You’ve been in this scenario dozens of times: Jonny comes to you, confessing his sexual sin. He’s looked at illicit images and videos on his phone. He’s struggled since he was a teenager (or maybe elementary school?). And he’s given up. He’s a weary soldier—battle-fatigued, desperate, hopeless. He’s come to you for help. He hopes you’ve got a magic solution to make his years of battling addiction finally go away.
While there are dozens of suggestions[1] I could make about how to help Jonny. I’ll focus on two steps that can breathe life into any desperate situation.
In our internet-saturated world, we can access illicit material virtually anywhere and anytime through a mobile device or laptop. An initial step in fighting an addiction is to cut off access points aggressively. After all, Jesus taught us to cut off our sins brutally.
If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell. (Matt. 5:29-30 ESV).
Our Lord uses exaggerated language (“tear it out and throw it away”) to make a point—we can’t be passive about our sins. We must take radical steps to cut sin out of our lives. What does that mean for porn addiction? To win this war, the struggler must completely and thoroughly cut off access to illicit material.
As pastors, we’ve got to help Jonny see Jesus’ standard and how Jonny’s defeatist attitude is destroying him. He thinks: “What’s the use? I’m defective. I’ll never overcome this addiction. It controls my life.” He’s self-condemning and ashamed. His “I’ll-never-overcome” attitude results in passivity in fighting his sin.
If Jonny gets ahold of Jesus’ standard, by faith, he can fight this illicit sin. His trust in Christ helps him grow more holy.
Pastors – as helpers – you maintain hope for the hopeless. That’s your job description.
Because you hold firmly to the gospel, you get to be a bearer of grace to weary Christians: “God is sufficient for these things, so don’t give up. I love you, and I’m right here with you.”
Practically speaking, do you know what an aggressive posture toward a porn addiction looks like? Have you been aggressive in getting Jonny to cut out his access points? Do you know how to shut down an iPhone and deny complete access? Here are a few suggestions:
You might think: “What’s the point? He’ll find illicit content eventually.” He might. But as long as I have breath, I will do everything I can to slow down his consumption of porn. Doing anything less is like saying: “It’s okay for you to drink poison.”
Think of porn addiction as an inordinate, ruling desire that ruins Jonny’s life. Picture a large, ugly, fire-breathing dragon. Give it a juicy sirloin steak, and it won’t be satisfied. It’s got an insatiable appetite for more. So also with an addiction, the carnal desires constantly scream for more. The “I want, I want, I want” overruns Jonny’s life.
The apostle Paul tells us to make no provision for the sinful flesh (Rom. 13:14). Our goal in cutting off access is to starve these carnal desires for porn.
Here’s the kicker: Cutting off access to illicit material won’t ultimately solve this problem. It’s only a first (and important) step. Real change comes through the pathway of the heart.
The heart is the command center of our will and affections. Jesus taught us that out of the overflow of our hearts, our thoughts, words, feelings, and actions spring forth (Luke 6:43-45; Matt. 6:19-21; 12:33-37).
Tina was sleeping with her boyfriend Peter. She enjoyed sex, but the real issue was her desire to be desired. She wanted a man’s attention and affirmation. As twisted as this sounds, she knew that if she gave over her body, she could get that attention. And she used her body to get it. Peter made Tina watch porn with him, and she eventually became addicted. When Peter got tired of her, he dumped her and left her with a long-term addiction.
Colin was often stressed with work. His boss was demeaning and demanding, and the pressure never let up. When he couldn’t take the stress anymore, he’d shut the door at work and plunge into porn. It numbed his out-of-control feelings, and the porn gave him refuge from the stress for a few minutes. Add to this, Colin felt a sense of entitlement: “Because my boss is such a jerk, I deserve a little something for my efforts.”
In Tina and Colin’s situations, you see that lust is involved, but there is much more than just lust—there’s a desire to be desired, a need for escape, and a sense of entitlement. These are the deeper issues behind the porn struggles.
Practically speaking, when you talk to Tina or Colin or Jonny, don’t settle for more circumstantial questions—When did you look at illicit material? How often? What were your access points? You need to ask all these things, but if you stop there, you’re falling short.
