately. Now that doesn't mean they didn't come back. They did. All the time.

Why? Because the enemy knows full well what buttons to push, and that my relationship with my wife will get the biggest reaction, so he'd press that stupid button until he wore the freakin' thing out! Every time, I'd grab that thought, that picture, that whisper, whatever it was, and just ask God to let me give to Him. Ask Him to take it.

He never once let me down.

 

[Mountain Man]

I hesitate to comment on this but I do have some experience with it,the "just get over it crowd" will tell you to...well just get over it...bully for them.The bible teaches against adultery,it is one of the 10 commandments,if there is no recourse or remedy for the one who was betrayed then it is an empty commandment and law and means nothing and people are free to commit adultery with impunity as many times as they wish.I support working things out if you can but there are cases that cannot be worked out and the one betrayed is free to leave,it has nothing to do with forgiveness and everything to do with sin having a penalty and price to pay...if that is not true then all the principles and values of the bible mean nothing and reaping what one sows is meaningless as well.

 

[Bentnotbroken]

[MENTION=95489]Mountain Man[/MENTION] that is the struggle I am having. I feel like the first time I was able to forgive and work through things. I felt that I had some responsibility to share in what had happened. This time, I feel lied to and betrayed. The only reason I found out was because I saw text messages and read the past ones about my husband and this woman making out. I'm struggling with knowing if forgiveness is the answer or walking away because of the adultery. This seems to be a recurring pattern and I often wonder how many more women there were that I never knew about. He swears there were no others but he also lied repeatedly about this one when I confronted him. I want to be a good wife and honor my vows but I can't be the only one in a marriage doing that.

 

[Mountain Man]

[MENTION=95489]Mountain Man[/MENTION] that is the struggle I am having. I feel like the first time I was able to forgive and work through things. I felt that I had some responsibility to share in what had happened. This time, I feel lied to and betrayed. The only reason I found out was because I saw text messages and read the past ones about my husband and this woman making out. I'm struggling with knowing if forgiveness is the answer or walking away because of the adultery. This seems to be a recurring pattern and I often wonder how many more women there were that I never knew about. He swears there were no others but he also lied repeatedly about this one when I confronted him. I want to be a good wife and honor my vows but I can't be the only one in a marriage doing that.

All I can say is that if there is no penalty for people do they will continue to do it,the bible says "thou shall not commit adultery" if one can commit adultery with no penalty or loss what is the point of the commandment or any of them for that matter or the point of marriage it's self,forgiveness involves not having hatred and resentment in your heart towards someone for their betrayal and we are called to forgive but adultery breaks the marriage covenant because the two have now become three,or four or......

 

[Matthew G]

Hello again.

To be honest, Mountain Man began a trend that made my stomach drop. I understand full well how you feel, and why he is making the point that you will not be condemned - by God or anyone else - for walking away.

However, I am one who believes your marriage is the most important thing in your entire universe, second ONLY to God. I do not believe in walking away, except in some very crucial circumstances which, if I may be frank, your situation does not fit into.

I know some people around here see what I tell people about hanging in there, about forgiveness, about committing 10000000% to making their marriage work no matter what. Some of them think I'm nuts. Some even think I'm stupid. But I (and I sincerely believe my God) do not.

It is my opinion that people have gotten to sensitive nowadays. Don't get me wrong - I am not saying you should not feel what you're feeling right now. You have EVERY RIGHT to feel that way. However, I see thousands of people who hang on the phrase "except it be for fornication" and just say "well he/she cheated, so just walk away and don't worry about it".

To be frank that angers me. It angers me because once upon a time marriage was something to be respected - and furthermore women married their 18 or 19 year old (or older) husbands when they were 13 or 14 years old and given homes to run and children to raise. They were often mistreated, even abused, and yet those marriages stayed together until one of them was dead.

I know. My great-grandmother loves telling stories about being the last one to eat because she cooked, served my grandpa and their kids, then waited for them to finish, then waited for grandpa to quit smoking his pipe and finally leave the table, and then she would sit down and eat.

