I sat my children down and confessed my anger. “I have become an angry dad, and our home has become an angry home. I have asked God to forgive me, and I ask you to forgive me.” My confession marked a change in our home. God poured out his grace on us that day. As a pastor, I counseled many from the book of James that “the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:20) but allowed my impatience and selfishness to rule the day in my own home. But by God’s grace, I took the advice I had given others— “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you” (James 4:10).
In the weeks preceding my confession, I noticed how quickly my mood could change. One minute I felt happy, filled with joy, only to erupt with a wave of anger when my wife or children upset me. My anger seemed to get triggered more quickly as the days progressed. My children could trigger my anger if they fought, disobeyed, or made too much noise.
At first, I blamed everyone else. If the kids would only obey, I wouldn’t have to raise my voice. But God was faithful to send his Spirit to convict me. I was the problem, not my kids. That is where the letter of James to the churches helped me again. The problem wasn’t my children; it sprang from the sinful desires of my heart.
The raising of my voice and the scolding of my children or arguments with my wife were springing from a heart of misplaced desires. I was trying to find comfort and rest in a quiet, well-ordered home rather than in my Savior, who said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you” (John 14:27).
In addition to my anger, my children began to follow with quick tempers against each other. My wife was also following my poor example. So, by God’s grace, I determined to turn from my sin, which began with a conversation with my wife, Lois.
I confessed that I had become an angry pastor/dad and asked her to forgive me. I explained that I wanted to gather the family and confess my sin to the children. Lois quickly admitted her pattern of anger and expressed a desire to follow my confession to the children with her own. We gathered the kids, sat all five on the living room couch, and both confessed our sins.
One by one, starting with the oldest, each of our children followed with their own confession. Just as they followed our poor example, they joined our repentance—I didn’t have to ask. The Holy Spirit was at work, meeting my humility with an outpouring of grace.
That day we made a family promise—that if any of us should become angry, we each could place a hand on the other’s side or shoulder as a reminder to check our heart. We also pledged not to reject anyone’s hand upon us in a conflict. A few times after that, I felt a little hand upon my side or a whisper from my wife amid a conversation or conflict.
Rather than use another’s anger as an invitation to retaliate, we recognized more and more their need for help and prayer.
Sometime later, I devised a plan for our family to visit the library. Our youngest had a doctor’s appointment later after lunch. I asked the children to move quickly and get ready. A quick trip would allow for a short nap before the doctor’s visit. My daughter Emma asked if it would be helpful to grab her shoes and put them on in the van to save time. Now there is a girl after her dad’s heart, I thought to myself and instructed her to go through the garage, for the back walkway was muddy from the spring thaw.
She complied, and soon we were ready to head out. My wife was last to arrive but announced that she had left the library card inside. Emma quickly offered to retrieve the card and jumped out of the van. She forgot my early instructions and hadn’t yet put on her shoes. I shouted, “Noooooo!” as I watched her speed through the backyard to the back door. Like a racehorse on a muddy track, clods of mud flew up from her white socks. Right on cue, my two sons began fighting in the back. My anger flared, and I shouted. “That’s it. We are not going to the library. Everyone back in the house!”
Lois met me at the back of the van and smiled, saying, “I don’t think that is how you wanted to handle that.” Instantly a wave of conviction hit me. Back in the house, I gathered my children and confessed my angry outburst. But beyond that, I admitted that I once again tried to find my peace in a well-ordered day rather than in Jesus. As James says, I wanted something and did not get it. My children graciously forgave me, and peace again ruled over our home—the peace of Christ.
So, if you find your pastor’s home is becoming an angry home, take time to consider the part you’ve played. A good question to ask when you get angry is, “What did I want that I did not get?” Confess your sin to God and then humble yourself before your wife. Draw your family together and confess your sin, then work to help one another rather than take up arms against each other.
Remember the wisdom of Solomon, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). Recognize that an eruption of anger is a plea for help. A hug and a prayer are far more effective than a short answer. Give your wife and children permission to place a hand on your side or shoulder, and never turn such a reminder away or allow your heart to greet it with contempt. Remember James 4:10 “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.”
Questions to Help Pastors Connect with Their Kids
Avoiding Sunday Morning Sabotage
How Do You Balance Motherhood with Being a Pastor’s Wife?