There are deep things attached to the human heart—dreams, hopes, goals, motivations, and fears (cf. Prov. 20:5). You must ask questions that uncover these deeper issues. Who or what do you trust? Where is your garden of true delight? Where do you put your hope? Where do you find refuge, safety, or comfort? What gets you up in the morning? What makes you tick? What sun does your planet revolve around?[2]
A lot of strugglers won’t know how to answer these questions. After you ask heart-revealing questions, Tina or Jonny might look like deer trapped in headlights. Sin blind addicts to the motivations of their hearts, but the gospel is heart-revealing. Love is not efficient. A patient exploration of the heart takes time.
Shame often gets in the way at this moment. It beckons Jonny or Tina to hide and run away. It doesn’t want to expose the sin (Eph. 5:11). It wants to be isolated and stuck in it (Prov. 18:1). It doesn’t want to seek help because it’s given up on God or the possibility of change.
If you can get to these deeper issues and expose the sickness of an addict’s heart, you give the struggler something to repent of. In pulling the weeds of their heart, real change is possible. In this moment, the gospel can declare: Christ is satisfying, better, and more beautiful than your carnal desires. The gospel helps Jonny and Tina see the deeper reasons for their sin and carves out a pathway towards true hope and change.
Gospel hope helps a pastor be an ambassador for change. If an addict has been stuck in porn for years, this won’t turn around overnight. It will take months (sometimes years) to get Jonny or Tina out of the hole, but with Christ, it is possible.
[1] If you are interested in more, see my co-authored two book set – Rescue Skills and Rescue Plan (P & R Publishers; 2021).
[2] These questions come from David Powlison, whom I am indebted to in more ways than I can count. For many more heart-revealing questions, see David Powlison, X-Ray Questions: Drawing out the Whys and Wherefores of Human Behavior (Journal of Biblical Counseling, Vol. 18, No. 1, Fall 1999, pgs. 2-9).
The post A Word to Pastors: Two Crucial Steps in Fighting Porn Addictions appeared first on Focus on the Family.
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While there are dozens of suggestions[1] I could make about how to help Jonny. I’ll focus on two steps that can breathe life into any desperate situation.
Step #1: Brutally cut off access
In our internet-saturated world, we can access illicit material virtually anywhere and anytime through a mobile device or laptop. An initial step in fighting an addiction is to cut off access points aggressively. After all, Jesus taught us to cut off our sins brutally.
If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell. (Matt. 5:29-30 ESV).
Our Lord uses exaggerated language (“tear it out and throw it away”) to make a point—we can’t be passive about our sins. We must take radical steps to cut sin out of our lives. What does that mean for porn addiction? To win this war, the struggler must completely and thoroughly cut off access to illicit material.
As pastors, we’ve got to help Jonny see Jesus’ standard and how Jonny’s defeatist attitude is destroying him. He thinks: “What’s the use? I’m defective. I’ll never overcome this addiction. It controls my life.” He’s self-condemning and ashamed. His “I’ll-never-overcome” attitude results in passivity in fighting his sin.
If Jonny gets ahold of Jesus’ standard, by faith, he can fight this illicit sin. His trust in Christ helps him grow more holy.
Pastors – as helpers – you maintain hope for the hopeless. That’s your job description.
Because you hold firmly to the gospel, you get to be a bearer of grace to weary Christians: “God is sufficient for these things, so don’t give up. I love you, and I’m right here with you.”
Practically speaking, do you know what an aggressive posture toward a porn addiction looks like? Have you been aggressive in getting Jonny to cut out his access points? Do you know how to shut down an iPhone and deny complete access? Here are a few suggestions:
- Trouble often comes late at night and in isolation. Use the restrictions function to shut off the phone so Jonny can’t use it past 9 or 10 p.m. (If troubles come at a different time, then shut down the phone at the most difficult times).
- Make sure to remove the normal browsers like Firefox or Chrome and only allow for monitored browsers.
- Give the control for the restriction functions to an accountability partner. Why? Because in a weak moment, Jonny will take off the restrictions and look at illicit material. In order to protect himself from himself, he’s got to give away control.
- An addict will find ways to work around these restrictions. Get Jonny to be honest about his typical workarounds—like imbedded browsers in sports apps—and then get rid of them.
- Shut down the app store. Jonny shouldn’t be allowed to download apps, or else he’ll find unhelpful things in weak moments.
- After you’ve done all this, type into the search bar an app that won’t be helpful and see if it still pulls up. If so, keep working at the restrictions until the dangerous apps are no longer available.
