The Case for Early Marriage

[Caroline H]

I posted something very similar to this in Parenting and Marriage, but I wanted to post this article here because this message is not directed towards those who are already married. I have posted the first and last parts of the article, so if you want to read the whole thing go here

Introduction

The Case for Early Marriage

Amid our purity pledges and attempts to make chastity hip, we forgot to teach young Christians how to tie the knot.
Mark Regnerus


Virginity pledges. Chastity balls. Courtship. Side hugs. Guarding your heart. Evangelical discourse on sex is more conservative than I've ever seen it. Parents and pastors and youth group leaders told us not to do it before we got married. Why? Because the Bible says so. Yet that simple message didn't go very far in shaping our sexual decision-making.

So they kicked it up a notch and staked a battle over virginity, with pledges of abstinence and accountability structures to maintain the power of the imperative to not do what many of us felt like doing. Some of us failed, but we could become "born again virgins." Virginity mattered. But sex can be had in other ways, and many of us got creative.

Then they told us that oral sex was still sex. It could spread disease, and it would make you feel bad. "Sex will be so much better if you wait until your wedding night," they urged. If we could hold out, they said, it would be worth it. The sheer glory of consummation would knock our socks off.

Such is the prevailing discourse of abstinence culture in contemporary American evangelicalism. It might sound like I devalue abstinence. I don't. The problem is that not all abstainers end up happy or go on to the great sex lives they were promised. Nor do all indulgers become miserable or marital train wrecks. More simply, however, I have found that few evangelicals accomplish what their pastors and parents wanted them to.

Indeed, over 90 percent of American adults experience sexual intercourse before marrying. The percentage of evangelicals who do so is not much lower. In a nationally representative study of young adults, just under 80 percent of unmarried, church- going, conservative Protestants who are currently dating someone are having sex of some sort. I'm certainly not suggesting that they cannot abstain. I'm suggesting that in the domain of sex, most of them don't and won't.

What to do? Intensify the abstinence message even more? No. It won't work. The message must change, because our preoccupation with sex has unwittingly turned our attention away from the damage that Americans—including evangelicals—are doing to the institution of marriage by discouraging it and delaying it.

Conclusion

Enduring Gospel Witness

Abstinence is not to blame for our marital crisis. But promoting it has come at a cost in a permissive world in which we are increasingly postponing marriage. While I am no fan of the demographic realities I outlined earlier, one thing I will remember is that while sex matters, marriage matters more. The importance of Christian marriage as a symbol of God's covenantal faithfulness to his people—and a witness to the future union of Christ and his bride—will only grow in significance as the wider Western culture diminishes both the meaning and actual practice of marriage. Marriage itself will become a witness to the gospel.

Romantic relationship formation is what I study. I've spoken with hundreds of young adults about not only what they think or hope for, but also what they actually do. Time and again, I've listened to Christian undergraduates recount to me how their relationships turned sexual. One thing I never ask them is why. I know why. Because sex feels great, it feels connectional, it feels deeply human. I never blame them for wanting that. Sex is intended to deepen personal relationships, and desire for it is intended to promote marriage. Such are the impulses of many young Christians in love. In an environment where parents and peers are encouraging them to delay thoughts of marriage, I'm not surprised that their sexuality remains difficult to suppress and the source of considerable angst. We would do well to recognize some of these relationships for what they are: marriages in the making. If a young couple displays maturity, faith, fidelity, a commitment to understanding marriage as a covenant, and a sense of realism about marriage, then it's our duty—indeed, our pleasure—to help them expedite the part of marriage that involves public recognition and celebration of what God is already knitting together. We ought to "rejoice and delight" in them, and praise their love (Song of Sol. 1:4).

 

[jasoncran]

interesting, i wish i was told of the hard times that i would have in the area of sex before marriage in greater detail and how it affects our ability to form meaningful relationships.

 

[Caroline H]

So do I Jason. I also think that it is a problem in our society that we put so much emphasis and pressure on young people to put college and career over marriage. College is a good thing, but it may not be fore everybody; and careers are good and necessary for most, but so is marriage. Our marriage ages have been climbing and climbing in the last century, and I just think that so many people are being set up for failure by the pressures put on them at young ages.

 

[jasoncran]

it should be a case by case, some are ready in thier teens other must wait till later.as you know we can take all the pre-marital stuff we want and should but nothing will teach you about love of another person like the spouse can.

it amazes me ere marriage how clueless i was. i grows better each day my wife loves the new romantic me . the lord changed me .

