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Husband submitting to wife-is it OK?

J

JesusLives890

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Hi guys. I'm a 29 year old single guy dating a 46 year old wonderful Christian lady. We've been dating for about 6 months and it's going great. We get along great-her personality is more dominant and mine is more submissive. We have talked about marriage in the future. We both are ok with her being the head of household. No I'm not weak and she's not controlling-that's just the way we both prefer it. She's more assertive than me, her income is 4 times mine(she's way up into the 6 figures), and has more experience in life than me. I know it's unbiblical, but so is getting divorced and remarried but many Christians do it. And this is not a new thing to me-I've been attracted to women in their 40s since I was about 16. But it is the first time I've actually dated a woman more than 5 years older than me.
 
My sweet Lori and I have been happily married since 1996. She is eleven years my senior. All is well.

In general I shall recognize that Christ the Lord, encouraged women to not be in silence or in all subjection, even in teaching sessions where men were present.
 
JesusLives890 said:
Hi guys. I'm a 29 year old single guy dating a 46 year old wonderful Christian lady. We've been dating for about 6 months and it's going great. We get along great-her personality is more dominant and mine is more submissive. We have talked about marriage in the future. We both are ok with her being the head of household. No I'm not weak and she's not controlling-that's just the way we both prefer it. She's more assertive than me, her income is 4 times mine(she's way up into the 6 figures), and has more experience in life than me. I know it's unbiblical, but so is getting divorced and remarried but many Christians do it. And this is not a new thing to me-I've been attracted to women in their 40s since I was about 16. But it is the first time I've actually dated a woman more than 5 years older than me.
Click to expand...

Greetings again, and blessings in Christ.

Well, all I can advise you here is that you should seek to at least balance things out some. I don't think a heavy imbalance is particularly healthy for any relationship because there's too much opportunity for abuse, even when not intended. If one partner is not able to challenge things when they are being grossly taken advantage of, it will inevitably lead to some form of resentment.

My personal opinion would be that the ultimate answer for a dominant woman is an even more dominant man. But that doesn't mean it couldn't work. You would just need to keep things from becoming so far out of kilter that the whole relationship stood at risk of becoming abusive if too much control caused her to become neglectful at best, utterly dismissive at worst.

Keep in mind, I am speaking from a purely non-religious point of view here. As a Christian, I abide strongly by the traditional gender roles and stereotypes.

Blessings, and wish you the best of luck.
- H
 
Well, as a man you should be dominant. In this role I suggest you first command is that she obey your command to dominant your relationship. Tell her you have the ultimate power of veto, but will never use it. This will show you are "in charge". (end of satire)


"Two cannot walk together unless they are agreed". If the two of you are content with the command structure, I see no problem.
 
JesusLives890 said:
Hi guys. I'm a 29 year old single guy dating a 46 year old wonderful Christian lady. We've been dating for about 6 months and it's going great. We get along great-her personality is more dominant and mine is more submissive. We have talked about marriage in the future. We both are ok with her being the head of household. No I'm not weak and she's not controlling-that's just the way we both prefer it. She's more assertive than me, her income is 4 times mine(she's way up into the 6 figures), and has more experience in life than me. I know it's unbiblical, but so is getting divorced and remarried but many Christians do it. And this is not a new thing to me-I've been attracted to women in their 40s since I was about 16. But it is the first time I've actually dated a woman more than 5 years older than me.
Click to expand...
I'm not sure I understand what you mean by submitting to your wife. Being submissive does not mean the other person lords it over you. It can just mean that you listen to her and accept her counsel. After all, why was she created in the first place?

The Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”
Genesis 2:18 NKJV

How are we to treat our wives?

Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.
1 Peter 3:7 NKJV

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her...So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.
Ephesians 5:25, 28-29 NKJV

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NKJV
 
JesusLives890 said:
No I'm not weak and she's not controlling-that's just the way we both prefer it. She's more assertive than me, her income is 4 times mine(she's way up into the 6 figures), and has more experience in life than me.
Click to expand...

Let me add one more thing to my response. Don't neglect to be assertive yourself sometimes. There may be times when she is wrong, and you need to be in a position to let her know. The more assertive a woman is, the more you will need to... let's say "man up" to be able to tell her on occasion. Everyone needs to be corrected sometimes (though with an assertive and dominant woman, you had better pick your battles wisely).

