Become friends first?

[mightbedangerous]

Ok, so here's a thought/dating process or lesson I've heard frequently in Christian dating discussions, and I'm curious if everyone agrees or actually does it.

Basic rundown, the idea is to become legitimate friends first, and then date. This should be done by not hanging out in one on one situations, but first in groups of friends, learning each other through that process.

Now I agree that you should get to know someone a little past the basics before dating, however there are common thoughts/problems that arise with this method

1. How do we know when we are 'friends' and ready to move on?
2. Who makes the move?
3. What do you mean become 'friends'...I'm pretty certain I like him/her; I know more than basics, and in dating we will become closer/build trust/etc...why should we 'become friends'??

I personally, in dating, haven't executed this. I go on 4-5 dates or hangouts, one on one, but sometimes in the date we would meet up with a close friend of hers/mine. First couple dates, basics are discussed, next few a little more about life/ethics/specific beliefs etc. From there we are either going to date, or just be friends, or neither. Some will say the relationship was a fail or not because of the method of approach, others say it's attributes within the relationship, and most say it's both.

There are other ?'s that arise. But what do you guys think of this method? Do you have suggestions/add-ons?

Looking forward to the input, thanks!

 

[Tofu]

There are a couple of things involved with that, I have heard about it and advocate it personally, but I've also been learning discussing dating with other people, of various views etc and have been altering my own views.

In regards to the first question, my personal view on that is you make friends in a group setting under no false pretenses, but make genuine friendships not for the sake of trying to find someone to date but for maintaining Christian community as brothers and sisters in Christ. From there the idea is that you will know when you should take a relationship further by God's leading, guidance by his Spirit and him putting a love in your heart for that person that was not there originally and goes beyond the brother sister relationship. To do this you must first submit your desire for marriage to God and trust in him as you focus your full attention on serving him, living holy and seeking first the kingdom of God and he will bring about your spouse. Note, apart from loving God with all your heart and fully devoting yourself to him this approach isn't really spelled out in the Bible and its my own logic following the idea that we should love God with all we are and submitting our entire will, including our desires (in this case specifically for marriage) to him and not taking them back but trusting that he will use them for his glory and for your good.

Who makes the move? The man, he is the leader and in the position of authority from God in the marriage relationship.

By becoming friends it means Christian community as brothers and sisters in Christ. A brother sister relationship is pretty close, you can take that analogy further in your reasoning. There is no mandate to become friends first if you want to go dating, the Bible does not teach a philosophy about dating and a specific process. I personally like to put such a serious topic that will affect the rest of my life in the hands of God rather than my own hands and go seeking after my own wife, even if I am looking for traits that the Bible advocates in a good Christian. I personally believe that becoming friends is better than dating because of the attachment that builds during dating and the harm that is done during breakups when things don't work out, which happens often because you have to date a number of people to find the right one. The other side of that is people going crazy thinking they have to find that single right one among billions in the world, which is why I advocate submitting that desire to God and letting him take care of it. Again, there is no commandment "Thou shalt not date", all I do is ask you to check your motives, determine where God is in it and move forward from there. Discern God's will for your life (Which there are multiple views on this, whether living God's will for your life is obeying his commandments, precepts and sharing the gospel, others will add to that a specific will, that God calls you to a specific area of work, career, continent / people group called to serve, etc) and his will for your marriage (Whether he has called you to be single or married, or has he left this completely up to your free will guided by the principles of God whether this is a good person to marry or not).

I also want to point out 1 Corinthians 7:25-26, and first and foremost I point out that Paul says I have no command from the Lord. He advocates being single in that specific time period of intense persecution, and that those already married should stay so. I simply say keep that in mind, that as the end times near (which I'm not saying they are close, I personally believe they are but I haven't done enough research to substantiate this, but you can't deny that with every passing minute it is that much closer) and the world will be getting more and more evil, we are seeing more and more persecution throughout the world, and I just say keep this in mind. Even if we were in the middle of intense persecution I wouldn't say anything negative of those who got married in that time, but I simply throw it out there as a piece of counsel that Paul thought it wise to share and consider in your reasoning.

