a pome i just wrote

[la verdad]

i got tried of arguing with BL

the daylight crept across the leaves
and shadows grasped things lost to me
i made my way across those stems
these skeletons are lost to men

my soul was crunching as i walked
and amber shades across its veins
I wept ideas, that i tossed
across the leaves, across the slain

i cried for times, for winters sake
as winter means the leaves are raked
and falling from this broken tree
in winter frost i breathe my fate

i would have turned, away from them
but tears made patterns on the leaves
and from their sorrow came a fruit
and then the leaves were raised again

its funny how things need water
and life can flow from bitter eyes
so now it seems that i weep harder
to raise my soul in winter skies

 

[Featherbop]

I don't like it that much.

BTW, theres a forums for writing and poetry.

 

[Atonement]

I'm with featherbop, I don't like it that much, maybe you need to add a Title to the name or something.. And this does not belong here in this forum, there are other forums to post poetry..

-Atone

 

[WiLdAtHeArT]

I like it, verdad. It's a little sad, but I like the flow and you have some great word usage in there. Very visual. However, I don't understand why one would weep when seeing the leaves raised again. Perhaps I am not getting your meaning (actaully instead of 'perhaps' I should say 'probably') but it to me it seemed like your sadness, and the tears it produced, brought 'fruit' and raised the leaves to 'new life'. That is awesome imagery. But I don't think that would make me weep more - unless it is tears of joy because of God's incredible creation!

Also it seemed like the mood changed abruptly at the last stanza - starting with 'it's funny' - but I think I'm getting too picky.

 

[la verdad]

thanks wildatheart..it was more of like a "freestyle"..getting stuff off my chest (which poetry does)...as to weeping when the ;eaves were raised...i dont think i said that but heck, it gives the reader something to puzzle over

 

[WiLdAtHeArT]

and then the leaves were raised again...

so now it seems that i weep harder

That's what I didn't understand.