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[__ Prayer __] gratitude, satan's lies

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truth: God is Good (!!!), and He's seen fit to be Good to me. Lies...surround me. It happens when one is stigmatized ("Schizophrenia"), low status, and "doesn't know HIS PLACE in society!" (forgive the obnoxious caps).

I was...a wretched human being, dead in my sins, when Jesus saved (is saving, will save) me 6 years ago. Truth: so is every person, until and unless Jesus enters their heart. "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God..."

I have -so- much to be thankful for, I really do. And...God's mercy and love have seen me thru some incredibly dark places, already. Now...its more like...it just gets rough, when people try to pick on me, tell me what to do, etc., because I'm really -not- a member of this (or any) community. "...in the world, but not of it..."

Truth: I'm better off focusing on Jesus, my parents, my own needs and goals. Setting Jesus 1st (a process, in and of itself...more His work than mine, undoubtedly...) is giving "good results," I guess is the best phrase I can come up with. I don't like being picked on, but it happens. It happened when I was a wretched "flamer," it happens now as a surprisingly normal "Schizophrenic." If anything...

now, I sometimes get picked on because I said, a long time ago, that Jesus had healed me. Truth? I shouldn't really have been alive then, either. Now...I"m healthy, I"m smart, I'm remarkably, miraculously...normal, almost to the point of being boring (good!), and...

"God's work in this world is -always- met with opposition." Push:tongueushback. Enter the pushback phase, LOL.

I know a lot of you pray for my parents and me, anyway (and thank you...I sense God moving in their hearts and lives, too), so...this is part genuine prayer request, because it gets a bit rough sometimes...

and part yet another vent and/or reflect post, LOL. God is incredibly kind and merciful. I just...get tired of being picked on, tired of stigma, and there is no real escape, this side of heaven. Am I 'really Schizophrenic' ? I don't know, honestly. Is there even such a thing as "Schizophrenia," as a valid entity, one that responds to treatments and such? Again; I don't really know, honestly. I do know...

I was sick, at all levels, and the combo of my own sins and the world, especially the part of the world known as "mental health treatment," were a big part of what brought on the utter destruction of me, who I was, before i was even 21 years old. Now...

that me...patched up as I was at the time I got saved...is no longer with us, Praise God. As who I really am, now, and who I am becoming, in Christ...

I'm remarkably healthy, smart, normal, and "of sound mind." And yet..."Schizophrenia." That's my label, that's my role, that's...what the world says about me. could be bad, this isn't bad...as "trouble makers" go (another label), I Have an easy go of things. As "uppity mental patients" and/or "people who don't know their place" go, I have an -especially- easy go of things. That's thanks 1st off to Christ, 2ndly (and this a big thanks, btw) to my loving, kind, long suffering parents. They may never get their son back in the sense of getting back who I was before my own sins, satan, self, death, and the world did that dude in, but...

they do have -a son- who loves them and loves Christ and is no longer a wretch ("...washed and made clean...").

OK. so, yeah. Yeah. As always...thanks for the prayers, replies, support, etc. :)
 
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feeling better. :)

its...well...crazy. my parents are -so- good to me. I know, now, that I hurt them deeply and most parents would -not- be going the extra mile for me now, no matter their $$$ situation. just...no, kiddo; better luck next time.

so, God is Good, and He's worked and is working things out...for -me-, of all people. I mean...OK, why not me? why not...anyone, really? but at the same time, when I take a step back and really stop to think about it, these past 6 years in particular, its kind of...awe-inspiring. I know no one around here really cares, that's the nature of the world, especially when you're a small town pariah, but...

I do matter, after all. To Jesus, to my parents, to Verna, even.

The mental health stuff is ongoing. I pray for God's perfect will with that, too...all aspects of my life, most definitely. see, I don't know if there is such a thing as 'mental illness,' and so many people are on various psych drugs now, and the suicide rate has been going up, not down, over the past couple decades. I think maybe I was a lonely teenager who was easily led astray, then destroyed by psychiatrists, the drug culture, the gay community, and of course...my own sins (naive and in need of a miracle? absolutely. sinless? no, unfortunately).

I just...don't know. At 4ish AM, I happened to be up, and people were talking loudly enough for me to hear in my bedroom...about me. I know, the 1st impulse with my label/"diagnosis" is to start talking "symptoms," but it wasn't that...

it was real, and really happening. No, really (LOL). Oh well. I guess they--the psych docs, the community as a whole-- don't have real control over me, now, by God's grace, but...they can talk, all they want to. "Its a free country, right?" Right.

OK. so, thanks, y'all. :)
 

Tessa

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Sometimes you can be surprised to find out just who does care
Well you can add us lot to your list. We love you brother.
 

sunflower

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Remember you aren't what some people mistaking think you are or treat you as. You are who God thinks you are and He sees that God is glorified in you. He sees you not as "schizophrenic" but as whole. And, you are, just that...whole now. God bless you for knowing that and sharing that. There is something to say in that for all of us. Like I am not just a elderly old lady with a heart condition. I am the daughter of a king..and I am loved by Jesus. He sees our hearts as we continue to love Him and serve Him and others in ways He provides.
 
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thanks, tessa. +sunflower.

its dawned on me that God's work in my life is...miraculous, on so many levels. not that I'm more loved by Him than any other Christian, just...wow. The nature of my situation was such that mega-miracles were -necessary-, until recently. The world...could not possibly have cared less. One of my nicknames around here was (is?) "society's reject." ugh.


I have been made whole, by Christ Jesus. I think the whole "Schizophrenia" thing gets to me because I've had such terrible experiences with psychiatry (lobotomy, anyone? LOL) and now I get "proper treatment" based on the "recovery model..."

and I cannot help but wonder: is this because my parents have more resources now? Is it because I'm no longer ugly? The no longer ugly thing may sound vain, but...wow. It wasn't until Jesus made me -not- ugly that I realized how being ugly, from a young age, affects all aspects of one's life, in really negative ways. I"m pretty sure "ugly flamers" get treated worse than ugly women. True story.

So...now, my life is calm, my life is peaceful, my life is...worth living, modest and quiet though it may be. That's all thanks to Christ. I love my parents, and I respect my parents, but they wouldn't be going the extra mile if The Lord hadn't dealt with my heart 6 years ago and then proceeded to change me, at all levels. Nothing against them--they're wonderful people-- but they'd already had more than enough out of me, that's all.

So..."today is the day The Lord hath made; rejoice and be glad in it." I"m getting there, by His grace. :)

Thanks again. :)
 

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