Am I being too harsh?

[handy]

My daughter had a serious falling out with her best friend since she was 5 years old last fall. Her friend really stabbed her in the back, at a time when she really needed a friend. Recently, they are reconnecting. Her friend has apologized for her betrayal and they are patching things up. Which is a good thing, because she truly has been Viola's longest and closest friend over the years.

Here's the thing: Her friend has lived with her grandparents since she was 5, because back then, her mom was a druggie and allowed her to be sexually molested by her live in boyfriend. The grandparents have full custody of this girl, who has overcome the sexual abuse and seems to be doing pretty well. However, now she is wanting to go back and live with her mom and her grandparents are allowing her to stay with her mom for extended visits. When the girl was over at our house last week, she was excitedly telling me how great her mom is doing, how her mom is clean of drugs now, is married to a great guy and they are doing great. Great.

When we were in town for a local fair, this girl wanted my daughter to go over to her mom's place and stay over there until her step-dad woke up and then they could all go to the fair together. I hedged a bit, but said that we could go over to meet her mom.

Now, her mom and step-dad live in a 10x50 mobile home. They have two small boys, about 4 and 5 year of age, and they have the second, very small bedroom for the girl to stay in when she's there. So, the overwhelming mess the place was in was understandable. Four, sometimes five, people in a space that small is a lot.

What got me is that this woman is 5 months pregnant and was smoking like a chimney with her two little boys sitting close enough to her to physically touch her. It's not like she's young and stupid...she's got to be at least in her late 30's, and already at a higher risk for pregnancy anyway...and she's chain smoking. She was laying down on the sofa when we got there, and sort of leaned up on her arm, but didn't get up. She was personally very unkempt, hair a mess, dirty clothes, overflowing ashtray sitting on her baby-belly.

I just can't see allowing Viola to be over there. I don't think a little exposure to second-hand smoke is going to kill her, but I just can't seem to think this woman has her act together all that much.

Am I over-reacting? Or does the smoking while pregnant and general lack of both personal hygiene and housekeeping show that she still has a long way to go before she's responsible enough to allow my daughter to be in their home.

 

[Sparkey]

Handy,

Every time (without exception) when I look back with 20/20 hindsight on decisions that I regret I find one thing they all share in common. I ignored warning signs. Can we wish that the mother learned her lesson and can make better decisions now? Indeed yes! But would would that look like?

Just my two-cents,

Sparrow

 

[reba]

Some daytime visitation is way different then spending the night... My heart aches for the girl bet yours does too... limit the visits I can see in your posts you know what is right.

 

[Praisethelord]

You don't say how old your daughter is, so I'm going to assume she is early to mid teens. At that age, when I went over to my friends' houses, we pretty much did our own thing and didn't have too much contact with parents. Your daughter's friend needs to have friends despite (and perhaps moreso because of) who is raising her. I would suggest that after a visit to X's mom's house, ask your daughter to identify some poor decisions made by the mother. If you are truly uncomfortable with your daughter going to her friend's house, you should invite the friend over to yours.

 

[handy]

Thanks for the replies. I think for now, the girl is welcome to hang out at our place, or go places with Viola. Perhaps, as time goes by, I'll feel more comfortable with Viola going into the home, but for now...I just can't ignore the mama bear within me saying "no way".

 

[reba]

 

[BobbyKing]

Hi

Every household has their own family rules and policy, and mine included. Let me share my thoughts here.

For my three daughters, the strict rule is no staying overnight at friends place, reason being that there are other people around (especially guys) the house and hence, no. They accepted it because we have discussed together and my girls know that this rule is meant for their security & protection. Nevertheless , we make alternatives.. Go out to beach, park, shopping center where it is a public place.

To answer your question: are you Over-reacting? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Your daughter mentioned that her mum has kicked the drugs problem and things have changed. Obviously, what you see isn't so. Have you address that with your daughter? You should.

My answer is a firm loving No. But, from my experience, as parents, we can make alternatives; how about they spend more time together when at the fair? Or plan some activities for both of them in town?

Hope the above helps....

 

[Danus]

I just can't see allowing Viola to be over there. I don't think a little exposure to second-hand smoke is going to kill her, but I just can't seem to think this woman has her act together all that much.

Am I over-reacting? Or does the smoking while pregnant and general lack of both personal hygiene and housekeeping show that she still has a long way to go before she's responsible enough to allow my daughter to be in their home.

Folks might call me judgmental and they'd be right. I am. I judge people all the time. I base my judgment on their character which I judge by what they say and do.

Your not over reacting at all. I would not let my daughter stay over there. Here are the negatives.

1. Smoking
OK, I understand people smoke. It's an addiction to nicotine. I know people who smoke and some are parents of my kids friends, but their homes smell fine and they don't have ash trays around. They may excuse themselves to smoke outside.
2. smoking while pregnant
3. smoking around other small children
Who does this?!! Someone who cares more about themselves than others, but not only others; others who can't really do much about it. Others whom should be cared for the most. This is unconscionable.
4. past history
It sounds like the past of this woman is not to far behind her...not far enough. I know people have problems, but this lady had some serious issues, and while I guess she's on a better path I have to wonder what is motivating her? People don't just change over night.

What about this man she's with now? Do you know anything about him? What type of man would be with a woman like this? A woman with the qualities you mentioned? I'm not suggesting that there is no good in her, but it sounds like she's pretty weak.

I know my kids are younger and I have more control due to their age, but If you tell your daughter no....is it going to be an explosion? Because if it is, I'd just tell her no, and exactly why in a firm manner up front. You may need back up.

My wife and I are starting to practice this. When there is an issue we need to address with our girls, we neutralize it first by discussing it between each other away from them. Then we reach an agreement and we rehearse our roles, and what we will each say. We also discuss how our child might react and what we might say if...A, B, or C scenario. As they get older I feel this tactic will become more valuable.

 

[Levi]

No you are not being to harsh by any stretch of the imagination.

Just take it for what it is and do what you know you're obliged to do, as a caring and reasonable parent.

 

[handy]

Well, a while has passed since I've posted this and as it happens, the issue hasn't come up. While the two girls have patched up their friendship, they just aren't as close as they once were and my daughter hasn't made the least move towards going over to her friend's mother's place.

I think my daughter is too wary of telling too much to this girl after she inexplicably turned on her last fall and with girls...if you can't tell a girlfriend all your secrets, then she's not much of a girlfriend.

Which is for the best.

 

[Danus]

Well, a while has passed since I've posted this and as it happens, the issue hasn't come up. While the two girls have patched up their friendship, they just aren't as close as they once were and my daughter hasn't made the least move towards going over to her friend's mother's place.

I think my daughter is too wary of telling too much to this girl after she inexplicably turned on her last fall and with girls...if you can't tell a girlfriend all your secrets, then she's not much of a girlfriend.

Which is for the best.

Huummmm..... I can't help but wonder if your daughter might be starting to think her Mom may be right?

 

[Nikki]

Having an almost 14 year old daughter, I think you made the right decision. did you daughter argue with you after your visit to Viola's house when you told her she couldn't spend the night? If not, then I have a feeling she realizes you're right. My daughter has/had a friend and she wasn't allowed to spend the night there because I know that the parents drink quite often. It used to be an issue with my daughter, but now she realizes that I was just looking out for her safety and she has no desire to stay there.