Adult child that won't let go.....

[pat8888]

My daughter is 23 now, been married at age 19 and has one four year old son.She can't seem to keep any relationship with a man longer then 3 weeks.I feel she is selfish and immature in many ways.... She manages to drag home each and everyone of the men, and just when we think HE is the one, it's ended.She is constantently doing things that bring her down,and wants to run home every time.She is in constant turmoil with jobs, moving every few months,financial and all.... She comes back into our home and disrupts the whole household.We have three kids at home at ages16,14 and 10, all in vulnerable ages.We do not agree, as Christians, with her life style, and I find it hard as a mom when to say" NO".We have asked her to go to counseling, but she says's she has no problems!! :o What would you do???

We are now in the middle of yet another relationship, now interracial, and now pregnant... :

 

[Lyric's Dad]

My daughter is 23 now, been married at age 19 and has one four year old son.She can't seem to keep any relationship with a man longer then 3 weeks.I feel she is selfish and immature in many ways.... She manages to drag home each and everyone of the men, and just when we think HE is the one, it's ended.She is constantently doing things that bring her down,and wants to run home every time.She is in constant turmoil with jobs, moving every few months,financial and all.... She comes back into our home and disrupts the whole household.We have three kids at home at ages16,14 and 10, all in vulnerable ages.We do not agree, as Christians, with her life style, and I find it hard as a mom when to say" NO".We have asked her to go to counseling, but she says's she has no problems!! :o What would you do???

We are now in the middle of yet another relationship, now interracial, and now pregnant... :

I would like to give some advice but first I need to know why the fact that the relationship is interacial is an issue?

 

[Nikki]

[I would like to give some advice but first I need to know why the fact that the relationship is interacial is an issue?

Maybe they're like my hubby's parents. Interracial relationships will ALWAYS be a problem for them. My hubby used to not even SPEAK to black people. He was raised not to. Now, he has many black friends. While he doesn't agree with interracial relationships, he has still come a long way. He still won't accept his sister since she started dating a black man. In fact, I got into a HUGE argument with him last week over it. It gives me a headache to even think about it. But I prooved some really good points to him and I think they sunk in....at least I hope they did.

It's IGNORANCE. Racism is pure ignorance.

 

[pat8888]

Up Date!!!! and thanks for the replies!!!!

Thanks for the replies... To me the interracial thing is NOT a problem.God sees not color.Of course, when you have to deal with family and the ones who are not Christians, there are going to be issues.I know from friends, that the kids always seem to have issues as well.... This is just ONE more issue, she will have to address along with a million others at this point.She isn't mature enough to deal with any of it, much less bringing up a child that will have to deal with weather he belongs to the white or blacks.....(I don't want him/her to grow up insecure and feel any rejection). You know how people are!!!

At this point, I need to figure out what all of the other issues are, and take them one at a time.I know God is good, and that He will be here for it all just don't even know where to start!!!!

Apparently the daddy didn't want to mention this pregnancy to his family just yet.My daughter decided that they needed to know, so took it upon herself to e-mail them.Now the dad is MAD and she has had no response from the family either.What is all of that saying?? Her I am taking her to the hospital because she is so sick, feeding her, entertaining her etc.Isn't it time the dad stepped up to the plate and did something??? They are all Christians and work at a very BIG church, maybe that has something to do with it???Yikes help!!!!!

 

[Nikki]

If I was your daughter, my mom would have told me to get a job and work like the millions of other single, pregnant moms in the world. Sure, she would have helped some, but it sounds like you are doing too much. Your daughter has made some very bad choices and it doesn't sound like she's learning anything probably because you're always there to pick her back up. You need to make her get a job, get her own place, etc and MAKE her grow up. Maybe she'll make wiser decisions when she realizes she has to deal with her consequences without your help.

As for the biracial issue, if the child has a strong supportive family (from either OR both sides), then they do fairly well. Interracial relationships have dramatically increased over the years and it's very common now. If the father or his family won't come around, then take it upon yourself to teach him/her about the african culture.

I wish you luck. My sister in law has always mooched off her parents, then she cheated on her hubby with a black man and there has now been all sorts of drama for over a year because of everything due to my in-laws being extremely racist. We thought that maybe her having this baby and her parents disowning her would make her grow up, but it hasn't. She's now mooching off the babys daddy's parents. Her and this new guy have been throw out of their apartment, they have no insurance, and he totaled her car. It's a HUGE mess and I hope you have better luck. Just please be there for the innocent children. They didn't get to choose their parents, so they need all the love they can get from others when their parents aren't around or they're making bad decisions.