 

[ChristianNationalist]

While there's definitely something to be said about being friends first, it is dangerous. I was part of a group of friends that completely disintegrated because of hurt feelings when things went sour. If you don't share common friends it's cool, but if you're both part of a group of friends I'd not risk it unless I was sure.

 

[Sparkey]

Mine is probably a different perspective in that forming friendships for their sake alone is satisifying to me. In the past couple of years I've formed several friendships with members of both sexes. Some of those are close friendships, were we can discuss things without having to worry about editing what we say to each other, and others are more distant.

The thing is, I'm not looking to do the friendship first thing. That carries an agenda where friendships are being made for a specific purpose; we create a pool of friends from which a romantic relationship could be attempted.

I have no clue if I will be single in 10 years or not. Frankly, and again, to me -- it is okay to be satisified with my current status, single. But, and if I were to "date," it wouldn't be with a stranger so the "rule" is set aside but the safe harbor that it provides isn't.

 

[gratitude]

Yes, definitely. I've thought a lot about this concept of becoming friends first, and that is what I think is right. I'm in my 30s now and it seems like men even more want an "instant relationship". That seems so contrived to me, to suddenly have intimacy with someone. You don't just instantly have a close bond with someone. It's total falsehood to think you do. I really need to find a guy who will take time to regard and value me in a friendly way for a while before trying to turn on the romance. It's common knowledge that in marriages, the romance naturally waxes and wanes...you better have a friendship with that person! Friendship is the most important thing. I get so irked that people my age want to get to the physically intimate stuff quickly, to try it on for size so-to-speak. Dating is difficult because I am not looking to jump into an instant relationship.
I do agree with the other poster who talked about the friendship not too integrated with your own circle of friends. I think it's possible to find a balance if you're on the same page with one another about those boundaries while 'friendly' dating. It's just hard to find someone willing to be on that same page with you and take it in stride, in a laid back manner without emphasis on contrived romance.

 

[grovenored]

Yes, friends first is a must!
Often you'll find you get a rush of feelings and decide to pursue a dating relationship right away... Don't go for broke, balls out the bath, and just say "right, we're officially together, let's change Facebook".
Whilst meeting up on dates is probably the best way to meet and get to know them better, do it with a view to getting to know one another as friends not a love interest or whatever. If you get on with this person as a friend you won't find it inhibits the relationship should it progress to boyfriend/girlfriend, rather the complete opposite - you get to enjoy your time together in a new and more exciting way on top of the friendship. This is how my girlfriend and I did it and I can say it was the perfect way to do it.
It felt at times a little like being in relationship limbo, but ultimately we've built a great friendship which we'll take into our marriage.
On the subject of friendship, I'd recommend Mark and Grace Driscoll's latest book "Real Marriage", as it explains far better the concept than I could.

 

[woodlandapple]

being friends with your g/f and eventually wife s VERY important, I personally woud not start dationg someone I did not know on a freindship level first,

HOWEVER as a male you need to show your intentions, liking a girl and deliberatly engaging in a 'just friends' sense to see posibilities of more is sending mixed messages and is not showing your intentions. And whist I believe it is ok for a female to show her interest it is most definatly the males resposibilty to make the first move

 

[pHghost]

I agree with woodlandapple, especially the second paragraph.

I believe that being friends with someone first is a very helpful and great thing. Whether that means not hanging out in one-on-one activities is up to you and how you feel. A lot of times, with your really good same-sex friends, you can do a lot of hanging out, just the two of you, so I personally see no problem in doing the same with someone of the opposite sex. This can in fact naturally lead into a dating situation.

The reason it is good if you are friends before (scratch that -- if you are best friends even once you start dating) is that you can have a relationship that works on more than one level. It doesn't necessarily hang only on the romance, the chemistry, and gives you a better foundation when problems in the relationship emerge -- as they always tend to do. The better your foundation, the deeper the understanding, the more you will be able to understand your partner and respect them even when things go sour.

 

[SMOOCH]

with my fiance we actually never hung out in groups .. we met while i was actually dating my first boyfriend and we would literally hang out and watch tv and talk.. we would also text and im.. my boyfriend knew that I tended not to have female friends so he was okay with it. after I broke up with him, I had more time just to hang out with this "friend" and somehow a few months later we were together it was the wierdest thing ever.. its like kinda being in a relationship with your friend but it doesnt really feel like one