If you’ve been in pastoral ministry for any length, you know there are many things they didn’t teach you in seminary. A major area is handling church conflict, whether in shepherding the flock or personally. It can be a very different experience to counsel others through hurt and conflict than navigating that hurt and conflict yourself.
Maybe you can relate to some of these circumstances:
If you can’t relate, first, thank the Lord. But secondly, remember that many of your fellow ministers have dealt with these issues, including me!
Any of the circumstances I listed could foster bitterness. Someone once said, “Bitterness is the poisonous pill we swallow, hoping it will kill someone else.” This statement has profoundly influenced me to battle bitterness because I have seen the potential for its destructive influence in my life and those I shepherd.
So how do you battle bitterness biblically?
Paul gives very clear guidance on what we are to do with bitterness: “Let all bitterness, wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:31-32).
Understanding Paul’s flow of thought leading up to these verses will help you see how to kill bitterness before it poisons you. In this beautiful section, Paul discusses casting off the old man, being renewed in the spirit of the mind, and putting on the new man (verses 21-24). The pattern is the same for each set of illustrations he gives. There is always a put-off, followed by a put-on, and then a motive for doing it.
An example of these three actions is in verse 29, in which he discusses “corrupting talk.” Corrupting talk is to be put off and replaced by speech “good for building up.” That’s followed by the motive “that it may give grace to those who hear.”
Now in the crescendo of chapter 4, he puts bitterness, anger, wrath, evil talk, and malice in the put-off category. In the put-on section, he places kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiveness. It has been helpful for me in ministry to realize that the put-ons kill the put-offs. Another way to say this is “light overcomes darkness.” Or as Paul states elsewhere, “Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21). This must be done from the right motive. Here he says the right motive is because of how much God has forgiven us. Because of the forgiveness you have received, decide to give undeserved favor.
It is easy for your heart to grow bitter in ministry in general and during conflict in particular unless the soil of your heart is healthy. Here, the healthy soil is soft and pliable, impacted by God’s grace in the gospel. This is Paul’s flow of thought in Ephesians.
As you can imagine, any growth in the Christian’s life (even a pastor’s) requires purposeful, disciplined work. This is especially true when it comes to bitterness because of the depth of the hurt. You must wrestle with your soul and come to grips with not hanging onto the offense to punish the offender. I have found through the years that this is often the motive. We don’t want to let it go because we think we’re holding our transgressor accountable in some way and punishing them. In reality, we end up hurting and poisoning ourselves.
To forgive, decide to send the sin against you away based on how much the Lord has forgiven you. Don’t wait for a feeling. Decide in your mind/soul that based upon how thankful you are for the gospel, you will give this person undeserved favor just as God has given you.
Our attitude must be, “How can I withhold forgiveness from you when I know how much I have been forgiven?” And, “Compared to my multiple offenses against the Lord, your sin against me is nothing.”
To take further steps, choose to put on kindness toward those who have sinned against you. Pray for them. Do a kind deed for them. Bitterness cannot survive in the warmth of the gospel. It only survives in cold souls.
All this means I am choosing to believe God’s word and will entrust the pain to the Almighty, who says nobody will get away with anything. God holds individuals accountable for what they do to you or your family, which is much more powerful! Forgive and let it go.
What’s the alternative to not allowing your heart to be deeply influenced by your forgiveness by God?
This would be a heavy price to pay. Life is too short, and we will all stand before the Lord soon. Please do the hard thing: Believe God’s Word and forgive.
Receiving Pastoral Criticism–5 Principles to Battle Bitterness
Shepherds, Pastor Your Family
Leadership Styles and Church Conflict
The post Battling Bitterness in Church Conflict with Forgiveness appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...
Maybe you can relate to some of these circumstances:
- Receiving anonymous letters
- Insults to your family amid a church conflict
- Criticism during a congregational meeting
- Secret meetings by the church leadership
- Being asked to resign or pressured to resign
- Gossip and slander
If you can’t relate, first, thank the Lord. But secondly, remember that many of your fellow ministers have dealt with these issues, including me!
Any of the circumstances I listed could foster bitterness. Someone once said, “Bitterness is the poisonous pill we swallow, hoping it will kill someone else.” This statement has profoundly influenced me to battle bitterness because I have seen the potential for its destructive influence in my life and those I shepherd.
So how do you battle bitterness biblically?
Forgiveness as a weapon against bitterness
Paul gives very clear guidance on what we are to do with bitterness: “Let all bitterness, wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:31-32).
Understanding Paul’s flow of thought leading up to these verses will help you see how to kill bitterness before it poisons you. In this beautiful section, Paul discusses casting off the old man, being renewed in the spirit of the mind, and putting on the new man (verses 21-24). The pattern is the same for each set of illustrations he gives. There is always a put-off, followed by a put-on, and then a motive for doing it.
An example of these three actions is in verse 29, in which he discusses “corrupting talk.” Corrupting talk is to be put off and replaced by speech “good for building up.” That’s followed by the motive “that it may give grace to those who hear.”
Now in the crescendo of chapter 4, he puts bitterness, anger, wrath, evil talk, and malice in the put-off category. In the put-on section, he places kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiveness. It has been helpful for me in ministry to realize that the put-ons kill the put-offs. Another way to say this is “light overcomes darkness.” Or as Paul states elsewhere, “Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21). This must be done from the right motive. Here he says the right motive is because of how much God has forgiven us. Because of the forgiveness you have received, decide to give undeserved favor.
It is easy for your heart to grow bitter in ministry in general and during conflict in particular unless the soil of your heart is healthy. Here, the healthy soil is soft and pliable, impacted by God’s grace in the gospel. This is Paul’s flow of thought in Ephesians.
How to forgive and kill bitterness
As you can imagine, any growth in the Christian’s life (even a pastor’s) requires purposeful, disciplined work. This is especially true when it comes to bitterness because of the depth of the hurt. You must wrestle with your soul and come to grips with not hanging onto the offense to punish the offender. I have found through the years that this is often the motive. We don’t want to let it go because we think we’re holding our transgressor accountable in some way and punishing them. In reality, we end up hurting and poisoning ourselves.
To forgive, decide to send the sin against you away based on how much the Lord has forgiven you. Don’t wait for a feeling. Decide in your mind/soul that based upon how thankful you are for the gospel, you will give this person undeserved favor just as God has given you.
Our attitude must be, “How can I withhold forgiveness from you when I know how much I have been forgiven?” And, “Compared to my multiple offenses against the Lord, your sin against me is nothing.”
To take further steps, choose to put on kindness toward those who have sinned against you. Pray for them. Do a kind deed for them. Bitterness cannot survive in the warmth of the gospel. It only survives in cold souls.
All this means I am choosing to believe God’s word and will entrust the pain to the Almighty, who says nobody will get away with anything. God holds individuals accountable for what they do to you or your family, which is much more powerful! Forgive and let it go.
What’s the Alternative?
What’s the alternative to not allowing your heart to be deeply influenced by your forgiveness by God?
- Bitterness and cynicism can eventually knock you out of ministry
- Misery in your soul
- Hurt relationships because no one likes to be around a bitter person
- Violating God’s word that commands you to forgive others
- Not living a life of faith and believing the Bible
This would be a heavy price to pay. Life is too short, and we will all stand before the Lord soon. Please do the hard thing: Believe God’s Word and forgive.
Related:
Receiving Pastoral Criticism–5 Principles to Battle Bitterness
Shepherds, Pastor Your Family
Leadership Styles and Church Conflict
The post Battling Bitterness in Church Conflict with Forgiveness appeared first on Focus on the Family.
Continue reading...