 

[pat8888]

Hi Nikki

Thanks for the in-put!! Yes it is always the innocent ones that get the worst of it!!!
Go figure this one, my daughter has had jobs, but the most they last is a year.She was actually a vet tech with good pay and benefits and she decides to do all of this stuff.She moved in with the daddy, but he had room mates that didn't want a women around.He got her an apartment, and at that time she had a car ( From another relationship) that was taken away from her because she couldn't keep up with the payments,insurance and all that.She doesn't like to be alone, so she has been hanging out here for the last week.I told her tonight, that it is time for her to go home to her place.
It's because of the grandkids that I put up with it, your right they couldn't pick their parents.I want them to be strong and proud of whom they are, after all God created them, and he makes no junk!!!!!!

I guess I am just having trouble at figuring out when to draw the line... I too hope she wakes up one day and comes to reality,I guess I haven't helped on that one much.

Thanks again for the post, I hope your sister in law will grow up one day too....

 

[Nikki]

Re: Hi Nikki

Thanks for the in-put!! Yes it is always the innocent ones that get the worst of it!!!
Go figure this one, my daughter has had jobs, but the most they last is a year.She was actually a vet tech with good pay and benefits and she decides to do all of this stuff.She moved in with the daddy, but he had room mates that didn't want a women around.He got her an apartment, and at that time she had a car ( From another relationship) that was taken away from her because she couldn't keep up with the payments,insurance and all that.She doesn't like to be alone, so she has been hanging out here for the last week.I told her tonight, that it is time for her to go home to her place.
It's because of the grandkids that I put up with it, your right they couldn't pick their parents.I want them to be strong and proud of whom they are, after all God created them, and he makes no junk!!!!!!

I guess I am just having trouble at figuring out when to draw the line... I too hope she wakes up one day and comes to reality,I guess I haven't helped on that one much.

Thanks again for the post, I hope your sister in law will grow up one day too....

It's easy for me to say that you should make her grow up. My kids are only 6 and 7, so I haven't been in your shoes. My sister was a problem child. She was just a young teenager though. My parents finally gave her tough love. One night, after running away, the cops found her and called my parents to come get her. My mom told them to keep her. Talk about a shock that gave my sister! They eventually had to send her away to a Christian girls home/counseling place for 2-3 months. It KILLED my parents. They felt like failures because they weren't able to deal with her themselves and they were afraid she would hate them for sending her away.

My sister is now 36, WONDERFUL and said that was the BEST thing my parents could have done for her.

So, I say what I said because I've seen tough love work in my own family.

 

[pat8888]

Thank you for the advice, yes I can only imagine this was hard on your parents, more so then on your sister.It does start at a very early age though, and yours are at the perfect age, because it seems as soon as that innocent stage after 11 goes, the hormones and everything else seems to settle in.I strongly though believe that talking( Open communication) with them and knowing who their friends are and where they are, is priority.Keeping them busy in sports is another great way to keep them out of trouble.For the most part, my daughter has been good, just made some real bad choices, some I think stemming from her non-relationship with her dad.I wrote to her church today and asked for the singles Pastor to call her.I hope this will be a start of couseling for her.Thanks again for the post, it isn't easy being a parent, but the tough love does work, I just need to learn to be tough myself!!!!

 

[pat8888]

Nikki: Thanks for coming back to this so many times, you have given great advice and maybe this will help someone else out there too with a adult child, heck start early :wink:

I know there must be others out there too, how does one get tough??? It seems as Christians we are taught to love, and I have one of those care giving personalities which makes it even worse.Learning from others I guess might be a way.I tended to want to make up for the fact that I had gotten divorced from her dad, and then we struggled to survive.Now we are well off and her siblings get things she didn't.Some jealousy issue there I guess.

Anyways, thanks for being my support on this, I so appreciate you!!! By the way I do have seven kids, and they are all wonderful.

 

[Kefka]

***Removed by moderator***

Yes, the daughter's problems are the parent's fault :roll: And yes, the 'old school' way of raising kids works... it teaches them to be cold, hard and unable to relate to anyone in the real world. Coldness and hardness doesn't equal toughness, it equals cowardice and wife beating. Remeber, if you kid commits suicide... it's your fault, you better deal with it for the rest of your life. And then, when your crying yourself to sleep every night... and considering suicide yourself... remember that you can just blame it on YOUR parents (following you logic here) does it still sound right to you?

And by the way, it's your "old school" way of raising kids that lead to many a beating for my mom, and me and my brothers.