advice about my parents...im 26 so its something different to the norm

[livingtildead]

this is gonna be a long one.
me and my family are all christians .however i really think my mother has got faith and love for her daughter confused back to front and sideways.
anyway here is the background.when i was 9 my mum didnt realise she was pregnant until she was 6mths gone when she gave birth everything seemed ok.a yr later it was confirmed that my little brother has williams syndrome (which is mental and physical).anyway i struggled with it all as obviously everything was about him and hospital appointments etc.in alot of ways i felt pushed away and basically felt like my childhood was over.my mother also got diagnosed with an underactive thyroid which resulted in massive mood swings(you could hear her a mile away).then at the age of 14 i found god and got baptised.then at 16 onwards i turned my back on god and my family.i was a real piece of work...i lied,stole and slept around etc (it was so bad i ended up getting raped)then something went ping in my head and decided to search for god....and i did i found him in all his glory.i then found a guy who is not the norm (hes 27 yrs older).throughout all these ups and downs i had a lot of turbulence especially mentally.i used to self harm and had suicidal thoughts.(i still do but not as frequently).i saw a shrink and she asked me a question which struck me dumb...has your parents ever told you that they love you?.
i realised they never have.i sat down and spoke to my parents seperately(they are still together but my mother doesnt let my dad get a word in).
i spoke to my dad.i asked him and he didnt say a word.i dold him about the depression,the self harm and the suicidal thoughts.he told me to stop being daft and to trust in god.i said would it kill you to give me a hug when ive just poured my heart out?he walked away to make himself a coffee.he is a quiet man and up til now i have always prefered to talk to him.not anymore.
i spoke to my mother and said the same thing though she had already seen my scars from self harming.she said the same thing...to trust in god.i said to her yes i love god etc but why wont you love me,why wont you physically put your arms around me(god cant).she said dont be daft and carried on watching tv.i asked her why she doesnt believe in depression.she said apparently she believes it exists but she thinks it only happens to non believers.the weird thing is she works on the chair of governors for special schools and will do anything for anyone except us.

sorry i rabbited on there but people from that snap shot of my life.what is your view?is it normal for parents not to say once in 26yrs that they love me?how do i deal with this?what should i do?should i walk away from my family?

it doesnt help either that according to all tests on myself and my husband that there is no chance of being able to have children.(please pray for this)
it physically hurts that i cant have a child to love.

 

[jwoods4290]

this is gonna be a long one.
me and my family are all christians .however i really think my mother has got faith and love for her daughter confused back to front and sideways.
anyway here is the background.when i was 9 my mum didnt realise she was pregnant until she was 6mths gone when she gave birth everything seemed ok.a yr later it was confirmed that my little brother has williams syndrome (which is mental and physical).anyway i struggled with it all as obviously everything was about him and hospital appointments etc.in alot of ways i felt pushed away and basically felt like my childhood was over.my mother also got diagnosed with an underactive thyroid which resulted in massive mood swings(you could hear her a mile away).then at the age of 14 i found god and got baptised.then at 16 onwards i turned my back on god and my family.i was a real piece of work...i lied,stole and slept around etc (it was so bad i ended up getting raped)then something went ping in my head and decided to search for god....and i did i found him in all his glory.i then found a guy who is not the norm (hes 27 yrs older).throughout all these ups and downs i had a lot of turbulence especially mentally.i used to self harm and had suicidal thoughts.(i still do but not as frequently).i saw a shrink and she asked me a question which struck me dumb...has your parents ever told you that they love you?.
i realised they never have.i sat down and spoke to my parents seperately(they are still together but my mother doesnt let my dad get a word in).
i spoke to my dad.i asked him and he didnt say a word.i dold him about the depression,the self harm and the suicidal thoughts.he told me to stop being daft and to trust in god.i said would it kill you to give me a hug when ive just poured my heart out?he walked away to make himself a coffee.he is a quiet man and up til now i have always prefered to talk to him.not anymore.
i spoke to my mother and said the same thing though she had already seen my scars from self harming.she said the same thing...to trust in god.i said to her yes i love god etc but why wont you love me,why wont you physically put your arms around me(god cant).she said dont be daft and carried on watching tv.i asked her why she doesnt believe in depression.she said apparently she believes it exists but she thinks it only happens to non believers.the weird thing is she works on the chair of governors for special schools and will do anything for anyone except us.