 

[Caroline H]

Case by case, definitely. And most teens are not ready, and the article addresses that What I'm talking about, though, is that parents and others shouldn't discourage it so much right off the bat. Most kids grow up knowing that their parents expectations are graduate highschool, go through college, establish yourself in a career, enjoy it for a little while, and THEN think about marriage.

 

[jasoncran]

Case by case, definitely. And most teens are not ready, and the article addresses that What I'm talking about, though, is that parents and others shouldn't discourage it so much right off the bat. Most kids grow up knowing that their parents expectations are graduate highschool, go through college, establish yourself in a career, enjoy it for a little while, and THEN think about marriage.

you know the high school i went too gave me a hard time about enlisting in the army. :verysad they advised me that i should go to college, ironic since i beat the entire class of 91 by getting the highest grant for school, the gi bill(25k).

and i should have said few teens instead of some.

 

[handy]

My one sister was 17 when she married her 17 year old boyfriend two weeks after they graduated high school. My other sister was 18 when she married her 24 year old boyfriend about a month after my first sister married. My brother was married when he was 19 to his girlfriend who was 17. My mom and dad were both 18 when they married. My sisters married 35 years ago. My brother married 31 years ago. My parents were married for 53 years, before Dad died. There are no divorces in any of these marriages, nor are there any divorces in the marriage of my nieces and nephews, the kids of these young marriages. Most of my nieces and nephews were married prior to age 25.

I was 38 when I married and my husband was 33. We are going to be old, really old by the time grandkids come along. If I could rewrite things, I'd love to have been married at a much younger age.

I know that if the young man at the grocery store comes back into my daughter's life when she turns 18 (and he'll be 25), I'll be more than happy to see them marry right away.

It just depends on how you are brought up to face marriage. If marriage is presented as the "happily ever after" fairy tale, it's not going to last. If one is brought up that marriage is the sacrifice of self to the union, and that is until death, and that is it God who brings two people together in marriage, then it is far more likely to last, no matter what the age of the two folks are.

 

[Caroline H]

It just depends on how you are brought up to face marriage. If marriage is presented as the "happily ever after" fairy tale, it's not going to last. If one is brought up that marriage is the sacrifice of self to the union, and that is until death, and that is it God who brings two people together in marriage, then it is far more likely to last, no matter what the age of the two folks are.

Exactly right So, do you all think that Christian circles do their job at promoting marriage in that light? It is my personal experience, and disappointment, that marriage is made the brunt of so many jokes in churches. I can't tell you how many times I have heard some stupid joke about marriage being the end of freedom for men, or how husbands are so stupid they can't think without their wives doing it for them, etc. If Christian adults have such an attitude about marriage as this, and are more ready to tell those jokes in the ear of a young engaged couple rather than encourage them in the Lord to have a godly union, then how can we expect our Christian marriages to have anymore a success rate than the rest of the world?

 

[jasoncran]

It just depends on how you are brought up to face marriage. If marriage is presented as the "happily ever after" fairy tale, it's not going to last. If one is brought up that marriage is the sacrifice of self to the union, and that is until death, and that is it God who brings two people together in marriage, then it is far more likely to last, no matter what the age of the two folks are.

Exactly right So, do you all think that Christian circles do their job at promoting marriage in that light? It is my personal experience, and disappointment, that marriage is made the brunt of so many jokes in churches. I can't tell you how many times I have heard some stupid joke about marriage being the end of freedom for men, or how husbands are so stupid they can't think without their wives doing it for them, etc. If Christian adults have such an attitude about marriage as this, and are more ready to tell those jokes in the ear of a young engaged couple rather than encourage them in the Lord to have a godly union, then how can we expect our Christian marriages to have anymore a success rate than the rest of the world?

i hear that, alot and have done that myself. :verysad

 

[Caroline H]

Well, I used to laugh at them a lot until God convicted me of it. It's so common that I think we just don't notice it unless it is pointed out to us. We just have to stop sometimes and think about what we are saying or laughing at.

 

[Pard]

I would not mind marrying early... though the first task is to ask someone out, still working on that one.

 

[Caroline H]

Yeah, that's a very crucial step

 

[Pard]

Yeah, that's a very crucial step

So they say...

 

[jasoncran]

Well, I used to laugh at them a lot until God convicted me of it. It's so common that I think we just don't notice it unless it is pointed out to us. We just have to stop sometimes and think about what we are saying or laughing at.

since my delevrance from porn,and all filth, i have found that i am guilty of other offenses on that area as well. ie untasteful jokes at times, etc. :verysad

 

[Caroline H]

Yeah, I have my problems too :verysad

 

[jasoncran]

praise the lord for his mercy and grace.

 

[Caroline H]

praise the lord for his mercy and grace.