But there may be a need on an occasion to, as one of my favorite scenes from the Goldbergs put it, "Grow some plums." (when the dominant mother moved in as a substitute teacher for a week, and was ruining everyone's life).

 
Thanks for the replies. To be more specific, an example is when we went to dinner last week. I wanted to go to The Olive Garden, and she wanted to go to Pappadeaux Seafood Kitchen. I said no problem let's go to Pappadeaux. She would have been willing to discuss it, but it wasn't necessary. If we get married in the future, she wants to move from Houston to Katy, a Houston suburb. I was ok with that. I'm an easy going guy that's happy either way. But she is more picky about things. And if she wants to make decisions about finances and other things, hey it's all good. That's less work for me :thm And she has much more experience in life than I do-she' raised 2 kids a 25 year old daughter and 22 year old son. She's been investing in things that build wealth for 20 years. She is a good mother and is very strict with the kids. If one of the kids was having problems because they made bad decisions and was bugging us for money or causing problems, she'd never let them cause problems for us. She said she won't tolerate someone else's bad decisions mess up her life. When her son was 19 and still lived at home, she told him that he's been getting lazy lately and better start helping her with chores such as yardwork, dishes, and things like that. He told her that he doesn't have time for that "mess" anymore because he works, and needs time to hang out with his girlfriend. She spanked him and told him that as long as he lives under her roof he's going to follow rules.
And another thing- a woman being dominant in the bedroom turns me on. I haven't told her about that part yet-haven't felt comfortable about discussing it with her. But I will soon.

So I guess you could say her wanting to be more of a leader is a choice that we both agree on rather than she wanting it whether I do or not.
 
JesusLives890 said:
Thanks for the replies. To be more specific, an example is when we went to dinner last week. I wanted to go to The Olive Garden, and she wanted to go to Pappadeaux Seafood Kitchen. I said no problem let's go to Pappadeaux. She would have been willing to discuss it, but it wasn't necessary. If we get married in the future, she wants to move from Houston to Katy, a Houston suburb. I was ok with that. I'm an easy going guy that's happy either way. But she is more picky about things. And if she wants to make decisions about finances and other things, hey it's all good. That's less work for me :thm And she has much more experience in life than I do-she' raised 2 kids a 25 year old daughter and 22 year old son. She's been investing in things that build wealth for 20 years. She is a good mother and is very strict with the kids. If one of the kids was having problems because they made bad decisions and was bugging us for money or causing problems, she'd never let them cause problems for us. She said she won't tolerate someone else's bad decisions mess up her life. When her son was 19 and still lived at home, she told him that he's been getting lazy lately and better start helping her with chores such as yardwork, dishes, and things like that. He told her that he doesn't have time for that "mess" anymore because he works, and needs time to hang out with his girlfriend. She spanked him and told him that as long as he lives under her roof he's going to follow rules.
And another thing- a woman being dominant in the bedroom turns me on. I haven't told her about that part yet-haven't felt comfortable about discussing it with her. But I will soon.

So I guess you could say her wanting to be more of a leader is a choice that we both agree on rather than she wanting it whether I do or not.
Click to expand...

The part about letting her make her own decisions with where the money goes is absolutely the right move. She's earned it. My wife and I both make an income and we keep the finances separate. We each have responsibilities and then what's hers is hers and mine is mine. I think she sometimes would prefer I consult her on some decisions since I run the home, but all and all it's a very peaceful arrangement. She makes her own living, so she ought to be able to do with her own money whatever she pleases.
 
JesusLives890 said:
Thanks for the replies. To be more specific, an example is when we went to dinner last week. I wanted to go to The Olive Garden, and she wanted to go to Pappadeaux Seafood Kitchen. I said no problem let's go to Pappadeaux. She would have been willing to discuss it, but it wasn't necessary. If we get married in the future, she wants to move from Houston to Katy, a Houston suburb. I was ok with that. I'm an easy going guy that's happy either way. But she is more picky about things. And if she wants to make decisions about finances and other things, hey it's all good. That's less work for me :thm And she has much more experience in life than I do-she' raised 2 kids a 25 year old daughter and 22 year old son. She's been investing in things that build wealth for 20 years. She is a good mother and is very strict with the kids. If one of the kids was having problems because they made bad decisions and was bugging us for money or causing problems, she'd never let them cause problems for us. She said she won't tolerate someone else's bad decisions mess up her life. When her son was 19 and still lived at home, she told him that he's been getting lazy lately and better start helping her with chores such as yardwork, dishes, and things like that. He told her that he doesn't have time for that "mess" anymore because he works, and needs time to hang out with his girlfriend. She spanked him and told him that as long as he lives under her roof he's going to follow rules.
And another thing- a woman being dominant in the bedroom turns me on. I haven't told her about that part yet-haven't felt comfortable about discussing it with her. But I will soon.