sorry i rabbited on there but people from that snap shot of my life.what is your view?is it normal for parents not to say once in 26yrs that they love me?how do i deal with this?what should i do?should i walk away from my family?

it doesnt help either that according to all tests on myself and my husband that there is no chance of being able to have children.(please pray for this)
it physically hurts that i cant have a child to love.

Good morning, I just want to begin telling you welcome to the CF as i'm new here as well, and you've come to the right place, and can find all your love from here! haha as we are all brothers and sisters. i can relate to what your feeling as far as it comes from your parents love. i cannot explain how you exactly feel, since we always do feel different, but i can relate and try to help the best way i can and i wish to explain to you my story. so please take the time out and read it, as i do find it can be helpful.


Basically i'm going to wrap this story up short.


- at age 4, parents divorced

-age 12, dad was remarried
-age 14, dad and my mom fought for custody, my dad signed his rights away.
-age 15, my mom comitted suicide, i found her. now to make this a little touchy, my mom was my best friend. she loved me and i loved her. Please note, the doctors had told her she could never have children. EVER. she had cancer which was destroying her ovaries or something like that. But i am here today, but no brothers and sisters. she was able to have a child. god let her. Do not give up faith on having a child. I do believe god will make it happen, just keep your faith and believe strongly.
-age 16, my dad took me, but, they sent me to a impatient center (said i was crazy and doing heroin). Which, i wouldn't touch that stuff for my life and i sware that. they toook my 20k dollars my mom saved, and left me there for about a year. telling everyone i didn't want nothing to do with anyone, and no one visited me. not even my own dad. the other people would have parents, family, i had no one on visiting hours. no one came to see me.

Now, what i want you to notice is, my mom died from oxycotton. so i always felt she loved her drugs more then anything. and my dad just gave more of a **** about his new wife, and her kids then his own son. I never felt "pure" love from parents before. I had a taste of what love was, but never, pure.


To this day i always question "why?". but i do not linger my self within this topic. today i have a beautiful son, which that love i've always desired, is within my 4 month year old son, all the love i could ever want is right here.

God will show you the way, and will show you more love then you could have ever wanted, just keep searching for it. it will come to you, you must believe me. Of course i wanted my parents love, but if i quit my life due to that, i would of have not achieved anything, nor even pursued my happiness and desire for love. The word "I love you" is like no other word before. it is such a wanted desire, but i'm happy at the same time, it took me 22 years to find out what true love was,because i learned to appreciate it that much more.


As far as your parents go, i would not turn my back , but i would not expect anything from them. If they wish to not want to show you that desire, then so be it. Of course, honor them as it is in the bible, but do not fight for that desire from them. would you rather want them to tell u i love u, and not even be meaningful about it? you know what i mean? i imagine they love you, but sometimes parents think it's "hard love" to be soft to their children or whatever.

I hope this helpful in any type of way. If you wish to talk more let me know, i'm here whenever someone is in need. you can also send me a PM if you wish to talk more. I wish you the best of luck. Remember, we are brothers and sisters, and that love is there. So again, you have a brother here at all times.

 

[Bfnaught]

Unfortunately there are a lot of Christians that don't believe in mental illness. They believe that more prayer and a stronger relationship with God will solve it. I believe depression is real. Yes, prayer is a must, but there are root causes for the way people feel. I totally understand the chaos of your adolescence. I can't imagine growing up in a house without love.