I don't mean to get off topic, I'm just saying that's how it was back then, and even worse, and yet those women stayed faithful to their husbands no matter what. But nowadays we have this notion that every relationship we have is supposed to make us feel good all the time, and if it doesn’t, then we should walk away.

I could not disagree more. The hurt is what makes it worth it. And furthermore, it is an exercise for your faith. Ask any athlete – unless you put your muscles under strain, they will never gain any strength. That is a medical fact. Period.

Your faith operates the same way. It’s easy to have faith and trust God and love God when everything’s going your way. But it’s times like the one you’re facing that really builds true faith.

“I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction.” – Isaiah 48:10b

Have you ever done something you knew you could do? It feels great, doesn’t it?

BUT!!!

Have you ever done something you thought you could not do? It makes your spirit soar in ways you can’t even describe, doesn’t it?

You see the point I’m making here?

It’s not supposed to be easy. Nobody ever said it was easy. They just said it was worth it.

 

[Mountain Man]

. They were often mistreated, even abused, and yet those marriages stayed together until one of them was dead.

Is this the "respect for marriage you spoke of,it is this very thing that we have to thank for Feminism.

I know some people around here see what I tell people about hanging in there, about forgiveness, about committing 10000000% to making their marriage work no matter what. Some of them think I'm nuts. Some even think I'm stupid. But I (and I sincerely believe my God) do not.

A marriage where one person is faithful and one is sleeping around is not working,you are not stupid but your definition of a successful or "working" marriage is odd.

nowadays we have this notion that every relationship we have is supposed to make us feel good all the time, and if it doesn’t, then we should walk away.

Simple basic respect in a relationship is not too much to ask,knowing your husband or wife is having sex with another is not a minor irritation that fails to make one feel good,it is a gross violation of the phrase the "two shall become one" and it becomes three or four or five become one...it is a filthy perversion that is not to be tolerated.

I could not disagree more. The hurt is what makes it worth it. And furthermore, it is an exercise for your faith. Ask any athlete – unless you put your muscles under strain, they will never gain any strength. That is a medical fact. Period.

And I could not disagree more,what depths of depravity have we reached when we define the value of relationships based on how much pain people inflict on each other.

 

[Matthew G]

Originally Posted by Matthew G
. They were often mistreated, even abused, and yet those marriages stayed together until one of them was dead.

Is this the "respect for marriage you spoke of,it is this very thing that we have to thank for Feminism.

My point here was the simple fact that marriage itself (not the individuals who were married) used to be respected, and something that was taken deathly seriously even by those who weren't treated well within it's confines. Nowadays at the first sign of "this isn't as great as I thought it would be" people start looking for a way out.

Originally Posted by Matthew G
I know some people around here see what I tell people about hanging in there, about forgiveness, about committing 10000000% to making their marriage work no matter what. Some of them think I'm nuts. Some even think I'm stupid. But I (and I sincerely believe my God) do not.
Amarriage where one person is faithful and one is sleeping around is not working,you are not stupid but your definition of a successful marriage is odd.

I never said that kind of marriage is a successful one. I said God wants your marriage to be successful no matter what it looks like now.

Originally Posted by Matthew G
nowadays we have this notion that every relationship we have is supposed to make us feel good all the time, and if it doesn’t, then we should walk away.
Simple basic respect in a relationship is not too much to ask,knowing your husband or wife is having sex with another is not a minor irritation that fails to make one feel good,it is a gross violation of the phrase the "two shall become one" and it becomes three or four or five become one...it is a filthy perversion that is not to be tolerated.

Simple respect is not too much to ask for, you're absolutely correct on that point. However, we are all just people. To be blunt, every single person on earth sucks as a human being. We are vile, selfish, conniving, ungenerous, poor excuses for a living soul.

But the entire point of the Scripture is that we can change. Not in and of ourselves, of course, but that the Lord can change us. He sent His Son to die on the cross so each and every one of us would be given that chance.