The post A Little Help from James for the Angry Pastor Dad appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
In the weeks preceding my confession, I noticed how quickly my mood could change. One minute I felt happy, filled with joy, only to erupt with a wave of anger when my wife or children upset me. My anger seemed to get triggered more quickly as the days progressed. My children could trigger my anger if they fought, disobeyed, or made too much noise.
What causes quarrels and fights among you?
At first, I blamed everyone else. If the kids would only obey, I wouldn’t have to raise my voice. But God was faithful to send his Spirit to convict me. I was the problem, not my kids. That is where the letter of James to the churches helped me again. The problem wasn’t my children; it sprang from the sinful desires of my heart.
The raising of my voice and the scolding of my children or arguments with my wife were springing from a heart of misplaced desires. I was trying to find comfort and rest in a quiet, well-ordered home rather than in my Savior, who said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you” (John 14:27).
Your family will follow your lead
In addition to my anger, my children began to follow with quick tempers against each other. My wife was also following my poor example. So, by God’s grace, I determined to turn from my sin, which began with a conversation with my wife, Lois.
I confessed that I had become an angry pastor/dad and asked her to forgive me. I explained that I wanted to gather the family and confess my sin to the children. Lois quickly admitted her pattern of anger and expressed a desire to follow my confession to the children with her own. We gathered the kids, sat all five on the living room couch, and both confessed our sins.
One by one, starting with the oldest, each of our children followed with their own confession. Just as they followed our poor example, they joined our repentance—I didn’t have to ask. The Holy Spirit was at work, meeting my humility with an outpouring of grace.
That day we made a family promise—that if any of us should become angry, we each could place a hand on the other’s side or shoulder as a reminder to check our heart. We also pledged not to reject anyone’s hand upon us in a conflict. A few times after that, I felt a little hand upon my side or a whisper from my wife amid a conversation or conflict.
Rather than use another’s anger as an invitation to retaliate, we recognized more and more their need for help and prayer.
It doesn’t always go smoothly…
Sometime later, I devised a plan for our family to visit the library. Our youngest had a doctor’s appointment later after lunch. I asked the children to move quickly and get ready. A quick trip would allow for a short nap before the doctor’s visit. My daughter Emma asked if it would be helpful to grab her shoes and put them on in the van to save time. Now there is a girl after her dad’s heart, I thought to myself and instructed her to go through the garage, for the back walkway was muddy from the spring thaw.
She complied, and soon we were ready to head out. My wife was last to arrive but announced that she had left the library card inside. Emma quickly offered to retrieve the card and jumped out of the van. She forgot my early instructions and hadn’t yet put on her shoes. I shouted, “Noooooo!” as I watched her speed through the backyard to the back door. Like a racehorse on a muddy track, clods of mud flew up from her white socks. Right on cue, my two sons began fighting in the back. My anger flared, and I shouted. “That’s it. We are not going to the library. Everyone back in the house!”
Lois met me at the back of the van and smiled, saying, “I don’t think that is how you wanted to handle that.” Instantly a wave of conviction hit me. Back in the house, I gathered my children and confessed my angry outburst. But beyond that, I admitted that I once again tried to find my peace in a well-ordered day rather than in Jesus. As James says, I wanted something and did not get it. My children graciously forgave me, and peace again ruled over our home—the peace of Christ.
What did I want that I did not get?
So, if you find your pastor’s home is becoming an angry home, take time to consider the part you’ve played. A good question to ask when you get angry is, “What did I want that I did not get?” Confess your sin to God and then humble yourself before your wife. Draw your family together and confess your sin, then work to help one another rather than take up arms against each other.
Remember the wisdom of Solomon, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). Recognize that an eruption of anger is a plea for help. A hug and a prayer are far more effective than a short answer. Give your wife and children permission to place a hand on your side or shoulder, and never turn such a reminder away or allow your heart to greet it with contempt. Remember James 4:10 “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.”
Related
Questions to Help Pastors Connect with Their Kids
Avoiding Sunday Morning Sabotage
How Do You Balance Motherhood with Being a Pastor’s Wife?
The post A Little Help from James for the Angry Pastor Dad appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...