So I guess you could say her wanting to be more of a leader is a choice that we both agree on rather than she wanting it whether I do or not.
Click to expand...

I will say this. Not all men are built the same, and not all women. And while I would have a hard time letting go of the Biblical model as the rule of thumb to go by, placing absolutely everyone into the same cookie cutter mold on every single issue may not be the wisest thing to do.

That said, I would take everything good in the relationship that is working for you and keep it, while still trying to incorporate a little more male leadership into things as you go. If she loves you and it is being generated by your love for her and for your marriage, she would likely welcome it. As for the bedroom (and we don't want to discuss too much on that subject publicly, but), switching roles also makes life a little more interesting sometimes, and she might like it if over time you assume the leadership there every once in awhile as well.

It sounds like a good situation, and it's certainly an interesting thing to think about from a dynamics perspective. I think people who truly love one another and are called of God to one another eventually find a way to work it all out.
 
I don't know how marriage is in general, and I don't think anyone does except God. But:
  • I do know that we get along well with a lot of more traditionalist couples at our church, including how we report our home life is and how we make decisions.
  • Traditionalist or not, I have yet to meet a happily married man who does not know that the most important part of his vocabulary as concerns his marriage, is "Yes, dear." A number of my father's and mother's generation made sure I heard this, even though I didn't understand it much, in the months before I was married. Sometimes it was women who said this, checking in by smiley eye with their men. Every one of them was right.
  • I don't worry about decisionmaking much, in significant because she is very good at a whole lot of it. When I have an interest in a decision, I have noticed that she and I try very hard to find a path that we can both walk, even if it's a third path from the ones we originally had.
  • There are categories for which she relies upon me as primary input. "Cable-cutting" was a relevant one. I studied both of our sets of frustration, hers being the more important to me because I have lots of things I can add in our living room; added Roku as a trial for one month, adding channels to fit; then after the month, asked her. It was a slam-dunk because I didn't (and don't ever) seek dominance or submission, I relied on love and conversation.
  • I regard dominance as temptation of the flesh, and submission as consequence of the Fall. We both work against both of those things, in the name of the Lord, in the improvement of our marriage, every day. Happily married since 1996.
 
And another thing-nowadays many of these younger women have all these requirements-he must be taller, he must have a 6 figure income or make more than her, he must be this, he must be that........Well, I don't measure up-I make about $50,000 a year and I'm 5 feet 8. But she's not like that, she said she was attracted to me because of my personality(she thinks I'm funny)and I'm a very handsome young man. I guess if you're a 5 foot 11 woman that makes $280,000 a year, requiring a man that's richer and taller will severly limit your options. People have asked me if I have a problem with her being taller. I say no way the longer the legs the better :) And they ask me if I have a problem with her being 17 years older. Not a problem with me. Her kids are almost as old as me, but it doesn't matter to me. Her 22 year old son doesn't like the fact that his future stepdad is close to his age. But her 25 year old daugher loves me. I've done "Dad duty" for her a few times-fixed her car, unstopped the drain on her kitchen sink. And she thinks of me as her dad not stepdad or Mom's boyfriend.
 
Hidden In Him said:
The part about letting her make her own decisions with where the money goes is absolutely the right move. She's earned it. My wife and I both make an income and we keep the finances separate. We each have responsibilities and then what's hers is hers and mine is mine. I think she sometimes would prefer I consult her on some decisions since I run the home, but all and all it's a very peaceful arrangement. She makes her own living, so she ought to be able to do with her own money whatever she pleases.
Click to expand...
At the same time, I think there needs to be some mutual respect here. My wife and I manage our finances separately as well but I believe that when it comes to major financial decisions, each should afford the respect and consideration of the other. When that does not happen, it creates hard feelings. I'll give some examples.

Back in 1999, without consulting me or even giving me a clue she was going to do this, she decided to partner with two other individuals to open a business. Now, at the time, we were not very solid financially so this would eventually put a significant strain on our situation. I can tell you that I felt as though my feelings didn't matter and that she showed me disrespect for doing this without discussing it first.