You might think: “What’s the point? He’ll find illicit content eventually.” He might. But as long as I have breath, I will do everything I can to slow down his consumption of porn. Doing anything less is like saying: “It’s okay for you to drink poison.”
Think of porn addiction as an inordinate, ruling desire that ruins Jonny’s life. Picture a large, ugly, fire-breathing dragon. Give it a juicy sirloin steak, and it won’t be satisfied. It’s got an insatiable appetite for more. So also with an addiction, the carnal desires constantly scream for more. The “I want, I want, I want” overruns Jonny’s life.
The apostle Paul tells us to make no provision for the sinful flesh (Rom. 13:14). Our goal in cutting off access is to starve these carnal desires for porn.
Step #2: Go after the addict’s heart
Here’s the kicker: Cutting off access to illicit material won’t ultimately solve this problem. It’s only a first (and important) step. Real change comes through the pathway of the heart.
The heart is the command center of our will and affections. Jesus taught us that out of the overflow of our hearts, our thoughts, words, feelings, and actions spring forth (Luke 6:43-45; Matt. 6:19-21; 12:33-37).
Tina was sleeping with her boyfriend Peter. She enjoyed sex, but the real issue was her desire to be desired. She wanted a man’s attention and affirmation. As twisted as this sounds, she knew that if she gave over her body, she could get that attention. And she used her body to get it. Peter made Tina watch porn with him, and she eventually became addicted. When Peter got tired of her, he dumped her and left her with a long-term addiction.
Colin was often stressed with work. His boss was demeaning and demanding, and the pressure never let up. When he couldn’t take the stress anymore, he’d shut the door at work and plunge into porn. It numbed his out-of-control feelings, and the porn gave him refuge from the stress for a few minutes. Add to this, Colin felt a sense of entitlement: “Because my boss is such a jerk, I deserve a little something for my efforts.”
In Tina and Colin’s situations, you see that lust is involved, but there is much more than just lust—there’s a desire to be desired, a need for escape, and a sense of entitlement. These are the deeper issues behind the porn struggles.
Practically speaking, when you talk to Tina or Colin or Jonny, don’t settle for more circumstantial questions—When did you look at illicit material? How often? What were your access points? You need to ask all these things, but if you stop there, you’re falling short.
There are deep things attached to the human heart—dreams, hopes, goals, motivations, and fears (cf. Prov. 20:5). You must ask questions that uncover these deeper issues. Who or what do you trust? Where is your garden of true delight? Where do you put your hope? Where do you find refuge, safety, or comfort? What gets you up in the morning? What makes you tick? What sun does your planet revolve around?[2]
A lot of strugglers won’t know how to answer these questions. After you ask heart-revealing questions, Tina or Jonny might look like deer trapped in headlights. Sin blind addicts to the motivations of their hearts, but the gospel is heart-revealing. Love is not efficient. A patient exploration of the heart takes time.
Shame often gets in the way at this moment. It beckons Jonny or Tina to hide and run away. It doesn’t want to expose the sin (Eph. 5:11). It wants to be isolated and stuck in it (Prov. 18:1). It doesn’t want to seek help because it’s given up on God or the possibility of change.
If you can get to these deeper issues and expose the sickness of an addict’s heart, you give the struggler something to repent of. In pulling the weeds of their heart, real change is possible. In this moment, the gospel can declare: Christ is satisfying, better, and more beautiful than your carnal desires. The gospel helps Jonny and Tina see the deeper reasons for their sin and carves out a pathway towards true hope and change.
Be patient and don’t give up
Gospel hope helps a pastor be an ambassador for change. If an addict has been stuck in porn for years, this won’t turn around overnight. It will take months (sometimes years) to get Jonny or Tina out of the hole, but with Christ, it is possible.
[1] If you are interested in more, see my co-authored two book set – Rescue Skills and Rescue Plan (P & R Publishers; 2021).
[2] These questions come from David Powlison, whom I am indebted to in more ways than I can count. For many more heart-revealing questions, see David Powlison, X-Ray Questions: Drawing out the Whys and Wherefores of Human Behavior (Journal of Biblical Counseling, Vol. 18, No. 1, Fall 1999, pgs. 2-9).
The post A Word to Pastors: Two Crucial Steps in Fighting Porn Addictions appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...