The question is, what to do now? I would suggest praying about your new found revelation that your parents never showed you love. Pray for understanding and for forgiveness for your parents. As broken as you may have felt, they are clearly broken as well. You need to forgive them, and love them the way God loves you. Tell them you love them and shower them with hugs.

My wife and I tried unsuccessfully for 6 years to get pregnant. The doctors could find no medical reasons why not, it just wasn't happening. Shortly after I came to Christ she got pregnant. Remember, God works for the good of those who love him, according to his purpose. Have faith in his plan.

Sent from my Nexus S 4G using Tapatalk 2

 

[Carolyn]

In the 19th century and before, as well in other cultures, it was normal to not verbalize love this way. Families bonded by working together. Fathers expressed love by providing for his family, working long hours. Everyone had to work from the youngest to the oldest and they had large families. Our American culture has changed dramaticlly. Child labor is forbidden and some parents don't teach their kids how to work. Single Mothers who work 2 jobs don't have time for some of this. The oldest child often quits school to help provide for the family. Sometimes the brothers and sisters took turns helping to support putting one of them through college. They may not say I LOVE YOU but they pulled together to help each other outl They said it by their actions.

But some families actually reject their children because they also had been craving real love. They thought they would get that kind of love from a baby, a little child. No such luck. Babys just suck the life out of you. It is the adult who must give and give, getting little in return. Babies are exhausting hard work. Cleaning up messes, diapers, bathing, "The cat litter is a no no! Don' eat it." After pouring love, discipline, guidance and family play time into the kids, occasionally after they become adults they say "thank you, I really appreciate that you did not give up on me but always wanted the best for me." I wrote one of those notes to my dad when I was in my 20s. When he died I found it on his night stand where he had read it over and over
.
You might try meeting their need for appretiation and thank them for giving you a Christian foundation or whatever you can think of that you can say sincerely.
Being a parent is a thankless job. When you do thank them they will probably ask you what or how much you want this time.

I used to tell my husband that I loved him and he would demand WHY? I would tell him "just because you are you" He told me many years later that it really got to him. No one had loved him for himself.

The best kind of Christian counseling is from a pastor who has training in using the Scriptures to guide you to a good solution. I had a friend who said that plychologists told her what her problems were but could not help her find the answers.

 

[farouk]

In the 19th century and before, as well in other cultures, it was normal to not verbalize love this way. Families bonded by working together. Fathers expressed love by providing for his family, working long hours. Everyone had to work from the youngest to the oldest and they had large families. Our American culture has changed dramaticlly. Child labor is forbidden and some parents don't teach their kids how to work. Single Mothers who work 2 jobs don't have time for some of this. The oldest child often quits school to help provide for the family. Sometimes the brothers and sisters took turns helping to support putting one of them through college. They may not say I LOVE YOU but they pulled together to help each other outl They said it by their actions.

But some families actually reject their children because they also had been craving real love. They thought they would get that kind of love from a baby, a little child. No such luck. Babys just suck the life out of you. It is the adult who must give and give, getting little in return. Babies are exhausting hard work. Cleaning up messes, diapers, bathing, "The cat litter is a no no! Don' eat it." After pouring love, discipline, guidance and family play time into the kids, occasionally after they become adults they say "thank you, I really appreciate that you did not give up on me but always wanted the best for me." I wrote one of those notes to my dad when I was in my 20s. When he died I found it on his night stand where he had read it over and over
.
You might try meeting their need for appretiation and thank them for giving you a Christian foundation or whatever you can think of that you can say sincerely.
Being a parent is a thankless job. When you do thank them they will probably ask you what or how much you want this time.

I used to tell my husband that I loved him and he would demand WHY? I would tell him "just because you are you" He told me many years later that it really got to him. No one had loved him for himself.

The best kind of Christian counseling is from a pastor who has training in using the Scriptures to guide you to a good solution. I had a friend who said that plychologists told her what her problems were but could not help her find the answers.

Carolyn:

Good answer!

Blessings.