Another example is inherent in how we differ when it comes to money management. I'm more conservative but she has no issue or reservation about borrowing money and what is the easiest way to borrow money? Credit cards. More than once, she has run up credit card debt to the tune of 10's of thousands, putting our finances in jeopardy. Again, I think it is rude and disrespectful of her to do this without my knowledge or without discussion.

These situations can create hard feelings. For one thing, if something happened to her, I'd be stuck with debt that I didn't even know we had.
 
JesusLives890 said:
And another thing-nowadays many of these younger women have all these requirements-he must be taller, he must have a 6 figure income or make more than her, he must be this, he must be that........Well, I don't measure up-I make about $50,000 a year and I'm 5 feet 8.
Click to expand...

The maturity of potential partners can sometimes play into it as well. Some younger women feel the same way. Most of the men their age are just playing around, and are not mentally, psychologically, emotionally or financially ready to get it together.
 
WIP said:
Back in 1999, without consulting me or even giving me a clue she was going to do this, she decided to partner with two other individuals to open a business. Now, at the time, we were not very solid financially so this would eventually put a significant strain on our situation. I can tell you that I felt as though my feelings didn't matter and that she showed me disrespect for doing this without discussing it first.

Another example is inherent in how we differ when it comes to money management. I'm more conservative but she has no issue or reservation about borrowing money and what is the easiest way to borrow money? Credit cards. More than once, she has run up credit card debt to the tune of 10's of thousands, putting our finances in jeopardy. Again, I think it is rude and disrespectful of her to do this without my knowledge or without discussion.

These situations can create hard feelings. For one thing, if something happened to her, I'd be stuck with debt that I didn't even know we had.
Click to expand...

I agree. This might have been us as well, but she ran up her debt before she ever met me, so by the time we were together she had already established a new pattern of being very disciplined in an effort to manage her money well and pay off her debt. It was actually me who did a few dumb things without consulting her that she might have prevented if we had talked it out first.
 
WIP said:
Another example is inherent in how we differ when it comes to money management. I'm more conservative but she has no issue or reservation about borrowing money and what is the easiest way to borrow money? Credit cards. More than once, she has run up credit card debt to the tune of 10's of thousands, putting our finances in jeopardy. Again, I think it is rude and disrespectful of her to do this without my knowledge or without discussion.
Click to expand...
Yes we differ on finances-she's debt free and I'm over $10,000 in debt because I bought things I didn't need and put them on credit cards. And if my car wasn't paid for who knows how much more I'd be in debt. I know the difference in our incomes explain some of it, but our spending habits have alot to do with it too.
 
Hidden In Him said:
As for the bedroom (and we don't want to discuss too much on that subject publicly, but), switching roles also makes life a little more interesting sometimes, and she might like it if over time you assume the leadership there every once in awhile as well.
Click to expand...
Sorry, maybe I shouldn't have went there in this discussion. But I thought it might clear up part of the reason a more dominant woman is what I desire-it's more than the personality traits. I was worried that I would be scolded or possibly banned.
 
JesusLives890 said:
Sorry, maybe I shouldn't have went there in this discussion. But I thought it might clear up part of the reason a more dominant woman is what I desire-it's more than the personality traits. I was worried that I would be scolded or possibly banned.
Click to expand...

We're not that Puritan, LoL. Just that if the subject matter goes too much in that direction it becomes a thread for the Men's Locker Room, and I think we would prefer if it stayed public. It's an interesting discussion.
 
JesusLives890 said:
I guess if you're a 5 foot 11 woman that makes $280,000 a year, requiring a man that's richer and taller will severly limit your options.
Click to expand...

I agree with this btw. Not all men can tolerate a woman with that much financial power and independence.

Maybe you can be like the Texas version of Travis Kelse & Taylor Swift. Everybody knows who the biggest bread-winner is, but everybody just kinda looks the other way.

c23cefd1-25ee-4933-bbff-9b9bdc404e9a.jpeg
 
Hidden In Him said:
We're not that Puritan, LoL. Just that if the subject matter goes too much in that direction it becomes a thread for the Men's Locker Room, and I think we would prefer if it stayed public. It's an interesting discussion.
Click to expand...
LOL. Where is the men's locker room forum? I couldn't find it.
 
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