Look at the atrocities Paul committed. I'd say he was a far worse human being that someone who cheats on his/her spouse - and yet he wrote most of the New Testament. That was the entire point of Paul's conversion, to show the power contained within God's grace to change who we are. So when someone - even our spouse - screws up, no matter how badly, we are called to forgiveness and reconciliation.

I know how it feels to know your spouse has been someone else. And yes, it is a gross violation, but the simple facts are these - God hates divorce. We are called to forgive. He can (and will) give us grace to begin again.

Originally Posted by Matthew G
I could not disagree more. The hurt is what makes it worth it. And furthermore, it is an exercise for your faith. Ask any athlete – unless you put your muscles under strain, they will never gain any strength. That is a medical fact. Period.
And I could not disagree more,what depths of depravity have we reached when we define the value of relationships based on how much pain people inflict on each other

I don't mean to be rude, but now I feel like you're beginning to twist my words, as twice now you have basically put words in my mouth. I'm not saying the pain is where we get the value of our relationships. You completely disregarded what I said next.

Your faith operates the same way. It’s easy to have faith and trust God and love God when everything’s going your way. But it’s times like the one you’re facing that really builds true faith.

“I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction.” – Isaiah 48:10b

Have you ever done something you knew you could do? It feels great, doesn’t it?

BUT!!!

Have you ever done something you thought you could not do? It makes your spirit soar in ways you can’t even describe, doesn’t it?

You see the point I’m making here?

It's not the pain that you get your value from. It's the strength you have gained through riding out the storms.

You make it sound like it can't be done, or that it shouldn't. Please check your PM box and you'll know why I say it can.

 

[Mountain Man]

My point here was the simple fact that marriage itself (not the individuals who were married) used to be respected, and something that was taken deathly seriously even by those who weren't treated well within it's confines. Nowadays at the first sign of "this isn't as great as I thought it would be" people start looking for a way out.



I never said that kind of marriage is a successful one. I said God wants your marriage to be successful no matter what it looks like now.



Simple respect is not too much to ask for, you're absolutely correct on that point. However, we are all just people. To be blunt, every single person on earth sucks as a human being. We are vile, selfish, conniving, ungenerous, poor excuses for a living soul.

But the entire point of the Scripture is that we can change. Not in and of ourselves, of course, but that the Lord can change us. He sent His Son to die on the cross so each and every one of us would be given that chance.

Look at the atrocities Paul committed. I'd say he was a far worse human being that someone who cheats on his/her spouse - and yet he wrote most of the New Testament. That was the entire point of Paul's conversion, to show the power contained within God's grace to change who we are. So when someone - even our spouse - screws up, no matter how badly, we are called to forgiveness and reconciliation.

I know how it feels to know your spouse has been someone else. And yes, it is a gross violation, but the simple facts are these - God hates divorce. We are called to forgive. He can (and will) give us grace to begin again.

Originally Posted by Matthew G
I could not disagree more. The hurt is what makes it worth it. And furthermore, it is an exercise for your faith. Ask any athlete – unless you put your muscles under strain, they will never gain any strength. That is a medical fact. Period.
And I could not disagree more,what depths of depravity have we reached when we define the value of relationships based on how much pain people inflict on each other

I don't mean to be rude, but now I feel like you're beginning to twist my words, as twice now you have basically put words in my mouth. I'm not saying the pain is where we get the value of our relationships. You completely disregarded what I said next.

Your faith operates the same way. It’s easy to have faith and trust God and love God when everything’s going your way. But it’s times like the one you’re facing that really builds true faith.

“I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction.” – Isaiah 48:10b

Have you ever done something you knew you could do? It feels great, doesn’t it?

BUT!!!

Have you ever done something you thought you could not do? It makes your spirit soar in ways you can’t even describe, doesn’t it?

You see the point I’m making here?

It's not the pain that you get your value from. It's the strength you have gained through riding out the storms.

You make it sound like it can't be done, or that it shouldn't. Please check your PM box and you'll know why I say it can.

