Thanks for your prayer.
I do not mean that he shall be won as a magic wand to be won, but through my action of prayer that he will be. Sorry, if that was conveyed differently.
You have made some great points and it also confirms that Christ is still here with me because I feel hopeless in my situation. I have been through tough trials before so it does help to have that support.
Thanks for replying, and I pray that that sincere prayer gave you hope and strength.
And that part about a "magic wand" was not meant to directly attack you. I was addressing a common misconception about that verse, and I really dislike it when someone turns the Word of God into a "magic wand". Bit that is my issue, not yours
Let's talk about hubby a bit. I am not about to give an evaluation. However ALL strange behavior is caused by other factors. Some are known, others are unknown, or hidden deep in the recesses of our minds. For example as a 23 years-old, a spouse, and in college part time, I remember being hyper vigilant, and always on guard that "someone would get to me". As a result, I was a perfectionist, and the brain power that God gave to me I used it as a club against enemies real, or mostly imagined. I was NOT a nice person to be around. Inside me was a prevailing sense of rage. Thanks to godly counseling, I have been healed of that, and many other things.
Recently on TV, I saw several shows about the hell that the soldiers go through on their way back home due to the trauma of war. It is called PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Suddenly I saw a cause-effect of my emotional abuse as a child, and saw the same defense mechanisms that I used to "ward off the bad stuff" (abuse victims are always looking out for signs of abuse being dished out, and seek ways to get away) as the veterans displayed to cope with the stresses any hyper adrenaline rush they get in combat.
So you write this telling paragraph:
We fought about money because he felt like I was holding back from him. By holding back he thought that since we joined households when getting married that I should have extra money. I actually had to write out everything I paid on my own for him to have an illustration of my asset vs. debt ratio. He apologized because he didnt understand. I was hurt and made it clear because he didn't trust me. Why would I need to go through those measures. Obviously we didnt combine finances prior to our wed. but come on. I have never been that kind of person to use or take from others and he knew that. I guess he did not. It has always been my saying to have peace, love, and sanity before taking anyone for what they have.
To me it is obvious that trust is an empty space in his soul, as well as security. Finances and not keeping his word are only symptoms of the bigger issue: his control of some things gives him a false sense of security. That in turn is preventing him from taking his proper role as head of the house. He does not know how to do that, it has never been exampled to him, and he is untaught. It is not a nasty thing to state that he is ignorant in that ares.
Fortunately, education is the cure for ignorance. From your usage of the term, " asset vs. debt ratio" I intuit that you have had higher education, and perhaps a degree in the business/financial field. Because you have equal salaries, he also may be college educated. Therefore both of you are smart people who love each other deeply. It is unfortunate, but hubby is not using you as an asset in that area. How do you change that? You cannot. That is because you are a wife, and not a counselor.
Because I do not lay out a problem without offering hope and help, I believe that this group can do MUCH in the area of finances for both of you, and also open up areas where hubby is hurting, and let Holy Spirit speak truth to his inner man, and have Jesus Christ, our Healer take away those wounds of yesteryear. CROWN.ORG is a ministry started by the late Larry Burkette.
They specialize in working with couples in financial distress, but they go further than that. Through their small groups, their trained counselors can help deal with those underlying issues. Supposing that hubby does need further Biblical counseling; having gained hubby's trust in the financial area, hubby will be more receptive of a perceived need and direction of another person than he would if he heard it from you. He might perceive that as a rejection from you.
I urge you to look at that website when off work, then call to speak to someone who could guide you both in the best way.
What to do in the meantime? proverbs tells us that a soft answer turns away wrath, and it is my belief that your neighbors know about your disagreements because swear words are never stated in rational, quiet discussion.
No couple is immune, so I made the LOL smiley.
On one level, his yelling and swearing is a way to test you to see if you will feed into the things that caused him to be suspicious, and lacking intrust. As a result, you need to conscientiously avoid the bait, no matter how tempting it is to justifiably retaliate and defend yourself.
Take the opposite track and affirm him in a still, quiet and godly sense of who you are in Christ. You do not have to take any sort of yelling or abuse and your tone of voice as well as your words will determine if you throw quenching water on his fiery rage, or throw gasoline.
THAT IS THE PROPER THRUST OF "WIVES, SUBMIT UNTO YOUR HUSBANDS"
It is not a "dynamic dormatism" but rather a
standing strong in the strength and armor of Jesus Christ Can you see the difference?
By retaliating and objecting with noise You are standing in your own strength, and you will fail. By standing in the strength and armor of Jesus Christ, you cannot loose.
So hubby gets loud, you HAVE to pray silently, asking Jesus to have Holy Spirit give you the words you need to say, and deliver them in a quiet, dignified way. It will not be easy, because you and hubby have doone this "dance" before, and immediately, he will know that something different happened.
he will want to return to the old ways (the big word for it is homeostasis) and he may intensify his efforts to return to the "normal-but comfortable and toxic" ways things were once were.
Rest assured that his outbursts will gradually extinguish as long as you stand firm in the strength of Jesus Christ, and not on your own.
Finally, there will be a time when you can talk to him about the wonderful things you found at CROWN,ORG and then he will be ready to hear from from you because you "passed his trust testing" with flying colors!
if you wish to contact me further about this or anything else, please contact any of the administrators telling them that I gave you permission to ask.for my email address. They know how to contact me.
LL7 this is a very long post, but I do pray that it speaks to you in your inner soul and quiets it. Scripture tells us to bear one another's burden. I hope I have, and I also pray that this post gives you a non-condemning path for you and hubby to travel.
But should not accept my advice in its entirety, I also pray that Holy Spirit will give you the wisdom you need to adapt it to your circumstance.
Here is why I say that:
James 1:5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
6 But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed
May our God truly bless the marriage, and both of you uniquely.
