God's_gift
Member
I would like to share this Splendid reading from www.boundless.org ( a website on focus on the family)
“What's a Guy to Do?†by Elizabeth Adams
I met him at church. As I stood on the fringes, he came over to greet me — the guest. His eye contact and his questions were warm and personal, and he mentioned a Bible study where, presumably, we would meet again.
The next two times I saw him, his behavior was the same. I knew it's wise to assume a man has no intentions to pursue – unless he says so. But I couldn't ignore his nonverbal cues. And for a time, I succumbed to the fruitless merry-go-round of infatuation.
Meanwhile, I began brainstorming ideas for a new article. In response to my request for suggestions, a male friend wrote to ask me, "Women are encouraged to dress in a proper way so they don't 'help' men to lust. But how can a man behave so he does not induce women around him to lust?"
Whether we call it lust or infatuation, we're all dealing with the same heart issue: a good desire with the wrong object, at the wrong time or to the wrong degree. But while both men and women are tempted to covet what isn't ours, we generally arrive at that temptation in different ways. Men tell me that their desires are often triggered visually. Meanwhile, women are often tuned in to a range of subtle relational cues – many of them triggers that men aren't even aware they are activating.
But even unintended actions can speak louder than words.
According to the women I interviewed, the most common way a guy trips a girl up is by leading her on: prematurely pushing the buttons for her deepest relational desires. Ultimately, a woman is responsible for her own integrity – but there are things men can do to help.
Make Your Intentions Clear
In "What's a Girl to Do?" I suggested some ways women can communicate respect to men. Now I hope to give men some tools for signaling their intentions to women.
1) Be aware. You can be yourself. Just don't be clueless! Simply knowing what could communicate pursuit can keep you from laying it on too thick.
Other cues include: seeking her out with your eyes across the room, teasing, discussing your future family, and soliciting her help or advice when there are more obvious people to ask.
Beyond any particular relational cue is the number and frequency of the cues you send to a specific woman and their proportion to the cues she sees you sending others. The existence of patterns and/or the absence of context make it far more likely that she will see your behavior as pursuit.
2) Be a man of integrity. Know your own mind, and then make sure your intentions and your actions are an integrated whole. Be "the last man in the world who would intentionally give any woman the idea of his feeling for her more than he really does."
A man says:
When you're driving a car, you instinctively begin to steer in the direction you're looking. Early on in an attraction, you may not even be aware that you're steering toward a certain girl. I think this subtle, hardly-conscious dance is part of God's design. (She smiles; you take a half-step forward; she turns; you say hello.) The trick is to wake up in time to assess your intentions before she picks up too strongly on the pattern of pursuit.
3) Beware of power trips. Let's be honest. Sometimes, just by living, you'll turn the ladies' heads. (Joseph in the Bible didn't ask to be pursued by Potiphar's wife.)
When women are attracted to you, it may be tempting to bask in the attention or (however subtly) to manipulate the women involved. Please remember to Whom all power and glory belong and give them back to Him. Besides, humility and kindness are much more attractive than raw good looks. Whether or not you think you're handsome, women may covet emotional intimacy with you because you're a nice guy. So beware, also, of kindness taken to an extreme.
A man says:
Two women say:
4) Be balanced. Given the potential for being misunderstood, I understand how tempting it is for you to simply check out of the life of a woman who doesn't catch your eye. But while you may be immune to her, you can't safely assume that she is immune to you. Showing specific interest or disinterest in a woman is equally unwise.
You may feel that by choosing not to interact at all, you're protecting a woman's heart. But you may be wounding her heart by treating her as an invisible non-person, not a fellow child of God. A brother does not single out his sister for romantic attention. But neither does he ignore her.
A now-married woman still remembers the single men who were completely detached:
She also recalls those who were healthily involved:
5) Be kind. The Bible specifically says to "encourage…older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity." Chivalry may seem outdated, but widespread, unbiased kindness to all women is still the norm in the kingdom of God. With this reputation as the context for your actions, you'll be better equipped to lift a woman's spirits – without raising her expectations.
Men, please don't give up, or check out. We need your encouragement and your unique expression of God's character. While you are walking the delicate line between kindness and pursuit, we women are cheering you on from tightropes of our own. (Is this outfit attractive, or seductive? we ask ourselves. Is my behavior encouragement, or pursuit?)