I did and I understand,i have never said that walking away is the very first thing one should consider,however what value does the commandment against adultery have if it is to be disregarded in favor of a form of foregiveness that does nothing to stop it,people will do what they can get by with....does God say to us do as you please,fullfill your evil desires at every opportunity and I will forgive you with no consequences ? The position you take is based on a remorseful spouse seeking reconciliation and forgiveness....it is not always that way.

 

[Matthew G]

I did and I understand,i have never said that walking away is the very first thing one should consider,however what value does the commandment against adultery have if it is to be disregarded in favor of a form of foregiveness that does nothing to stop it,people will do what they can get by with....does God say to us do as you please,fullfill your evil desires at every opportunity and I will forgive you with no consequences ?

The Law was passed over in favor of forgiveness by and through Christ. And yet how many millions continue to sin and do as we shouldn't? Even we as believers are guilty of this.

I know this is specifically about adultery, but does the Scripture not say that if you break one aspect of the law, that you are guilty for breaking all of it (James 2:10)?

 

[Mountain Man]

I did and I understand,i have never said that walking away is the very first thing one should consider,however what value does the commandment against adultery have if it is to be disregarded in favor of a form of foregiveness that does nothing to stop it,people will do what they can get by with....does God say to us do as you please,fullfill your evil desires at every opportunity and I will forgive you with no consequences ?

The Law was passed over in favor of forgiveness by and through Christ. And yet how many millions continue to sin and do as we shouldn't? Even we as believers are guilty of this.

I know this is specifically about adultery, but does the Scripture not say that if you break one aspect of the law, that you are guilty for breaking all of it (James 2:10)?

That is the "nobody's perfect" approach and is used by many to excuse their actions...before I became a Christian my actions were based on not getting caught and avoiding consequences...I can apply this to Christianity as well ? an environment of easy forgivism and lawlessness has produced adultery rates through the roof and has done nothing to prevent it and will do nothing to prevent it.

 

[Matthew G]

I honestly think deep down we believe the same thing - I believe that at some point divorce is the only option (in extreme cases IMO) - but that my "go ahead and divorce" fuse is longer than yours in this issue.

Respectfully, I think we've hijacked this thread, and we should probably get it back to topic. Perhaps regarding the specifics of this topic, we should agree to disagree?

 

[Mountain Man]

That is the "nobody's perfect" approach and is used by many to excuse their actions

I'm not excusing anything. I'm stating a fact. I also said this

But the entire point of the Scripture is that we can change. Not in and of ourselves, of course, but that the Lord can change us. He sent His Son to die on the cross so each and every one of us would be given that chance.

Look at the atrocities Paul committed. I'd say he was a far worse human being that someone who cheats on his/her spouse - and yet he wrote most of the New Testament. That was the entire point of Paul's conversion, to show the power contained within God's grace to change who we are. So when someone - even our spouse - screws up, no matter how badly, we are called to forgiveness and reconciliation.

You are stating a fact of possibility..." everyone can change" yes...does everyone change no....if you say that breaking one commandment is the same as breaking all of them why do you say that Paul is far worse ? he persecuted Christians and that is sin,the man or woman who breaks their marriage covenant that is also sin....forgiveness is not without consequences,what you call for is slavery and ownership of one person over another with no remedy or recourse,no wonder so many people believe that the Bible supports things like slavery and abuse of one by another.

 

[Mountain Man]

I honestly think deep down we believe the same thing - I believe that at some point divorce is the only option (in extreme cases IMO) - but that my "go ahead and divorce" fuse is longer than yours in this issue.

Respectfully, I think we've hijacked this thread, and we should probably get it back to topic. Perhaps regarding the specifics of this topic, we should agree to disagree?

Fair enough.

 

[reba]

It was Saul who persecuted Christians not Paul....

 

[Matthew G]

I honestly think deep down we believe the same thing - I believe that at some point divorce is the only option (in extreme cases IMO) - but that my "go ahead and divorce" fuse is longer than yours in this issue.

Respectfully, I think we've hijacked this thread, and we should probably get it back to topic. Perhaps regarding the specifics of this topic, we should agree to disagree?

Fair enough.

Sounds like a plan. Ready...BREAK!!!