By God's grace, it is possible for us, men and women, to be fully engaged and full of integrity.
“What's a Guy to Do?†by Elizabeth Adams
I met him at church. As I stood on the fringes, he came over to greet me — the guest. His eye contact and his questions were warm and personal, and he mentioned a Bible study where, presumably, we would meet again.
The next two times I saw him, his behavior was the same. I knew it's wise to assume a man has no intentions to pursue – unless he says so. But I couldn't ignore his nonverbal cues. And for a time, I succumbed to the fruitless merry-go-round of infatuation.
Meanwhile, I began brainstorming ideas for a new article. In response to my request for suggestions, a male friend wrote to ask me, "Women are encouraged to dress in a proper way so they don't 'help' men to lust. But how can a man behave so he does not induce women around him to lust?"
Whether we call it lust or infatuation, we're all dealing with the same heart issue: a good desire with the wrong object, at the wrong time or to the wrong degree. But while both men and women are tempted to covet what isn't ours, we generally arrive at that temptation in different ways. Men tell me that their desires are often triggered visually. Meanwhile, women are often tuned in to a range of subtle relational cues – many of them triggers that men aren't even aware they are activating.
But even unintended actions can speak louder than words.
According to the women I interviewed, the most common way a guy trips a girl up is by leading her on: prematurely pushing the buttons for her deepest relational desires. Ultimately, a woman is responsible for her own integrity – but there are things men can do to help.
Make Your Intentions Clear
In "What's a Girl to Do?" I suggested some ways women can communicate respect to men. Now I hope to give men some tools for signaling their intentions to women.
1) Be aware. You can be yourself. Just don't be clueless! Simply knowing what could communicate pursuit can keep you from laying it on too thick.
Other cues include: seeking her out with your eyes across the room, teasing, discussing your future family, and soliciting her help or advice when there are more obvious people to ask.
Beyond any particular relational cue is the number and frequency of the cues you send to a specific woman and their proportion to the cues she sees you sending others. The existence of patterns and/or the absence of context make it far more likely that she will see your behavior as pursuit.
2) Be a man of integrity. Know your own mind, and then make sure your intentions and your actions are an integrated whole. Be "the last man in the world who would intentionally give any woman the idea of his feeling for her more than he really does."
A man says:
When you're driving a car, you instinctively begin to steer in the direction you're looking. Early on in an attraction, you may not even be aware that you're steering toward a certain girl. I think this subtle, hardly-conscious dance is part of God's design. (She smiles; you take a half-step forward; she turns; you say hello.) The trick is to wake up in time to assess your intentions before she picks up too strongly on the pattern of pursuit.
3) Beware of power trips. Let's be honest. Sometimes, just by living, you'll turn the ladies' heads. (Joseph in the Bible didn't ask to be pursued by Potiphar's wife.)
When women are attracted to you, it may be tempting to bask in the attention or (however subtly) to manipulate the women involved. Please remember to Whom all power and glory belong and give them back to Him. Besides, humility and kindness are much more attractive than raw good looks. Whether or not you think you're handsome, women may covet emotional intimacy with you because you're a nice guy. So beware, also, of kindness taken to an extreme.
A man says:
Two women say:
4) Be balanced. Given the potential for being misunderstood, I understand how tempting it is for you to simply check out of the life of a woman who doesn't catch your eye. But while you may be immune to her, you can't safely assume that she is immune to you. Showing specific interest or disinterest in a woman is equally unwise.
You may feel that by choosing not to interact at all, you're protecting a woman's heart. But you may be wounding her heart by treating her as an invisible non-person, not a fellow child of God. A brother does not single out his sister for romantic attention. But neither does he ignore her.
A now-married woman still remembers the single men who were completely detached:
She also recalls those who were healthily involved:
5) Be kind. The Bible specifically says to "encourage…older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity." Chivalry may seem outdated, but widespread, unbiased kindness to all women is still the norm in the kingdom of God. With this reputation as the context for your actions, you'll be better equipped to lift a woman's spirits – without raising her expectations.
Men, please don't give up, or check out. We need your encouragement and your unique expression of God's character. While you are walking the delicate line between kindness and pursuit, we women are cheering you on from tightropes of our own. (Is this outfit attractive, or seductive? we ask ourselves. Is my behavior encouragement, or pursuit?)
By God's grace, it is possible for us, men and women, to be fully engaged and full of integrity.
